Question for the Forum - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #16 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 11:50 AM
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Re: Question for the Forum

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You're right, she probably should have left. However, for me, cheating is the one thing I can't get passed. I would have understood if she chose to cheat, I still couldn't accept it. I'm a firm believer in commitment and being faithful. Could I get over a one time thing around this time frame? Maybe, but I don't know if I'd ever be able to trust her again even though I knew and understood her reasons. So it wouldn't be fair to either of us for me to think about that happening again. Who knows, maybe things got bad again, what if.... etc ? So I know where you're getting at and I get your question, it's just that for me it does matter.
IDK. I can say that YOU were not committed to the marriage. You chose to be emotionally invested in playing video games rather than spending time with your wife. It could just as well have been a bottle of alcohol or another woman.

You are entitled to have whatever deal breakers you want. Your wife forgave you for your behavior. It's good for you that choosing video games over her was not HER deal breaker.

I think the other posters are right. You are projecting. You are saying you were so bad it is surprising or impossible that your wife did not cheat. That implies that YOU would have cheated if the situation was reversed.

Get over it or go for therapy. Probably both.

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post #17 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 11:52 AM
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Re: Question for the Forum

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I want people to tell me to shut up and enjoy what I have.
Shut up and enjoy what you have. Oh, that is not going to be enough. Your are married to that wonderful wife....not me.

Without being obvious or fawning, treat her like gold. Look in directly in her eyes and tell her that you love her, so much.

Never, never, ever, tell her that you DO NOT deserve her!!

Do not plant that seed. That little acorn, that little kernel of truth will grow in her subconscious mind and become that thing that you did not want.

That thing that you did not want but now have to deal with. If she is happy with you, do not reformulate the happy lotion into an unhappy notion......for her.

Do not reinforce the negativity that is not even there.

This forum, "Talk about Marriage" is a great place to learn. But it is a dangerous place for those that are insecure and those that are paranoid.

Come back and read, as needed. Come back and be unraveled if you are not wise and mature enough to handle what is written here. This blog sometimes depresses the crap out of me! Pulls at my heart strings.

Find out what her love language is. Once you discover this. Talk incessantly using those "words". Actions are unwritten and the strongist words. Remember that, Bub !

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

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post #18 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 11:57 AM
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Re: Question for the Forum

I would recommend IC for you. Try working on your insecurities. This is coming from someone with a lot of insecurities. I've been working with a counselor and it has helped tremendously. I think it is good to understand the basic nature of affairs and how they start. But without any specific evidence, you should probably get off CWI. It will only lead to paranoia. Instead, try reading about ways to strengthen your relationship. His Needs, Her Needs is a great book. Also 5 Love Languages. I'm sure there are others.

Good on you for deciding to make some changes.
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post #19 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 12:05 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Question for the Forum

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Originally Posted by blueinbr View Post
IDK. I can say that YOU were not committed to the marriage. You chose to be emotionally invested in playing video games rather than spending time with your wife. It could just as well have been a bottle of alcohol or another woman.

You are entitled to have whatever deal breakers you want. Your wife forgave you for your behavior. It's good for you that choosing video games over her was not HER deal breaker.

I think the other posters are right. You are projecting. You are saying you were so bad it is surprising or impossible that your wife did not cheat. That implies that YOU would have cheated if the situation was reversed.

Get over it or go for therapy. Probably both.
Actually, I don't agree with the bold parts. I was pretty stupid and oblivious to the person I was until the last few years (again, been married 11 years). There were times where we were very unhappy, and now I know it was because she came home mad because of the situation I put her in. For a while, sex was hard to come by. I never even once thought about cheating when at that time I really didn't see myself as the whole problem (btw, I figure I should disclose we got married when we were 20/19, for some perspective). Like I said, I believe in being faithful. You can choose to believe that one fact or you can choose to think I'm lying because it's a message board. I may be projecting something, but I'm not projecting what I would do in a situation where I'm unhappy.

At this moment we are at the happiest point in our lives. It's just that I've done a lot of self reflection lately and know just how bad I was at certain points. Again, not cheating, not drinking or going out. I was always home.. just absent.
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post #20 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 12:10 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Question for the Forum

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Shut up and enjoy what you have. Oh, that is not going to be enough. Your are married to that wonderful wife....not me.

Without being obvious or fawning, treat her like gold. Look in directly in her eyes and tell her that you love her, so much.

Never, never, ever, tell her that you DO NOT deserve her!!

