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Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

683K views 1K replies 129 participants last post by  No Longer Lonely Husband 
#1 · (Edited)
Hi I'm Cameron or you can call me Cam whatever you prefer. I'm 42 years old and have three kids two dogs and a faithful loyal wife, HA. Tried to make a joke I guess but on to the story, I'm actually really hurting.

So basically my wife and I have been together since we were 20 and we got married 24. Our marriage has been pretty good so far, we barely argued had an active sex life and have great kids. Neither of us smoke, neither of us are alcoholics and both of us are physically fit/healthy. Our intimacy and sex life has dwindled for the last few years I attribute that to stress from our jobs, us getting older and marriage being more routine. Basically were both at fault for that part, our communication should have been better. Our bedroom certainly wasn't dead but the intimacy wasn't like when we were newlyweds. I blame our communication for that too.

On to the story, so my wife 41 female, has been having an "emotional affair" with her co-worker who is also married. A week ago a mutual friend spotted my wife and this dude out on a date basically and texted me about it. The mutual friend is actually more of her friend and is also female, it was a fairly nice restaurant and it looked pretty weird to her to see my wife who is married out with this man. She also noted that they were holding hands, how ****ing cute. She told me and I confronted my wife when she got home (5 days ago). I asked for the full details of the affair but she cried and said it will just hurt me even more.

Basically she has been having an emotional/sexting affair with this co worker for 6 months. I would of never suspected her having an affair, but she was certainly texting her girlfriends a lot and laughing. She's apart of a group chat with her friends so I was naive as hell. I was devastated when she admitted it she also didn't admit it right away. She told me we felt more like roommates than lovers and this jackass just made her feel so special inside (probably literally) as well. Throughout her affair she wasn't cold or that distant to me, she was still very loving and affectionate towards me and we still had sex. You're telling me this ******* is wining and dining my wife and he's not getting any? Yeah right.

The wife was the most kindest, sweetest, loyal person who I thought adored me and I did her. All our friends think we have one of the best marriages out of all of them. Wife is swearing up and down nothing happened between them, she is what I read tickle truthing me. She didn't even admit to the sexting until I pushed for it. I'm incredibly angry with her and have been sleeping in separate beds, when I look at her I feel physically sick. I've been as cold as ice towards her and the kids have started to take notice. I also broke down and said how could you ****ing do this to me? I shouldn't have done this but I was in so much shock and still am, I cry in private now though. She also flipped out on me when I called her a cheating *****, I've never called her a ***** ***** **** **** ever. She said "See you don't give a **** about me anymore you ****ing ****". Coming from the cheating partner oh the irony.

I have read about 180s and trying to make it look like I don't care and that's what I've been doing so far. Does anyone have experience with this? She said she doesn't want a divorce but she's so confused and she does have strong feelings for the AP. I have alerted his wife by the way. She's saying she won't text him anymore and I think she needs to quit her job. Also I very doubt their affair was just emotional. She's also saying she doesn't want a divorce. I'm absolutely devastated and am trying hard to hide it, I've also been going hard at the gym. No one knows except her friend and me and other mans wife.

Should I divorce? (she said she doesn't want one) Should I reconcile? Over the past 5 days she's seemed remorseful and not at the same time, if that makes sense? This is a woman who was so proud of our relationship and what we have built together, it's now all just destroyed. She told me she's sorry that she did this and she's sorry that I don't believe that it's not just emotional. I've lost my appetite and don't know what to do anymore, please help.

Also a friend of mine knows, I asked him for help on what I should do and he redirected me here and told me all about the 180 and not to make the same mistakes he made.
 
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#3 ·
Sorry you had to look for us, but so pleased you found us.

The good news? You and your wife can get through this.

But! She needs to be truly remorseful, she has to give you whatever details you want. (I never wanted any details of my wife's affair, but some betrayed spouses do.)

Couple's counselling might be of benefit to you, plus individual counselling, also.

