What's going on? - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #61 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 12:50 AM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zyria View Post
One text with a vague reference to swimming is definitely not enough. He can find a way to explain that and turn it around on you for snooping. It's frustrating when you know that something isn't right but you haven't found the proof yet. Silence is imperative until you can get your hands on information that confirms for you what is going on either way.

Does he know you opened a Facebook account in his name? If not, what are you going to do if someone at work mentions it? That sounds very risky to me. makes me nervous.
He knows that I set up the account. Told him it's for family and I sent invitation to all contacts from his email.

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post #62 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 01:03 AM Thread Starter
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I don't know how to express my feeling right now. I have found more stuff about him.

First FB, saw my re friend requests. One women with a very disgusting comments on her profile pic by men posted on his wall "boss I miss you, can you please post me in your department again? Want to work with you" and that has 5 reactions. I went through the photos of all friends from his work place and they all seem like they have been attending loads of parties, events at work. My H is not seen in anything. He had also not mentioned to me about work events before. I feel like 70% of the female colleagues are plain call girls based on their profiles. I feel sick to my stomach imagining one of them with H in his hotel room. This is looking bad.
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post #63 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 01:16 AM Thread Starter
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I'm going to check his work email today. Searching for a valid reason to give him. I can't believe that he had not shared with me anything about these ****ty colleagues. I should have known better given the reputation of this place.
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post #64 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 01:29 AM Thread Starter
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Thank you everyone for your support. I'm so consumed that I m not answering all the posts. I'm reading everything though.
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post #65 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 02:20 AM
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Re: What's going on?

Kukabura, I know your heart is heavy and frustrated right now and you are going a little stir crazy, we have all been there at one point or another, imagining the worst.
Try to keep level headed, do not put your H on notice till you do more digging, do not blow your cover and confront too early, that is the worst thing you can do. Try and act normal around him. I know your emotions may want to take over but suppress them. Start writing a journal, to let it all out, keep notes of what you have found, names, places dates, what he says, times, times. Vent in the journal, do it on your computer and password protect it (so he cannot access it, a hard copy journal may be found). This way you can let off steam but put a smile on your face when he comes home.

Has he been coming home on time every day, attending any work functions, etc? Can you access that woman's FB account? Do a search online (google) for her too or look at her friends accounts also.

I should also say, many of these type of younger Asian woman can act very familiar with their bosses. They are used to using their femininity to get what they want, whether it is a job, noticed, money etc. They just have a way of doing it that is repulsive to wives and girlfriends. However, that does not mean something was going on. I have had such women work for me, they are usually all over the male bosses but do not have the same servile approach to the female bosses that is the way it is.

Last edited by aine; 02-03-2017 at 02:24 AM.
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post #66 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 03:54 AM Thread Starter
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It's very difficult to act normal with hundreds of questions and emotions inside. Even the maids have sensed I'm going through something.

He comes home plays with kids have brief conversations with me on household matters and other family members thengoes to bed. We might end up having sex most nights. This is pretty much what happens everyday.

I will try my best not to cause suspicions
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post #67 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 04:14 AM Thread Starter
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Bad news. I'm packing my bags. Loads of **** in work email. Enough for me to leave. He blames me broke his phone and walked out. Came back in the morning and fell asleep. Tried posting early but too confused and shocked.

I don't know how I feel, it's like I feel relieved that I'm no longer wondering but I feel very heavy and angry.
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post #68 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 04:19 AM Thread Starter
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He is liar bigger liar than I thought. He has no remorse, no regrets. The only thing he regrets is giving me the password.

Tears rolling down non stop every time I look at my children. They did not deserve this.
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post #69 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 05:04 AM Thread Starter
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I keep typing everything to post from my phone and it goes missing each time before I post. Does it happen? How can I make long post using phone? I don't want to use my laptop.
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post #70 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 06:04 AM Thread Starter
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Yesterday mornings before he left for work I asked him for his work email password saying I want to sign up for a country club and need work email. He was a little hesitant but gave it to me warning me not to mess up his work. I promised just to activate the club account. I thought of this as I know he has meetings every morning and he will be busy.

I logged on to his email as soon as he left. Typed the names of people from the fb list that I felt something off. Lots of things came up... some innocent and some indecent. I can't type all but here are some examples
Female colleagues sending sexual jokes, cartoon sex videos
Asking for money because mother is sick
Asking for dinner dates
Erotic images of lingeries pictures suggesting he buys it for me.
Sending pictures of themselves in revealing clothes and positions with. One example, a woman wearing braless tube top with big breasts saying "I brought authentic mangoes to taste if anyone likes" this was sent to 3 people including my H. Worst is yet to come

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post #71 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 06:28 AM Thread Starter
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There were pictures of him having dinner, drinking with group of colleagues, looks like a pub. There were both male and female colleagues. His close work mate is in all the photos.

