What's going on? - Page 19 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

User Tag List

 363Likes
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #271 of 304 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 04:46 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 124
I do understand the consequences of R. But throwing away a 10 years of marriage and H who I still love is hard. Bringing another man in my children's life at their tenter age is out of my confort zone. Even if I eventually find a great guy one day, will he be great with my children? No one is perfect, what imperfection will that person bring into our relationship? Instead of finding and starting over from scratch with some one else why can't I start new with my H? I don't know if I can bear to see H with someone else if we move on?

These are all questions running through my mind. I don't feel like being with him at this point but I may be ready to work this out at some point. I feel like he needs consequences. How can I make him face the consequences.

Is there anyone here who has successfully R? Anyone thinks I can R? Please do share your views.

These are all

Kukabura is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #272 of 304 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 07:15 AM
Member
 
Satya's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,185
Re: What's going on?

@Kukabura, there are many posters here that successfully reconciled. I think you will find the common feedback is that it is hard, hard work and the marriage has to have a complete reset and start over. Your H has to be completely remorseful, and you would need to stay open minded about the possibility or R failing, and always have a backup plan at the ready.

I'm sure others with better experience can advise further.

I'd just offer, that when you talk about not wanting to "throw away" 10+ years of marriage, think about what your H had decided to throw away without a second thought toward you or the marriage. He didn't do this just one time, but may times.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
Satya is offline  
post #273 of 304 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 07:51 AM
Moderator
 
farsidejunky's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 7,356
Re: What's going on?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kukabura View Post
He sent me a long email on the timeline of what happened and why. He says the women there are desperate to sleep with the expat guys and will never stop hitting on them every chance they get. He says he had made it clear from the beginning that he has a family and is not interested in affairs and sex. But some of the female colleagues never stopped trying.

He says the hugging was done by 2 different women while he was in their office. They had stopped once they managed to trap another expat. He acknowledges that he could have been firmer with them and have told them off. He says the happy ending was an extra service the lady asked after the massage and he just went with it. He says he felt disgusted after that and couldn't face me.

He ends by saying that's all of it and there is nothing more. If I still decide to D he will sign wherever I want to but will always be waiting for me.
So he was the victim in all of this?

Do you really buy that?

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
farsidejunky is online now  
 
post #274 of 304 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 08:42 AM
Forum Supporter
 
Tron's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,890
Re: What's going on?

Dday 12 years ago and so far, successfully reconciled.

Your question about consequences...if he follows the suggestions above, he will feel the consequences every day in lack of trust, dealing with triggers, etc. It isn't easy and it takes a lot of patience and empathy.

Based upon his responses I wouldn't write him off, but he just isn't quite ready yet.
Tron is offline  
post #275 of 304 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 03:46 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 124
I feel like I really need to know everything before I can make my decision.

I can all his ex colleagues who worked with him the local females and the expat males my hubby mentioned. I can't believe I even saw some expats (who are married with kids) have posted their intimacy with their AP on their FB.

Will messaging someone from the list help in anyway. Any tricks I can play? I feel like I'm going crazy now
Kukabura is offline  
post #276 of 304 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 04:10 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 124
I'm thinking like bashing one of his expat mates and telling him how disgusting of him to cheat on his wife and children and say that I'm proud of my H. Will this make him reveal my H secrets if any?

I'm really over the edge after seeing some of their profiles. So shameless. H used to tell me the girls body looks ok but they are stinky pig faced *****es. And his mates AP looks just like an ugly pig.

What's wrong with me? I have fixed IC need to wait 2 weeks.
Kukabura is offline  
post #277 of 304 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 04:37 AM
Member
 
Satya's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,185
Re: What's going on?

They probably won't care if you shame them and they'll put you down as a crazy, angry woman most likely.

Shameless people are their own unique, heartless brand.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
Satya is offline  
post #278 of 304 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 06:12 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 229
Re: What's going on?

You are certainly not crazy for wanting to know everything. That's how most other betrayed spouses feel. But I don't think you'll be able to get anything out of his friends. Another polygraph might give you more closure. If he balks at it, then it's time for divorce. In fact, if he balks at anything you ask for, it's time for divorce, now that he's revealed himself to be a three-time liar (I'm starting to lose count).