You need to be checked out for STDs. Yeah, sure, of course they only ever held hands, or she insisted on condoms, or he assured her he was clean and so on and so forth...:rolleyes:

And one way to really show her how she has ruined your trust and faith in her, get DNA tests done on your children. This is to send her a message that she has blown up your marriage to such an extent that you can no longer trust anything she has ever said or done throughout your relationship. Well, she was able to pull the wool over your eyes during her affair, so...

A Voice Activated Recorder hidden in her car might be worth considering.

Please keep us updated on what is happening. Remember the vast majority of us here have been in your position, some in the position of your wife and some on both sides of the fence, so we know where you both are, now.
 
#4 · (Edited)
6 months worth of dates and no banging?

Google the Sidney Sherman Bridge in Houston and I'll sell it to you for $10 if they didn't find themselves a nice secluded place away from you in which to let their drawers hit the floor at least once within a six months time span!

Think that it's high time to do "the 180" and to start lawyer shopping so that you can be immediately advised of both your custodial and property rights!

And on your way over to the barristers office, be sure to drop by and visit your personal MD to insure that she hasn't exactly given you "something to remember her by!"

In addition, you might also notify the OM's wife as well as your wife's company's HR Department, as a lot of companies these days do not exactly subscribe to "drawer dropping fraternization" on or off of the clock, more especially with other company employees!
 
#7 · (Edited)
Read some of the threads I have started if you want the move on opinion. Whatever you do, don't be weak. It will get you nowhere. Your wife needs consequences, very much like a child. Really if she isn't going to do the work you are better off just calling it. You may not be happy but you won't for sure if she is going to blame her affair on you.

If it was me I would serve her. You can always change your mind. Also tell the guys wife.

Also be aware if you do decided to stay you will always get the worst of the deal. It will always be unfair, you need to be able to live with that, if you can't move on now because the alternative is having it eat you up inside and make you miserable.

Sorry dude.

And you don't date for 5 months and not have sex, she is lying.

Tell his wife, serve your wife.
 
#8 ·
It was a physical affair and an emotional one.Sorry dude.


She does not look remorseful for the affair because she isn't. She may have some regret but that is not the same thing


You do not have to make any decisions now about Divorce and I think you need to do some more digging before you think too hard about reconciling

I suspect she will ( if now already) get in contact with OM. You can no longer believe a word she says. She lies. She cheats. This is established . She will lie straight to your face.

as a wise man said to me when i arrived 7 years ago with a similar scenario...


DIG
 
#9 ·
For my own sanity I know she was bull****ting me and I know she's been ****ing this guy. I don't want a divorce and I feel like a fool for that. This is my wife the mother of my kids, the woman who's been my best friend. I'm angry, so ****ing angry. I'm going to give her one more chance to come clean about the whole affair, I also know of a night in particular where I'm sure she met up with him somewhere. How am I going to get passed the fact that my wife was being physical with this *******? I need to be emotionally stronger here. I told the other man's wife. I feel so emotionally frustrated and sick **** I still love her and she said she still loves me. My wife had a ****ing boyfriend.
 
#10 ·
Yes she did. Don't make any decisions now if you can't. Work on getting stronger. Just remember love is not enough. I still say file, you can always change your mind but your wife needs to be shocked out of her comfort zone. Right now she is in dream land.

The truth is you have no idea right now how you will fell, 6 month, 2 year, 20 years from now. This is why it makes more sense to not even think about that. Try to use your logic not emotions to guide you.
 
#11 · (Edited)
Over the past 5 days she's seemed remorseful and not at the same time, if that makes sense?
Sounds like regret. That's not remorse.


Your wife is unlikely to admit to anything you can't prove or unless she winds up feeling actual remorse and wants to repair the damage she's caused by being honest. You're better off keeping up the 180 and having her served with divorce papers (don't tell her you're doing this). Maybe then she'll see how serious you are and she'll be motivated to save her marriage.

