What's going on? - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
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post #46 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 04:55 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by JayWalker View Post
Kukabura

You will stop being treated badly, disrespectfully, the secrecy, the coldness - all will stop when you decide to stand for no more.

Anyone with a temper has a very PERSONAL problem! He needs to fix himself on that item. Anger is fine - as long as the anger motivates action to resolve the cause of the anger. That is supposing the anger is justified and not due to not getting something he thinks he deserves.

You have mentioned several items which, to me, sound like intentional deception. "go for a swim?" have you explored that or are you afraid to ask?

I don't mean to be harsh in my words - but! What you have related in the way your husband is treating you isn't as a wife.
More, my opinion, like a housmaid/nanny.

Swallow hard and force the discussions to begin resolving your relationship, Another BUT!! Before starting, get an escape plan in place. Maybe squirrel away funds to pay for transportation back to your home country. Figure out what you will do if you have to return to your home country. Do you have any legal rights you can use? Also consider what legal rights you have where you are living currently. Both the law and the ways and thinking of society affect how you will be treated if there is a public conflict that results when you stand up asking him to respect you and the marriage.
I can easily move some money to my account he never questions me on that. I will just let him know I did. We have 2 house maids but no way I will let them watch children when I'm not around. I'm going to confront him on so many things but trying to get more information before that.

I'm pretty sure he will send us safely home should something go wrong.

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post #47 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 09:13 AM
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Re: What's going on?

He sounds as he has checked out in your absence and doesn't know how to check back in... or want to.

I so dislike such open disrespect... as with other posters, his checking out other women is unacceptable but if his anger is so feared how would you properly approach it? I hope there is not a physical side to his tantrums, but words damage just as much... abuse is abuse.

Treating you poorly as you describe, he has replaced you with something and is resentful you are taking him away from it. That he is isolating you as such is retaliatory and fueled by the desires he feels denied.

The people he doesn't want you to meet from work may be more aware of his time there and doesn't want such actions before you arrived to become exposed... a slip of the tongue in your presence so to speak. This is all speculation of course, because all we know for sure is he is treating you very poorly with disrespect but keeping you from others is telling he has fears himself.

When we live a different world outside of the expectations of the proper path, finding our way back from the dark takes light. Perhaps he has lived a different life while you were apart and his conscious is troubling him and not fixing it is driving him deeper into unmindfulness... he will have to put aside his pride and be humble to take accept that torch to see the way together but I do not see him willing to leave that which is hurting him yet.

You are his best light... may he see that in time, but choice is owned by us all.

The effect of that choice is own by us as well... will you continue to live in sadness or will you be open to the thought that if he continues to build his wall from you that you are prepared to leave that which is hurting you and go back to your home country where your happiness is more firm?

The light of hope burns bright in you...
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post #48 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 01:21 PM Thread Starter
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Personally, any guy who is away from his wife for a whole YEAR would be suspect in my eyes. How often did you see him during that time?

Maybe 'swim' is a code word? You need to get some of the numbers and see what you can find out about them.

Are you sure it was just porn sites and not chat sites or adult friend finder type sites on his phone? My husband started with porn and it led to 'other' things pretty quickly and easily.

About his temper - why would he get so mad if he has nothing to hide?

About him checking other women out - that is unacceptable. Tell him he needs to stop NOW. If that makes him mad then you need more than us - you need to think about telling him it's time for marriage counseling.
I thought the same that "swim" could be code word for something else. I will question him on all the things going through my mind.

I can't sleep well till I get to the bottom
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post #49 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 05:08 PM
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Re: What's going on?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kukabura View Post
I thought the same that "swim" could be code word for something else. I will question him on all the things going through my mind.

I can't sleep well till I get to the bottom
When was that text sent? After he moved to the current place or while he was still living at the hotel?

___________
I have become comfortably numb.
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post #50 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 12:00 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Emerging Buddhist View Post
He sounds as he has checked out in your absence and doesn't know how to check back in... or want to.

I so dislike such open disrespect... as with other posters, his checking out other women is unacceptable but if his anger is so feared how would you properly approach it? I hope there is not a physical side to his tantrums, but words damage just as much... abuse is abuse.

Treating you poorly as you describe, he has replaced you with something and is resentful you are taking him away from it. That he is isolating you as such is retaliatory and fueled by the desires he feels denied.

The people he doesn't want you to meet from work may be more aware of his time there and doesn't want such actions before you arrived to become exposed... a slip of the tongue in your presence so to speak. This is all speculation of course, because all we know for sure is he is treating you very poorly with disrespect but keeping you from others is telling he has fears himself.