Do not plant that seed. That little acorn, that little kernel of truth will grow in her subconscious mind and become that thing that you did not want.

That thing that you did not want but now have to deal with. If she is happy with you, do not reformulate the happy lotion into an unhappy notion......for her.

Do not reinforce the negativity that is not even there.

This forum, "Talk about Marriage" is a great place to learn. But it is a dangerous place for those that are insecure and those that are paranoid.

Come back and read, as needed. Come back and be unraveled if you are not wise and mature enough to handle what is written here. This blog sometimes depresses the crap out of me! Pulls at my heart strings.

Find out what her love language is. Once you discover this. Talk incessantly using those "words". Actions are unwritten and the strongist words. Remember that, Bub !
Truly great advice. Thank you very much! You hit the nail on the head.
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post #21 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 12:12 PM
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Re: Question for the Forum

My recommendation is to be an absolutely great husband to your wife. Stop worrying about her cheating. Some people just are not wired that way. If you later have a real reason to be suspicious, address it then. Don't create problems where they don't exist. Women generally are attracted to secure men.

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post #22 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 12:16 PM
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Re: Question for the Forum

I deal with the same sorts of insecurities every single day. I think to myself, "What rational human being would ever put up with a parasite like me??" I often wonder whether my husband is carrying on an affair, (because how else could he bear to stay married to me, right?) but I soon enough dismiss the idea because I have absolutely zero evidence, and plenty of evidence against it. May I cautiously suggest therapy to deal with the insecurity issues?

Even if the therapy doesn't do anything for you, you might still want to look into medication. Believe it or not there are drugs out there that can shut your brain up for the six hours or so during which they work. Medication has been an absolute godsend for me. Anything to stop the fear, you know?

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post #23 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 12:23 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Question for the Forum

I will give therapy some thought as it did help my wife at one point. For now, I think I can work on my issues. A lot of them are rooted in what I used to be. The one thing that is current is that I do need to get back in shape. So I know what I need to do here and if for some reason I can't let it go, I will look into the counseling. I just don't want her to think I'm having second thoughts in any way. It's the exact opposite. Things are going so good right now that it's scaring me to think that something in the past could come up. I have no reason to believe that whatsoever so I know I need to just be who I need to be to keep someone like her. She's truly the love of my life and I knew it when I was just a little kid.

Thanks all! Hopefully I don't need this place again (at least in this manner) but it's great to get all these different opinions.
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post #24 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 12:43 PM
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Re: Question for the Forum

I met my husband when I was young. We've been together all of our adult lives (over 26 years now) & he'll be the first to say that he hasn't always been a good husband. He used to joke a lot that he didn't understand why I stayed with him. I used to retort "I don't know either. Maybe I'm just crazy!".

He did cheat & it completely shattered me to the core. One of the first things that just fell out of my mouth while I was still in shock & agony was, "You've destroyed our love story!". I'd never really thought about it in those terms but I now realize it's why I never thought of leaving & why I NEVER even came close to cheating.

Despite anything he could do...sitting-up half the night playing computer games, smoking pot, never helping with the house or cooking etc....I never left or cheated because I loved our 'love story'. Having met at 7 years of age I bet your wife likes telling your love story too. That's something that you can focus on & reminiss. It will probably mean the world to her. You're her life!

Infidelity was such a destructive thing for us because it ruined everything! When others say they envy us always having each other, always loving & being best friends, the thought "EXCEPT when he was with HER!" goes through my mind. I don't know how often SHE is on his mind. He has memories of HER. SHE knows things about him that I don't. FOREVER & ALWAYS don't apply to us anymore. He shattered our "Love Story".

Never be that man. Never accuse her of being that woman. Never talk of divorce. FOREVER is a big priority to her. NEVER break that.
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post #25 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 01:20 PM
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Re: Question for the Forum

I'm going to throw this out there in the interest of ... I don't know, something.

1) The gut feeling. It's a tricky thing. In my own case, I KNEW something was up, even as I was SURE that my wife would never do anything like cheat (spoiler alert: she did). The advice that always resonated with me was this: If you're naturally not a jealous person, then if you suddenly start getting jealous... PAY ATTENTION. Something is setting those alarm bells off. Unfortunately, the corollary is that if you ARE a naturally jealous and/or insecure person, that might be harder to parse.

