Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 1133 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 07:24 PM Thread Starter
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Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

Hi I'm Cameron or you can call me Cam whatever you prefer. I'm 42 years old and have three kids two dogs and a faithful loyal wife, HA. Tried to make a joke I guess but on to the story, I'm actually really hurting.

So basically my wife and I have been together since we were 20 and we got married 24. Our marriage has been pretty good so far, we barely argued had an active sex life and have great kids. Neither of us smoke, neither of us are alcoholics and both of us are physically fit/healthy. Our intimacy and sex life has dwindled for the last few years I attribute that to stress from our jobs, us getting older and marriage being more routine. Basically were both at fault for that part, our communication should have been better. Our bedroom certainly wasn't dead but the intimacy wasn't like when we were newlyweds. I blame our communication for that too.

On to the story, so my wife 41 female, has been having an "emotional affair" with her co-worker who is also married. A week ago a mutual friend spotted my wife and this dude out on a date basically and texted me about it. The mutual friend is actually more of her friend and is also female, it was a fairly nice restaurant and it looked pretty weird to her to see my wife who is married out with this man. She also noted that they were holding hands, how ****ing cute. She told me and I confronted my wife when she got home (5 days ago). I asked for the full details of the affair but she cried and said it will just hurt me even more.

Basically she has been having an emotional/sexting affair with this co worker for 6 months. I would of never suspected her having an affair, but she was certainly texting her girlfriends a lot and laughing. She's apart of a group chat with her friends so I was naive as hell. I was devastated when she admitted it she also didn't admit it right away. She told me we felt more like roommates than lovers and this jackass just made her feel so special inside (probably literally) as well. Throughout her affair she wasn't cold or that distant to me, she was still very loving and affectionate towards me and we still had sex. You're telling me this ******* is wining and dining my wife and he's not getting any? Yeah right.

The wife was the most kindest, sweetest, loyal person who I thought adored me and I did her. All our friends think we have one of the best marriages out of all of them. Wife is swearing up and down nothing happened between them, she is what I read tickle truthing me. She didn't even admit to the sexting until I pushed for it. I'm incredibly angry with her and have been sleeping in separate beds, when I look at her I feel physically sick. I've been as cold as ice towards her and the kids have started to take notice. I also broke down and said how could you ****ing do this to me? I shouldn't have done this but I was in so much shock and still am, I cry in private now though. She also flipped out on me when I called her a cheating *****, I've never called her a ***** ***** **** **** ever. She said "See you don't give a **** about me anymore you ****ing ****". Coming from the cheating partner oh the irony.

I have read about 180s and trying to make it look like I don't care and that's what I've been doing so far. Does anyone have experience with this? She said she doesn't want a divorce but she's so confused and she does have strong feelings for the AP. I have alerted his wife by the way. She's saying she won't text him anymore and I think she needs to quit her job. Also I very doubt their affair was just emotional. She's also saying she doesn't want a divorce. I'm absolutely devastated and am trying hard to hide it, I've also been going hard at the gym. No one knows except her friend and me and other mans wife.

Should I divorce? (she said she doesn't want one) Should I reconcile? Over the past 5 days she's seemed remorseful and not at the same time, if that makes sense? This is a woman who was so proud of our relationship and what we have built together, it's now all just destroyed. She told me she's sorry that she did this and she's sorry that I don't believe that it's not just emotional. I've lost my appetite and don't know what to do anymore, please help.

Also a friend of mine knows, I asked him for help on what I should do and he redirected me here and told me all about the 180 and not to make the same mistakes he made.


Last edited by cam42; 01-14-2017 at 08:12 PM.
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post #2 of 1133 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 08:04 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

Emotional affair + physical proximity to EAP = physical affair

Sorry, but there's no way that they didn't bang.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #3 of 1133 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 08:07 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

Sorry you had to look for us, but so pleased you found us.

The good news? You and your wife can get through this.

But! She needs to be truly remorseful, she has to give you whatever details you want. (I never wanted any details of my wife's affair, but some betrayed spouses do.)

Couple's counselling might be of benefit to you, plus individual counselling, also.

You need to be checked out for STDs. Yeah, sure, of course they only ever held hands, or she insisted on condoms, or he assured her he was clean and so on and so forth...

