Catch up on the UAP RT's Ultimate Affair Plan RT's Ultimate Affair Plan RT's Ultimate Affair Plan RT's Ultimate Affair Plan RT's Ultimate Affair Plan RT's Ultimate Affair Plan RT's Ultimate Affair Plan RT's Ultimate Affair Plan RT's Ultimate Affair Plan RT's Ultimate Affair Plan RT's Ultimate Affair Plan RT's Ultimate Affair Plan RT's Ultimate Affair Plan
Today's post is highly interactive and can be very rewarding to every single couple. That said, I urge every couple to consider implementing the contents of this post, although it seems to be written for newer couples. Most couples don't go through a formal process of setting boundaries and examining them, making this very helpful to do at any time.
I was pondering for weeks as to how to approach boundaries in the UAP, but I ultimately decided to go a practical route versus being informative. Part of this is because the scientific literature doesn't single out boundaries that much. This is no stretch. What they do single out are risk factors. I give clients a real good lesson on boundaries, especially in self-enforcement, but for this forum I want to make it more couples-oriented.
The best source I found was from the Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, entitled Affair-Proofing Questions: Discussion Questions for Couples. The article is very straight forward, offering the typical prototype and explanation of an affair. The meat of the article is to help guide couples through a process of discovery, which ultimately brings them closer to one another. In a relationship, it is common for rules or expectations to be left unsaid, which leaves the other partner with too much of a leash. They often find themselves rationalizing bad behavior because it was never prohibited by their partner.
All of these questions are directly from the research article. Discuss them with your beloved. When having this conversation, use my 80/20 rule, paraphrase and ask questions for understanding, and be honest. (80/20 means listening 80 percent of the time when its the other partner's turn). Save the disputes and arguments for later. This exercise is all about engendering mutual understanding. Coming to an agreement on the terms of the boundaries will be hashed out after each person's position is understood.
Affair-proofing part 1 (1)
1. How do you define infidelity?
(my comments: It may be necessary to specifically ask about different aspects of infidelity, such as dinner with person of opposite sex, kissing, flirting, etc.. Make no assumptions)
2. Sophie has gotten close to a man she knows from work. Her husband, Ted,
knew nothing about the relationship until he discovered some flirtatious
emails between them. Ted is furious that Sophie is communicating with this
man. Although the man lives in a neighboring state, Ted cannot help but
wonder if they have been seeing each other during business trips. Sophie
says that the emails mean nothing —she was just joking around, and Ted
has nothing to worry about. How can Ted and Sophie handle this situation?
What do they need to do next?
3. A woman caught her partner downloading pornography from various
websites. The woman is outraged by what she sees as “sick behavior” and
feels betrayed. She cannot understand the “need” to use pornography. Her
partner is embarrassed and feels ashamed about getting caught but says,
“It’s no big deal. I was just curious.” Is this a problem? What should the
woman do? What should her partner do?
4. Assuming a couple wants to stay together, what can they do to get beyond
5. Do you have to fully trust your partner to begin healing your relationship
after an affair? Can you really trust someone who has cheated on you?
How do you rebuild trust?
6. A couple has been together for eight years and has three children together.
Recently, it was discovered that one of the partners had an emotional
affair that eventually turned into a sexual affair. The unfaithful partner
is scared, confused, and unsure about ending the affair. How can this
couple handle this situation? What do they need to do?
7. Jim had an affair two years ago and Lisa is still grieving and angry at him.
According to Jim, she brings up the affair 5 to 6 times each day. She still
feels mad or upset most of the time, even though Jim says it is over, that he
is sorry, and that he has stayed faithful. How can Jim and Lisa handle this
situation? What do Jim and Lisa need to do next?
8. How do affairs negatively affect children?
9. What can you do to affair-proof your relationship?
I will post the affair-prevention plan next. It is another activity for the couple.
1). Piercy, F., et. al (2011). Affair-Proofing Relationships: Discussion Questions for Couples. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 10:345–362, 2011