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Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

684K views 1K replies 129 participants last post by  No Longer Lonely Husband 
#1 · (Edited)
Hi I'm Cameron or you can call me Cam whatever you prefer. I'm 42 years old and have three kids two dogs and a faithful loyal wife, HA. Tried to make a joke I guess but on to the story, I'm actually really hurting.

So basically my wife and I have been together since we were 20 and we got married 24. Our marriage has been pretty good so far, we barely argued had an active sex life and have great kids. Neither of us smoke, neither of us are alcoholics and both of us are physically fit/healthy. Our intimacy and sex life has dwindled for the last few years I attribute that to stress from our jobs, us getting older and marriage being more routine. Basically were both at fault for that part, our communication should have been better. Our bedroom certainly wasn't dead but the intimacy wasn't like when we were newlyweds. I blame our communication for that too.

On to the story, so my wife 41 female, has been having an "emotional affair" with her co-worker who is also married. A week ago a mutual friend spotted my wife and this dude out on a date basically and texted me about it. The mutual friend is actually more of her friend and is also female, it was a fairly nice restaurant and it looked pretty weird to her to see my wife who is married out with this man. She also noted that they were holding hands, how ****ing cute. She told me and I confronted my wife when she got home (5 days ago). I asked for the full details of the affair but she cried and said it will just hurt me even more.

Basically she has been having an emotional/sexting affair with this co worker for 6 months. I would of never suspected her having an affair, but she was certainly texting her girlfriends a lot and laughing. She's apart of a group chat with her friends so I was naive as hell. I was devastated when she admitted it she also didn't admit it right away. She told me we felt more like roommates than lovers and this jackass just made her feel so special inside (probably literally) as well. Throughout her affair she wasn't cold or that distant to me, she was still very loving and affectionate towards me and we still had sex. You're telling me this ******* is wining and dining my wife and he's not getting any? Yeah right.

The wife was the most kindest, sweetest, loyal person who I thought adored me and I did her. All our friends think we have one of the best marriages out of all of them. Wife is swearing up and down nothing happened between them, she is what I read tickle truthing me. She didn't even admit to the sexting until I pushed for it. I'm incredibly angry with her and have been sleeping in separate beds, when I look at her I feel physically sick. I've been as cold as ice towards her and the kids have started to take notice. I also broke down and said how could you ****ing do this to me? I shouldn't have done this but I was in so much shock and still am, I cry in private now though. She also flipped out on me when I called her a cheating *****, I've never called her a ***** ***** **** **** ever. She said "See you don't give a **** about me anymore you ****ing ****". Coming from the cheating partner oh the irony.

I have read about 180s and trying to make it look like I don't care and that's what I've been doing so far. Does anyone have experience with this? She said she doesn't want a divorce but she's so confused and she does have strong feelings for the AP. I have alerted his wife by the way. She's saying she won't text him anymore and I think she needs to quit her job. Also I very doubt their affair was just emotional. She's also saying she doesn't want a divorce. I'm absolutely devastated and am trying hard to hide it, I've also been going hard at the gym. No one knows except her friend and me and other mans wife.

Should I divorce? (she said she doesn't want one) Should I reconcile? Over the past 5 days she's seemed remorseful and not at the same time, if that makes sense? This is a woman who was so proud of our relationship and what we have built together, it's now all just destroyed. She told me she's sorry that she did this and she's sorry that I don't believe that it's not just emotional. I've lost my appetite and don't know what to do anymore, please help.

Also a friend of mine knows, I asked him for help on what I should do and he redirected me here and told me all about the 180 and not to make the same mistakes he made.
 
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#292 ·
I don't think it's been mentioned yet, but while she's in "I'll do anything" mode, you should have her sign an air tight post-nuptial agreement that gives you 50/50 custody and no child support.

Depending on where you live, you could be on the hook for a considerable CS obligation. In Texas, it's almost impossible for the father to get primary or even 50/50 custody unless the wife agrees to it. CS is 30% of your after-tax take home pay for 3 kids, and the salary of your wife has no bearing on the calculation. I pay 20% to my cheating ex for my kid, and she made about 40% more than I did when we divorced.

You should talk with a lawyer whether you file or not. I had no clue how divorce law worked. Basically, if you have a penis, and your wife isn't a felon, it is not going to work out in your favor.
 
#293 ·
Confession: If you didn't gather it from my other post, I am pro saving a marriage when possible.

