RT's Ultimate Affair Plan - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
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post #61 of 326 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 02:37 PM
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Re: RT's Ultimate Affair Plan

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Polygamous societies might disagree with you . . .
I am talking about monogamous marriage. Polygamy and open marriage are a different animal entirely.

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post #62 of 326 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 03:47 PM
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Re: RT's Ultimate Affair Plan

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Should be a requirement. It's the very, very least, the very base foundation of marriage. Nothing else. Because if you don't have that you don't really have a marriage.
I agree, trust and faithfulness are vital for a marriage.
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post #63 of 326 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 04:25 PM
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Re: RT's Ultimate Affair Plan

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I find myself agreeing with your posts a lot today.

There seems to be this idea that we all just need to sadly accept that cheating is a part of marriage. lol No, it really isn't.
I/we are not promoting or advocating that cheating is just a part of marriage or that cheating is some kind of blessing.

Unfortunately for my wife and I it's a historical part of ours but, despite FEELING as many of you that haven't actually experienced it did or my wife thinking she could/would "never", it did happen and we recovered and have a perfectly normal exceptional trusting marriage today. Many others couples have accomplished the same thing and, I would estimate, great majority of those would also indicate they felt cheating was a deal killer in marriage.

The naivete I speak of is this notion that you're all somehow special and it's never going to happen to you and/or you're incapable of it. Maybe it's less likely for you and I can rattle off fifty facts and circumstances that make infidelity more or less likely for any particular couple {the fact you are even thinking and talking about it bodes well for you whereas most couples naively believe sexual exclusivity is just a given in their relationship and fail to protect themselves from Satans obvious traps} but no one can guarantee that they or their spouse are 100% never ever going to stray.

Don't forget ~ old people with dementia and alzheimer's in nursing home environments do it all the time and before you start justifying and rationalizing ~~ well, i'd be sick and not responsible for my actions, consider that a significant portion of repentant wayward spouses were suffering from depression.

I wish I could say everything in one word. I hate all the things that can happen between the beginning of a sentence and the end. ~ Leonard Cohen
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post #64 of 326 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 07:50 PM
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Re: RT's Ultimate Affair Plan

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I said "maybe" and I expanded upon it already to Conan earlier.


Empathy can be defined as the the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

The successfully recovered couples I've seen, helped and/or know seemed to include betrayed spouses that were able to understand and share the feelings of their wayward spouse. They were certainly hurt deeply but still able to understand that such feelings weren't facts and didn't/don't define them. They were able to take the focus solely off their own pain and recognize their own humanity through the failure of their spouse. An unrepented wayward spouse is DEAD, spiritually; and, if one of your loved ones is DEAD, the sympathetic and empathetic thing one may choose to do is to TRY to save them {whether you reconcile or not}.

In my opinion only, throwing away your spouse {and other parent of your children ~ absent kids and a young marriage you should probably run} forever, post haste and without a second thought due to their sexual immorality {adultery} is to me indicative of someone that probably has less empathy.

Then again, maybe empathy is developed/modified/molded through the process of such reconciliation or really any trial and tribulation of life. Getting older, maturing, practicing Christianity all have their effect ~~ positive or negative. It's an interesting consideration as empathy appears to be multi-dimensional involving both cognitive and emotional elements which, in part, might explain some of our differences on this forum between the persons that have experienced the true emotions involved and those that have not but simply share their cognitive "empathy" {or lack thereof}. I don't know. I'm not an expert and don't claim to know it all and I'm just discussing this with you all.

I thought it would be really hard to evaluate and measure "empathy" but I just googled and apparently someone developed a {scientific} test called the Interpersonal Reactivity Index LINK

I tried to do a before and after comparing how I think I would have answered these questions as the young naive idealistic unrepentant married man I was and the man I am today.

