My friends affair - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 226 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 11:55 AM Thread Starter
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My friends affair

My friend disclosed to me recently that she had a 6 month affair. She was caught and they are dealing with the consequences. I am 100% against affairs, but when she told me about it I couldn't help feel so sorry for her. (Yes she was wrong and I feel bad for him obviously, but I know her on a personal level and she is so in love with her husband and works her butt off to be a good mother/wife/provider).

They have 4 kids. She is beautiful and cares about her looks. She works full time plus goes to school full time, he works full time also. She had always told me since I've known her that she always initiates sex. They had great sex but it was only because she initiated, she told him about how it bothered her but he never changed or stuck to making more of an effort. She was getting denied a lot by him to the point of making her feel like a pervert. One day she initiated again and he snapped and said geez you need medication! After that something in her died. The next day when she ran into an old friend that he hasn't seen in a while, and she said... Katie, he looked at me in a way that I haven't been looked at in a long time. I don't know why but this broke my heart. And that was the beginning of their affair.

I know that this goes both ways, male and female. But I think it's so easy to become "roommates" and have such a routine life with each other that we often forget to look at our spouse as our beautiful, sexy, playmates so to speak. We just become moms and dads and whatever. As a women I know it's so important to feel desired and hot by my husband. Idk where I am going with this but I think it's a common problem with marriages... we stop dating each other.

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post #2 of 226 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 12:00 PM
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Re: My friends affair

This is almost like looking into the future.
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post #3 of 226 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 12:04 PM
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Re: My friends affair

Yes the husband was severely lacking in his duties and was asking for big trouble.

doesnt excuse the affair, but the advice is totally valid.

never take your spouses for granted.

realize what a privalege and sacred thing it is to be married.

never forget. Remind yourself every day.
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post #4 of 226 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 12:13 PM
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Re: My friends affair

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
My friend disclosed to me recently that she had a 6 month affair. She was caught and they are dealing with the consequences. I am 100% against affairs, but when she told me about it I couldn't help feel so sorry for her. (Yes she was wrong and I feel bad for him obviously, but I know her on a personal level and she is so in love with her husband and works her butt off to be a good mother/wife/provider).

They have 4 kids. She is beautiful and cares about her looks. She works full time plus goes to school full time, he works full time also. She had always told me since I've known her that she always initiates sex. They had great sex but it was only because she initiated, she told him about how it bothered her but he never changed or stuck to making more of an effort. She was getting denied a lot by him to the point of making her feel like a pervert. One day she initiated again and he snapped and said geez you need medication! After that something in her died. The next day when she ran into an old friend that he hasn't seen in a while, and she said... Katie, he looked at me in a way that I haven't been looked at in a long time. I don't know why but this broke my heart. And that was the beginning of their affair
.

I know that this goes both ways, male and female. But I think it's so easy to become "roommates" and have such a routine life with each other that we often forget to look at our spouse as our beautiful, sexy, playmates so to speak. We just become moms and dads and whatever. As a women I know it's so important to feel desired and hot by my husband. Idk where I am going with this but I think it's a common problem with marriages... we stop dating each other.
And this is one of the reasons for breakups.Maybe if your friend had talked to her husband instead of "revealing"herself to you and probably a few more friends she wouldn't need to screw around on her husband and children.This always baffles me and was the cause of my own engagement ending,women telling their friends everything about their partners private lives and then can't understand why their partners pull away and refuse to communicate.She got caught,she didn't confess.You are painting a picture of some poor lost soul who was in such pain she could only relieve it by dropping her knickers for another man.Ffs she had four children,she must have been having some sex at least with the poor sap she left at home taking care of her kids while she fcuked around.
Also this wonderful mother/wife/provider is only looking for sympathy,of course she is going to paint her husband in as bad a light as she can.She is obviously an educated woman if she is going to school,she knew exactly what she was getting into,please do not believe this sympathy seeking bs..She jumped into bed at the first opportunity,got caught after six months (probably a lot longer)but is still so much in love with her husband.Did you actually read this after you wrote it?

Last edited by Andy1001; 01-28-2017 at 12:40 PM.
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post #5 of 226 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 12:26 PM
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Re: My friends affair

How old is she? How old is her husband?

Does such deep love as you describe exist where infidelity exists?

Hormones are the cause of these desires. They aren't wrong.

Does she have a history of rash decisions prior to, during or directly after menstruation?

Has her drive soared in recent years? How much did she talk to you about her marital sex life before this?

Was she satisfied with her love life at some point in her life with her husband or was she not so sure when she married him, but thought she should try because of his potential?