Just because statements are being made on here doesn't mean they are true. They very well may be, but they also may not. "This isn't her first affair." "She will definitely cheat again." "She only has remorse because she got caught." Can we be positive on any of those statements? No. She very well may have been completely faithful to you for over 20 years. The horrific turmoil this has caused, the reality of it all, that she may be about to lose her husband, and her children 50% of the time could cure her from ever even glancing sideways at any other man besides you. Her remorse has probably been getting more and more sincere as she fully admits to herself what a despicable thing she has done to you all. She also could have had plenty of guilt during the office affair she fell into. Ultimately only she knows the answer to these things. The second best person to determine the answers is you.

Let's remember that according to your opening post, you had a great wife up until this happened. You give no indication that you have ever before been burned by her, that she is some raging h0bag, that you had a miserable marriage etc. So, should her affair erase all her lifetimes worth of good qualities, including those as a wife, mother, and human? Again, completely up to you to decide. These are just some of the reasons I recommended you taking plenty of time to make this decision, and asking her to go to her parents during that time. You need to analyze this from SO many directions.

You are barely over a week into knowing this. When things are less raw, and you are entertaining the choices of D or R, consider having a conversation about yourself with her. Ask her what things you could do to be a better husband? What was she missing that she needed? Right now, her answer would be "Nothing, you are perfect, it's all my fault." Yes, it's true. The affair IS all her fault. In every marriage though, we as spouses fall down on the job. Much of it in a LTR is just due to becoming lax or preoccupied with the stresses of daily life.

Once she is able to speak freely about the answers to those questions, you will have gained an insight on things you can improve on should you decide to remain married. I've asked these type of questions to my husband. Ouch. Hearing the replies hurts the ol' ego. My mind immediately provides me with a thousand excuses for whatever he has said. Followed immediately with it providing me a list of all the stuff my husband does that I don't like. Human nature...BUT...if I can keep my trap shut, hear what he says, ponder on it when I have time alone later, and then work to make some adjustments. Because here is the thing...even if I don't see the validity in something he may point out about me, it doesn't really matter....it is how HE feels. If I can make a small adjustment that will result in a happier marriage, I want to do that. The cool thing is, so does he, and I have seen him work so hard at the things I have talked to him about. Having a conversation where you are asking where you can improve could be cool salve to an open wound,

If you want to salvage your marriage, I believe you can do it. It will be a long, arduous process, but you could walk away stronger for having survived and worked through such a terrible trial. Time is on your side my friend. Take it. All of it. As long as you need.
 
#294 ·
I asked her if she still finds me sexually attractive, she said she did and that it had nothing to do with why she was having the affair. Hopefully she's telling the truth. I want to get a polygraph done and told her if she refuses then we might as well end our marriage, she has agreed to do it. She is also going to start seeing an individual counselor. Just because I want reconciliation doesn't mean that that's the road I'm going to take. I also want to know which of her friends knew about it, if they participated in her betrayal then my wife will have to cut them off if she wants to stay with me. Harsh but I was deceived for six months straight. My wife wouldn't be so evil to **** me over in the CS arrangement or custody, especially not at the moment with her guilt. I will be prepared just in case, if a divorce is on our future I'll fight for fairness. Can I get a child custody arrangement in place that makes it 50/50 even if we divorce like now? better to take advantage of her guilt.

She's going to IC and also has mentioned she wants to write on a forum, she mentioned surviving infidelity to me. I'm not sure if that's a good idea, I wouldn't want her writing on here (hypocritical by me) or maybe I should want that. She doesn't know I write on here, did any of your spouses know you were writing on this forum?
 
#299 ·
I had my H take a poly. The questions have to be only on one topic. only 3 relevant questions- the others are control questions for comparison.
We -the poly guy and I -first discussed in front of H what I consider "unfaithful". I said it would include sexting, sending erotic pics,videos, or phone calls, kissing with tongues feeling groping each other, and then listed all the sexual acts I could think of.
It was made clear to H so there could be no misunderstanding claimed later a la Clinton.
He was asked something like-

Have you been unfaithful during your marriage?
Have you committed adultry during your marriage.
Have your purposefully withheld sexual activity that you have engaged in with someone other than your wife during the marriage?

a score greater than -3 is considered deceptive
a score between -3 and +3 is considered inconclusive and could indicate uncertainty, couldnt recall, wording is waffly..

