What's going on? - Page 10 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #136 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-11-2017, 11:03 AM
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Re: What's going on?

Remind him that he's not trustworthy because of all the lies he's told in the past. Tell him this is his one big chance to come clean. Tell him you've accepted the fact that he's been with other women and that you think it's not a dealbreaker for you so long as he's honest. This last part may or may not be true, but in this situation I believe you have the right to lie to him to get to the truth. Tell him that you'd just like the details about how many there were, how many times, and whether he used protection.

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post #137 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 04:45 AM Thread Starter
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He really quit his job.

He texted me last night that he is flying home today and his brother is picking him.

He reached a few hrs ago. I wasn't prepared for this. He walked in and hugged me tight which has not happened for sometimes. I did not react. The kids screamed in joy. His brother left shortly. He said he is back for good and is going to look for job here. I just listened with occasional eye contact. He seemed happy and confident of not sure what. I asked him to give me some time to move my stuff into the spare room but he said "oh, in that case I will stay in that room till you will let me in our room". I said thanks moved on to make dinner. He has ubrought back quiet a few bags and was unpacking everything in that room. Used the common bathroom which the kids use and stayed with kids. He just left the house. This is really hard, Seeing him has caused more pain and anger, I just feel like he needs to suffer. Call me evil that's how I feel. But I'm not acting on that. I'm going to quickly get the kids in bed and lock myself in my room.
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post #138 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 05:52 AM
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Re: What's going on?

After your confession to mil and his brother ,I believe his brother told him that things are suriuse and
If he wants to save this he needs to come back home asap.
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post #139 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 06:53 AM
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Re: What's going on?

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Originally Posted by Kukabura View Post
He says he will not be able to live without us and is willing to do anything. He says I need to understand that my anger issues after the second child pushed him away. Throughout the mail he mentions he takes full responsibility for what has happened.

He ended the it with "I'm tendering resignation with immediate effect.

I m so confused. I don't know if I should believe him. I did not reply. I need details but still I don't know if the pain I feel will ever go away. It's more painful today than ever
I still hear alot of blame shifting and gas lighting going on. Blaming your anger, your post partum, etc what about his awful behaviour in Asia. Be very careful how you proceed. I would not reply, take time to think about what you saw in the emails, the photos the messages, etc, he is trying to make it seem like you are the problem. He is back home now in the hopes you will just forget it all and move on, don't, you need to know the full truth of what happened and if he cheated on you, your gut is the best clue you have.

You both still need STD tests, make sure he knows that is what you are doing. A lie detector is in order and if you still want him in your life MC.

Did you have problems with anger, depression etc. What did he do to help you?

You are only hearing a very sanitized version of events, I wouldn't believe him, he has shown you what he is capable of, the hurt and pain you have felt is real, what is to stop him doing this again?

Still go see the lawyer, your WH needs a major come to Jesus moment. Do not engage or commit, show him you are unwilling to engage with him until you are satisfied he has told your everything. Do the 180, emotionally detach for now, get papers drawn up.
Show him you mean business and will never be treated so badly ever again. Coming home is a move in the right direction but maybe an attempt by him to rug sweep and move on, he knew that you would probably move on without him. Don't let him back into your life so easily.

Tbh, Kukabura, if nothing had happened in the Asian country, he wouldn't be pulling out all the stops, he would have sat you down and been honest as he would have nothing to hide, both of you know that he has cheated on you, his behaviour and reaction is showing it all. He was like a deer caught in the headlights in Asia when you found the mails, he didn't know what to do, damned if he said something, damned if he didn't. He is guilty, no doubt about it.

In moving forward with or without him, you need the full truth, otherwise it will eat you up and your marriage is doomed anyhow. He needs to know this.

Last edited by aine; 02-12-2017 at 07:03 AM.
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post #140 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 07:28 AM
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Re: What's going on?

Honesty and humility are required.

I see hints of humility, now. That is progress. But remember, without honesty, you still don't have a real reconciliation.

The full truth or no deal.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #141 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 09:08 AM
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Re: What's going on?

Sounds like he's fully-committed to rugsweeping. You're not supposed to talk about it anymore. He's shown he's sorry by quitting, coming home, and offering to sleep in the other room. When the whole thing has been adequately swept under the rug, you're supposed to invite him back into the bedroom, and never mention it again.