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
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post #6 of 226 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 12:28 PM
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Re: My friends affair

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post #7 of 226 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 12:31 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My friends affair

She has talked to her husband multiple times about their sex life, there was no secret there. What do you do when you talked to your husband about not being happy with your sex life, wanting him to initiate more and he doesn't change. I get that she is 100% wrong. But when he snapped at her and told her she needs to be put on medication because she tried to initiate sex from her husband who she loves and is super attracted to and they haven't had sex in months... I mean he said that like there is something wrong with her. You needs meds? Really because I want to have sex with my husband?

They went to therapy. They decided to stay together. This happened last year, she told me this week for the first time. Their marriage is still a struggle, and their sex life is still absent and pretty much the same as before.
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post #8 of 226 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 12:32 PM
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Re: My friends affair

So her husband didn't lust after her and she felt rejected by him.
Understandable but she could have talked with him instead of giving into temptation.

Who was looking after the kids when she was with her AP?

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post #9 of 226 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 12:34 PM
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Re: My friends affair

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And this is one of the reasons for breakups.Maybe if your friend had talked to her husband instead of "revealing"herself to you and probably a few more friends she wouldn't need to screw around on her husband and children.This always baffles me and was the cause of my own engagement ending,women telling their friends everything about their partners private lives and then can't understand why their partners pull away and refuse to communicate.She got caught,she didn't confess.You are painting a picture of some poor lost soul who was in such pain she could only relieve it by dropping her knickers for another man.Ffs she had four children,she must have been having some sex at least with the poor sap she left at home taking care of her kids while she fcuked around.
The OP stated that her friend did talk to her husband about the issue and he chose to make no changes.
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post #10 of 226 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 12:37 PM
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Re: My friends affair

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Even though the rate of incompatibility as a couple was dwindling fast,she acted in haste for seeking attention from his old aquitance. To my view all options of re igniting passion in their bedroom were not yet exhausted.

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post #11 of 226 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 12:40 PM
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Re: My friends affair

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So her husband didn't lust after her and she felt rejected by him.
Understandable but she could have talked with him instead of giving into temptation.
Apparently she did talk to her husband about it.

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
They had great sex but it was only because she initiated, she told him about how it bothered her but he never changed or stuck to making more of an effort. She was getting denied a lot by him to the point of making her feel like a pervert. One day she initiated again and he snapped and said geez you need medication!
Sometimes a person can talk to their spouse about something that is a problem but the spouse just does not care to address the problem. I had that happen in my marriages. There is nothing you can do to make another person change when that person could care less about meeting your needs.

I'm not justifying her affair. But I thin it's important to recognize that she did talk to her husband about it and he refused to deal with the issue.
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post #12 of 226 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 12:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My friends affair

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And this is one of the reasons for breakups.Maybe if your friend had talked to her husband instead of "revealing"herself to you and probably a few more friends she wouldn't need to screw around on her husband and children.This always baffles me and was the cause of my own engagement ending,women telling their friends everything about their partners private lives and then can't understand why their partners pull away and refuse to communicate.She got caught,she didn't confess.You are painting a picture of some poor lost soul who was in such pain she could only relieve it by dropping her knickers for another man.Ffs she had four children,she must have been having some sex at least with the poor sap she left at home taking care of her kids while she fcuked around.


I don't mean to paint a picture of a poor lost soul. My point was, that marriage is hard. And there is so much deep emotional feelings within you that can be really cultivated by your spouse, or damaged and messed up by your spouse. Her self esteem took a hit obviously, I mean marriage is tough you guys. throwing yourself at your spouse and being denied over and over can mess you up. I'm sure a lot of men understand this. But it's a little different with women because we all know men are visual creatures and it hurts to put on lingerie and be denied. And to be denied over and over again I personally couldn't imagine feeling good about myself.

Cheating is wrong. Period. But I'm just saying I get why some people cheat, it's sad. She loves her husband and it wasn't worth divorcing him and ruining a family. But people have needs. She did what she did, she took a risk and cheated and she got caught. It's up to the spouse to decide if it's worth staying with an adulterous women.
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post #13 of 226 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 12:41 PM
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Re: My friends affair

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The OP stated that her friend did talk to her husband about the issue and he chose to make no changes.


Correct. He was physically and legally married but he left the marriage emotionally, mentally, spiritually and sexually.

He broke the marriage vows as much as she did.
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post #14 of 226 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 12:42 PM
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Re: My friends affair

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Absolutely without a doubt.

doesnt negate the fact he was a fool and a bum for treating his wife
like yesterdays garbage.
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post #15 of 226 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 12:43 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My friends affair

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The OP stated that her friend did talk to her husband about the issue and he chose to make no changes.


She was at school, the kids were at school or their grandparents house.
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