He scored -1 for adultry (PIV) I think he did not have PIV so this can be considered accurate in my books.
He scored -2 for purposefully withholding information- I think this is probably an indication that he doesnt get the whole lying by omission thing
He scored -6 for being unfaithful. He said later this was because he had kissed several woman when he had been out of town while dancing at a bar. He thinks this happened 4 different times but it was early in the marriage and nothing for the last decade or 2. I think this is probably true- it may have gone farther than kissing and hes trickle truthing...but I can live with that.

Because I still did not have the answer as to whether or not he had participated in sexual activity with OW I asked him to go back and do a second poly. I also wanted to know if there had been more than 4 women and if he went further than kissing with any of them.

We got to the poly guy and basically said I wouldnt have closure if they did another poly because H was unsure if there was additional activity years ago. He offered us MC. I declined since we already were going to 2.

The problem is....as you see....it is not an exact science, you are very limited in your questions and because you cant ask about "feelings" you cant get info about an EA.

I may still have him take a 2nd at another date . (Hushhhhhhhhhh Sokillme and Bowser- I know how you feel about this- infidelity is not a one size fits all)

I dont know if we will make it but we are trying very hard at R and have been for 2 years. The reason why we can keep trying despite the many obstacles is because we both really want to make it work. and believe me its WORK.
 
#300 ·
H does not post on here- he knows only that i frequent a marital help website. He doesnt like it- he thinks it could be like a dating site- I try and reassure him its a community but nothing like that. I do not want him on here. This is my one safe place to express myself and get/give support knowledge anonymously.

I have read posts to him from my thread and I have spoken about things that I have learned from other threads. One being how hurtful it must have been when I turned away from sex for several years after my hysterectomy. I had no idea how hurtful that was or how important sex was to men. Talk about lacking empathy! We have worked all that out nicely now though lol.
 
#302 ·
Surviving Infidelity will just tell you to suck it up and reconcile. Might be good for her because she will hear that she's not a bad person for what she did, but it's not for you.
Yep. SI is big on the reconcile option. People who's spouses have been cheating on them for years, and with multiple partners are still advised to reconcile. Those that choose divorce are basically seen as failures by many of the posters. I think its because they want to feel better about staying with their cheating spouse. So they want everyone else to do it too.

They would tell you how you should reconcile because she is SOOOO sorry and cries SOOOO much. And to "watch her actions" which really means check up on her like a prison warden. Forget that. Stay here.

As for your wife, they will coddle her and tell her, "You are not a bad person, you just made a bad decision."

Then they will say she needs to go to IC and "dig deep to find her "whys." Its always the same excuses, he flattered me, low self esteem, made me feel desired, emotional needs not being met, etc etc.

What you never hear the cheating spouse say this that none of those are valid. That they just did it because it felt good and they wanted to. Which is the real reason.

On another note: her offering you sex and BJ's. Its not out of love or guilt. Its manipulation. She does not want to lose her standard of living, or reputation, or be a part time parent. So she employs her only tool. The same one that got her into trouble. Her mouth and genitals. Cheaters stick to what they know best.

Get some time away and get some emotional distance from her. I know the thought of being a part time parent is agony. But looking at the face of a cheater everyday for the rest of your life will wear you down. Chip away at your soul day by day. It will effect your mood and thus your parenting. IMO better to be a happy part time parent, then a miserable, triggering, depressed, emasculated full time parent.

I know because my mother did just that to my father. He tried to be happy, but it showed everyday. Because of her actions my siblings and I did not get the kind of father we should have had. After she died, he came alive and has never been happier. I would spare you that fate.
 
#304 · (Edited)
Bibi1031;17220018[/quote said:
If, in time, she is genuinely remorseful and figures out that she does love her husband; then and only then does this marriage stand a chance.
Don't take me wrong. In my personal opinion, I would walk away.
There is little to lose as a whole family in giving this that chance and very much to gain.
Bibi would hit the bricks over this., she would walk away. I would tear up the bricks leaving so fast over this.

Bibi says there is little to lose over this.

In her first quote that I cited she used the word "time". I cannot think of anything more valuable than this. We are here for such a short time, why waste a minute on the WW. And any R given by Kind Camshafted would be weak, and inconsequential. She would feel no pain.

At minimum, Cam42 needs to expose her to everyone. This would hurt her.
 
#305 ·
I think SI could help your wife, just as TAM has helped you. It could do her some good to talk to other way wards and learn a few things. Yes, they are pro R, but since you seem to be heading that route anyway, it might not be a bad thing.

Just make sure to keep her off of Loveshack. That place is a cesspool of cheaters with no remorse.

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk
 
#306 ·
I really have no idea what some of the previous posters are reading. The advise in the just found out at SI and infidelity at Lovesack is very similar is tone down. Many posters here also post on these two sites using the same tone. This site is better at getting BS off the dime.

