What's going on? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #16 of 305 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 09:45 AM
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Re: What's going on?

We always tell posters to trust their gut. It rarely is wrong. Do you have access to his phone or the phone bill? Look to see if there is a number that he's texting or calling often. A common thing will be to list the contact Jack in fiance who is really Jill in marketing. Get into his email/social media as well. Look at credit card bills for any hotel charges.

But if he's having a work place affair, those are hard to uncover. A surprise visit to office can make your husband understand that he better watch himself and it also puts any woman on notice.

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post #17 of 305 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 10:37 AM
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Cool Re: What's going on?

Sounds as if 10% of the proverbial iceberg is emerging from the ocean!

You better take time to put on your snorkeling gear to duly examine the 90% of it that is still well hidden beneath the bobbing wake of the calm water!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

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Last edited by arbitrator; 02-01-2017 at 05:02 AM. Reason: Edification
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post #18 of 305 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 11:15 AM
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Re: What's going on?

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Originally Posted by FeministInPink View Post
One thing not mentioned yet: do NOT mention your suspicions to your husband. If he IS cheating, and you confront him, he will go further underground and he will be even harder to catch/get proof.
100% agree.

The "soft confront" is probably the first and worst mistake the BS makes. Aside from going underground, you have to understand since affairs are fantasy land they don't need regular maintenance as in a real marriage.

When I first suspected my WW was having an affair, I did the soft confront with zero proof. I really believed if she was cheating she would feel so shamed she would confess. Right. All she did was shut down her affair for months at a time, zero contact.

Was the affair over? Hell no. One discrete email after many months of no contact and it's off and running again (straight to some hotel room). Remember, affairs are about selfishness, secrets, attention, and sex. There's no need or place for constant discussion about family, children, home, finance.

Hard lesson learned... Trust but verify everything, mouth shut... Eyes and ears open.

I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living or get busy dying... Andy, Shawshank Redemption.
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post #19 of 305 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 11:28 AM
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Re: What's going on?

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Originally Posted by Kukabura View Post
This is weird that I have to type my life on a forum. Thanks to anyone who will provide some clarity.

Married for 10 years with 2 young kids. Recently relocated to another country (DH moved for work first and we joined a couple of months ago).

Where to start??? Well, something has changed, he has changed, life seems different and miserableble all of a sudden.

He has gone from a caring husband to distant aquaintance. We do not talk much at all, he looks serious and uninterested.

I am trying my best to keep it together and try to engage with him but its not working. In addition to this, there are bunch of things I am unhappy about. First his close colleague, next his secretiveness, the way he ignores me and the way I react to it. It can go on. I feel miserable.

Whats going on? I know I have not given much information but I am happy to provide more if needed.

Thanks for reading!
Secretiveness is so destructive... it's an illusion of protection, because openness breaks it every time.

But still people sacrifice everything for it's hold...

It may be a depression, we don't always find ourselves in the place we thought we would be. Married, two young children, new job, new country, new perceptions of freedoms and chains, new unmindfulness. If he has fallen into a fog of depression or a selfishness (drifting into another relationship) both are debilitating. If his insurance and company policy has an EAP (Employee Assistance Program) that you can get some immediate counseling with, please take such a step quickly before the fog grows more dense.

Honesty has no fear of the light, perhaps a small hand journal (non-electronic) would be a good thing to begin of the things accurately said and the reflections had from them... it also helps to time/date all thoughts so a proper reference is present.

While the bolded is disturbing because the gender of the close colleague is not known, let's take a step back and place our thoughts into a single camp... the choices he is making are hurting you and your family.

There are reactions, and there are actions... one is far better than the other.

Life can become routines and often the ones we pay attention too negatively always draw the most energy... it may be best to flip that around... shake things up a little with him so to speak. Surprise him with visits and calls, keep them short as you are out and about, know his lunch and off-work times, inject yourself with fun and happiness and if he doesn't bite, go on with that fun leaving him behind happily.. you make that yourself.

You have got to get ahold of your anger and understand why... be "in touch" with it so to speak. Once you have this understanding you will respond slower to "reacting" and that will give you reflection and communication.When he disappoints you with his inattention and poor behavior, take that new calm and turn that lecture into something that can provide a clarifying statement for him to digest.

Make "I'm sick and tired of you being miserable and ignoring the children and I" into "when these things happen with us it breaks our family for the moment and takes you away from us and it hurts to miss you and the good together" then leave him to digest this action.