My scores: Me Then/Me Now ~~ Index Mean: Men/women

Perspective Taking Scale: 17/23 ~~ 16.78/17.96
Fantasy Scale: 16/19 ~~ 15.73/18/75
Empathetic Concern Scale: 16/22 ~~ 19.04/21.67
Personal Distress Scale: 12/9 ~ 9.46/12.28

Appears I'm NOW more empathetic than the average man on all indexes where I was at or below average years ago.

Here's a bit about what the scores mean ~ LINK
This is interesting, and I appreciate you sharing it. People who know me consider me empathetic/compassionate, but be careful where you place your empathy. Adding to what Diana said above, don't mistake enabling and codependence ...for empathy and forgiveness. That would be my advice to anyone dealing with someone cheating on them. Make sure that the person is remorseful, otherwise...you're just enabling them to keep 'sinning.'
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post #65 of 326 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 07:55 PM
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Re: RT's Ultimate Affair Plan

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I/we are not promoting or advocating that cheating is just a part of marriage or that cheating is some kind of blessing.

Unfortunately for my wife and I it's a historical part of ours but, despite FEELING as many of you that haven't actually experienced it did or my wife thinking she could/would "never", it did happen and we recovered and have a perfectly normal exceptional trusting marriage today. Many others couples have accomplished the same thing and, I would estimate, great majority of those would also indicate they felt cheating was a deal killer in marriage.

The naivete I speak of is this notion that you're all somehow special and it's never going to happen to you and/or you're incapable of it. Maybe it's less likely for you and I can rattle off fifty facts and circumstances that make infidelity more or less likely for any particular couple {the fact you are even thinking and talking about it bodes well for you whereas most couples naively believe sexual exclusivity is just a given in their relationship and fail to protect themselves from Satans obvious traps} but no one can guarantee that they or their spouse are 100% never ever going to stray.

Don't forget ~ old people with dementia and alzheimer's in nursing home environments do it all the time and before you start justifying and rationalizing ~~ well, i'd be sick and not responsible for my actions, consider that a significant portion of repentant wayward spouses were suffering from depression.
I think this is true, I mean it's easy to say ''I would never tolerate this,'' being I've never been married. lol But, I've been in relationships, and I'm engaged now...and I wouldn't WANT to tolerate it. It would seem unnatural for me to accept this in my life. I could accept many things...''for better or for worse'' but not cheating. Not abuse. Those two things, would be deal breakers...and if I don't keep promises to myself, how can I keep a promise to someone else? Maybe some people feel that marriage is it, you say ''I do,'' and the person can cheat, lie, etc...and you will just tolerate it for the rest of your life. I would rather be alone, than stay married to someone who doesn't see my worth.

Having said all of that, I hear you though. lol I think that what you're saying is valuable, and worth noting.
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post #66 of 326 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 08:09 PM
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Re: RT's Ultimate Affair Plan

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Originally Posted by MEM2020 View Post
RT,
You initiated the thread with a great post on an enormously important topic.

A ways back I attempted to get folks to answer a very simple question. Would they prefer to marry someone who:
- Treats them great during the marriage has a brief affair and immediately ends it and works to recon when discovered
Or
- Doesn't really treat you well, but never cheats on you

Almost no one would answer the question as asked.

The sad thing is - the second spouse is sort of chronically breaking their vow to 'love'.
I'll take option number one, with a large lemonade. Oh, and easy on the ice. Thanks.
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Pretty much sums up the reason your posts about infidelity are meaningless. You've never had to ACTUALLY choose whereas I and many other knowledgeable and experienced posters have.

When it's really happening to you and not some exercise of the imagination or "Sophie's Choice" it's not so "meaningless" and there's a big difference between speculating, even with emphasized certainty, in advance, "I CHOOSE to not accept it in my life" to when the woman you love and married, committed your life to and have children with is actually putting you in the position to have to choose.

