What's going on? - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #1 of 305 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 04:33 AM Thread Starter
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What's going on?

This is weird that I have to type my life on a forum. Thanks to anyone who will provide some clarity.

Married for 10 years with 2 young kids. Recently relocated to another country (DH moved for work first and we joined a couple of months ago).

Where to start??? Well, something has changed, he has changed, life seems different and miserableble all of a sudden.

He has gone from a caring husband to distant aquaintance. We do not talk much at all, he looks serious and uninterested.

I am trying my best to keep it together and try to engage with him but its not working. In addition to this, there are bunch of things I am unhappy about. First his close colleague, next his secretiveness, the way he ignores me and the way I react to it. It can go on. I feel miserable.

Whats going on? I know I have not given much information but I am happy to provide more if needed.

Thanks for reading!

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post #2 of 305 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 04:44 AM Thread Starter
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Re: What's going on?

Most of the days I feel like he is cheating on me but I have no proof, just the gut feeling.
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post #3 of 305 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 05:45 AM
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Re: What's going on?

Welcome Kukabura

You've done the right thing coming here first, always trust your gut instinct as that in itself is a red flag to something being wrong.
You say you're concerned regarding your H and his closeness to a work colleague, can you expand on that a little?

Just because your husband seems miserable could mean he may be going through issues, depression, mid life crisis (MLC) and so on.

Would you say he's disengaged from you emotionally recently ? has your sex life dipped or improved from before?

You need to start doing some sleuthing to be honest, firstly,
Do you have access to his phone bills? if so look through them and see if any number is appearing a lot more than others.
Do you have access to his phone or does he keep it guarded? (red flag)
Is he away from home with work, or coming home later than normal / have more meetings and so on.
Can you access any of his social media platforms, facebook, twitter, whats app and the like.
Go though your joint bank account, any of the transactions look suspicious ? Ditto if he gets a statement home from his own bank account.

A few other practical suggestions would be to purchase a VAR - Voice activated Recorder, place it in the car underneath his seat (if you can get access)

Always trust your gut, and begin to dig.

Good luck


Im sure a few others will chip in, but these are the things that should be checked

'You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice.'
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“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.”
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post #4 of 305 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 06:44 AM
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Re: What's going on?

Lets first read the marriage barometer. How many times during an average month (in the current year) do ya'll have sex.

If you don't embody controversy, what you say will become just another part of the media driven culture of stifling thought and debate about issues.
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post #5 of 305 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 09:21 AM
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Re: What's going on?

Sex is a weird one to judge by. Depression & stress can effect sex MORE than infidelity! I've heard many say that sex INCREASES during an affair.


Firstly, I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. 10 years & young kids, ugh! that is a common one. I moved from UK too USA for my husband's career. He became distant & cold. As time progressed I was living with an Alien. I couldn't believe that MY HUSBAND could be that man...but he was!

My H works in IT. That made it incredibly hard to find what was going on. They had created a 'secret account', to this day I've never been able to get into it. I just have to take his word that it's closed.

In the end he had bought her Mothers Day flowers & although he checked the box for no communication they bombarded his email (linked to PayPal) & he didn't delete fast enough. Is he the sort of man to buy gifts? Take it slow & 'date' her a lot? Straight to hotel? All of these things leave a trace somewhere. Check for other PayPal, Amazon accounts. Check his phone...often 'she' will be listed under a fake/male name.

To be writing on a forum your gut instincts must be going crazy. Really think about it...do you know who 'she' is? Once I thought, I just knew.

Do you know about what time he goes to lunch? You could simply park & watch him leave. Workplace affairs are stupid! They think that no-one knows BUT colegues do!! What about a surprise visit for lunch? If your marriage is drifting apart it would be a 'nice' thing to do anyway.

I'm so sorry. I've felt isolated & lost in a foreign country away from all my family & friends. It's horrible. I've watched my husband change. I've wondered if it's the new culture, new work mates. I've suffered the devastation of the impossible coming true. I'm so very sorry.
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post #6 of 305 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 11:04 AM
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Re: What's going on?

I relocated my family to a foreign country to work for a few months. Working in a different culture with strangers adds a whole new layer of stress to an already-stressful job. This could be the cause of his change in mood.

If you suspect an affair, I would start investigating before you make any accusations. Is he "working late" a lot? Does he ever go out with work friends on weekends or evenings? Are you able to get access to his phone without him knowing?
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post #7 of 305 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 11:19 AM
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Re: What's going on?

Was the new job by choice or was it something he was forced to take? It has happened a few times to me where the boss comes to me and says "Your job has been abolished. Here is a new job we are offering you. Take it or there's the door." Being forced to take a new job is a hard thing to deal with. Sit him down and talk to him. Tell him how you are feeling. Maybe he hates his new job and it is stressing him out.

How long was he there alone before you and the kids joined him?
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post #8 of 305 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 11:25 AM
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Re: What's going on?

One thing not mentioned yet: do NOT mention your suspicions to your husband. If he IS cheating, and you confront him, he will go further underground and he will be even harder to catch/get proof.

Please post more info, as other posters have requested. It will better help us help you.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #9 of 305 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 05:28 PM
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Re: What's going on?

First of all, what makes you think he may be cheating? You mentioned his 'secretiveness' and something about a co worker. Is the co worker female? Does he guard his phone? Is there unaccounted-for time periods? Have you caught him in any outright lies about anything at all? Have you checked any phone, bank or email records yet? Are there unaccounted-for cash or credit card purchases?

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.


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post #10 of 305 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 05:48 PM
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Re: What's going on?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kukabura View Post
This is weird that I have to type my life on a forum. Thanks to anyone who will provide some clarity.