Your desire to see him break down and cry is completely normal and understandable. That will be the beginnings of real remorse. You should do whatever is necessary to get him there. This should be followed by an honest, full confession on his part.
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post #142 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 02:32 PM Thread Starter
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Thank you all for the guidance, it's really helpful in keeping me in control.

We had a sleepless night. He came home after the kids were asleep and asked me to sit down to talk, I was really not in a mood and told him there is nothing to talk, he then asked how can he fix this if I'm not willing to work it out. I told him nothing other than complete history and truth is going to help me and that I know he is not capable of that. I told him I want a D and I will not stop him from seeing the kids etc but I don't want to be his wife anymore. I told him I have seen a lawyer and asked him what he would like to do with the house (he has paid 90% and I only 10%). He said he doesn't want anything but his family, he said if that's what I want I can keep the house for the children and he will move out. He said if I go through official D he may kill himself as he can't live like that. I did not say all these to scare him I just don't feel like working through this.
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post #143 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 02:39 PM Thread Starter
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I left him sitting and went for a shower. When I came out after an hour he was still sitting there with his hands on his head. I can't tell if he was angry or sad. He said ok sit down I will tell you.

He started from his childhood which is not what I wanted. He told me things that I do not know, the physical and emotional abuse he went through as a boy. He seemed like he was in a pity party. He moved on to meeting me and and then everything as I know till he started travelling for work. He admitted that he has hidden a lot from me for the past 2 years.
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post #144 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 02:40 PM Thread Starter
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I need to attend to kids now will post the rest later
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post #145 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 03:19 PM
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Re: What's going on?

The suicide threat must be taken seriously, no matter how much it may appear to be emotional blackmail.

If he EVER threatens suicide, call 911 or the equivalent.


"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #146 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 04:05 PM
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Re: What's going on?

I would consider his threat just manipulation at this point. Lying didn't work, hostility didn't work, so now he's on to more advanced tactics. I do believe that his family means very much to him in his compartmentalized life. However, if he believed that the loss of his family was going to result in his suicide, he wouldn't have <i>even risked</i> fooling around with the corporate concubines. Nobody would play Russian roulette just for an opportunity to have sex. He figured he'd get away with it and even if you found out, things could be somehow smoothed over.

You are not responsible for the things that happened in his childhood. He represented himself to you as a grown, responsible man, capable of honoring a marriage commitment. It's time for him to man up and fess up about the things he's been hiding for the past two years, and take full responsibility for those things.
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post #147 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 06:47 PM
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Re: What's going on?

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Originally Posted by Kukabura View Post
I left him sitting and went for a shower. When I came out after an hour he was still sitting there with his hands on his head. I can't tell if he was angry or sad. He said ok sit down I will tell you.

He started from his childhood which is not what I wanted. He told me things that I do not know, the physical and emotional abuse he went through as a boy. He seemed like he was in a pity party. He moved on to meeting me and and then everything as I know till he started travelling for work. He admitted that he has hidden a lot from me for the past 2 years.
K, this is dejavu for me, my WH pulled the same stunt, childhood abuse (which was true), reason for him being weak, blah blah blah. While I wouldn't discount the effect of that on anyone, that is no excuse to treat the person who is supposed to be your other half like ****.
If he really wants to use that as an excuse he needs to show he is committed to becoming a better man and must go to counselling (mine did and its changing him for the better, he is also an alcoholic, which he's working on too). There is no other way. Your WH cannot dump all of that on you and expect to sweep it under the carpet.

In no way is this your fault, and to use manipulation and attempt to garner pity (traits of a narcissist) shows little regard for the pain he has caused you and indirectly his children.

If you look at it objectively, it is still all about him and his pain, and his past and his troubles.....nothing about you. It may well be that he will never be able to empathize or feel your pain, sometimes they are not capable of it. You may have been the stronger one emotionally but when you became weak (after having kids, post partum depression etc) he took that as being a slight on him rather than being the man he should have been (that was my experience, I went into depression after my last move and he abandoned me emotionally).

