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post #16 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 09:44 AM
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Re: Need some help...

Until you have decided what consequences you can actually hold her too. Dont bother talking about it anymore.


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post #17 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 09:50 AM
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Re: Need some help...

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Originally Posted by sinjin View Post
I found out about 6 months ago my wife of almost 30 years had (what she swears is) a one time physical encounter with co-worker. I am mostly sure she is telling the truth and we have worked hard to get past what happened. We are both committed to saving our marriage. We are working the through the reasons why she did it and those sorts of things but I am having a tough time with a few things.
How did you find out about the encounter?

This is huge. If she told you because she felt bad about it, then you've got a fighting chance at saving this thing and you can be more somewhat confident that she's being honest with you about it being only one time, although as almost everyone else has said, it's RARELY a one time thing. An affair encounter is like a drug, for those who experience it, it's not something you can just sort of dip a toe into and say "ok that was fun no more of that!". No, it's usually a several time thing until and unless one or both parties gets a reality check in one way or another.

If you found out via a means other than her telling you herself, then she's a cheater, a liar, she cannot be trusted in the least and you cannot believe anything she tells you.
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post #18 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 10:25 AM
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Re: Need some help...

I too am sorry you are here...

There are only victims where we create them ourselves.

You sir, are no victim.

You may feel many things we all experience when this has happened to us in our lives either through a past marriage or current... hurt from betrayal and disappointment of what was unfathomable measures before this feels like it kicks our very soul of our path and breaks our trust for the moment until we realize that the most important trust is still there, the one we keep for ourselves.

Forgiveness is about letting go of the thing(s) that hurt you, about what we choose to do with and to what depth. Every forgiveness is different, there is no hard and fast to it and definitely no timeframe although the sooner we can reach a functioning calm the better we have the clarity we need for looking around us with proper focus.

As you realize, you cannot forgive with anger in the way. She was selfish beyond reason, human who made some seriously bad choices but damaged herself way before it overflowed to you. Only you can assess the remorse she gives you and if it is heartfelt, but accept that remorse at face value if you can but again, it will be pretty hard to do with anger in the way. Don't create an identity from the betrayal, this is not your story or how you look at yourself because then you are really stuck in a bad feeling with even more work to relieve yourself of her burden and regain your calm.

Images... these fuel your anger because you fill in every blank with a supposed assumption. It really does not matter if you were betrayed only a little or a lot with how she shared herself that way and broke your trust. Images are self-torture... a path through fire so to speak. If you want to know the details you have every right to ask. If she disagrees whether the sharing is helpful all you can do is let her know you disagree and she needs to share... you cannot force another but you can remind her that paths are either taken together or separate.... how does she choose to move forward?

Attainable boundaries... place them and mean them. These are for you, not her.

Your daily life is already impacted... time to begin directing it instead of allowing it to direct you.

Last edited by Emerging Buddhist; 01-26-2017 at 09:59 PM.
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post #19 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 12:02 PM
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Re: Need some help...

Sinjin

I am the type that needed to hear the details. My mind ran completely wild with what they did together. The way to stop this is to know the details, but I must warn you first. The fact she feels she shouldn't disclose the details is quite telling, there is way more then she's telling you. She will tell you it's humiliating, it will only hurt YOU more, she is protecting her affair. So what to do? The details are hard to hear, and every word she tells you, well you will recall them years from now with extreme clarity. I can remember my wife's words as she told me the details very well today.

There are several things you need to do now. If they are working together that must end. They will still communicate at work and you need to establish no contact whatsoever. If she must quit, oh well, loves her job, oh well. Next she needs to tell you the name of the OM. If she refuses you are done talking. If she tells you ask for his phone number. AFTER you get the phone number ask if he is married. If he is you call his wife, you need to expose this to his wife. One other thing, if she just confessed out of the blue you have a bigger problem. She most likely confessed because OMW found out. That means she's doing damage control and telling you first.

Next you need to take a day off work, don't tell your wife. You then surprise your wife at work with a dozen roses to take her out to lunch. Just before you leave, ask that OM join the both of you. This will make your wife have a panic attack along with OM. As you know they will both refuse to go, but if they do its a great time to ask OM questions to verify your wife's story. During this time you must tell your wife to remain silent and looking at the floor. No hidden signals this way. At the end you tell OM if he talks to your wife again you will tell the employer and the HR department.

Tell your wife she needs to get in IC immediately and start MC a month later. I would wait to make any decision to divorce or reconcile for at least six months. Your wife not telling you the details already proves she is not ready to reconcile.