That's not to say you can't CHOOSE divorce. It would be your biblical right and some people lack the ability, personality and maybe empathy to ever forgive and continue the way God would prefer, if possible. The biblical out was given to us as an escape from relational pain. It's not a requirement and God was clear when He said he hated divorce.
"For I hate divorce!" says the LORD, the God of Israel. "To divorce your wife is to overwhelm her with cruelty," says the LORD of Heaven's Armies. "So guard your heart; do not be unfaithful to your wife." - Malachi 2:16 NLT
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post #67 of 326 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 08:46 PM Thread Starter
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Re: RT's Ultimate Affair Plan

Thank you for the responses thus far. Some of your thoughts highlight the reason for why this thread was created. My intentions are to enable individuals to make their decisions and be happier about them, regardless of what they are. If one wishes to dispute the information I present, I only ask that they include an explanation with a positive claim as to what "is" correct then.


A.) Why individuals cheat (there will be future additions to the various aspects of the UAP, especially part A)

To understand what pre-empts this most traumatic instance (or series of), one must step into the mind (cognitive and emotional) of the distressed partner, not to say that only distressed partners seek extradyadic activity. In fact, one of the studies I will present today discusses surveyed reasonings and mindsets that foster adultery. So, for me to tell you to empathize with the unfaithful does not mean that you must feel for them, or that you are validating their behavior. Empathy is a basic component to Emotional Intelligence, something necessary for a successful life, at work and at home. What is empathy, then (1)?

Quote:
Recognizing emotions in others. Empathy, another ability that builds on emotional self-awareness, is the fundamental "people skill.".... People who are empathic are more attuned to the subtle social signals that indicate what others need or want.
To fail to empathize in this situation is analogous to not attempting to understand what cancer is and how it works. That said, one will be confronted with feelings and cognitions that are not necessarily commendable or resembling any reasonable amount of logic. But, the truth exists and it begs to be discovered so that workable solutions may be derived. In working with infidelity, one must look it as a symptom of the underlying relational dysfunction (2), that is, that disconnection, marital dissatisfaction and unmet relational needs are the reasons individuals fall prey to committing adulterous (extra-dyadic) behavior (additional contributions will be discussed, based on various published studies). Understanding this reality greatly enables individuals to heal from affairs, re-create a viable relationship, address the character flaws that allowed for adulterous behavior and to prevent any future infidelity. As such, an individual may impart great relational gains upon their relationship by understanding the various dynamics at play with infidelity.(3)

Quote:
Sexual infidelity occurs when the sexual and/or intimacy needs of one or both members of a couple are not being satisfied in that relationship and when the constraints against infidelity are either weak or nonexistent.
Let me finish today's addition by discussing boundaries, which will imply joint-responsibility for the "underlying relational dysfunction". Often, a young couple will seek out pre-marital counseling in an effort to ensure their long-term success is prepared for. Individuals may not clearly understand what they are getting into when they say "I do". Those that are still in the infatuation stage might take it for granted, not realizing that the rush of dopamine will soon end, leaving the actual relationship work in the hands of clear(er)-headed indviduals with different opinions. Boundaries tend to be under-established or over-established, depending on various factors related to backgrounds and the established power structure of the relationship. Understanding that we humans are fallible and tend to be more irrational than rational, it only makes sense that boundaries are established to police one another so that grievous mistakes aren't made. Too few boundaries leave potentially dangerous behavior to be viable. Too many boundaries might sabotage the relational connection, literally creating the basis for the desire to seek connection..... elsewhere. That explains the need for some type of pre-marital counseling so that boundaries are joint established, making them voluntary and the reason for the arrangement entirely voluntary.

Boundaries are necessary because individuals have weaknesses, and I am not different, regardless of what I know or how much I train my E-IQ. Individuals think that they will always have the ability to say yes or now with ease, not adequately planning for positive and negative emotional hijackings that drastically undermine this cause. When we confide (emotionally) with others, we form bonds with them. Think of this like the roots of a tree. When the roots of a bond are established, the activity of exploring the connection become rewarding, which encourages the thoughts and actions that back the behavior. One can be receptive to the roots of another individual, and vice-versa, even if the primary relationship is fundamentally healthy; That is where boundaries come in. Boundaries are self and jointly enforced, meaning that it requires a mindful approach to protect the relationship.

