The first MC my husband and I went to totally separated the cheating from the marriage, so you're not correct when you say that all counselors have the same views as you do.
The symptomatic nature of affairs is supported by the community of experts researching infidelity. I am presenting what has been proven to work, not what I think makes sense.
Counselors will have different views! They can disagree with what the research I have provided, but they must do so in a scientific manner. We will be looking at a lot of Dr. Baucom & Dr. Worthington's research as time progresses. The community references them a lot.
And the fact that most do have the same views as you doesn't mean a thing, except that they are all wrong.
You are disputing the established research that is presented to the psychological community, based on what?
If more counselors empowered BS's to take charge of things and not act like whipped little puppies who are scared to do anything for fear their spouse will do it again, I think more BS's would end up in a happy place and not stuck married to a serial cheater.
That is nothing I have ever seen be advised. Expert advice entails discovering what led to the affair so that the injuring/unfaithful partner corrects the character flaws that led to the series of actions.
"What made you go to lunch with your co-worker and complain about your husband? That is very risky behavior and violates the marital boundaries."
And the first thing that needs to happen is that the WS takes 100% full and total responsibility for what they did.
By saying that the state of the marriage contributed to them cheating, that doesn't happen.
I understand why you say this. I will work to add additional context for this particular concern.
If a counselor thinks they must do their due diligence and address the state of the marriage as well, then it should be done at a later time. Not right at first. And it has to be separated from the cheating, as it's own entity. NO one is perfect, so of course every BS has work to do on themselves. But to say that contributed to them being cheated on is crap.
My very next addition will address this concern. I can give a short answer now.
If I start to become disconnected in my relationship, then there can be the emotional impulse to seek connection elsewhere, or I may be receptive to the connection from a "predatory" female. I may be entirely unaware that I am susceptible to bonding with a female that shows interest in me (extra-dyadic). Being unaware, the connection to the predatory female may develop, meaning that a bond was formed, even if no clear intention existed before-hand. At this point it becomes rewarding (dopamine/feel-good hormones) to participate in the behavior. In this example, none of the blame is shouldered by the wife, not even the predatory female.
"But, why didn't you (in this example) just try to fix the primary (marital) relationship, then?"
"So, individuals are excused of cheating because they couldn't help it due to not being happy and seeking connection elsewhere?"
No. My relationship duties are to nurture the connection, enforce boundaries, but to also ensure that no bond is able to be formed with another woman. As sane boundaries are violated/unenforced, the risk for extra-marital behavior rises.
I don't care if you refuse to listen to me just because I refuse to spend inordinate amounts of time surfing the web just to come up with a bunch of links that support my view. Anyone can do that for any view they want to. I have better things to do thanks
I am asking individuals to provide sources for the information they provide. I have provided information from books and peer-reviewed research.
I did not start at my conclusion and support it with random sources. This thread is born out of Peluso's guide to infidelity. I am entirely interested in what the therapists and counselors are trained to do. That said, not all get specific training in infidelity. There will be differences in opinion, but we are all well-advised to look at the research published in scientific journals.
Please do contribute, Hope.