I would get started with this first and then move on to other areas. Workplace affairs are very difficult to end and discover. So you will have your work cut out for you.

Don't believe everything you hear, and only half of what you see.


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post #20 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 04:14 PM
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Re: Need some help...

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Originally Posted by sinjin View Post
I found out about 6 months ago my wife of almost 30 years had (what she swears is) a one time physical encounter with co-worker. I am mostly sure she is telling the truth and we have worked hard to get past what happened.
Pfft.... yeah right.


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Any and all advice would be appreciated.
Step one is for her to stop lying.....

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #21 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 08:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need some help...

Thanks all for the great advice. I guess I should have been a little clearer in my original post. My wife told me 6 months ago about the A. We have spent the last 6 months sorting through a lot of the stuff you all have recommended. I have done a great deal of digging and think we have a handle on the truth part of it. I am still working on some parts of that (and always will be I am afraid) but I think we have settled most of those issues. We have had a lot of very pointed conversations and I am sure there will be more. She is doing/has done a lot of the things you all recommended. I have picked up a few more to use as well. I am not naive enough to think I don't need to keep an eye on things but my real concern now is me and how I am dealing with it. I feel like my inability to get a handle on my anger/forgiveness and the "movies" in my head are preventing us from moving any further forward. Not sure what to do next...
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post #22 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 08:58 PM
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Re: Need some help...

Quote:
Originally Posted by sinjin View Post
Hello all. First post after lurking for a while.

I found out about 6 months ago my wife of almost 30 years had (what she swears is) a one time physical encounter with co-worker. I am mostly sure she is telling the truth and we have worked hard to get past what happened. We are both committed to saving our marriage. We are working the through the reasons why she did it and those sorts of things but I am having a tough time with a few things.
So @sinjin, I'm going to make these assumptions based on what you've written: 1) That your D-Day was 6 months ago, but the affair itself was years ago (in other words, not relatively recent). 2) That from the time of the affair in the past to the present, your wife was faithful in action and heart. 3) That the two of you have mutually chosen to save your marriage. 4) That both of you--her and you--have done work to actually rebuild a new marriage. 5) That you are not asking us if there's more to it or if you should divorce--you've already worked through that to your satisfaction; you just want to address these three problems:

Quote:
1. I am having a really tough time forgiving her fully. What she did seems so selfish to me and I just can't quite bring myself to FULLY forgive. I am not sure how to get over that hump. I feel like I am angry all of the time and mostly manage to keep it in check but if I can't figure out a way to forgive her I won't be able get past this.
This is actually pretty typical--forgiving an affair is a pretty tall order! But my thought is that if you want to forgive there are two things that might help you. A) Study forgiveness. What is it? How do you do it? What does it mean? What is actually involved? I would recommend reading books about forgiveness, Googling "forgiveness" and just in general finding out all you can about the process of forgiving.

B) Forgiveness is a choice. Most people I know think they have not forgiven because they don't "FEEL LIKE" they've forgiven...or they don't "FEEL" forgiveness. But in real life, much like love, forgiveness is not a 'feeling' but an action--a CHOICE. Up to this point, you have been the one to whom recompense was due and she has been the one who owed the recompense to you. Forgiveness means making the DECISION to release your claim for requital.

Now I can't tell how YOU will forgive, but for me I made the decision to lay down my right to reprisal, but I did not really feel it much at all. I just released the right and then when the thought or feeling or temptation came to pick it back up, I reminded myself that I had chosen to put it down and would NOT pick it back up. At first, the temptation to pick it back up as my "ace in the hole" for an argument was enormous...and frequent! But as time passed, I felt that temptation less and less. As I controlled my mind and told myself "STOP IT" every time it popped in my head, I began to feel it.

Another thing I did to help visualize it and solidify it, for me, was that I wrote on a piece of paper everything I felt I was due because of the affair. I can honestly say I REALLY let it rip and was not kind or gentle on that page! I wrote every vengeful, hateful retribution I could think of on that paper to get it out of my system. Then I did a ceremony. I took the paper outside to my garden and burned the paper, to symbolize that it was gone forever by choice. And as the paper burned I set it in the garden to be fertilizer for flowers...so that beauty grew from my symbolic forgiveness. See what I mean? All that revenge was released and purposefully let go by burning, and by "letting it go" I made flowers grow...a great symbol.