Married for 10 years with 2 young kids. Recently relocated to another country (DH moved for work first and we joined a couple of months ago).

Where to start??? Well, something has changed, he has changed, life seems different and miserableble all of a sudden.

He has gone from a caring husband to distant aquaintance. We do not talk much at all, he looks serious and uninterested.

I am trying my best to keep it together and try to engage with him but its not working. In addition to this, there are bunch of things I am unhappy about. First his close colleague, next his secretiveness, the way he ignores me and the way I react to it. It can go on. I feel miserable.

Whats going on? I know I have not given much information but I am happy to provide more if needed.

Thanks for reading!
How long was he there without his family?


Holes burn deep in your chest,
Raked by machine gun fire.
Screaming soul sent out to die,
Living mandatory suicide.
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post #11 of 305 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 05:51 PM
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Re: What's going on?

@Kukabura he could be depressed.


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post #12 of 305 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 06:01 PM
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Re: What's going on?

Yes, we can give you are tremendous amount of info, but first we need the answers to all the questions that have been asked of you thus far so we can help you.

Getting a VAR for his car is one step I would recommend immediately even without your answers yet.

Ciao,

Spicy
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post #13 of 305 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 09:54 PM
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Re: What's going on?

Kukabura,
so sorry you are in this place, it is difficult enough moving from one country to another and all that brings in terms of adjusting without having to deal with this also.
You H may be withdrawn for a number of reasons

1. Depending on how long you have been apart he may have got used to living the single life, now he has to readjust to you and the kids being there and the conflict between balancing work and family life has thrown him off kilter.
2. he may be struggling in his new job, new position. Dealing with new colleagues, changing role, the different cultural aspects, etc can be very daunting and he may be very afraid of failure. Some men are reluctant to let their wives know this is happening as they see their respponsibility to support the family and maybe he is afraid of failure - it happens

You have not indicated whether you have moved from and to, I thought maybe Australia to Asia somewhere. If the move was by a western expat to an Asian country there is a bigger chance of infidelity. How old are you and your H?

3. Your gut is telling you something is not right, (more often than not, your gut is the best guage)
Therefore follow the advice given here, do not let your H suspect anything that you know, feel, etc, act normal
a. start digging discretely (check pockets, phone, computer, etc)
b. keep a log of his time leaving for work, his return, names he mentions, times, meetings, people, etc.
c. try to get to know people from his office, make sure you go to any work functions, ask to be invited (colleagues can be a useful measure of what is happening, due to how they react to you)
d. tell a close friend/sister etc what you are going through, you need the emotional support esp if you are in a foreign country
e. join the group of expat ladies (usually will be one for your country), they all know everything that is going on, try to join those whose husbands work for the same company as your husband, you'll need them on your side, befriend them
f. make use of social media, if your H uses FB etc, you may be able to see who has he added to his friends in the last few months since moving
g. For the time being lie low, do not arouse his suspicions, observe, listen, record
h. If he drives his own car (not with a driver) place a VAR in the car, surprise him for lunch when kids are in kindie, invite his colleagues for dinner, do as much as you can to place yourself in his social circle.
Too often new expat wives have no idea who, what , where he is and whom he is with.
Does your husband travel for his work?

You have to remain calm, assertive, til l you know more and for definite, do not confront at this juncture as you have no evidence, it would be a big mistake.

Last edited by aine; 01-27-2017 at 09:56 PM. Reason: add
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post #14 of 305 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 10:21 PM
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Re: What's going on?

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Originally Posted by ShatteredStill View Post
Sex is a weird one to judge by. Depression & stress can effect sex MORE than infidelity! I've heard many say that sex INCREASES during an affair.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that changes in the frequency of sex is necessarily indicative of an affair. (although it can very well be) I'm saying if he wants it and she ain't giving it up a couple of times a week, he may go looking elsewhere. The overall health of the marriage and the satisfaction with one's spouse can be judged by the health of their sex life. I know what some are going to say. They are going to say that sex ain't critically important for a happy marriage. For the spouse that wants it and getting perennially rejected by their mate, it is.

If you don't embody controversy, what you say will become just another part of the media driven culture of stifling thought and debate about issues.
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post #15 of 305 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 10:40 PM
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Re: What's going on?

Sorry to hear about that. Something similar happened to me. I moved 2,000 miles away, leaving my wife to sell the house and eventually come and join me. That took about 4 months and I got lonely and started dating my secretary and then a girl in a company we did business with. I just got used to not being married and when my wife came, I behaved as your husband did. My wife was miserable and cried that she wanted to go home. I felt real bad and told her about the girl I had been dating but no more. I asked my boss to transfer me back home because it was destroying our marriage. Two months later we were transferred close to our old city and all was well again.

I cheated because my first fiancee and the girlfriend after her but right before my wife, cheated. The guys I worked with were cheating. My boss was cheating and I felt like cheating was part of marriage. You take your vow of fidelity with a wink and a nod knowing that more than half of spouses cheat. I was young. I got married when I was 21. I just bought a house and was a clerk for 10 months and then made a branch manager and I had no idea of how to do that. It was overwhelming for me and I got really lonely and what started as just asking a girl to lunch for female conversation and companionship ended up becoming more and more by the time my wife arrived. I had gotten used to being single again and my wife was homesick and I did not help matters at all.

I can feel for you. Have you communicated your concerns and unhappiness to your husband? Sometimes spouses do not ask because they are afraid of the answer. It is important to communicate with your husband for your own sake as well as the sake of your marriage. I wish you luck and just know that we got it back together again and just passed our 44th year of marriage.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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