Now the Wayward section on SI and the OW/OM on loveshack are very different. Read a dozen threads on loveshack and you will see regret but not remorse, WW moaning OM will not comment to them, fWW fixated on OM and adultery leaving one to wonder whenthe hell are you going to say something about your husband, and outright attempts demanding rugsweeping. SI on the other hand has many posters who show various level of remorse and are getting it.

Honestly if your wife had to choose one SI is better. A couple of the WS are brutal towards WS. A third option might be marriage builders. There plan A and plan B suck!!! But parts are golden such as this one: Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon - Marriage Builders® Forums No one here is more hard core here then this. "all children above the age of four MUST be informed of the adulterous behavior in an age appropriate manner". All family, friends, etc must ve informed. Notice the word choice of must. Finally "the affair must be killed first". Pretty straight forward. Remember that plan a and plan b none sense is for BS that aren't going any where regardless. But if at least if they expose and reject Blameshifting that's a start. Read the threads in that section few do.
Truth they wouldn't anyway,
 
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#307 ·
Cam,

All I can tell you is do what you feel is best for you whether it be R or D. If it was me, I would ready every damn text so you know all the facts as Joe Friday ( you are probably to young to remember Dragnet)would do. You have to understand the context of their relationship as hard as it may be. How will you know what you are, forgiving if you fail to read? In order to make the appropriate decision all the cards need to be on the table. You also need to make her feel your pain. And feel it she should! You have to be strong.

You cannot nice them back. You have to demonstrate strength and if necessary indifference to her. In order to save your marriage you must be willing to lose it. Think about it. I did, and I realize the poster who gave me the advice was 100% spot on. Divorce papers, 180, make her vacate your house for 4-6 weeks, and expose. If you want to R exposure is not an option it is a mandatory requirement on your part. Trust me I know. Been there, done that. It works.

Let her know you are going out for the evening. Do not say with who, or where. Do this several evenings in a row. You have to knock her off base and keep her guessing. To quote Sun Tzu, "baffle them with confusion, take them by surprise". You must mess with her mentally as much as possible.

In addition to reading No More Mr. Nice Guy, read "Grow A Pair" great book. I read it and it helped.
 
#309 ·
Re polygraphers. It seems the best way to find a good one is to find out who the police in your area use. Talk to the polygrapher and find out their procedures. They vary and not all limit the number of questions to three.

Re reading the texts. Cheaters lie, it's part of the deal. The lie to their spouses, they lie to themselves and they blow smoke up each other's a$$es. If they tell each other they love him/her, one is undoubtedly lying. One is almost always playing the other. I mean, who tells a lover they are not the best? You can read the texts but take them with a grain of salt. In your case neither of them intended to leave their families. Duh
 
#316 ·
6 months of lying with no end in sight.
It wasn't physical, she says, lol.

For reconciliation to be possible, the OP would have to actually believe something she said.
How could the OP ever believe her about anything, ever again?
There would be no logical basis for believing her. I'd question it if she told me the sun rose in the east.

Not serving her with papers now that she is feeling some shame is the worst possible decision. He has everything to gain and nothing to lose by filing. By not filing now, he could actually lose time with his kids. If she's willing to go 50/50 with no c.s., he should jump on that. He can always cancel the divorce, or remarry after the divorce-- w a prenup.

Not filing us a huge mistake. Anyone who advises against it hasn't thought things out. They're just "reconciliation is the thing to do if possible". I think it's only best if they both love one another, and there were mitigating circumstances involved.

This is a case of low character. One can't fix that problem.
 
#318 ·
I would say he needs to go very slow on everything but serving her with papers which include custody and child support agreements, or at the very least a post- nup dealing with the same.
It's going to take a long time for OP to get his head on straight so that he can make big decisions with a cool head.

I would also ask him to consider a lot of time away from her. It's plain she's using sex to manipulate him into rugsweeping.
If OP gives it some time, I think he may make the right decision. If the knowledge of what she's done finally kills the love for her, he can complete the divorce and move on. If not, and he feels she is truly remorseful, they can attempt to reconcile.

Me--I'd read and find out all I could about what went on, and what her thoughts were related to OP. Yes, it may make him want to divorce. But there's a huge chance that it will happen regardless of what he wants.
Since she is not in love with OP, she may likely change her mind and want divorce, whether or not OP wants it. If he waits to get the legal stuff done, he will be completely at her mercy and it will likely be a totally different ballgame in court when she has no guilt or shame about her betrayal.

