What's going on? - Page 9 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #121 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 08:32 AM
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Re: What's going on?

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Originally Posted by Kukabura View Post
I have wrote to him a very very long email demanding answer to all my questions. I have put in every incident. Have told him that I will see a lawyer if he doesn't reply in two days.
Don't be surprised if you get no reply.

Or, it'll be a reply with lots of waffling, blameshifting, and gaslighting. Know your standards on your expected quality of his reply and if he doesn't meet it, talk with your lawyer.


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post #122 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 08:34 AM Thread Starter
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What were the little lies covering up?

What would he do when he had to be honest about something big?
He smokes in the toilet and when asked he would say "no"

Meets with friends has a few drinks comes home and denies

Buys me a gift for 500 but tells me it's 200

Gives a friend a huge amount of money and doesn't tell me

Goes to supermarket forgets to buy nappies and says I did not mention.

These are the kinds I have had arguments with him but there are more like jokes making up a fake story to emphasize a point but often laughs it off.
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post #123 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 08:54 AM
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Re: What's going on?

So you became his mother.
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post #124 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 09:01 AM
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Re: What's going on?

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Originally Posted by Kukabura View Post
He smokes in the toilet and when asked he would say "no"

Meets with friends has a few drinks comes home and denies

Buys me a gift for 500 but tells me it's 200

Gives a friend a huge amount of money and doesn't tell me

Goes to supermarket forgets to buy nappies and says I did not mention.

These are the kinds I have had arguments with him but there are more like jokes making up a fake story to emphasize a point but often laughs it off.
He sounds like a jerk, even when he wasn't cheating. You're better off without him.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #125 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 10:39 AM
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Re: What's going on?

You need to contact a lawyer regardless. Are you really thinking of staying married to him???

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #126 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 01:38 PM Thread Starter
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You need to contact a lawyer regardless. Are you really thinking of staying married to him???
No I need to know actually what happened before I make my decision
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post #127 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 02:03 PM Thread Starter
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Unbelievable, he replied. He had answered each one of my question.

First he apologizes for the way I feel. He says he doesn't know what do do and how to solve this. He says he is ashamed but maintains he has not cheated on me emotionally or physically.

His reason for behaving badly after I joined him is something I did not expect. He says I treated him poorly after our second child. I kept blaming him for everything that went wrong from the decision join him to getting maids ( I was very frustrated that he did not prepare the maids before we arrived and I had to ferry around the third world to get maids). He says he wanted to share with me about his colleagues but he decided not to after he noticed I can't deal with his best friends affair. He basically felt like I had post partum after our second and that I was the one who changed not him. But for the first time he says he takes the blame for everything because he could have dealt with it all differently but he did not. He says he has been too egoistic.

Regarding the office pictures, he acknowledges that there are lots of things he has not told me but keeps assuring that he did not do anything to cheat me. There are some parties he has to attend as they were organised by his bosses. He says he usually just stays around for a while and leaves. He says having a affair and cheating does not take more than a minute of temptation here but he says he knows the reason taking up this job. He says during Christmas he has told his boss to post him back home as he does not like it here.

I had to continue in my next post
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post #128 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 02:09 PM
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Re: What's going on?

Well, that's a start. Do you think he's telling the truth? And if he asked his boss to post him back home over Christmas, why didn't he tell you? Is there any update on the progress of that?

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #129 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 02:29 PM Thread Starter
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He says he will not be able to live without us and is willing to do anything. He says I need to understand that my anger issues after the second child pushed him away. Throughout the mail he mentions he takes full responsibility for what has happened.

He ended the it with "I'm tendering resignation with immediate effect.

I m so confused. I don't know if I should believe him. I did not reply. I need details but still I don't know if the pain I feel will ever go away. It's more painful today than ever
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post #130 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 02:57 PM
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Re: What's going on?

It sounds to me like he's willing to do whatever it takes, and I don't think you're ready to divorce over this. He's willing to quit his job for your marriage. That's pretty significant.

You can ask him for more details, if that's what you need.


~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #131 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 04:22 PM
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Re: What's going on?

His resignation is a teeny tiny start. I am doubtful he will follow through though. He's telling you what you want to hear right now. He doesn't think you're going to do anything in the long run, because you haven't in the past.

He can SAY whatever he wants, but you've already established he's a liar and a cheat. Why do you believe him??

Also, you are NEVER going to KNOW what happened. All you will know is what the liar tells you. Even if you DO find out everything, you will always think there's more. Even if there isn't. Why put yourself through THAT?

You REALLY need to see a lawyer and get D started.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #132 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 04:24 PM
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Re: What's going on?

Not buying it.

Blaming you?

"Husband, fixing this starts with your honesty and humility. Blaming your actions on anything else besides your own choices tells me you currently possess neither."

Don't fall for it.

This is how things get swept under the rug.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #133 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 04:31 PM
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Re: What's going on?

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Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
Not buying it.
Don't fall for it.

This is how things get swept under the rug.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #134 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 09:55 PM
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Re: What's going on?

I'll be in the minority and say this is plausible. Marriages go through troughs and you've had one. People push each other away at times. A couple needs to be resilient and listen. I don't know what happened but you sound like you are on a path to find out and see if you can work through this


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post #135 of 305 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 10:11 PM
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Re: What's going on?

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Originally Posted by TheTruthHurts View Post
I'll be in the minority and say this is plausible. Marriages go through troughs and you've had one. People push each other away at times. A couple needs to be resilient and listen. I don't know what happened but you sound like you are on a path to find out and see if you can work through this
I agree, so we can be a minority of two.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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