A lot of men don't care about a woman's face. All they see is a nice body on a woman who is very willing and sexual in a way that their wife might not be. But they don't see these women as anything but throwaway sex toys. And the women like this in SE Asia are often working multiple men at the same time, asking for gifts of money, professing their "love", lying about their own faithfulness, etc.

Once you know everything--and I think you are approaching that point--you can begin to heal. But this will be a long process. If his transgressions stayed within limits that you can come to terms with, and if he shows sufficient remorse, I think you will get past this in a couple years. You can have a healthy marriage again. It's been done before. But you will never fully trust him again, and he should be made to understand this up front.
Tatsuhiko is online now  
post #279 of 304 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 12:05 PM
Forum Supporter
 
Tron's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,890
Re: What's going on?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tatsuhiko View Post
Once you know everything--and I think you are approaching that point--you can begin to heal. But this will be a long process. If his transgressions stayed within limits that you can come to terms with, and if he shows sufficient remorse, I think you will get past this in a couple years. You can have a healthy marriage again. It's been done before. But you will never fully trust him again, and he should be made to understand this up front.
Tron is offline  
post #280 of 304 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 09:42 PM
Member
 
aine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Away and beyond in a hot place
Posts: 2,580
Re: What's going on?

How are you Kukabura?

aine is offline  
post #281 of 304 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 04:18 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 124
Have not been in a mood to post last few days sorry.

He is back in the house. He missed the kids and I was so tired trying to take care of them alone. I was also unwell over the weekend. He called when I was sick, he came home with dinner and saw the house in a mess, he stayed and cleaned up the house and took care of kids. Honestly speaking, I was glad he did. We did not talk I just stayed in my room most of the time and he did not bother me except to ask about kids. Kids are happy to have dad back.
Kukabura is offline  
post #282 of 304 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 04:33 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 124
I did not message his colleagues. He emailed me a few points like. He is not afraid of me enquiring about his activities or character with anyone from his ex co. He says he would have never allowed me to open the fb account if he had been cheating. He did not think a happy ending massage with an unknown women and being forced to touch a random breast was cheating. He just thought I will be upset to know. But says now he regrets and knows it's cheating. But says he doesn't like me interrogating him all the time. He is asking him to give a chance to prove his love and commitment. He has not apologised much on his treatment of me during those months in that country but says he felt like I hated moving there and often complained, besides he felt guilty for bringing us to a third world country especially the younger one. So he says he acted weird and didn't realise how much he has hurt me.

I know I have said many times how much I hated it and why he didn't stop me from coming here. I know I have blamed him for a few things in relation to my moving. I'm not an angel but he chose to shut down and not solve the problem.
Kukabura is offline  
post #283 of 304 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 04:34 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 124
Anyway, our life is messy right now and I have no plans
Kukabura is offline  
post #284 of 304 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 06:17 AM
Moderator
 
farsidejunky's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 7,356
Re: What's going on?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kukabura View Post
I did not message his colleagues. He emailed me a few points like. He is not afraid of me enquiring about his activities or character with anyone from his ex co. He says he would have never allowed me to open the fb account if he had been cheating. He did not think a happy ending massage with an unknown women and being forced to touch a random breast was cheating. He just thought I will be upset to know. But says now he regrets and knows it's cheating. But says he doesn't like me interrogating him all the time. He is asking him to give a chance to prove his love and commitment. He has not apologised much on his treatment of me during those months in that country but says he felt like I hated moving there and often complained, besides he felt guilty for bringing us to a third world country especially the younger one. So he says he acted weird and didn't realise how much he has hurt me.

I know I have said many times how much I hated it and why he didn't stop me from coming here. I know I have blamed him for a few things in relation to my moving. I'm not an angel but he chose to shut down and not solve the problem.
If he doesn't want to be interrogated, he should have been truthful.

Don't you see he is STILL blaming you?

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
farsidejunky is online now  
post #285 of 304 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 06:19 AM
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 6
smi11ie is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome