What's going on? - Page 7 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #91 of 304 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 11:06 AM
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Re: What's going on?

When men get mad at their wives it is because they have deep seated anger toward her. And they are not capable of hiding this contempt. Willing to be nice.

You did nothing wrong that we can see here.

He is angry about being tied down. He is having the time of his life with very aggressive and available women.

Before I got married and while in the military, I spent a lot of time in Southeast Asia, Vietnam, Laos, Thailand and did a R&R in Hong Kong.

Wow....women there are not like women here.

I think he has gotten in deep with many Asian women. About six inches deep.

Your' arriving with the children shut down his party times. And IMHO that is why is angry.

I do hope I am wrong.

Sorry.


This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #92 of 304 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 05:27 AM
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Re: What's going on?

Kukabura, How are you?
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post #93 of 304 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 05:36 AM Thread Starter
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Thanks all. We reached home safe. I booked tickets and told him I'm moving back, he wanted to fly with us to ensure we reach safely. I said "no need".

He insisted on coming with us to the airport and I didn't stop him. I'm angry with him but I'm not ever going deny my children of his love. We have only spoken a few words.

He had arranged for his mother and brother to pick us from airport. They seem to sense something is wrong but did not ask me anything. I have contacted my ex boss regarding going back to work and I just need to decide on a date.

Millions of imaginary scenarios are running through my mind last few days and have painted such gross picture in my heart. I'm more angry about the lying than what he might have done.

We have wasted so much money on the travelling. The reason we agreed to him travelling for work is I wanted to be a SAHM after our second child. At that time he was offered a promotion and huge pay. I was meant to join him earlier but didn't dare to with infant. He missed us so much and will fly back frequently. I have clearly mentioned to him that cheating and lying are deal breakers since we started dating. And before he left for overseas I did research and freak out at the possibility of cheating. He assured me no way he can touch another women in his life and that he has no need for that. We have talked about it in length before committing.
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post #94 of 304 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 05:46 AM Thread Starter
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I don't know how this is going to end but no way on earth will I live with him if he has cheated on me emotionally or physically. If he has just been messing around then he better have a bloody good reason and earn my trust again. I don't know how the hell is that possible.
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post #95 of 304 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 05:50 AM
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Re: What's going on?

You took the most important step by leaving. You can do this.
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post #96 of 304 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 05:53 AM Thread Starter
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Oh did I mention? He still acted like as if I have done something very wrong till we left. No talking, no eye contact, no explanation. I feel like sending him an email to ask what heck is going on?
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post #97 of 304 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 05:58 AM
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Re: What's going on?

Kukabura, you sound like a strong person, you will need that strength in the next few months.
You should tell his family and friends exactly what you found, you do not want to leave yourself open to his rewriting of the story later, believe me he will try and paint you out to be the one who could not adjust to the new country so he does not lose face with family and friends, etc. His family may well still stand by him but they must know, do not cover for him.

Did you try and talk to him at all? Or did he just gas light you?

Start doing the 180 on him, no contact, no phone calls. If he calls to speak to his kids, hand the phone over. Let him see what he actions have led to.

Ask your friend back in the SE country whether she could organise a PI to follow your WH and take photos/evidence, they may come handy in the future and help you make decisions as you seem to be sitting on the fence.

He is treating you in an abdominal manner, to know he has been caught and still try and cover it up and pretend nothing is happening says alot about his character. I am so sorry.

Get a lawyer when you get back and see what your options are. Make sure from now on your record everything he says to you. I suspect it could get messy for you.

Dont forget the STD test.

He will either have a 'come to Jesus' moment and try and salvage the marriage or be glad that you have gone home and revert to his previous activities. He may well think that he can waltz back into your lives, make sure he knows he cannot.

Some western men come to SE Asia and are like kids in a sweetie shop because of the women here. Unfortunately, many get ensnared, dump their families and end up with some skank who only wants them for their money and a visa, they soon discover this after they are already stuck (seen it happen many times and heard many stories, my heart goes out to the families not the men, let them suffer on I say).