And of course you still love your wife. It's not like people get cheated on and suddenly they fall out of love. But love alone isn't enough to sustain a marriage. Especially one damaged by infidelity and lies. Your wife is not showing remorse for what she did. Reconciliation shouldn't even be a consideration until she does.
 
#12 ·
You also need to remember what kind of person your wife has become. She is not the same woman you thought she was. She is capable of lying to you for 6 month selfishly. Hurting you who supported her, her children's father, and even her children. All for selfish reasons. This is the person she is now. Do you really want to base you whole future on someone like that?

42 is still pretty young. You are a faithful man, you will be in demand.
 
#13 ·
Are wayward spouses like really in an alternate universe? I've been reading and trying to understand more about this hell. I can only imagine that the wife and the OM are sneaking around on their lunch break having their way with each other. She's just acting ****ing strange. Why couldn't she have just made it easier and asked for a divorced instead of doing this **** to me. She gave me a hug today and I should of declined it.
 
#17 ·
Some people say that they are. I personally don't believe that, I think they make a calculated choice. Maybe she wasn't happy for a while and didn't tell you. When the proverbial 5hit hit the fan, she chose to abandon you in the worse way. She probably thought she would never get caught. I think she has always been like this and this is the first time you have caught her.

Personally I don't think people change much, I think there are people who can do this and people who can't. If you marry someone who can maybe you get lucky and they never get too tempted or have the right opportunity, or maybe you never find out. Or you marry someone maybe like you who would never conceive of doing something so despicable to someone you love. Life would be a lot easier if we all had signs to say what type of person we are.

In the worst cases the cheating type of person looks for a person they can bully. They actually choose the person because they know they will bankroll their lifestyle. They are really just like the bully on the playground. They pick the easiest targets. I doesn't sound like that is you though.

Thing is, again your wife is not who you thought. You may need to re-think your whole history. Morals just don't change in your 40's meaning they were probably always a part of her like this. She always had it in her in my opinion it just wasn't in her best interest to act on it yet. You really are just at the beginning at this, I get it, it's like a brand new sucky world. There is a lot more to this then you think.
 
#16 ·
Your friend gave you good advice.
I urge you not to talk to your wife at all yet. File for divorce.
You can always cancel it, but your wife is calling YOU names? No, she's not remorseful.
She's regretting she got caught.

It was not just emotional, as you know.

The bad thing is this:
When a woman starts living another man, they lose their feelings for the one they married.
They RARELY come back. In your case, the way she is acting, there's even less of a chance.
I know this isn't what you want to hear.
You want your old life, and old wife back. I can promise you that your wife doesn't exist anymore. She is not the same person she was, because regardless of what she says, she no longer loves you. She proved she doesn't.

You should 180 and move on in your mind. Only when you are both in equal footing can you even consider a new relationship.
If you try to fix this with you wanting it and her NOT wanting you, it is guaranteed failure. And continued pain for you.

File. If she ever has remorse, you'll know it. If she still loves you, you'll know it. I don't think she does.
 
#18 ·
I have also read that often affair partners are downgrades physically and financially. That is the case for this one. I'm going to be filing I guess just to get the point across even though I don't want a divorce. I started hitting the gym hard over a year ago and she was receptive sexually to my hobby. This can't be happening to me. I don't want to be a part time dad I don't want to lose my wife I DON'T WANT A LIFE WITHOUT MY WIFE AND KIDS. I am panicking **** :frown2:
 
#20 ·
Don't panic. You are doing great, really.
For the love of God, don't cry, plead, or try to nice her back.

I know you think your world is a nightmare. I promise that it will get better. But it will seem like forever until it does.

Stay strong. She betrayed you.
She is likely STILL betraying you.

It doesn't matter what you want. You've got to deal with what you have. Deal with it the way you'd tell a friend to do.

I'm sorry.
But I've been through it and you can, too.
 
#21 ·
Put a VAR (voice-activated recorder) in her car to see if the affair is still ongoing.