I don't blame the injured partner for the actions of their partner, but one should not be surprised due to the statistical realities of infidelity. Further, if we properly diagnose the symptoms to the relational dysfunction, then it implies that the relationship truly can be saved. If the assumed cause of the adultery was because "their spouse is just a bad person", then we leave no room for any forward movement to take place. That leads us to one prompt that we have for the injured partner, were you not enforcing the boundaries of the relationship, leaving your partners vulnerabilities to be exploited, assuming their self-enforcement mechanism failed? This could lead one to realize that their spouse might have had employment that imposed risks to their marriage, such as travel, work around members of the opposite sex, work with many single individuals, etc. There also could be instances where the spouse was often allowed to go off and do their own thing, like guy's or girl's night out. It is important to qualify what constitutes time spent away from the primary romantic partner. In that light, one should consider the opportunities that are not acted upon to maintain or build upon the primary connection. If one hangs out with their friends three times per week, then we are witnessing behavior that could impose risks of immediate adulterous behavior or long-term disconnection. Did your roots dwindle somewhat from your partner, as they established new ones with someone else? Have you considered the amplification of hormones in a newly-established relationship? Were you complacent? If you were the adulterer, how did you let the connection build to this new man/woman? Do you remember when it no longer became easy to say no but became easy to say yes?

In regards to boundaries, one must understand that they must be proactive while they still have full access to their rational portion of their brain. This implies to plan ahead before any emotional weakness is imposed on them. Putting a relationship back together after an affair requires much discussion about boundaries, but also to ensure that partners are actively working to build and maintain the underlying connection. If disconnection breeds adultery, then connection (primary) can be seen to make adultery easy to mitigate.


1. Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional intelligence (1st ed., p. 43). New York: Bantam Books.
2. Cheour, M. (2016). Affair Recovery (1st ed.). Zenith Miami Counseling and Coaching Center.
3. Peluso, P. R. (2007). Infidelity : A Practitioner’s Guide to Working with Couples in Crisis. New York: Routledge.

Last edited by Relationship Teacher; 01-30-2017 at 01:56 PM.
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post #68 of 326 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 09:47 PM
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Re: RT's Ultimate Affair Plan

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Originally Posted by Quality View Post
I/we are not promoting or advocating that cheating is just a part of marriage or that cheating is some kind of blessing.

Unfortunately for my wife and I it's a historical part of ours but, despite FEELING as many of you that haven't actually experienced it did or my wife thinking she could/would "never", it did happen and we recovered and have a perfectly normal exceptional trusting marriage today. Many others couples have accomplished the same thing and, I would estimate, great majority of those would also indicate they felt cheating was a deal killer in marriage.

The naivete I speak of is this notion that you're all somehow special and it's never going to happen to you and/or you're incapable of it. Maybe it's less likely for you and I can rattle off fifty facts and circumstances that make infidelity more or less likely for any particular couple {the fact you are even thinking and talking about it bodes well for you whereas most couples naively believe sexual exclusivity is just a given in their relationship and fail to protect themselves from Satans obvious traps} but no one can guarantee that they or their spouse are 100% never ever going to stray.

Don't forget ~ old people with dementia and alzheimer's in nursing home environments do it all the time and before you start justifying and rationalizing ~~ well, i'd be sick and not responsible for my actions, consider that a significant portion of repentant wayward spouses were suffering from depression.
I suffered from severe depression for many years in the distant past, why is that an excuse?If you REALLY have depression you struggle to even cope day to day, the last thing you will be thinking about is cheating.

I don't agree with you, there are people who would never cheat no matter what. Their honestly and moral values just wouldn't allow them to.
In the end its a choice, and while you may trust you wife, after an affair I couldn't. We are all different.