So when I was tempted to pick up the right to recompense, I just talked back to myself: "STOP IT! You burned that right, remember? Remember the flames and the smoke rising up? Letting it go caused the flowers to be beautiful. You can not pick up and put the ashes back together. Let it go."

Quote:
2. I can't get the images of her with the OM out of my head. We have never discussed the act itself in any detail so my imagination runs wild. She has said she thought it would be easier to get past if we don't discuss the details. I am not so sure. Is it better to know the gory details or not?
You know what? No one can tell you this, because for some the gory details are damaging and hurtful--for others the gory details are like rooting out every inch of cancer. So for this one, I'm afraid you are going to have to decide for yourself and then live with the choice you made. We can't do your thinking for you, and I suspect if you did a "poll" it would be about 50-50! So this is pretty much the same as forgiveness--make a choice and then enjoy the benefit of the choice you made, and accept the cost of the choice you made. Whatever you decide is between YOU and your wife, and I'd say just decide and then stick with that decision.

Quote:
3. The last issue is that we live in a small town so there is no one for me to really talk to about this without word getting out and affecting our daily lives and hence our ability to possibly work through this. We move in the same basic circles and telling one person would be like telling a lot of people. So I am trying to deal with it on my own and that is really tough. I sometimes feel if I could just vent to someone I would be able to move forward. I need some way to release all of the pent up stuff I am carrying around. I guess that is why I came to TAM.
Well, I'm not sure it's "good news" but the good news is that here at TAM you'll find a group of folks who understand how you feel and where you're coming from because we've been there/done that. Some even got the t-shirt! (giggle) This may be a great place for you to just be able to say what you need to say and then move forward.

Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare.

The 180 * Coping With Infidelity Newbies--Please read this! * Weightlifter's Evidence Gathering Post for Newbies * The Man Up Nice Guy Reference
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post #23 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 10:05 PM
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Re: Need some help...

Quote:
Originally Posted by sinjin View Post
Thanks all for the great advice. I guess I should have been a little clearer in my original post. My wife told me 6 months ago about the A. We have spent the last 6 months sorting through a lot of the stuff you all have recommended. I have done a great deal of digging and think we have a handle on the truth part of it. I am still working on some parts of that (and always will be I am afraid) but I think we have settled most of those issues. We have had a lot of very pointed conversations and I am sure there will be more. She is doing/has done a lot of the things you all recommended. I have picked up a few more to use as well. I am not naive enough to think I don't need to keep an eye on things but my real concern now is me and how I am dealing with it. I feel like my inability to get a handle on my anger/forgiveness and the "movies" in my head are preventing us from moving any further forward. Not sure what to do next...
So is she still working w/ the guy or what?

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post #24 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 10:15 PM
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Re: Need some help...

How long ago did her infidelity happen?
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post #25 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 11:09 PM
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Re: Need some help...

What is your wife's take on this. If she is completely repentant why did you need to do some digging? How did you find out?

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post #26 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 11:17 PM
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Re: Need some help...

Quote:
Originally Posted by sinjin View Post
Hello all. First post after lurking for a while.

I found out about 6 months ago my wife of almost 30 years had (what she swears is) a one time physical encounter with co-worker. I am mostly sure she is telling the truth and we have worked hard to get past what happened. We are both committed to saving our marriage. We are working the through the reasons why she did it and those sorts of things but I am having a tough time with a few things.

My problems are:

1. I am having a really tough time forgiving her fully. What she did seems so selfish to me and I just can't quite bring myself to FULLY forgive. I am not sure how to get over that hump. I feel like I am angry all of the time and mostly manage to keep it in check but if I can't figure out a way to forgive her I won't be able get past this.

2. I can't get the images of her with the OM out of my head. We have never discussed the act itself in any detail so my imagination runs wild. She has said she thought it would be easier to get past if we don't discuss the details. I am not so sure. Is it better to know the gory details or not?

3. The last issue is that we live in a small town so there is no one for me to really talk to about this without word getting out and affecting our daily lives and hence our ability to possibly work through this. We move in the same basic circles and telling one person would be like telling a lot of people. So I am trying to deal with it on my own and that is really tough. I sometimes feel if I could just vent to someone I would be able to move forward. I need some way to release all of the pent up stuff I am carrying around. I guess that is why I came to TAM.

I am not convinced we can get past this if I can't figure out how to deal with it. What have others done? Any and all advice would be appreciated.

Thanks.
1. It seems selfish because it was selfish, plan and simple selfish.

