Need some help... - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #1 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 11:17 PM Thread Starter
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Need some help...

Hello all. First post after lurking for a while.

I found out about 6 months ago my wife of almost 30 years had (what she swears is) a one time physical encounter with co-worker. I am mostly sure she is telling the truth and we have worked hard to get past what happened. We are both committed to saving our marriage. We are working the through the reasons why she did it and those sorts of things but I am having a tough time with a few things.

My problems are:

1. I am having a really tough time forgiving her fully. What she did seems so selfish to me and I just can't quite bring myself to FULLY forgive. I am not sure how to get over that hump. I feel like I am angry all of the time and mostly manage to keep it in check but if I can't figure out a way to forgive her I won't be able get past this.

2. I can't get the images of her with the OM out of my head. We have never discussed the act itself in any detail so my imagination runs wild. She has said she thought it would be easier to get past if we don't discuss the details. I am not so sure. Is it better to know the gory details or not?

3. The last issue is that we live in a small town so there is no one for me to really talk to about this without word getting out and affecting our daily lives and hence our ability to possibly work through this. We move in the same basic circles and telling one person would be like telling a lot of people. So I am trying to deal with it on my own and that is really tough. I sometimes feel if I could just vent to someone I would be able to move forward. I need some way to release all of the pent up stuff I am carrying around. I guess that is why I came to TAM.

I am not convinced we can get past this if I can't figure out how to deal with it. What have others done? Any and all advice would be appreciated.

Thanks.

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post #2 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 11:30 PM
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Re: Need some help...

I assure you it was more than 1 time. How did you find out? Did she feel so guilty she just had to confess? Don't let her dictate the terms of reconciliation.
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post #3 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 11:47 PM
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Cool Re: Need some help...

First off, to the BS(betrayed spouse), the discovery of infidelity and spousal betrayal is always quite a blow to ones sense of self worth as well as their ego! Being a blindsided victim of this scourge is understandably difficult to endure as well as to ultimately have to cope with!

The visions that you now imagine are referred to as "mind movies," and can last an eternity, contingent on how you come to handle the situation!

Please read Dr. Robert Glovers No More Mr. Nice Guy!

Inasfar as the trust issues go, you should demand unfettered access to your W's cell phone and social medias passwords, in order to find out the extent of her "coming clean" with you! If you reach an impasse with her over this, then you need to fully execute "the 180" on her!

Sorry to see you here at TAM, but it is, IMHO, preeminently the best marriage forum in the world in which to air your problem and at the same time get solid worthwhile advise!

Best of luck to you, my friend!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html

Last edited by arbitrator; 01-27-2017 at 07:20 AM. Reason: Edification
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post #4 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 11:53 PM
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Re: Need some help...

I've never been a fan of "having to know the details". You pretty well know the "mechanics" of it and its more than likely she did at least as much with this cat as she's done with you. Besides, if she does tell you the details, its virtually impossible to know if youre hearing it the way it actually went down and at best its her perspective. While not completely agreeing with Thound, its rare that women who step out on their husbands limits it to a single event When a woman cheats, my position is her romantic interest has waned, she thought hard about it before crossing that line, and if she's going break her vow of loyalty, she's going to try and get her money's worth.
Based on your concerns, you've got a lot more bird dogging to do before you decide what direction to take.

If you don't embody controversy, what you say will become just another part of the media driven culture of stifling thought and debate about issues.
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post #5 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 12:19 AM
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Re: Need some help...

OP she's lying it's been more than one time... she's Tickle Truth you. meaning she's only going to tell you the bear minimum she's really afraid that you finding out the whole truth especially all the messages her and her lover sent back-and-forth. She thinks that if you know everything you will definitely leave her. and that you will end the marriage. She wants to rugs weep it and hopefully it will go away, and that she gets to cake eat. meaning she gets to have an affair and not ending your marriage. Kind of selfish right.?

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post #6 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 12:46 AM
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Re: Need some help...