I was betrayed by my first husband in a slightly different way, my husband was betrayed by his first wife, my dad had a long affair, both of my brothers wives cheated, so I for one am all too aware of the terrible effects it has, and that's why for me its something that I wouldnt accept or put up with and many marriages end because of it. I disagree that people who know its a deal killer for them will suddenly change their minds if it happens to them. I know far more marriages that ended because of adultery than didn't.
My husband knows how I feel about this. He hates cheating as well.

Last edited by Diana7; 01-27-2017 at 09:56 PM.
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post #69 of 326 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 09:51 PM
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Re: RT's Ultimate Affair Plan

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Originally Posted by Relationship Teacher View Post
Thank you for the responses thus far. Some of your thoughts highlight the reason for why this thread was created. My intentions are to enable individuals to make their decisions and be happier about them, regardless of what they are. If one wishes to dispute the information I present, I only ask that they include an explanation with a positive claim as to what "is" correct then.

Before I begin with the lesson, I would like to share that I will be interviewing a prominent Psychologist, specifically regarding infidelity. It will be posted here (audio) when I have completed the editing, perhaps in a week or so.

A.) Why individuals cheat (there will be future additions to the various aspects of the UAP, especially part A)

To understand what pre-empts this most traumatic instance (or series of), one must step into the mind (cognitive and emotional) of the distressed partner, not to say that only distressed partners seek extradyadic activity. In fact, one of the studies I will present today discusses surveyed reasonings and mindsets that foster adultery. So, for me to tell you to empathize with the unfaithful does not mean that you must feel for them, or that you are validating their behavior. Empathy is a basic component to Emotional Intelligence, something necessary for a successful life, at work and at home. What is empathy, then (1)?



To fail to empathize in this situation is analogous to not attempting to understand what cancer is and how it works. That said, one will be confronted with feelings and cognitions that are not necessarily commendable or resembling any reasonable amount of logic. But, the truth exists and it begs to be discovered so that workable solutions may be derived. In working with infidelity, one must look it as a symptom of the underlying relational dysfunction (2), that is, that disconnection, marital dissatisfaction and unmet relational needs are the reasons individuals fall prey to committing adulterous (extra-dyadic) behavior (additional contributions will be discussed, based on various published studies). Understanding this reality greatly enables individuals to heal from affairs, re-create a viable relationship, address the character flaws that allowed for adulterous behavior and to prevent any future infidelity. As such, an individual may impart great relational gains upon their relationship by understanding the various dynamics at play with infidelity.(3)



Let me finish today's addition by discussing boundaries, which will imply joint-responsibility for the "underlying relational dysfunction". Often, a young couple will seek out pre-marital counseling in an effort to ensure their long-term success is prepared for. Individuals may not clearly understand what they are getting into when they say "I do". Those that are still in the infatuation stage might take it for granted, not realizing that the rush of dopamine will soon end, leaving the actual relationship work in the hands of clear(er)-headed indviduals with different opinions. Boundaries tend to be under-established or over-established, depending on various factors related to backgrounds and the established power structure of the relationship. Understanding that we humans are fallible and tend to be more irrational than rational, it only makes sense that boundaries are established to police one another so that grievous mistakes aren't made. Too few boundaries leave potentially dangerous behavior to be viable. Too many boundaries might sabotage the relational connection, literally creating the basis for the desire to seek connection..... elsewhere. That explains the need for some type of pre-marital counseling so that boundaries are joint established, making them voluntary and the reason for the arrangement entirely voluntary.

Boundaries are necessary because individuals have weaknesses, and I am not different, regardless of what I know or how much I train my E-IQ. Individuals think that they will always have the ability to say yes or now with ease, not adequately planning for positive and negative emotional hijackings that drastically undermine this cause. When we confide (emotionally) with others, we form bonds with them. Think of this like the roots of a tree. When the roots of a bond are established, the activity of exploring the connection become rewarding, which encourages the thoughts and actions that back the behavior. One can be receptive to the roots of another individual, and vice-versa, even if the primary relationship is fundamentally healthy; That is where boundaries come in. Boundaries are self and jointly enforced, meaning that it requires a mindful approach to protect the relationship.