2. At this point it's not helping you to not know, so you might as well know. Maybe it's not as bad as you thought. Make not mistake she is protecting herself as much as you. The images may go away with time, or they may not. That is just the way it is.

3. I hope she hasn't made this demand on you, it's also selfish. I get not telling the whole world but you need to tell some close friends.

So far you have not painted a picture of a very remorseful spouse. She sounds like she just wants you to rug-sweep. Having read lots of threads, and I am sure you have too, how do you even know you have the full truth yet.

What has she done to make herself safer, what is her penance so to speak.
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post #27 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 11:19 PM
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Re: Need some help...

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Originally Posted by lordmayhem View Post
Well folks, how many times have read read this? Straight out of the cheaters handbook in Chapter 1 - Trickle Truth



And this is usually straight out of the BS handbook, Chapter 1 - Denial and Rug Sweeping.

sinjin, you're about to get good advice, and you would do well to heed it. Some of it is going to be brutal you need to be strong.
Every single day. Day after day. It's hard to take. There is about 3 posts in the last day that I could just copy and paste my answers to.
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post #28 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 01:11 AM
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Re: Need some help...

Quote:
Originally Posted by sinjin View Post
Thanks all for the great advice. I guess I should have been a little clearer in my original post. My wife told me 6 months ago about the A. We have spent the last 6 months sorting through a lot of the stuff you all have recommended. I have done a great deal of digging and think we have a handle on the truth part of it. I am still working on some parts of that (and always will be I am afraid) but I think we have settled most of those issues. We have had a lot of very pointed conversations and I am sure there will be more. She is doing/has done a lot of the things you all recommended. I have picked up a few more to use as well. I am not naive enough to think I don't need to keep an eye on things but my real concern now is me and how I am dealing with it. I feel like my inability to get a handle on my anger/forgiveness and the "movies" in my head are preventing us from moving any further forward. Not sure what to do next...
OP,
First realization you must accept is that right now there is no "next". For you, at this time, there is only now. In order for you to reach a place where you can carefully calculate your "next" move you must have some fixed points of thought. Currently your mind has only variables. Your mind cannot formulate a "next" until you have a foundation on which to build. "Next" requires ordered, rational thought and right now you only have chaos in your mind.

It is really up to your WW what you do "next" much more so than you because until you know, with some certainty, that she is absolutely committed to this M then any "next" you do will be based on supposition. Therefore do not concern yourself so much with what you should do "next" but rather have patience and allow yourself time to sort out the chaos in your mind. If she is intent on saving the M, she will help you do this with unwavering determination.

As she does the things necessary to bring order to your thoughts you will begin to see a path forward. Likewise, if she does not, then that path too will become clearer. Understand that six months is not necessarily enough time to digest such a life altering event. I have heard numbers such as 2-5 years for true R. You are at the beginning of your difficult journey so allow yourself the necessary time to make a calm, reasoned and careful decision about what comes "next".

Peace and long life
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post #29 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 04:12 AM
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Re: Need some help...

@sinjin It will be tough but you can get through this.

Eventually it does get better.

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http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
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post #30 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 10:06 AM
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Re: Need some help...

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Originally Posted by sinjin View Post
I feel like my inability to get a handle on my anger/forgiveness and the "movies" in my head are preventing us from moving any further forward. Not sure what to do next...
Lets drill down on the "mind movies". What are they and how do they come about? If you put them in their simplest form, its you thinking about another man enjoying her "attributes" while giving her pleasure. While only you should be enjoying and pleasing her in this manner, nature trumps the belief that only you can do it. There are many, many men that can enjoy and please your wife and you, me, and every other guy may as well accept that. It's like my granddaddy use to say, "boy, if you ever think youre the only one with a mule capable of plowing that field, you ain't doin nothing but fooling yourself."
If you remove the cheating factor and the lack of loyalty she displayed , and boil it all down to just the pleasure derived from sex with another, ( you know, "I can stand it to think about her doing the deed with another man") its really not a hell of a lot different than guys with wives and girlfriends who a had previous relationships. I guess if I desired, I could play mind movies and ring my hands over what my wife and her previous boyfriends or ex-husband got out of having sex with each other, with imaginary close up of their genitalia in action and pretend its some kind of magic going on, I could . It ain't. If you just become exclusive with a chick who you had begun dating in a more or less casual relationship would you have mind movies about some cat she may have slept with just before or just after your first casual date?

If you don't embody controversy, what you say will become just another part of the media driven culture of stifling thought and debate about issues.
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