Order a DNA test kit for your children and make sure she sees it. Yes, the kids are yours, but having her witness the DNA-testing process is an effective way to make her to understand the depths of her depravity, and the full consequences of losing her husband's trust.

Have the papers drawn up and have her served. The divorce can be stopped at any time if she shows real remorse. But the cold, hard slap of reality will help wake her up.

Expose the affair to anyone who will make her feel shame. You should express to others that it was a PA, even if there's still a (very slim) possibility that it was only an EA.

Continue to do the 180, decline all affection, sex, and hugs. Every time you hug her, you're telling her that you're alright and that she doesn't need to earn you back.

As part of the 180, you should be going out some evenings without telling her where you're going or what you're doing. Even if you just walk around the mall and do nothing, it's valuable for her to see what life is like without you, and that you can easily do without her.
 
#22 ·
Do not panic. Everything you are feeling is normal. Disbelief, anger, pain.

Understand that your wife has done this. You may never get her to admit why she did it. But the simple truth is that she did it because she wanted to.

You are now her plan B, Her security. Her babysitter. He is fun. He is exciting. He is romantic. He makes her feel young again.

Let her go. You can not reconcile even if you wanted to unless she give you the entire truth.
 
#24 ·
She's offering to explain all the details, but I don't want to do it tonight because I actually want to get some sleep. I feel like ****ing **** what did this guy have that I didn't. Why didn't she just leave my ass and save me all of this. She asked me to come to bed with her sounded like an invitation to sex but I just declined. I'm so angry.
 
#27 ·
What could explain it. The only thing this guy had was the idea that your wife was the type that would do this. That is what you didn't have. If it wasn't this guy it would be someone else. You are going through the typical stuff that everyone who goes through this does. Read the stories they are all the same. Don't let her rug sweep this. What your wife did to you is evil, and you have a right to be hurt. Think long and hard about how you want the rest of your life to go. Moving forward with this person. Once you get over the shock an really understand what she did to you, you will have lost the reverence you once had for her. This may make it easier to detach.

The best way I have heard it described is that an imposter came and killed your wife and is now living in her body. It's a real life invasion of the body snatchers. Except it's really not the case this is who she always was, you just didn't know it.

Hold on to the anger for a little while. Use it, your gonna need it. I agree with the other poster. DNA test you kids, let her see you do it. They are your kids but it will be a blow to her. Send her the papers at work unannounced. Be gone when she gets home for a good week. Don't answer your phone. Let her suffer for a little while.

It's also way way too early to decide how you want to proceed. Just because you want to save it now doesn't mean when you aren't in shock you still will. You may decide that you can't live with it or it is too much of a raw deal. And it is a raw deal. Right not worry about taking control. Your wife has effectively put you in the parent role, time for some tough love.
 
#26 ·
This is most likely a sexual PA. When they're getting bold enough to be in a restaurant holding hands, you know they've been sexual. The most common thing is to go to a secluded section of a nearby park for sex or my likely a BJ several times a week.

You should get yourself tested as a precaution. They always lie about using protection. Not to mention you know what BJs in a car means.

If you want to salvage this, she must quit that job, send a NC letter, give you a timeline of the affair, and truthfully tell you what was done as well as give you access to all devices and passwords.

You have to warn her that you won't accept anymore lies. Trickle truth makes it hard to R. You don't want to try to R then found out she was proclaiming her undying love for him and wanting to leave you or that she did things with him that you were turned down on. Very common.
 
#31 ·
This is most likely a sexual PA. When they're getting bold enough to be in a restaurant holding hands, you know they've been sexual. The most common thing is to go to a secluded section of a nearby park for sex or most likely a BJ several times a week.

You should get yourself tested as a precaution. They always lie about using protection. Not to mention you know what BJs in a car means.

If you want to salvage this, she must quit that job, send a NC letter, give you a timeline of the affair, and truthfully tell you what was done as well as give you access to all devices and passwords.

