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post #106 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 06:16 AM
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Re: What's going on?

He is backpeddling furiously and trying to make you seem as if you are the one who is crazy, classic gaslighting. I wonder how he can explain his terrible treatment of you, his reluctance to introduce you to his colleagues, his willingness to let you go back home.

When they try and turn it over on you comments like 'you are accusing me' 'i haven't crossed a line' 'i have done nothing wrong' etc these are all cheater speak.

He will hope you will settle down and it will all go away. Tell his family, do NOT let him gaslight you into accepting what he says, your gut did not lie.

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post #107 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 02:20 PM Thread Starter
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His mother and brother came yesterday. I told her what has happened. As expected she said "oh really?, that's what happens when you work in poor countries alone" she did not empathise with me at all, she went on to say her son always doesn't speak much and keeps his worries to himself. She wishes he will quit his job and come back home. Wants me to urge him before he is taken for good. I said he is not a child and let him decide what he wants. She agreed he would have lied but thinks I need to pull the family back together for kids. She keeps saying she believes her son would have done nothing wrong. It must be the bad company. She is very worried "for her son" not one word to make me feel better. Anyway I expect nothing less. His brother didn't say anything. She stresses me more
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post #108 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 02:32 PM Thread Starter
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Oh she said I need to take care of my looks. My H is good looking and in shape, I'm not glamorous but people always say I have a pretty face. I'm petite but have put on some pounds around the waist after child birth. MILs comment on my looks has offended me. This why I took so long to tell her.
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post #109 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 02:43 PM
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Re: What's going on?

What a piece of work your MIL is.

Ignore everything she just told you. She is part of the problem.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #110 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 03:02 PM
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Re: What's going on?

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Originally Posted by Kukabura View Post
H He says that he is offended that I think he will even touch those cheap women.
He says they are cheap because he knows this through experience.

If this marriage is ever to continue, he would need to take a lie-detector test. A poly-graph to see if he is living the poly lifestyle.

If he has not cheated then he is mostly guilty of disrespect to you. Not having your back.

I would be surprised if he did not fall for at least one of those sirens. But without an admission of guilt then you can only presume.

Presume in this case is a bag full of stuffed hotties. Collectively, they are dense flesh, very heavy, indeed, in deed and in fantasy.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #111 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 03:37 PM
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Re: What's going on?

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Originally Posted by Kukabura View Post
Oh she said I need to take care of my looks. My H is good looking and in shape, I'm not glamorous but people always say I have a pretty face. I'm petite but have put on some pounds around the waist after child birth. MILs comment on my looks has offended me. This why I took so long to tell her.
Kukabura,
I just want you to know that I am impressed with how you have handled this very difficult situation. I'm glad that you have resisted the temptation of trying to keep your family together by allowing your husband to treat you with such disrespect. No matter how difficult being a single mother may be, you do not need your husband back. Aside from his recent behavior with other women - keeping you in the dark - then gas lighting you, he has previously had difficulties with honesty and has a bad temper. Do yourself a favor and stay away from this person.
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post #112 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 02:46 AM
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Re: What's going on?

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His mother and brother came yesterday. I told her what has happened. As expected she said "oh really?, that's what happens when you work in poor countries alone" she did not empathise with me at all, she went on to say her son always doesn't speak much and keeps his worries to himself. She wishes he will quit his job and come back home. Wants me to urge him before he is taken for good. I said he is not a child and let him decide what he wants. She agreed he would have lied but thinks I need to pull the family back together for kids. She keeps saying she believes her son would have done nothing wrong. It must be the bad company. She is very worried "for her son" not one word to make me feel better. Anyway I expect nothing less. His brother didn't say anything. She stresses me more
Your MIL sounds awful! Of course blame it on the wife.
Your H is probably a typical mammas boy who can do no wrong. It is likely he has been brought up with a sense of entitlement and lack of any clue as to what it means to be responsible for ones own actions.
You have told her, let her feast on that for a while but from here on out do not let her know anything about what you are planning to do. Do not let her engage you with this subject, she can see the kids but that is it.
I hope you have some close friends you can lean on and share with?
I hope you get your old job back so that you can keep occupied, who will look after the children?
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post #113 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 04:47 AM Thread Starter
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Thanks for the support and advice everyone.

I know his mother so no surprises. Well I married him knowing he lies but not to this extend. When I first met my mil she did tell me "he lies so be careful". My H has been a great husband apart from his inability to own his mistakes and apologize in time until I joined him. Everything vanished after I moved in with him overseas. Well anyway, the way he ignored me and the things he has hidden from me is good enough for me to leave him.
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post #114 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 04:51 AM Thread Starter
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I have no plans to update mil anything. My mother is coming to stay with me for a few months. My kids will go to day care with me. I'm a day care director. Not something I wanted for them till the second one is 3 but I have no choice now.
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post #115 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 04:57 AM Thread Starter
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Turnera, he was a very attractive man when we first met. I know some girls who badly wanted him because he was that mysterious, handsome gentleman every girl dreams of. But too bad behind the mystery lies loads of lies probably. But I can't discount the husband he has been before this whole thing started. I do miss the husband he was before he went overseas.

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post #116 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 06:43 AM
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Re: What's going on?

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Turnera, he was a very attractive man when we first met. I know some girls who badly wanted him because he was that mysterious, handsome gentleman every girl dreams of. But too bad behind the mystery lies loads of lies probably. But I can't discount the husband he has been before this whole thing started. I do miss the husband he was before he went overseas.
Was he that good of a husband, or was your image of him mistaken?

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #117 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 07:51 AM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kukabura View Post
Turnera, he was a very attractive man when we first met. I know some girls who badly wanted him because he was that mysterious, handsome gentleman every girl dreams of. But too bad behind the mystery lies loads of lies probably. But I can't discount the husband he has been before this whole thing started. I do miss the husband he was before he went overseas.
Was he that good of a husband, or was your image of him mistaken?
Well I didn't have much expectations before marriage so I definitely think he was a good husband. I always get my morning coffee ready when I wake up, always puts me before his family, treats my mother with utmost kindness, shares all chores and does more than me sometimes, has never ever shown disrespect except the little lies and some gaslighting. Treats all his subordinates well regardless of their position. Helps friends, family and colleagues in financial distress, has never been jeolous, if I say I like something he will try his best to get it for me, he supported me 6 years through my bachelor to masters degree without a complaint. These are some that comes to mind. It may not be good enough for some but I can't make him look like a monster husband. But what he has been doing to me last few months is unacceptable and I'm not happy at all.
Well all these before the indifference started.
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post #118 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 07:55 AM Thread Starter
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I have wrote to him a very very long email demanding answer to all my questions. I have put in every incident. Have told him that I will see a lawyer if he doesn't reply in two days.
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post #119 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 07:59 AM
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Re: What's going on?

What were the little lies covering up?

What would he do when he had to be honest about something big?

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #120 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 08:29 AM
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Re: What's going on?

Just another mom that thinks her son is the best thing since sliced bread and can do no wrong. The fault is all yours because your looks aren't in tip top shape. Yeah, right. Don't accept any of that nonsense.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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