And one way to really show her how she has ruined your trust and faith in her, get DNA tests done on your children. This is to send her a message that she has blown up your marriage to such an extent that you can no longer trust anything she has ever said or done throughout your relationship. Well, she was able to pull the wool over your eyes during her affair, so...

A Voice Activated Recorder hidden in her car might be worth considering.

Please keep us updated on what is happening. Remember the vast majority of us here have been in your position, some in the position of your wife and some on both sides of the fence, so we know where you both are, now.

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http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
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post #4 of 1133 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 08:29 PM
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Cool Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

6 months worth of dates and no banging?

Google the Sidney Sherman Bridge in Houston and I'll sell it to you for $10 if they didn't find themselves a nice secluded place away from you in which to let their drawers hit the floor at least once within a six months time span!

Think that it's high time to do "the 180" and to start lawyer shopping so that you can be immediately advised of both your custodial and property rights!

And on your way over to the barristers office, be sure to drop by and visit your personal MD to insure that she hasn't exactly given you "something to remember her by!"

In addition, you might also notify the OM's wife as well as your wife's company's HR Department, as a lot of companies these days do not exactly subscribe to "drawer dropping fraternization" on or off of the clock, more especially with other company employees!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html

Last edited by arbitrator; 01-14-2017 at 09:03 PM. Reason: Edification
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post #5 of 1133 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 08:46 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

Your wife doesn't seem fully remorseful yet.

she's still in denial and making excuses.
That needs to change in a huge way before anything else.
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post #6 of 1133 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 08:59 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

The first thing your wife needs to do is cut off ALL contact with the OM and quit her job - IMMEDIATELY.

If she won't do both of those things, there's nothing left to save OP. File.
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post #7 of 1133 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 09:09 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

Read some of the threads I have started if you want the move on opinion. Whatever you do, don't be weak. It will get you nowhere. Your wife needs consequences, very much like a child. Really if she isn't going to do the work you are better off just calling it. You may not be happy but you won't for sure if she is going to blame her affair on you.

If it was me I would serve her. You can always change your mind. Also tell the guys wife.

Also be aware if you do decided to stay you will always get the worst of the deal. It will always be unfair, you need to be able to live with that, if you can't move on now because the alternative is having it eat you up inside and make you miserable.

Sorry dude.

And you don't date for 5 months and not have sex, she is lying.

Tell his wife, serve your wife.

Last edited by sokillme; 01-14-2017 at 09:13 PM.
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post #8 of 1133 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 09:18 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

It was a physical affair and an emotional one.Sorry dude.


She does not look remorseful for the affair because she isn't. She may have some regret but that is not the same thing


You do not have to make any decisions now about Divorce and I think you need to do some more digging before you think too hard about reconciling

I suspect she will ( if now already) get in contact with OM. You can no longer believe a word she says. She lies. She cheats. This is established . She will lie straight to your face.

as a wise man said to me when i arrived 7 years ago with a similar scenario...


DIG
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post #9 of 1133 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 09:37 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

For my own sanity I know she was bull****ting me and I know she's been ****ing this guy. I don't want a divorce and I feel like a fool for that. This is my wife the mother of my kids, the woman who's been my best friend. I'm angry, so ****ing angry. I'm going to give her one more chance to come clean about the whole affair, I also know of a night in particular where I'm sure she met up with him somewhere. How am I going to get passed the fact that my wife was being physical with this *******? I need to be emotionally stronger here. I told the other man's wife. I feel so emotionally frustrated and sick **** I still love her and she said she still loves me. My wife had a ****ing boyfriend.
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post #10 of 1133 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 09:46 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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Originally Posted by cam42 View Post
For my own sanity I know she was bull****ting me and I know she's been ****ing this guy. I don't want a divorce and I feel like a fool for that. This is my wife the mother of my kids, the woman who's been my best friend. I'm angry, so ****ing angry. I'm going to give her one more chance to come clean about the whole affair, I also know of a night in particular where I'm sure she met up with him somewhere. How am I going to get passed the fact that my wife was being physical with this *******? I need to be emotionally stronger here. I told the other man's wife. I feel so emotionally frustrated and sick **** I still love her and she said she still loves me. My wife had a ****ing boyfriend.
Yes she did. Don't make any decisions now if you can't. Work on getting stronger. Just remember love is not enough. I still say file, you can always change your mind but your wife needs to be shocked out of her comfort zone. Right now she is in dream land.