You have to settle your emotions first and think about the consequences of a divorce on you all. You also have to consider the other side, will you ever get want you really want from this man, is he capable of loving you the way you want to be loved. If you want to give him that chance, he has to get counselling, work through his issues, then couples counselling.
You may want to run now, sometimes it is the easier thing to do but I would say you shouldn't make life changing decisions at this point in time, but stay the course for now. You are doing well.
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post #148 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 07:57 PM
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Re: What's going on?

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Unbelievable, he replied. He had answered each one of my question.

First he apologizes for the way I feel. He says he doesn't know what do do and how to solve this. He says he is ashamed but maintains he has not cheated on me emotionally or physically.

His reason for behaving badly after I joined him is something I did not expect. He says I treated him poorly after our second child. I kept blaming him for everything that went wrong from the decision join him to getting maids ( I was very frustrated that he did not prepare the maids before we arrived and I had to ferry around the third world to get maids). He says he wanted to share with me about his colleagues but he decided not to after he noticed I can't deal with his best friends affair. He basically felt like I had post partum after our second and that I was the one who changed not him. But for the first time he says he takes the blame for everything because he could have dealt with it all differently but he did not. He says he has been too egoistic.

Regarding the office pictures, he acknowledges that there are lots of things he has not told me but keeps assuring that he did not do anything to cheat me. There are some parties he has to attend as they were organised by his bosses. He says he usually just stays around for a while and leaves. He says having a affair and cheating does not take more than a minute of temptation here but he says he knows the reason taking up this job. He says during Christmas he has told his boss to post him back home as he does not like it here.

I had to continue in my next post


You're not actually BUYING this drivel, are you? Notice the only thing HE did wrong was 'have an ego.' And all the issues are YOUR fault.

You are being gaslighted. Look it up - gaslighting.
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post #149 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 08:03 PM
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Re: What's going on?

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I left him sitting and went for a shower. When I came out after an hour he was still sitting there with his hands on his head. I can't tell if he was angry or sad. He said ok sit down I will tell you.

He started from his childhood which is not what I wanted. He told me things that I do not know, the physical and emotional abuse he went through as a boy. He seemed like he was in a pity party. He moved on to meeting me and and then everything as I know till he started travelling for work. He admitted that he has hidden a lot from me for the past 2 years.
I wish you'd had a camera on him while you left. I'd bet MONEY that he wasn't sitting there the whole time you were gone, that when he heard the shower stop, he ran back to his seat, put his hands on his head, and prepared his ACT.

He still hasn't admitted anything. Remember that. You had proof, didn't you?
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post #150 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 09:14 PM Thread Starter
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Well I'm feeling too tired to post full details but here are the things he had told me last night and said there is nothing more I don't know.

He had been going out for dinner and drinks with colleagues male and female after work 2 to 3 times a week. I have previously asked him if he does these as this place is famous for eating and drinking in groups. He had said not in groups only with close friend.

He had lend money to a female colleague as she claimed her mother was sick and it was not just him but a few other expats. He says he knew she may be lying but I just gave it anyway.

He had been to the company parties where colleagues drink and pick up girls from work and outside work to the hotel rooms after the party. He swears he stays for one drink and leaves soon before things get dirty. He had avoided some parties if his boss isn't joining.

One of the party was a nude party with some hired girls all walking and serving them in nude. He said he was tricked into going and that he left soon he saw the nude girls. He says he may have stayed for about 15 mins. He said he heard about the full party story the next day. That's when he told the boss he would like to move back.

He had had female colleague trying to hug him, trying to seduce him to have an affair but he says he told her he is not interested. She kept sending emails that portrays wives as ugly.

80% of expats living without family is having affair. Some of them having serious family problem and others in the process of D

He says he has not touched any of these women.

I asked about his email on asking for nude pics and he showed me the email a random girl sent him asking if she can be his girl friend and he suspected its one of the female colleague so asked for nude pics to see if it's her. He says he did not hear anything back.

He has not deleted the mails I saw. He showed them again and it was all sent by others to him and to other male colleagues. He has not replied. He showed me an email that he had forwarded to his boss saying "look what everyone is doing on the company email" and the boss jokes about it.

I need a break to type the rest. Loads of ****
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