Then let it go yourself with the comfort you have expressed yourself with a more positive ending.

While you worry for your family, I think he needs to understand that you will be fine without if he continues down this rocky path. One cannot "tell" someone this, one is shown such through actions.

This negative energy will harm you for as long as you partake in it... it hurts, you love and miss him even through his poor behaviors, but it's time to learn to leave it using the same practice as one does with meditation. Pause your thoughts and let go so we can re-enter from a calmer approach, one that is loving for ourselves and recognize what is going on. The heart and mind must be in tune with another, stop allowing him to take you off-beat and out of harmony.

Please continue to share, loving and kind thought to your family as your path becomes clear... even though it may be different than you currently hope for, never lose that trust in yourself that it will.

Peace be with you...
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post #20 of 305 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 06:07 AM Thread Starter
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Re: What's going on?

Thank you everyone for the replies. I will try my best to answer all the questions

DH has been working here close to a year before we joined him. His close colleague is a male who is cheating on his wife with a woman half his age. DH knows this and he is the one who told me. I hate the fact he is still very close to this man. He picks DH to work every morning and sometimes there are female colleagues in the car. The annoying part is DH has never introduced them to me, the simply wait in the car. He hardly talks about his colleagues to me except this guy.
I donít usually see his bank/credit card details. His pay has considerably increased since he moved and I am sure he is spending a bit more than usual. He does not like me touching his phone and its locked. He has password protected his laptop and everything. We have had a few arguments in the last year over his family and we have been quiet upset with each other. However we usually patch up on that. I would say we are emotionally disengaged compared to how we were before he moved here. Our sex life has always been good, but after the 2nd child its different. It has increased but I feel its just sex no love.
We are right now in a developing Asian country and I do not even know the location of his workplace. He does tell me where it is but I donít know if I would go with 2 young kids. One thing I know for sure is women here will do anything to have an affair with expats. The thought alone makes me sick.

He does not stay back after work. He comes home on time always. He loves his job, he took this job so that I can be a stay at home mum. He lies a lot usually and I have caught him on it a few times, nothing serious so far though. He does not have FB account and I only have one friend a neighbor with young children. She tells me scary stories of affairs that happen here. I am often busy with children, hardly have time. I am 31 and he is 38.

I have tried to answer as many questions as possible but my paragraphs are not well organized as I have to read each post and answer.
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post #21 of 305 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 06:15 AM Thread Starter
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Re: What's going on?

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Originally Posted by Vinnydee View Post
Sorry to hear about that. Something similar happened to me. I moved 2,000 miles away, leaving my wife to sell the house and eventually come and join me. That took about 4 months and I got lonely and started dating my secretary and then a girl in a company we did business with. I just got used to not being married and when my wife came, I behaved as your husband did. My wife was miserable and cried that she wanted to go home. I felt real bad and told her about the girl I had been dating but no more. I asked my boss to transfer me back home because it was destroying our marriage. Two months later we were transferred close to our old city and all was well again.

I cheated because my first fiancee and the girlfriend after her but right before my wife, cheated. The guys I worked with were cheating. My boss was cheating and I felt like cheating was part of marriage. You take your vow of fidelity with a wink and a nod knowing that more than half of spouses cheat. I was young. I got married when I was 21. I just bought a house and was a clerk for 10 months and then made a branch manager and I had no idea of how to do that. It was overwhelming for me and I got really lonely and what started as just asking a girl to lunch for female conversation and companionship ended up becoming more and more by the time my wife arrived. I had gotten used to being single again and my wife was homesick and I did not help matters at all.

I can feel for you. Have you communicated your concerns and unhappiness to your husband? Sometimes spouses do not ask because they are afraid of the answer. It is important to communicate with your husband for your own sake as well as the sake of your marriage. I wish you luck and just know that we got it back together again and just passed our 44th year of marriage.
Thanks for sharing! this is my fear. Yes I have spoken to him and have told him how i feel, his answer is "I'm the same, nothing wrong"
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post #22 of 305 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 06:23 AM Thread Starter
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Re: What's going on?

I have definitely become very concious about my looks after having children. He had mentioned it too. He adores the children and spends all his time with them. We do spend a lot of time together but do not talk anything personal just kids and general matters.

I m missing home and regret my decision to join him. I don't like it here. I sit at the window sill and listen to sad music everyday. This is not me at all.

About visiting him at work, he will hate that and may even resign his job if I do that. I know him, he will say I am spying on him and do not trust him.
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post #23 of 305 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 09:03 AM
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Re: What's going on?