I don't blame the injured partner for the actions of their partner, but one should not be surprised due to the statistical realities of infidelity. Further, if we properly diagnose the symptoms to the relational dysfunction, then it implies that the relationship truly can be saved. If the assumed cause of the adultery was because "their spouse is just a bad person", then we leave no room for any forward movement to take place. That leads us to one prompt that we have for the injured partner, were you not enforcing the boundaries of the relationship, leaving your partners vulnerabilities to be exploited, assuming their self-enforcement mechanism failed? This could lead one to realize that their spouse might have had employment that imposed risks to their marriage, such as travel, work around members of the opposite sex, work with many single individuals, etc. There also could be instances where the spouse was often allowed to go off and do their own thing, like guy's or girl's night out. It is important to qualify what constitutes time spent away from the primary romantic partner. In that light, one should consider the opportunities that are not acted upon to maintain or build upon the primary connection. If one hangs out with their friends three times per week, then we are witnessing behavior that could impose risks of immediate adulterous behavior or long-term disconnection. Did your roots dwindle somewhat from your partner, as they established new ones with someone else? Have you considered the amplification of hormones in a newly-established relationship? Were you complacent? If you were the adulterer, how did you let the connection build to this new man/woman? Do you remember when it no longer became easy to say no but became easy to say yes?

In regards to boundaries, one must understand that they must be proactive while they still have full access to their rational portion of their brain. This implies to plan ahead before any emotional weakness is imposed on them. Putting a relationship back together after an affair requires much discussion about boundaries, but also to ensure that partners are actively working to build and maintain the underlying connection. If disconnection breeds adultery, then connection (primary) can be seen to make adultery easy to mitigate.


1. Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional intelligence (1st ed., p. 43). New York: Bantam Books.
2. Cheour, M. (2016). Affair Recovery (1st ed.). Zenith Miami Counseling and Coaching Center.
3. Peluso, P. R. (2007). Infidelity : A Practitioner’s Guide to Working with Couples in Crisis. New York: Routledge.
I agree that boundaries with the opposite sex are very important. These need to be agreed between the spouses. For example, one may be no eating out alone with a member of the opposite sex. No personal texts. No sharing of personal issues. No long car journeys alone together. No meetings at work behind closed doors. Etc etc.
Many people have no boundaries like this.
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post #70 of 326 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 10:12 PM
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Re: RT's Ultimate Affair Plan

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I agree that boundaries with the opposite sex are very important. These need to be agreed between the spouses. For example, one may be no eating out alone with a member of the opposite sex. No personal texts. No sharing of personal issues. No long car journeys alone together. No meetings at work behind closed doors. Etc etc.
Many people have no boundaries like this.
I am definately one of those persons without these type of boundaries in my marriage.

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post #71 of 326 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 10:53 PM
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Re: RT's Ultimate Affair Plan

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I am definately one of those persons without these type of boundaries in my marriage.
Maybe you and your wife could discuss it.
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post #72 of 326 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 12:29 AM
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Re: RT's Ultimate Affair Plan

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I suffered from severe depression for many years in the distant past, why is that an excuse?If you REALLY have depression you struggle to even cope day to day, the last thing you will be thinking about is cheating.
It's not an excuse but rather a mitigating, perhaps empathy inducing factor a betrayed spouse may consider when making a decision whether they should attempt to recover or not.

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I don't agree with you, there are people who would never cheat no matter what. Their honestly and moral values just wouldn't allow them to.
In the end its a choice, and while you may trust you wife, after an affair I couldn't. We are all different.
Yet, there are married old men and women having adulterous sex in nursing homes everywhere who maybe thought that they "would never cheat no matter what".