Take your time about everything but filing. It's unfair what happens in court to dads. That I can promise. No matter what mom has done, the courts think the kids are better off with mom.

You can avoid a custody case by getting an attorney NOW.
 
#320 ·
Cam42

Hopefully things have settled a little bit to the point you can breathe normal and that crushing feeling subsiding. Gradually you have been entering into disbelief, the feeling of being lost, and questioning everything regarding your marriage. This is all normal, you weren't the only person to feel this way. The feeling of being lost is absolutely terrible, and it can consume you to very bad levels. That's where you begin to feel as if nothing has value anymore, so be careful about this.

If your wife has gone to her moms then you are going to feel some panic or anxiety. Since you can't trust your wife, ask your mother in law to keep you informed of her whereabouts. If she won't do this then you will need to do what you should have already been doing, trust but verify. Your wife leaving is to give you space and time to sort of clear your head to prepare you for the path you eventually decide. So you will basically be working on two paths at the moment. You should be talking to an attorney to know your rights, getting paperwork to fill out for divorce. Since you have not ruled out reconciliation, you should be familiarizing yourself with that path.

What you should know now is what can you move past. If sex was your deal breaker, can you move past to reconcile? You need to ask yourself all of this to even consider reconciliation. Also, if you decide to reconcile, you are still a man and not a chump. I can't say how hard and painful divorce may be, but I can tell you reconciliation is very difficult, quite possibly some of the hardest work you will ever do. I don't want that to scare you, but to make you informed of what you are getting into. If you choose to reconcile, you need to inform your wife of one detail, you may decide to divorce if it comes down to you not being able to get past the affair. You can't say divorce if it becomes difficult, you can't say divorce if you get in an argument, divorce is for if you can't move past the affair.

Upon your wife returning to the marital home you have to have ground rules in place. These are better known as boundaries and are not negotiable in any way. One boundary would be for your wife to report to you that a guy she works with begins to talk of personal nature. Such as asking questions regarding her marriage, let's do lunch, let's get drinks after work, and so on. You decide these boundaries.

Also while your wife is gone, move all of her belongings into the spare bedroom if you have one. Your wife needs to feel and visualize the consequences. She has regret now, remorse may or may not come soon, but you can't begin to reconcile until she feels remorse. Remorse is crucial in this process, without it you won't reconcile.

Praying for you and your family Cam, God bless.
 
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#325 · (Edited)
Two points to tell you they had sex are:

1. her need to swear
2. that she lied about the sexting

but you already know this, so you need to get the full truth; everything, A to Z, including her feelings, intentions, etc. Although I have not read all the threads yet, it is likely that you must prepare yourself for some pretty painful stuff.

Unless there is truth, there is no reconciliation that can last...the only way she can live with you is complete transparency AFTER truthfully answering every and any question you had. SHE has to regain trust, not you. Please don't fall into the trap of blaming yourself. It does say much about you; masculine, responsible, etc, but in this case, unless you were beating her, or cheating on her, denying her all closeness, etc...this was her doing.

I say this with experience.

If you stay together, please know that you will suffer for the rest of your life. It gets better, but it never goes away. Triggers of memory of the pain can come from anywhere at any time.

Going into it sober minded is best.

Good luck! I hope you are taking good care of yourself and protecting the kids from the emotional trauma that leaks out.

PS: as a faithful family man, you're be a great catch for a good woman. God bless you, brother. I hope you're okay.
 
#327 ·
She is at her mothers, and has been there for a few days. It's been very hard trying to explain the reasoning to our teenage kids, as they are still begging to know. So is our youngest daughter, all we told them is that we need some time apart for a bit. I'm doing better mentally, but I still have my moments. The OM is not at the job anymore, she still said she wants our marriage to work. I still don't know...
 
#328 ·
She is at her mothers, and has been there for a few days. It's been very hard trying to explain the reasoninag to our teenage kids, as they are still begging to know. So is our youngest daughter, all we told them is that we need some time apart for a bit. I'm doing better mentally, but I still have my moments. The OM is not at the job anymore, she still said she wants our marriage to work. I still don't know...
Take your time. Think your situation through. The good thing is you are in the drivers' seat. My advice would be to keep her out of the home for four to six weeks. She HAS to feel some pain for her actions. She needs to know how you felt. Women are all about feelings. Ask her sometime, " How would you feel if I betrayed you? How would you react?">:)
 
#331 ·
At some point this will just turn into a pity party, them cam will drift off to a midlife crisis of quiet despair and hopelessness. When he dies people will just spare a passing thought "nice guy" and their lives will go on unaffected.