You ARE spying on him & you DON'T trust him!

I'm sorry. I'm very bias by my own experiences. A family that I've always been very close to had horrible secrets. The younger brother was one of the kindest men I've ever known. Shortly after marrying he started working for his Dad. He was taken to a country like yours. On the first night he was taken by his FATHER & other powerful business men to a brothel. That's when he first cheated on his wife! That's when he first discovered what his Dad did on business trips to Asia. He was told that "everyone does it!".

I know it's cliche. I'm very sorry to your husband if I have this wrong but in a culture like that, alone for a whole year, with a best friend who thinks nothing of adultery with young women....

How often was he 'socializing' before you arrived? Did he call/Skype you every night?

You're new to that country & he hasn't introduced you to his friends & collegues?? Huge red flag! Has he ALWAYS been this secretive & controlling? You aren't painting a very pleasant picture of your husband. Are there other ex pats? Companies that relocate families usually have groups in my experience. Maybe a call to HR to discuss social groups would be good for you? Being a year 'late' you've probably missed most of the relocation seminars. You CAN take part now. Unless it's a tiny company they should have resources for you & your family. I think he's keeping you alienated from work for a reason.

I'm sorry.
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post #24 of 305 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 09:11 AM
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Re: What's going on?

Check your phone bill just because.
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post #25 of 305 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 11:37 AM
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Re: What's going on?

It doesn't seem like that much has changed. I see that you feel more lonely and depressed but maybe that's because you are staying home and not working and your in a foreign country.
I know that when I was staying home I became more paranoid and was too much in my head. Like I had too much time to think or something.

There is just not enough evidence for an affair. You need to keep an eye out on him but at the same time not be so overbearing that your going to drive yourself mad and ruin your own marriage because of the distrust. I think that you should give him the benefit of the doubt, until you see something that really points to an affair. You don't want to be the self for filling prophecy where you go overboard looking for something that is not there, drive yourself crazy, and start to see your husband differently which changes your relationship which "pushes" him to an affair.

Stop looking for evidence to incriminate him and concentrate on your own life and building yourself up.

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post #26 of 305 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 02:53 PM Thread Starter
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I'm definitely feeling lonely and depressed but not because I'm staying home. I have done this before. I don't really have any family left back at home except his. He has always been my best friend and soulmate, having him beside and yet feeling distant kills me.
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post #27 of 305 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 02:55 PM Thread Starter
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He used to call me everyday when we were apart
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post #28 of 305 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 02:58 PM Thread Starter
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Thank you all again for your responses! I just don't know how to reply with quote nor have the time. Appreciate all inputs. I'm going to look at his phone today.
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post #29 of 305 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 08:17 PM
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Re: What's going on?

Looking at his phone is the first step.

YOu have been apart for a year, did he visit you and the children in that time? How many times?

It may be a matter of trying to adjust to each other again. You may not be at your most happy or charming due to the move, it happens. A man (esp after freedom for a year) does not want to come home to an unhappy wife.
I would suggest you do all that people told you to do here, then start working on yourself, join an expat group, join an art club, a mother with children club, go to a gym, etc. Do things that will keep you happy and on the move. Sitting on the windowsill and crying or listening to sad songs will only make you spiral down further.
(I have been in this place, wouldn't open the curtains, hated being in the new country, just lived day by day, a complete misery, of course my H didn't know what to do and came home later and later).
So for your own sake and the children's sake, shake yourself out of that , get out and find out more about the country yuu live in.

Ask your H to introduce you to his colleagues, tell him you cannot be alone in the house all the time, you need to get out. Befriend people who can babysit for you. Meanwhile keep an eye on his times, what he says, etc but do not confront or jump to conclusions till you have more solid proof of what is going on.

If it is something that happened in the past, he may be guilty and may not know how to handle it, hence the disconnect.
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post #30 of 305 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 01:00 AM Thread Starter
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Re: What's going on?

Managed to check his phone while he was in the bathroom. Told him I misplaced my phone and need to ring it to locate it just before he stepped into the shower.

There are bunch of messages to all kinds of numbers some saved some not. Mostly work related but a couple of weird messages like some one asking him "can we go for a swim" and he replied "yes we can", some one asking him for money, then loads of messages between him and his good friend
He has never mentioned about any swim.

Then checked his browser history and he has been browsing porn. There were lots of sex videos saved in the phone.

That's all I managed to find. I'm basically ok with him watching porn especially when we are apart but these are recent right at home.
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