When we live a different world outside of the expectations of the proper path, finding our way back from the dark takes light. Perhaps he has lived a different life while you were apart and his conscious is troubling him and not fixing it is driving him deeper into unmindfulness... he will have to put aside his pride and be humble to take accept that torch to see the way together but I do not see him willing to leave that which is hurting him yet.

You are his best light... may he see that in time, but choice is owned by us all.

The effect of that choice is own by us as well... will you continue to live in sadness or will you be open to the thought that if he continues to build his wall from you that you are prepared to leave that which is hurting you and go back to your home country where your happiness is more firm?

The light of hope burns bright in you...
Thank you!

You are right. Anything is possible and I'm prepared to face it. I have a good career I can go back to anytime I want and do not fear losing anything other than the stability for my children.

I have bad feeling about everything right now.
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post #51 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 12:04 AM Thread Starter
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[QUOTE=Annie123;17294674]
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Originally Posted by Kukabura View Post
I thought the same that "swim" could be code word for something else. I will question him on all the things going through my mind.

I can't sleep well till I get to the bottom
When was that text sent? After he moved to the current place or while he was still living at the hotel

When we are back at home. He was staying at the hotel
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post #52 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 01:06 AM
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Re: What's going on?

From the FB friends, any chance of accessing the new friends he has made in the current country. Any photos, etc of nights out. Worth a look.
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post #53 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 05:06 AM Thread Starter
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Just checked his fb account I set up. Lots of male and female colleagues from his current place. A few women's profile utterly shocking. Seems like the kind of women who will sleep with any dog with money.
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post #54 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 05:09 AM Thread Starter
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Processing everything. I have never heard about females at work. I have ever asked but his answer was "yes some in accounts department and I have nothing to do with them"
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post #55 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 05:11 AM Thread Starter
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What should I do? Confront? Dig more?

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post #56 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 05:12 AM Thread Starter
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post #57 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 05:58 AM
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Re: What's going on?

Do not confront. You don't have anything concrete, and if there is an ongoing affair, you will only drive it further underground.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #58 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 06:01 AM
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Re: What's going on?

So sorry, but its not enough evidence based on what you have, but keep digging and watch the accounts of those women.
He was obviously 'making friends' when you were not around, and that is why he is hiding you now from his colleagues. Insist on meeting his work mates or invite them for dinner. Go out to the car in the morning and introduce yourself if he doesn't do it soon, be bold. Make him as uncomfortable as possible but do it in the nicest possible way, bowl them over with your charm.

The two maids you have, where did they come from, did he have them before you arrived? How were they recruited? They might know something?

On another note, you are alone in a new country with young kids, this kind of thing can prey on your mind if you do not have an outlet and drive you crazy. I suggest you confide in a close friend or sibling, at least to get things off your chest and keep your balance, this is a heavy load to carry alone. Try to get out of the house and make friends with the expats there, get to know others at your kids school, etc. You need this to keep yourself moving.

Last edited by aine; 02-02-2017 at 06:06 AM.
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post #59 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 09:12 AM
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Re: What's going on?

One text with a vague reference to swimming is definitely not enough. He can find a way to explain that and turn it around on you for snooping. It's frustrating when you know that something isn't right but you haven't found the proof yet. Silence is imperative until you can get your hands on information that confirms for you what is going on either way.

Does he know you opened a Facebook account in his name? If not, what are you going to do if someone at work mentions it? That sounds very risky to me. makes me nervous.
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post #60 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 12:47 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by aine View Post
So sorry, but its not enough evidence based on what you have, but keep digging and watch the accounts of those women.
He was obviously 'making friends' when you were not around, and that is why he is hiding you now from his colleagues. Insist on meeting his work mates or invite them for dinner. Go out to the car in the morning and introduce yourself if he doesn't do it soon, be bold. Make him as uncomfortable as possible but do it in the nicest possible way, bowl them over with your charm.

The two maids you have, where did they come from, did he have them before you arrived? How were they recruited? They might know something?

On another note, you are alone in a new country with young kids, this kind of thing can prey on your mind if you do not have an outlet and drive you crazy. I suggest you confide in a close friend or sibling, at least to get things off your chest and keep your balance, this is a heavy load to carry alone. Try to get out of the house and make friends with the expats there, get to know others at your kids school, etc. You need this to keep yourself moving.
My kids are not in school, very young. The maids were recruited by me after I moved there so they will know nothing. I have been talking to my best friend about this and she is very supportive. My neighbour is a very lovely lady with young kids and we often have play dates and bring kids out. I'm not too bad. Not knowing what's going on H is driving me nuts
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