What's going on? - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #76 of 304 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 03:16 PM Thread Starter
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Thank you for your kind words everyone. I don't know where to start. I feel paralysed. Told the maids I'm leaving and to pack up the kids and my stuff, haven't book the ticket, haven't spoken to him. He spent his night in the kids room. He has not made any attempt to talk to me, he knows I'm planning to fly off soon.

I am not close to my family, my mother is too old to deal with this and she lives far from me. My mother in law is very involved in our life as she lives close to us. I will tell her once I reach home.

I feel like a fool trying to figure out why he has been acting weird last few months. Reading on this forum saved me I would say. I can't sleep or eat well right now, my mind is numb.

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post #77 of 304 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 05:06 PM
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Re: What's going on?

Good for you, Kukabura. Be strong and resolute. He's being an absolute jerk, and I suspect it's because he's overwhelmed with a level of guilt that's too hard to face. Once he has some time to think about things and see what he's losing, you'll see a better person, I hope. You've been a good wife and mother, and didn't deserve any of this. Don't let him try to convince you otherwise as a way to assuage his own guilt.
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post #78 of 304 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 06:21 PM Thread Starter
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I'm re-reading the advice on this thread again and I must say it's helpful to put my thoughts together.

I'm not going to talk to him about lawyer stuff, I don't know how he will react, I will do that when I'm safe back home via email. He loves the kids to bits and had missed them so much during the past year although he flew home frequently.

I will tell his mother for sure, but she is the kind who always sides her children no matter how wrong they are, so I doubt she will be of help to me, let's see.

I spoke to my neighbour friend(she is a local but studied in U.K.) regarding exposing at work, her advise is it's a waste and probably the top management also does these at work here. She is urging me to go back and make him get a transfer back home. I have asked him before if he can get posted back home and is answer is no job back home and this is the only project, besides, he gets paid 3x the pay here.

I will do the STD test once I reach home. I have not moved money yet. I do have my own savings but he has more. We have no joint account but I have a set of cards to use from his account.

He has been with kids all these while and using his laptop. I was at the neighbours house for a while. I have decided to book tickets for Monday morning.

I don't know what my plans are for the future but I don't want to be with him. Am I being too harsh? should I work on the marriage and fix this? But it's not my job to fix it, he ruined it. This is what he does each time I'm upset, makes it look like it's all my fault.
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post #79 of 304 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 06:27 PM
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Re: What's going on?

You trusted your gut and it brought you to the truth.

He is not remorseful.
He is Gaslighting you.

You cannot save the relationship alone, which is what you'll be doing, based on his reactions. He is not marriage material.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #80 of 304 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 06:33 PM
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Re: What's going on?

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Originally Posted by Kukabura View Post
This is weird that I have to type my life on a forum. Thanks to anyone who will provide some clarity.

Married for 10 years with 2 young kids. Recently relocated to another country (DH moved for work first and we joined a couple of months ago).

Where to start??? Well, something has changed, he has changed, life seems different and miserableble all of a sudden.

He has gone from a caring husband to distant aquaintance. We do not talk much at all, he looks serious and uninterested.

I am trying my best to keep it together and try to engage with him but its not working. In addition to this, there are bunch of things I am unhappy about. First his close colleague, next his secretiveness, the way he ignores me and the way I react to it. It can go on. I feel miserable.

Whats going on? I know I have not given much information but I am happy to provide more if needed.

Thanks for reading!

Very similar to my situation. My wife let herself go, sex 1x month, I don't find her physically hot, and I bought myself a sex toy. This results in Mrs.CuddleBug and I not doing much together, I'm not really interested, distant yup, and we are almost like aqaintences and roommates at times. I could talk to her about all this but she'll just get upset and nothing will really change. Am I having an affair? No.

I am sorry what you found out about him. Sounds like he was seeing someone or at least starting to see someone.

Very inappropriate of him.

If his needs weren't being met, he should of told you and worked it out instead of doing what he is doing.

Strength and Honor. What we do in life echo's in eternity.

Last edited by CuddleBug; 02-04-2017 at 06:37 PM.
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post #81 of 304 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 06:43 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Satya View Post
You trusted your gut and it brought you to the truth.

He is not remorseful.
He is Gaslighting you.

You cannot save the relationship alone, which is what you'll be doing, based on his reactions. He is not marriage material.
What is gas lighting? He has been a good partner for the past 10 years. The changes have come with the travelling for work. I know he lies a little but doubt if he had been lying to me on these kinda stuff throughout marriage. I hate the person he has become after our 2nd child
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post #82 of 304 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 06:47 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by CuddleBug View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kukabura View Post
This is weird that I have to type my life on a forum. Thanks to anyone who will provide some clarity.