You have to warn her that you won't accept anymore lies. Trickle truth makes it hard to R. You don't want to try to R then found out she was proclaiming her undying love for him and wanting to leave you or that she did things with him that you were turned down on. Very common.
Local or area motels aren't bad venues either!
 
#28 ·
Cam42

The most difficult affair to me is the workplace affair. My wife had a workplace affair also, and what I'm about to tell you is what I SHOULD have done.

1) say nothing to your wife, she isn't yours now anyway.
2) take a day off work.
3) go to her work at lunch.
4) walk in with a dozen roses.
5) go to your wife's desk surprising her.
6) hand her the flowers, give her a hug, then whisper in her ear, take me to lover boys desk.
7) if she refuses, tell her you will email everyone in that company the texts between her and lover boy.
8) give her the business card of your lawyer.
9) if she refuses to take you to lover boy, have her take you to the HR department, inform them of the affair.

Had I done just three of these steps I would have been better off. Don't allow your wife time to decide, although you need to allow time for her to grieve her relationship that ended. I know that's hard to believe, but it's true. Either she quits or he quits, it's the only way. If she hesitates, you must know her feelings are more for him then you. This will prompt you to divorce, but you can save your marriage if you prefer. Just because you file doesn't mean you have to take it all the way through.

You can pm me if you need any other help. But your first plan of action is destroying this affair.
 
#32 ·
OP,
Allow me to give you some insight into your wife's thinking or, better stated, lack thereof. You assume that because a person matures physically that they automatically mature mentally. This is sadly not the case. Physical maturation is biologically controlled however cognitive maturity is not. Although a person can be physically mature they do not look like Arnold Schwarzenegger, that requires stimulation. As the muscles are stressed they respond by increasing in mass. Cognitive maturity is very similar.

The brain develops biologically but it does not become strong without stimulation. I am sure you have heard the phrase "use it or lose it" but in this instance it is more accurately stated "use it or miss it". The neural network of synaptic connections is laid down as we mature psychologically by experiencing situations that force us to use our brains. Absent this stimulus, the brain simply has no reason to increase the synaptic network just as the muscles have no reason to increase mass without stress.

So then, understanding this, you must now be, as another poster has said, thrust into the role of parent/guardian to her. She cannot make decisions on her own therefore you must make them for her. If you do not she will continue to run amuck taking you and the family along for the ride. Some here will say that she made a calculated choice and it is true that she chose to do what she did but it was by no means calculated because she made the choice with the mind of a child.

Think of this; if a child wants a candy bar do they consider the effects of the sugar on their teeth? Do they "calculate" the rise in blood sugar and ensuing affect on their pancreas? Do they calculate how far into the acidic side of the ph scale it will push their body's balance? The answer is simply no, they haven't the cognitive ability to "calculate" all of that information. They can only make decisions based on what their limited intellect can "calculate" and that is "it tastes and feels good" to eat it. This is your W.

Let me introduce you to two phrases that you will hear repeatedly if you try to R with your W. One phrase is "I didn't think of that" and the other is "I don't know". When asked how she could possibly nuke your family as she has done she will say "I don't know". When pressed further and asked what she believed the effect would be on you and her children she will respond "I didn't think of that". Remember these phrases and the number of times you will hear them and you will see that what I am telling you is true.

So then it now falls to you to take charge. You do not ask her what she wants you tell her how it is going to be. If she balks at any of it then it is immediate D. Your only "power" in this situation is to take control and be her mind since hers is ill prepared to be an adult. Now here is the tough decision for you, do you want to live this way for the rest of your marriage? Unfortunately this condition is permanent. Science now tells us that the brain can develop into our mid twenties however, beyond that, neural growth is not possible. It is possible that, in rare occasions, the brain can utilize other neural pathways to modify behavior but this is extremely rare, nearing the point of impossible and it usually requires a stimulus of such magnitude so as to shock the mind into change.