Stay the course, get yourself some IC and a few good supportive friends.
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post #98 of 304 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 06:01 AM
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Re: What's going on?

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Originally Posted by Kukabura View Post
Oh did I mention? He still acted like as if I have done something very wrong till we left. No talking, no eye contact, no explanation. I feel like sending him an email to ask what heck is going on?
Don't do it.

Let him wonder. No matter the front he may be putting up, this has impacted him.

Stick with the 180.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #99 of 304 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 06:12 AM
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Re: What's going on?

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Don't do it.

Let him wonder. No matter the front he may be putting up, this has impacted him.

Stick with the 180.
I think he is posturing, and doesn't know what to do or his head is so much in the fog he thinks if Kuka is out of the picture he can figure out what to do or maybe things will settle down and go back to the way they were. He doesn't realise the Kukabura is not going to simply settle down and rug sweep (at least I hope not).
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post #100 of 304 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 06:30 AM Thread Starter
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I have to mention this about him, he is usually shy around women, whenever we have conflict does not talk to solve the problem and wait till I make the move regardless of whether he is right or wrong. Once we feel better he will not want to talk about it anymore.

Any thoughts on if his personality makes everything worst. I sound like I'm finding excuses for his action but I'm actually trying make sure I'm being fair in the way I portray him to get best advise.

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post #101 of 304 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 07:33 AM
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Re: What's going on?

He screwed up.

If he can't stand stepping out of his comfort zone, with humility and honesty, to make this right, then he has not earned a shot at reconciliation.

"Husband, until you can be honest and humble about how you have betrayed our family, we have nothing to discuss regarding our marriage, except for the possibility of ending it."

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #102 of 304 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 07:52 AM
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Re: What's going on?

So he's a shy, nonaggressive, probably insecure guy who never felt he could get the girls. At that point, getting you seemed like a win for him. Then he moved, and I'm sure his new work buddies showed him the town, and showed him how easy it is to get girls over there, and that thing he wanted so much as a teenage boy - girls flocking to him - happened, and he couldn't get enough of it. And now he hates himself for being so weak, so he does what many of us do: hurt the one we know chose us because it seems safe to do so. But he learned too late that it was NOT safe to turn this on you. If he had just been honest, you'd probably still be together.
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post #103 of 304 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 10:37 AM
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Re: What's going on?

You're doing everything right, Kukabura. Keep contact to a minimum--talk only about the kids and logistics. When the kids video chat with him, you will be out of the room and should not be roped into any face-to-face conversations. Explain to him that all contact should be via email, and only about the kids or finances.

My guess is that he's going to have a "OMG WHAT THE HELL HAVE I DONE?" moment in the coming weeks. This will be followed by halfhearted apologies and blameshifting. You need to be tough, resilient, and make sure he faces exactly what he has done and assumes all responsibility. Over time, you can gauge how sincere and committed he is.

I once spent 10 days alone in a hotel in a foreign country, spending my days with work colleagues and evenings going out with people I didn't care about. I was miserable--I wanted my wife there so badly. He's only begun to understand how empty this will feel.

At this point, you should also speak with a lawyer, just to understand your rights.
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post #104 of 304 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 05:18 AM Thread Starter
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He texted that he has moved out and have sent the maids back. He is in the hotel again. I tried my best not to reply but lost it. Told him I care nothing about what he is doing anymore. I know why he treated me badly and that I hated myself for living with a lier. He replied that I'm always jumping into conclusions and accusing him, he did nothing to betray me, he had not cheated on me and he only wanted to keep me from worrying for nothing. He says that he is offended that I think he will even touch those cheap women.
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post #105 of 304 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 06:04 AM
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Re: What's going on?

Gaslighting. Don't let him convince you that your eyes were lying to you.

Repeated for emphasis:

"Husband, until you can be honest and humble about how you have betrayed our family, we have nothing to discuss regarding our marriage, except for the possibility of ending it."

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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