There were a few short video clips that shows them drunk and laughing. One picture shows some kind of celebration, lots of half naked women dressed in some dance costumes. Typing these makes me want to vomit right now. I checked the sent mails and saw his reply to one email in which a woman asks him to be her boy friend, he replied "let's see more nude pictures first"

I couldn't dig anymore, I had no time and didn't need anymore proof. I logged out and had a good cry. Spend some time thinking about future then went back to save those emails but he has changed his password during that time. He called me during lunch and I didn't hide my feeling very well, he sensed something wrong and came home early, bubblier than usual and asked me what happened to the membership. I said I don't need any membership and asked to see what has been doing behind my back. He said I don't trust him and I have invaded his privacy. He said something is very wrong with me and I need to see doctor for my mental problem. He said life is hell with me, no peace and all. Threw his phone on the floor and it broke into pieces. Walked out of the house. I tried calling him twice no reply. He came back in the morning and went straight to bed. I have not seen his after that.

This is not the man I married, he has never been like this. I feel like I'm living with a stranger. I called my best friend and she has asked me to stay calm and do not say anymore. She wants me to leave asap.
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post #72 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 06:48 AM
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Re: What's going on?

I'm so sorry, Kukabura. You didn't deserve any of this. It sounds like he got sucked into some third-world corporate culture of debauchery. Hates himself but is taking it out on you instead.

Are you able to take the kids back to your home country? It would be nice for you to get out of this environment and back to your support network. I hope he would not try to prevent you from doing this. Maybe there's a way you can do it without him knowing. If it comes to this, you might consider calling your embassy to find out what your rights are in this situation.
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post #73 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 07:31 AM
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Re: What's going on?

Get away from him. Anyone who would suggest you need to see a doctor for **cough** YOUR problem should be nowhere near you.

Do not call email, text, or him unless necessary.

Find a way home.

So sorry.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #74 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 08:24 AM
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Re: What's going on?

Clear any joint account you have with him, absolutely rinse him for every penny before you depart.
Proof again that you should always always trust your gut.

Kukarbua,
I'm very sorry you are here, if you have anyone you and the kids can go stay with for a couple of days then you should do so. Make plans to come home as soon as you can - with your kids too.

Go ghost on him, it would seem he likes a life of deprivation before a life of good clean living.
You need to put you and your kids first, how do you do that ? Book the next flights home, first class on his credit card!

'You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice.'
Bob Marley

“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.”
Corrie ten Boom,
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post #75 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 08:56 AM
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Re: What's going on?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kukabura View Post
There were pictures of him having dinner, drinking with group of colleagues, looks like a pub. There were both male and female colleagues. His close work mate is in all the photos.

There were a few short video clips that shows them drunk and laughing. One picture shows some kind of celebration, lots of half naked women dressed in some dance costumes. Typing these makes me want to vomit right now. I checked the sent mails and saw his reply to one email in which a woman asks him to be her boy friend, he replied "let's see more nude pictures first"

I couldn't dig anymore, I had no time and didn't need anymore proof. I logged out and had a good cry. Spend some time thinking about future then went back to save those emails but he has changed his password during that time. He called me during lunch and I didn't hide my feeling very well, he sensed something wrong and came home early, bubblier than usual and asked me what happened to the membership. I said I don't need any membership and asked to see what has been doing behind my back. He said I don't trust him and I have invaded his privacy. He said something is very wrong with me and I need to see doctor for my mental problem. He said life is hell with me, no peace and all. Threw his phone on the floor and it broke into pieces. Walked out of the house. I tried calling him twice no reply. He came back in the morning and went straight to bed. I have not seen his after that.

This is not the man I married, he has never been like this. I feel like I'm living with a stranger. I called my best friend and she has asked me to stay calm and do not say anymore. She wants me to leave asap.
Kukabura, I am so so sorry but as someone says here, your gut was totally right.
He knows he has been outed and in typical cheater mode is trying to throw blame on you and react in anger in the hope you will back off and let him rug sweep.
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He said I don't trust him and I have invaded his privacy. He said something is very wrong with me and I need to see doctor for my mental problem. He said life is hell with me, no peace and all. Threw his phone on the floor and it broke into pieces. Walked out of the house.


This is all cheater stuff, you are crazy, invaded his privacy, blah blah blah, blame the victim, many have see exactly the same thing, stick to your guns. It would have been better if you had some evidence of it though. He will probably now delete all of this.
That is why he rushed home, he sensed something was up.
You tell him that you will be going home and contacting a lawyer immediately, that he must totally come clean. I suspect he will not because what you have found is only the tip of the iceberg.
1. Please contact your family, his family, friends, and tell them what has happened. He will probably do damage control, so you get to them first, expose him, it is his shame not yours, do not cover for him
2. Make plans to return home
3. Contact a lawyer to see what your options are
4. Do the 180 on him immediately, no contact, communication, etc.
5. He will use anger, if that is not working, he will beg and cry and say she meant nothing (he will begin to realise he is throwing away his family for cheap thrills and women who are nothing more than ****s - it happens). This is not remorse, he is just angry he got caught.
6. He stands to lose alot without the kids and will wake up and realise this
7. If you can be financially self sustaining, let his employer know what has happened, employers even in Asia frown on this type of thing, contact HR - blow up his world
8. Get tested for STDs - this is essential.
9. You should also tell the wife of his colleague who is being cheated on if you know her and blow up his world too, give the pair of them (your husband and him) something to think about.

So sorry this is happening to you, but some men do this stupid thing when they get to countries where women throw themselves at them. It shows poor judgement and lack of character. You can get through this.

Last edited by aine; 02-04-2017 at 09:06 AM.
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