Hopefully you're never faced with the choice {to recover or not with a wayward husband} but since it's your second marriage, you haven't been married all that long and you have no children with your current husband I'd probably strongly and advise you to end it too and it really not the same decision I and most of the recovered betrayed spouses I've helped had to make.

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Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
I was betrayed by my first husband in a slightly different way, my husband was betrayed by his first wife, my dad had a long affair, both of my brothers wives cheated, so I for one am all too aware of the terrible effects it has, and that's why for me its something that I wouldnt accept or put up with and many marriages end because of it. I disagree that people who know its a deal killer for them will suddenly change their minds if it happens to them. I know far more marriages that ended because of adultery than didn't.
My husband knows how I feel about this. He hates cheating as well.
Are you reconciled with your father?

Maybe you are aware of more marriages that ended because of adultery because marriages that divorce as a result of infidelity are more likely to broadcast that fact whereas most marriages that recover from infidelity don't share their experience with everyone or as wide an audience???

My wife and I openly share our testimony with others and have been approached privately later by many couples sharing their private facts and circumstances of infidelity survival. It's really everywhere ~~ unfortunately and getting worse.

I wish I could say everything in one word. I hate all the things that can happen between the beginning of a sentence and the end. ~ Leonard Cohen
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post #73 of 326 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 01:23 AM
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Re: RT's Ultimate Affair Plan

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Maybe you and your wife could discuss it.
We have, but all those things suggest a lack of trust and we just aren't going down that path.

Omitting all of those activities would by no means prevent infidelity in any marriage.
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post #74 of 326 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 04:07 AM
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Re: RT's Ultimate Affair Plan

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It's not an excuse but rather a mitigating, perhaps empathy inducing factor a betrayed spouse may consider when making a decision whether they should attempt to recover or not.



Yet, there are married old men and women having adulterous sex in nursing homes everywhere who maybe thought that they "would never cheat no matter what".

Hopefully you're never faced with the choice {to recover or not with a wayward husband} but since it's your second marriage, you haven't been married all that long and you have no children with your current husband I'd probably strongly and advise you to end it too and it really not the same decision I and most of the recovered betrayed spouses I've helped had to make.



Are you reconciled with your father?

Maybe you are aware of more marriages that ended because of adultery because marriages that divorce as a result of infidelity are more likely to broadcast that fact whereas most marriages that recover from infidelity don't share their experience with everyone or as wide an audience???

My wife and I openly share our testimony with others and have been approached privately later by many couples sharing their private facts and circumstances of infidelity survival. It's really everywhere ~~ unfortunately and getting worse.
My father is dead now, but yes, I was never estranged from him. I didn't really find out the full details until after he died, although he did marry the OW after mum died(suicide). They went on to have a son as well.

I do know of some marriages where affairs happened and they stayed together, in the church you hear about things. People can be more open about such things(as you are) . You say its more common now, I wonder if fewer would do it if they know they would be serious consequences, and they would loose their spouse and deeply hurt their children? I am sure many would think that their spouse would have them back, and that lessens the risk. The thought of loosing my husband would be all the deterrent I would need, he is far too important to me to risk loosing.

We have been married for 12 years this year, so not that short. Even though our children are adults now, my children especially would be hurt as he is the only dad they have now, they never see their blood father, so just because the children are not young, they are still affected. However they would understand if they knew why.

However I married a man who wouldn't have it in him to cheat, and could in no way lie, I would know immediately if he was hiding something or something is troubling him, I always do. I doubt I would divorce him if he was to, because I would not marry again, but the trust would be gone and there would be no more sex, so probably no point in being together. Maybe a separation would happen, who knows.
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post #75 of 326 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 08:48 AM
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Re: RT's Ultimate Affair Plan

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Originally Posted by jld View Post
Polygamous societies might disagree with you . . .
Wouldn't matter what they did. Societies with polygamy as the foundation are far less developed and dependent on the inventiveness and industry of more advanced cultures.

If Saudi Arabia wasn't located on oil and convenient for political reasons, there development, by more advanced cultures, would not have come to pass.
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