This is the impetus behind filing and serving her at work. The bigger the shock the better chance it has of jolting her mind to change but again, that is only if her mind is even capable of utilizing those other synaptic connections and that is seldom the case. I regret having to tell you this but it may empower you somewhat to know what you are up against. Be a parent/guardian to her for the remainder of the marriage or find a mature woman to spend your life with. Also keep in mind that this is all contingent on whether or not the thought of D losing her family carries the significance in her mind to force her to modify her behavior. And make no mistake that, short of the epiphany explained above which is rare indeed, all she can do is modify, not change.

If the thought of losing her family, as she has known it, is not sufficient motivation for her to modify behavior then she will not comply and you will have no choice but to live with her "frolics" or D and move on. Ours is not an easy path, I wish you good fortune as you traverse yours.
 
#39 ·
I agree with some of this but she knew. She wouldn't be hiding it if she didn't know it was wrong she already said she didn't want to tell him because it would hurt him. Ignorance is not the case here, and should not be used as an excuse. Similar to when we here people say "I just wasn't thinking about my spouse" when they were having and affair, yeah except for all the sneaking and lying that had to do to them. You have to be thinking of someone when you are concocting a lie to trick them. She is not like a kid who touches the fire without knowing it is going to burn them for the first time. This gives her too much cover that she doesn't deserve. Personally I think they know they are just willing to risk it. Which makes it malice and much worse.

Also though this strategy may work, OP remember this will be your life now. Controlling another adult human being like they are a child. If it comes to that there are plenty of adult women who are more then capable of "thinking of that". Who want's to be married to someone so stupid. Really.
 
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#34 ·
The general rules with affairs is that they are three times longer than admitted to.

She has formed a close bond with this guy. Openly having Dinner holding hands is pretty close. In many ways an affair is much like any relationship when it starts. Spending way too much time together. laughing, fcking, making plans for the future. She had a lovely time.
She chose to do it and she chose to continue it even knowing how much it would hurt you if you found out.

Now that you have found out she wants you to stop hurting hence the hug . She wants it to go back to how it was but you are being mean and saying no. You are her Husband and Father of her children. Her other man is her lover. I know this is hard to hear but that is how it works.

I do not believe you are at the point where you can even begin to reconcile. The wound is deep and fresh. Your wife willingly and enthusiastically giving her self to another man is hard to stomach.

There may be a small chance that some residual loyalty has stopped her from actually fcking him. If you want to believe that fine but the advice is the same. If she wants to come back to you she needs to quit her job. She needs to hand over her phone. Open up her emails and she needs to WANT to do this because it is a chance to save her marriage. The consequences of breaking two families for an affair are brutal and she will live with the title "homewrecker" for the rest of her life. It will not go as planned for her..

I know you feel as though your heart has been ripped out and stomped on ( repeatedly) and it takes alot of effort and alot of work to recover either as a couple or on your own. Whatever happens now. Your old life is dead and you have to rebuild. It takes years so go easy on yourself. If you are having anxiety or panic attacks and not sleeping go to the Doctor and get some meds to help you think clearly. It will also help enormously.

Try and eat some real food, go for a walk and stay off the booze.
 
#35 ·
Cam,

You have already gotten some thoughts and advice, so I believe you can take some advice without the sugar coating at this point. Married women do not go out in public holding hands romantically with other men for six months 9 probably more when it all started) and have no sex involved. Yes, there is always the chance it has not happened but you would do yourself a favor if whatever decisions you make you assume that it has happened.
So lets start with the obvious. No matter what your thoughts are, just about all of the literature on infidelity will tell you that the first step is for NO CONTACT . That does not mean that she tells you she will keep it professional yet still be swooning around him daily for ten hours a day while your gut wonders what is going on.. That is what makes workplace affairs tghe most difficult to catch ( you got lucky) and STOP without some steps that some would call nuclear.