The truth is you have no idea right now how you will fell, 6 month, 2 year, 20 years from now. This is why it makes more sense to not even think about that. Try to use your logic not emotions to guide you.

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post #11 of 1133 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 09:53 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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Over the past 5 days she's seemed remorseful and not at the same time, if that makes sense?
Sounds like regret. That's not remorse.


Your wife is unlikely to admit to anything you can't prove or unless she winds up feeling actual remorse and wants to repair the damage she's caused by being honest. You're better off keeping up the 180 and having her served with divorce papers (don't tell her you're doing this). Maybe then she'll see how serious you are and she'll be motivated to save her marriage.

And of course you still love your wife. It's not like people get cheated on and suddenly they fall out of love. But love alone isn't enough to sustain a marriage. Especially one damaged by infidelity and lies. Your wife is not showing remorse for what she did. Reconciliation shouldn't even be a consideration until she does.

"The one who is most willing to walk away from the relationship, is the one who controls the relationship."

Last edited by Jasel; 01-14-2017 at 10:04 PM.
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post #12 of 1133 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 10:00 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

You also need to remember what kind of person your wife has become. She is not the same woman you thought she was. She is capable of lying to you for 6 month selfishly. Hurting you who supported her, her children's father, and even her children. All for selfish reasons. This is the person she is now. Do you really want to base you whole future on someone like that?

42 is still pretty young. You are a faithful man, you will be in demand.
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post #13 of 1133 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 10:06 PM Thread Starter
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Are wayward spouses like really in an alternate universe? I've been reading and trying to understand more about this hell. I can only imagine that the wife and the OM are sneaking around on their lunch break having their way with each other. She's just acting ****ing strange. Why couldn't she have just made it easier and asked for a divorced instead of doing this **** to me. She gave me a hug today and I should of declined it.
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post #14 of 1133 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 10:10 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

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For my own sanity I know she was bull****ting me and I know she's been ****ing this guy. I don't want a divorce and I feel like a fool for that. This is my wife the mother of my kids, the woman who's been my best friend. I'm angry, so ****ing angry. I'm going to give her one more chance to come clean about the whole affair, I also know of a night in particular where I'm sure she met up with him somewhere. How am I going to get passed the fact that my wife was being physical with this *******? I need to be emotionally stronger here. I told the other man's wife. I feel so emotionally frustrated and sick **** I still love her and she said she still loves me. My wife had a ****ing boyfriend.
Have her quit her job and write a no contact letter to her affair partner. Get into marriage counseling as soon as possible. She is confused my Arse! She thinks she is "in love" with this guy. There is no confusion about that. Place a VAR in her car or where she uses the phone in private. If she continues contact with the OM, expose her cheating arse. How old are your kids? If they are teens, you need to let them know what mommie did or she will turn this around on you. Exposure needs to be done if she is so damn confused. She betrayed you and her children in the worst way. You leave one relationship before entering another. She is what you insulted her with. She may not like it, but that is why exposure is a big consequence for a confused, remorseless cheater like herself.

She is way ahead of the game in the detachment part from you. Of course you don't want a divorce and you still love her. You are reeling from the pain and confusion her betrayal has caused. In time, like most of us, you will come to realize that you don't want anything to do with a woman that could set up nest elsewhere after so damn carelessly throwing away all those years of love and committment for a piece of A$$; a married one at that!

She is not the woman you married anymore. You may not be able to wrap your head around that this soon, but take your time and watch her closely. Make sure the affair is over and if it isn't EXPOSE.

Read the standard evidence post to get more truth than the lies she is giving you. Even if you love her, don't let her get away with rugsweeping this affair or she will cheat again since there are no real consequences to her betrayal because you want to save the marriage.

You can't save what YOU didn't break! She did that herself. If she was that miserable and bored with the relationship, she should of communicated that to YOU and not seek solace elsewhere. Sometimes we accept blame where we have none because if we broke it then we can fix it.

Wrong! It's all on her when she introduced a third party into a marriage that consists of only TWO!

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #15 of 1133 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 10:12 PM
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Re: Wife had a 6 month "emotional affair" with a married man

Your first step is to get out of infidelity

You need to expose the affair. DO NOT TELL HER THAT YOU ARE DOING THIS. Send her boyfriend's wife all of their texts. AGAIN DO NOT WARN HER - SHE WILL JUST WARN HER BOYFRIEND

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