My husband just admitted he cheated!!!

blueskies30 · 12-13-2011, 10:46 PM

My husband just admitted to me tonihgt that he had an affiar. We have been legally seperated. We have been working on reconsilation and I have felt there was a reason he kept going back and forth and why he kept having so many doubts about our marriage when he said he loved me.

I cheated too before he did, but my person lives in another state although he did fly to see me nad we did have sex. I felt really guilty and dirty.

My husband feels so guilty, so guilty he feels he is not good enough for me.

I'm not sure what I should be feeling rihgt now. I have not made love to my husband in like 4 months and before I found out about his affiar I had an idea that he did something. Why do I feel the desire to make love with my husband even more now??

nice777guy · 12-13-2011, 10:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by blueskies30

My husband just admitted to me tonihgt that he had an affiar. We have been legally seperated. We have been working on reconsilation and I have felt there was a reason he kept going back and forth and why he kept having so many doubts about our marriage when he said he loved me.

I cheated too before he did, but my person lives in another state although he did fly to see me nad we did have sex. I felt really guilty and dirty.

My husband feels so guilty, so guilty he feels he is not good enough for me.

I'm not sure what I should be feeling rihgt now. I have not made love to my husband in like 4 months and before I found out about his affiar I had an idea that he did something. Why do I feel the desire to make love with my husband even more now??

You want things to be "right" again.

But making love will only be a temporary solution.

You guys have a lot of work to do...and a lot of decisions to make about what you can and can't forgive...good luck...

OOE · 12-13-2011, 10:49 PM

Hysterical bonding plays a role, too.

blueskies30 · 12-13-2011, 11:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by OOE

Hysterical bonding plays a role, too.

What do you mean by this??

OOE · 12-13-2011, 11:18 PM

Quote:

Hysterical Bonding – from the SI website: Upon being confronted with the undeniable reality that their most trusted spouse has betrayed them with another, some BS's experience an overwhelming sexual desire for their wayward spouse. Many couples claim to have had the best, most intense and loving sex of their relationship during the period following the discovery of an affair, (generally a few weeks to several months), often trying new things and experimenting in ways they had never considered before. This phenomenon is termed "Hysterical Bonding.

There is very little information on this phenomenon, but it appears to be a primal, instinctual way for the partners to reconnect and reclaim each other. While it may feel counter-intuitive to the BS; as if they are "rewarding" the WS for the affair, hysterical bonding can be a stepping stone to reconciliation. The intimacy encourages communication and a closeness that may otherwise take some time to re-build.

The occurrence or absence of hysterical bonding does not appear to be an indicator of successful reconciliation. Many other factors, such as the WS's remorse and openness are far more reliable indicators. Hysterical bonding is, however, normal, and nothing for the BS to be alarmed about or ashamed about experiencing. In fact, it has been said it is the one positive in an otherwise long and miserable experience, so enjoy it while it lasts!

From this post.

blueskies30 · 12-14-2011, 02:00 AM

OOE:

WOW!! Thanks for that information. I did not know it was normal to feel this way.

I was already thinking of telling my husband he needs to come over after he gets off work tomorrow. Actually before he left my house today and before he told me of the affair. He was loving touching me as he hugged me. I guess I was loving rubbing my hands along his chest wihtout thinking about it.

My husband called me as soon as he left my house and was asking if I was ok. This was before he told me, but he had told me that I was going to be really upset with him and want a divorce after our next MC session. While on the phone he just could not hold in his guilt any longer. He kept saying he had done somehting really really bad. I kept saying what, tell me now don't wait until counseling. Then he said he did something really bad. I said you slept with that girl didn't you?!! He said yes. He was very very remorseful. We continued to talk on the phone. he answered every question I asked.

He says he feels so bad and doesn't feel he deserves me. I have kind of waited so long for those words. So many others have told me my husband does not deserve me.

My husband and I decided as of tonihgt that we will continue with our marriage. For me his infedility does not change how much I love him. His infedility happened when he was mourning me and when he was imagining me with another.

I too have felt a lot of guilt for the way I have acted over the course of my marriage, even though I loved him so much. My husband and I had grown far apart even though we were going to MC sessions. I had felt that he no longer loved me for years. We had very infrequent sex. I thought he did not desire me...he said tonight he has all along, but my constant nagging him making him feel like he was not doing a good job as a husband made him not able to perform.

Because I felt he didn't love me I actually had a EA over FB. It involoved long conversations where I never came to bed until 2-4am, sexting and video sex.

I'm not at all saying my husband is off the hook by me, but I don't want to give up on my marriage because I found out.

I think we might need to act quickly on effection for eachother before I start really resenting him.

Jellybeans · 12-14-2011, 05:54 AM

I cheated too before he did

Have you told him that you cheated too?

Shaggy · 12-14-2011, 07:54 AM

You need to come fully clean to him about what you have done. There will never bea better time than now.
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blueskies30 · 12-14-2011, 01:50 PM

I did tell him some of it. I told him I had phone sex and video sex

blueskies30 · 12-14-2011, 01:53 PM

I never saw my affair partner like he did his. She lives here and it feels like such betrayal.

We were supposed to be reconsiling while he was with her. Thats really what hurts.

CH · 12-14-2011, 02:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by blueskies30

I did tell him some of it. I told him I had phone sex and video sex

But you never told him you actually had physical sex. If you truly want to R, then the truth has to come out.

blueskies30 · 12-14-2011, 02:22 PM

I've already erased it from my mind and if he knew he would feel like we should really get a divorce. Hes already thinking about divorce because he says he does not deserve me and hes hurt me so much

Dadof3 · 12-14-2011, 02:25 PM

^^ trickle truth. He needs to know about all of it.

blueskies30 · 12-14-2011, 03:15 PM

I'm feeling like I need to see him, but he wants to kind of with draw emotionally now. He says he can't come over tonight because he doesn't want to get even more depressed

Jellybeans · 12-14-2011, 03:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by blueskies30

I did tell him some of it. I told him I had phone sex and video sex

Quote:

Originally Posted by blueskies30

I've already erased it from my mind and if he knew he would feel like we should really get a divorce. Hes already thinking about divorce because he says he does not deserve me and hes hurt me so much

Not fair.
He's told you about waht he did and you're gaslighting him.

You need to be honest with him. This man came to you and told you something MAJOR and gaslighting him and hiding your own truth with him after you said this:

My husband feels so guilty, so guilty he feels he is not good enough for me.

...is awful. I am calling you out cause it's wrong what you're doing.

Come clean. Put all your cards on the table.

Then decide together whether to stay or go.