Right now, you are basically clueless as to the extent of this, and she is not trustworthy to tell you the truth ( and wanting to have sex with you means nothing). My recommendations to you before you make any firm decisions are to
(1) stop telling her you love her and you can work through this since you have no clue what you are really working through. That is called the pick me game and it rarely works out well for the betrayed of either sex.
(2) if you decide to stay married she needs to quit that job. If you decide to divorce her she needs to stay in that job until the divorce is final so I would resist blowing it up yet at work.
(3) she needs to turn over every password of every elertronic device she has. Her right to privacy went out the window with her behavior. Yes, as some will tell you, she can easily go "underground. But her willingness to do it is what is the most important thing. The literature will also tell you that women who resist the requirements for reconciliation or hesitate are much more likely to resume the affair or not stop it at all.
(4) you need a VAR in her car. Yes, an attorney might tell you it is not legal in your state, but no decent lawyer is going to prosecute that for a cheating spouse, and thousands of folks on these forums have found out the truth quickly in days when they use this tool.
(5) you need to see an attorney and tell your wife you are doing that. Some will disagree with that but that is gthe one step that will immediately start to make her believe there are going to be some consequences that are not pleasant for her. It does NOT mean you are getting divorced but you need to be prepared in case what you uncover, and there is a lot more, becomes a deal breaker.
(6) if this OM is married, you tell his wife or partner WITHOUT telling you wife anything about your intentions.

And lastly, in a workplace affair, with the difficulties on stopping it, you need to tell her you are going to at some point unnanounced in the future demand that she take a polygraph test. Her reaction to that will tell you volumes as to how deep this goes. Those that have nothing to hide hide nothing.

I believe one of her girlfriends told you. That means others probably know what is going on, and you need to know if any of her friends are covering for her or encouraging her. The VAR will also tell you that very quickly.

Getting out of denial is the first and most important step. Stay away from MC of any kind right now . You MUST GET THE TRUTH before any steps are taken or you are wasting your time. And same goes for pursuing the "why". If she has been banging him three times a week for six months do you really give a **** why???? I hope the answer to that one is no.

Men who react quickly and decisively have better outcomes. You have to make a decision as to whether or not getting out of infidelity is your priority or staying married at all costs is. You may not be able to do both, but it is too early to tell yet.

Cam, DO NOT accept any excuses and the quickest way to knock them off the fence is to play hardball. When they actually believe there is going to be absolutely no cake eating and no stringing you along, you will be amazed at howe clearly their minds straighten out, or they leave. Both are better outcomes than staying in limbo for months or years.

I suggest you stay on this forum regardless of whether or not you like what you hear. Just about all the folks have been there and done that, some successfully and some not too successfully.
 
#36 · (Edited)
I was in a workplace affair 25 years ago. I loved my husband, we had a great sex life, he was/is very handsome and had a great body. We had a ton of fun together and had started a family. The only thing at that point that was missing was real intimate conversation. We were busy, it wasnt his thing, and I needed it desperately. I did tell him this often but it came off as whining or neediness I think. What I SHOULD have done was get him to MC where we could have figured out how to meet each others needs properly and learn to communicate and love in a mature fashion.

What happened instead was a coworker saw a vulnerability in me and worked at it. He figured out that need for conversation and provided it- as a friend, then as a good friend. Soon he became the person I saved my thoughts and stories for. He seemed to "get" me so perfectly....We socialized in groups together- still innocent nothing going on here just friends...eventually we acknowledge we cared for each other but would never cross any boundaries- I loved my husband. Then we were out as a group, crossed the line, I vowed never to cross it again but the fog by then is pretty thick. The dopamine is roaring through you and you feel like an addict that cant do without. Because I was immature and selfish and lazy and feel good driven I continued.

I never thought of what it could do to my family or my husband. Not once-except somewhere in the back of my head i knew not to go PIV or oral as I thought that might be a deal breaker for him if he found out. I never wanted to leave my H. I wanted my cake and to eat it too. I wanted - like a selfish child-everything I wanted.