She's almost certainly lying about something; a wayward not wanting to discuss details is usually a sign of additional lies.

Is she still working w/ OM?

Is he married? If so, has the affair been exposed to his wife?

You say you found out six months ago -- how long ago (as far as you're aware, anyway) was the affair?

And how did you find out?

Has she committed to no contact w/ OM?

Has she committed to transparency going forward?

Please know that I'm not asking these questions out of morbid curiosity -- there is a reason for each question.

While you're here, read through @LostCPA's threads.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #7 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 12:54 AM
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Re: Need some help...

Quote:
Originally Posted by sinjin View Post
had (what she swears is) a one time physical encounter with co-worker.
Well folks, how many times have read read this? Straight out of the cheaters handbook in Chapter 1 - Trickle Truth

Quote:
Originally Posted by sinjin View Post
I am mostly sure she is telling the truth and we have worked hard to get past what happened.
And this is usually straight out of the BS handbook, Chapter 1 - Denial and Rug Sweeping.

sinjin, you're about to get good advice, and you would do well to heed it. Some of it is going to be brutal you need to be strong.
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post #8 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 04:14 AM
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Re: Need some help...

Some more background information might help. Your ages, family size, when did the affair occur in the marriage?? Did she confess or was she caught?? What consequences has she faced? What reasons did she give for cheating in the first place? Is the guy she cheated with married or in a relationship? If so does the partner know? What has she done to help you get over this? What has she done to assure you this won't happen again??? etc.


More information makes it easier for us to help you.

Oh and I agree with the others. I doubt you got the full truth.

"The one who is most willing to walk away from the relationship, is the one who controls the relationship."
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post #9 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 05:17 AM
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Re: Need some help...

Some great questions and advice already so I'll just tackle number two.

Knowing details varies from case to case weather it helps or not.

Some people need to know everything to be able to move forward in a healthy way.

For others, knowing only the basics is enough.

You have to decide and it is up to you.

Your wife doesn't get to dictate to you the level of information you require to heal from the damage she has inflicted.

How has your communication been in your marriage?

She has massively damaged your communication because of her betrayal and lies.

That is essential to restoring and helps with restoring trust as well.

It sounds like you both need to have a sit down and talk this out.

Sometimes having the cheater write down an account of events, leading up to the affair, during it and after with a timeline is extremely helpful.

That way you can question her about any of it as you have need to know.

Your questions shouldn't be all the time but at certain convenient times for specifically talking about the affair.

She needs to read up on how to help you heal.

She caused the fvcking damage so she better get her ass in gear to move heaven and earth to start repairing it.

It has already been alluded to but if she still works with the asshat, that is bad news.

This is probably going to be one of those situations where you desperately need her income and it being a small community, she doesn't have other job opportunities but I'm telling you now that you have a tough enough road ahead without her seeing him everyday.

Part of healthy reconciliation is for the cheater to go "No Contact" with their fvckbuddy.

Trying to reconcile without no contact is like trying to eat a porcupine with the quills.

She needs to do everything in her power to stop doing damage to you and your marriage and having contact with the fvckwad is continuing to erode your marriage and harm your emotions.

Keep posting. You are on a long road no matter what occurs in time.
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post #10 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 05:43 AM
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Re: Need some help...

OP,
There are some basic issues that need to be addressed before any R can be successful. If your wife confessed and terminated the A on her own that is usually a good sign for it demonstrates her awareness of her misdeed and the desire to self correct. If she was discovered then that is problematic. Also, for any R to be fruitful, the WS has to be totally contrite and deeply remorseful. It is not a good sign for her to tell you that "she" feels it would be better for you not to know the details. She should be saying "tell me what you need to know to heal, anything, I will tell you". She appears to be wanting/needing to not fully disclose.

The mind movies do diminish with time however it may benefit you to know more details since you indicate that your mind is making up the script. Some of those movies may be fiction and that can be more damaging than the truth. If she did not confess and was discovered then you must ascertain whether or not she really wanted to stop the A or was forced to. If the latter, then your efforts to R will prove futile. She has to want the marriage to continue at any cost, including her "comfort", for R to work. If she is not willing to completely severe ties to the AP then you cannot R.