Cam, have you read the back story of some of the posters here? Well one of them has a background in LEO and is only posting here because his gun misfired when he tried to eat lead. He is three year post DDay, raising two children who for the first two years of their life thought they where his. Not MOM who his wife had an EA with. Care this guess which one? Read some back story.

Another poster here started posting several months ago, has two daughters and sounded just like you. He is in the UK so it require a year separation. It ripped him up but amazing his relationship with his two pre-teen daughters is deeper and continues to deepen. Again guess who. Read the back stories.

One poster wrote this on a different thread in a response to me:



Quote:
Originally Posted by JohnA View Post
When I read newbies threads the first thing I pray they do is establish "what if" plans like the one you describe. You can't reconcile while in fear. Can't be done. Having a clear exit plan and post divorce life in place allows someone the strength to reconcile. I know @Danny4133 is divorcing but once he had establish alternate living arrangements and had filled out the paper work I could see taking time to take one last look, which he did by observing his stbxWW behavior. *Which he did and she failed.*



JohnA

One of the many things a betrayed spouse needs to do in the beginning is to let your emotions settle. From there you still have many decisions before you, but you must find that you will be ok with or without your marriage. If you can't do this I don't believe a true reconciliation is possible. You can't reconcile out of fear, stay for the kids, or if you are unable to move past the betrayal. You have to find yourself enough to know that you will be ok no matter what.*

Once I knew this and that I could move forward beyond the betrayal I thought I could reconcile. I made plans in the event reconciliation would fail, I made plans if reconciliation went well. I worked on myself to get stronger and more independent. My wife had a choice also, move forward or stay left behind. She began doing the same work as I, she devoted herself as I did. I found how I was fallible in my recovery, the toxins I brought to the marriage. It's hard work without a doubt, you must both be willing to see your faults and correct them.*

I know I chose a difficult path, I tried to prepare myself as best I could. I have plans for reconciliation if it works or fails, so far we are making it. I hope we make it, but if we don't I will leave this relationship a much better man then when I entered. I will be ok, I will still be a father to the boys, but I won't enter into another serious relationship, and I'm ok with that.
 
#332 · (Edited)
Now adultery is adultery, issues are issues DO NOT CONFUSE THE TWO. *Two men, both lonely. *One goes out and rapes someone. *The other posts on dating sites, attends social functions, volunteers at several places meets someone and becomes intimate. * Get it the difference? *So why did she chose adultery, not what caused her to make a choice. *And how do you fix that.*

Then the issues: *first how the hell could you not know for six months??? *Is she an Oscar winning performer? *Second how the hell did se not know how loved she already was? *The point is you both where missing ways to communicate and listen. *Bye the way the second question is her's to answer. *

I am telling you your marriage is savable but not until you get off the dime and follow the advise to first stand up and demand remorses and get it though her actions. *I gave you a link early on to a thread where the WW was in an EA/PA with co-worker, family friends, sexting with a second MOM and was being hit on by third MOM to join a swinger group. * They are going on amazingly one year plus on. *We PM on occasion and they keep getting better. *

So what are you going to do ?*
 
#333 ·
One last 4x4: does her mother know why she is there? Does she support the marriage? Can you see why that matters?
 
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#334 · (Edited)
who cares whether she wants a divorce or reconciliation; it is not her decision, it is YOURS.

Keep doing what you are doing, 180, the gym, you might be dying inside but don't let it show.
She isn't showing any remorse at all, when she is so confused, that means she wants to have her cake and eat it still. She needs to be kicked out of that fog, tell her family immediately. if the kids are old enough tell them too. Kids are teenagers, they know....
Go see a lawyer and check your options.
Tell her family, your family and all friends, it is her shame, not yours, do not hide it, she needs accountability right now, she needs to feel the mark of shame, so that she knows the depths she has sunk to. I am not seeing any remorse, just talk and more talk.


you are seeing a lawyer, you haven't made up your mind whether you want a divorce or not yet but what she does in the next 4 weeks will be the deciding factor for you. She has to give you access to all passwords, to phones, pc, social media etc without any complaint, otherwise it is a done deal and you are walking
you have to go to MC before you make your final decision (remember you are in a state of flux right now, not a good time to make a decision, take your time)

If you don't handle this decisively and swiftly there is no chance of a true reconciliation (if you want one- you must go scorched earth here)
 
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