Married for 10 years with 2 young kids. Recently relocated to another country (DH moved for work first and we joined a couple of months ago).

Where to start??? Well, something has changed, he has changed, life seems different and miserableble all of a sudden.

He has gone from a caring husband to distant aquaintance. We do not talk much at all, he looks serious and uninterested.

I am trying my best to keep it together and try to engage with him but its not working. In addition to this, there are bunch of things I am unhappy about. First his close colleague, next his secretiveness, the way he ignores me and the way I react to it. It can go on. I feel miserable.

Whats going on? I know I have not given much information but I am happy to provide more if needed.

Thanks for reading!
I don't know if he has any particular women,this looks like he is just having fun without committing to anyone in particular. I still have no evidence if he has cheated on me emotionally and physically.


Very similar to my situation. My wife let herself go, sex 1x month, I don't find her physically hot, and I bought myself a sex toy. This results in Mrs.CuddleBug and I not doing much together, I'm not really interested, distant yup, and we are almost like aqaintences and roommates at times. I could talk to her about all this but she'll just get upset and nothing will really change. Am I having an affair? No.

I am sorry what you found out about him. Sounds like he was seeing someone or at least starting to see someone.

Very inappropriate of him.

If his needs weren't being met, he should of told you and worked it out instead of doing what he is doing.
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post #83 of 304 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 06:48 PM Thread Starter
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Sorry cuddle bug, I don't know why my post looks like that.

Thanks for sharing
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post #84 of 304 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 06:52 PM
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Re: What's going on?

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What is gas lighting?
Gaslighting: What is it? - Marriage AdvocatesMarriage Advocates

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way. -Mark Twain

For the lips of an adulteress drip honey and smoother than oil is her speech. -Proverbs 5:3
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post #85 of 304 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 07:07 PM Thread Starter
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What is gas lighting?
Gaslighting: What is it? - Marriage AdvocatesMarriage Advocates
Oh wow! This is a good read, thank you!

Some of the signs mentioned seems familiar though not that serious.

I am the one always apologising
I has made me feel like I'm confused and imagining things when it's against him.
He denies something he just said when confronted

Gas lighting has been a cause of some of the serious arguments we have had. But I knew I'm pretty much sane.

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post #86 of 304 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 08:34 PM
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Re: What's going on?

I am sad to read what transpired... he has lost himself, do not allow yourself to be sucked into this undertow.

Your path is back to safe and familiar ground... lessons can be taught and lessons can be learned, but neither by the unwilling. I don't normally drift this path, but get home as quickly and as safely as you can where you can legal him 'til he glows, then divorce him in the dark.

You can always rescind if he finds his humble path to you... but time to show him the true meaning of cause and effect.

Do not own his poor choices... you are still the light he needs, may he wake to it quickly but if not, you control the switch.

ETA: loving-kindness mediation your direction for strength and mindfulness... for him, I'll offer the same to remove my grrrrrr.

Last edited by Emerging Buddhist; 02-04-2017 at 08:49 PM. Reason: Mindful ETA...
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post #87 of 304 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 10:24 PM
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Re: What's going on?

Kukabura

I didn't mention in earlier post - I suspected what you have found from what you wrote before my post - It is so sorry to hear what you have found and the pain you are experiencing.

Time will help diminish the severity of your pain

Suggestion - part of getting educated about infidelity

in your browser - search for The Red Pill and cllck on the one for reddit - then search "cheaters script"

it is a version of the "cheaters handbook"

For your future, "May a warm wind fill your sails"
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post #88 of 304 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 09:17 AM
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Re: What's going on?

Kukabura,

It is not easy on a marriage being apart for a year, the reality is that men (and women) have needs. I wonder how did you make the decision for him to go away for the year without you and his kids?

It may be that he has not done anything just messed around (though I highly doubt it), and it would depend on where your line is. For me messing around and flirting is already crossing the point of no return.

You avoid him too, until and unless he comes to you, continue with your plan. Leave when he is at work.
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post #89 of 304 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 10:31 AM
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Re: What's going on?

How are you Kukabura? Hope you are making your plans?
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post #90 of 304 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 10:41 AM
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Re: What's going on?

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Originally Posted by Kukabura View Post
He has made me feel like I'm confused and imagining things when it's against him.
He denies something he just said when confronted

Gas lighting has been a cause of some of the serious arguments we have had. But I knew I'm pretty much sane.
Yep, that's gaslighting. He came there and liked the 'new life' he has there with all the women and sex, but at the same time, he hates himself for liking it, so he takes it out on you because he can't face himself.

I hope you're on your way home now.
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