Lastly, R is very hard work and requires a level of dedication that was not present in the marriage pre-affair, lest you would not be here now. Both of you must be all in and completely determined to save the marriage or the effort will not succeed. There is no such thing as a half hearted successful R. I would caution you to not let your desire to keep your marriage cloud your perception of reality. If your W behaves contrary to any of the above then your chances of R are non existent because that means that you will have to accommodate her in order to move forward and that will not work long term, especially if/when she cheats again.

Good fortune in your efforts.


Peace and long life
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post #11 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 05:54 AM
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Re: Need some help...

Why is she making the rules here, as the victim here you get to set the questions and expectation and if she can not agree to them then you give her, her walking papers....first is this co worker married? ...and have you notified the other OM wife? And yes she should know? Did you both get tested....will she take a polygraph ? And yes you don't trust her....and tell it to her face
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post #12 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 07:48 AM
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Re: Need some help...

Quote:
Originally Posted by sinjin View Post

I found out about 6 months ago my wife of almost 30 years had (what she swears is) a one time physical encounter with co-worker. I am mostly sure she is telling the truth and we have worked hard to get past what happened...

My problems are:
Highly doubtful on the one-time.

Your problem? What you really want to know is... How deep is the rabbit hole.

Here's the basic problem with R. The cheater (only when caught) is remorseful and wants to "repair" the marriage, but is shameful and scared to tell the whole truth. Yeah, they can rationalize some "good" reason but in the end it's just more lies.

Hmmm... just more lies and lying about the affair is just more cheating?

When caught, my WW did the "one-time" confession. Looked me straight in the eye, tears streaming, hand on the bible (honestly), and lied. Lies had become her natural response. She had been practicing for years.

Regarding an affair... There's always more.

I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living or get busy dying... Andy, Shawshank Redemption.

Last edited by RWB; 01-26-2017 at 08:00 AM.
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post #13 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 08:15 AM
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Re: Need some help...

As others have told you, she's likely lying to you about the extent of the affair. There might have been many more meetings than the one she told you about. There might have been passionate confessions of undying love. She might have denigrated you unfairly to her AP (affair partner). She might have done sexual things for him that she historically refused to do with you. You need to also consider the possibility that the affair might still be going on. If you want to monitor her activities better, we can provide suggestions.

If the affair has indeed ended (hopefully it has), sweeping the whole thing under the rug is not an effective way of dealing with it. There are hundreds of stories in here of people who've tried this. It never works. The marriage ends up in zombie mode for years, with the unaddressed affair simmering under the surface, until finally the BS (betrayed spouse) wakes up one day and realizes that he's still just as hurt and angry as day one, and has really not forgiven. Some BS's need to know all the details and I suspect that you're one of those. In order to really forgive someone, you need to know what you're forgiving.
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post #14 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 08:58 AM
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Re: Need some help...

"There might have been passionate confessions of undying love. She might have denigrated you unfairly to her AP (affair partner). She might have done sexual things for him that she historically refused to do with you. You need to also consider the possibility that the affair might still be going on"



Tatsu, it seems to me its pretty unlikely she going to confess to that degree.

If you don't embody controversy, what you say will become just another part of the media driven culture of stifling thought and debate about issues.
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post #15 of 51 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 09:07 AM
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Re: Need some help...

Quote:
Originally Posted by VladDracul View Post
"There might have been passionate confessions of undying love. She might have denigrated you unfairly to her AP (affair partner). She might have done sexual things for him that she historically refused to do with you. You need to also consider the possibility that the affair might still be going on"



Tatsu, it seems to me its pretty unlikely she going to confess to that degree.
I doubt he was talking about getting a confessions though honesty is the only policy that works for marriage and is essential for reconciliation.

I believe he was talking about digging /spying but I could be wrong.
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