I broke the A up after about 6 mos because I couldnt take the psychological dysfunct of it all. My actions were not on parallell with my values, my love for my husband, or the view I had of myself and my marriage. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. It brought me to my knees to pray for the strength to do it. I did it. I went to confession where I was told to say some hail mary's and be a good wife, I went to IC where I was told to keep it to myself as it would serve no purpose except to hurt H. I didnt tell. I lived with that secret and it prevented me from having a full loving relationship with H. After coming on TAM for other reasons - I suspected H of having an EA with a coworker- I read all the threads and realized the true depth of what I had done to him and how wrong and selfish it was to keep that knowledge from him. I had never truly thought about how it would make him feel knowing what i had done but I realized I owed it to him so I disclosed.

His feelings and his pain were identical to yours even 25 years later. It was as if I'd shoved a knife in his heart and kept twisting it all through the day every day. A little less and less as time has gone by. I promised I would tell him whatever details he wanted to know and I would be honest no matter how much it shamed me -we both felt physically sick -I told him I would do whatever it took to help him feel safe within the marriage- take a poly, give him access to my phone, etc..I told him very honestly that I never loved this guy- I loved the way he made me feel (seen and heard) at a time when I was feeling invisible within the marriage. I knew I would never allow myself to REPEAT my infidelity. I NEVER did before or after that guy. It was situational- I realized what I wanted was for my H to give me what I was getting from OM. I never wanted anyone else I only wanted MORE from my H. I also realized that I was capable of doing what I did so put safeguards in place so it would never happen again. MC, IC, no OS friendships...

In the beginning H felt like you- he often felt like throwing up and sometimes physically did. He cried away from me, yelled at me and called me names and swore. He had never done that before. He wanted to leave me but didnt want to. H often tells me that he is still hurting (a year and a half later)and trying to deal with the pain I caused. We have been going to MC, IC, a weekend marriage retreat, I went to an IC relationship retreat on my own, we have read books, church based marital therapy courses....(this was also in an effort to deal with his recent EA)

It is a rollercoaster of emotions. Not an easy road. We BOTH know we love each other still and want to be together. What we didnt know and are still figuring out is how to get there in a healthy way. We want a better marriage, a more intimate marriage, a happier marriage where WE learn to meet each others needs and find out what they are.

We will make it because we both want to. We love each other above all else. My point ....under the right circumstances it can work out. There are successful reconciliations. Ours is still a work in progress...

If my H had discovered my A 25 years ago while I was still in the fog what should he have done?

1.Say from a position of strength-I am not interested in sharing my wife. He can have you. I'm filing for a separation.

2.Let me know that he was going to DNA the kids, get tested for STD's to show just how much I had destroyed his trust-and how disgusted he was with me

3.Serve me with separation papers.

4.Go on a vacation and dont tell me where or with whom.

5.or/and as part of the 180 make sure there is a possibility I could suspect he was seeing someone else.

This would have shocked me out of my fog, let me see exactly the impact my actions and selfishness have had and experience the consequences for them, allow me to feel what its like to not have your cake, there is no better way to understand the devastation an A has than to experience what it feels like to even suspect your spouse is having one. I know this from experience.

Hindsight is 20/20 and of course I dont really know what would have happened if he'd done that but I suspect it would have forced a come to jesus moment....(to borrow @arbitrators words) Your wife will either be devastated and feel like she has lost her world prompting proper remorse (I think likely) or she could see this as her exit affair and not fight you on it and continue with the guy (it will never work out-he is only providing something your not- you have been providing all the rest)

Sorry so long, very sorry if I triggered anyone, I was trying to let you see things from another side- there is still hope, there are things you can do (also get yourself in IC asap) This experience is similar to having PTSD- you will need support
 
#40 · (Edited)
This is an important post, it shows you what your wife is thinking, and what you can expect now for the rest of your marriage if you choose to continue it. Understand you will never go back to what it once was. There are 3 people in your marriage now and always, you, your wife, and the man she choose to betray you with.
 
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