2) You guys have had a LONG rough patch. Speaking from experience, this is where the seeds of my wife's affair came from, a long "not bad but not great" stretch in the marriage. I think it does make a person susceptible if they're inclined to make these kind of ****ty choices. Or, unless they don't view them as all that ****ty, leading to point #3

3) The family experiences. I have come to believe that some people travel in circles that make it a lot easier for them to dip their toes into the waters of infidelity. In my case my wife had numerous friends and family members who had cheated and (critically) had stayed in their marriages (some told their spouses, others it appears never did). Point being, it seemed like a thing that married people sometimes did in her warped perspective. The fact that your wife may have the same environment is potentially concerning to me, this may not seem like such a big deal to her.

Take all of that together -- is she cheating? Honestly, I wouldn't say there's strong evidence. Not unless you've noticed her starting to care of herself more (new clothes, working out, a bikini wax at the salon that she doesn't normally get, etc) or if there appears to be someone new she mentions at work or in friends, and especially if she seems cagey with her phone or privacy at all (late night emailing, new passcode on phone, taking calls to private rooms for no apparent reason).

In the absence of any of that, I'd say there's no firm evidence. But you know what doesn't hurt? Talking about it!

If she loves you she's going to see you hurting and want to make that better. As a recent convert to "talk out EVERYTHING" I gotta say that while it's scary to take the leap, it's a hell of a lot better than the alternative. Good luck man, for whatever reason (maybe just happy vibes today) I have the sense that she hasn't done anything, you just gotta let that woman love you!

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post #26 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 02:53 PM
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Re: Question for the Forum

OP, are your sure there isn't a small part of you that wishes she had cheated?

I realize most of you would be devastated, but you also seem to have your wife on a pedestal while you're giving yourself a whipping. Even if it is deserved.....

Are you sure there isn't a small part of your brain that thinks if she had cheated then you could feel a little better about not being a very good husband, because then you'd both have stuff to own?

You'd even get some moral high ground because you could say ok, I was a video game playing jerk but at least I was faithful. Might make your behavior seem not so bad.

Think that over.
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post #27 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 03:03 PM
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Re: Question for the Forum

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I wasn't totally sure where to put this as I really need someone to just tell me I'm an idiot but I want to know how I can get over these stupid thoughts in my head.

So I've been (and still am) very happily married to my wife for 11 years and we've known each other and/or dated each other for nearly all of our lives (we met at 7 years old). She has always been the best wife you could have ever asked for. As for me, for the beginning of our marriage I was a pretty lazy and absent husband. I mean, I was there but I was young and chose playing games for a lot of the time I should have been spending time with her. On top of that, I didn't really do much around the house and went from crappy job to crappy job while she head a good steady job. Now don't get me wrong here, I was a good father and when I did pry myself from the games, we did have a great marriage that any normal family would have. I was just a pretty lazy idiot for a long time.

So after going through college and getting a couple certifications, we've been doing great. She's moving up in her job and I've gotten a job in IT and was recently promoted. On top of that, I've really taken a look at myself and I've made a massive change. I do what I should be doing now around the house and hanging out with the family if I'm not studying for better certs or working. Now that I have made this change, I look back on my old self and thing of what an utterly crap husband I was. Throughout this whole time, I never even dreamed she would cheat on me. Wasn't even a thought. Now I see that it could have been very easy for her to cheat on me or find someone else to fill the void I left for her. I have no evidence whatsoever on her and anytime I've ever checked, nothing comes up. The only time it seems like she would ever have a chance to do anything is at work because if she ever did anything, there's no calls or texts being made (sadly, I checked).. We had a talk a couple weeks ago when I told her how I felt because of how bad I was and she assured me that she never did anything and that she was waiting for me because she knew I would change one day. The only weird thing she's ever said is that literally no one has ever approached her in any way to try to talk to her. Now I know some men say this, but my wife is beautiful. Like, I out kicked my coverage..

So I'm faced with one of two reality's. Either I have literally the greatest wife in the world or she's been a really, really convincing liar who stone faced told me nothing ever happened and she was just waiting for me because she knew I would change. I just don't know why I would deserve the greatest wife in the world as opposed to being what should be the reality that she could have understandably cheated on the husband I used to be. We've gotten through some tough times and now our life together is just starting to take off financially and I guess I'm just trying to make sure I didn't screw it all up with the person I used to be.

I'm sorry if this is more of rambling than a really well thought out post but I don't think I should be thinking this and really just want someone to tell me why I feel this way and then tell me to stfu and get over it.

Thanks in advance.
IME...I work hard to employ as many women in my industry as possible....as they have always been underrepresented...AND (selfishly) they tend to have excellent attention to detail and create a calming influence in places where it is typically missing (which increases my bottom line)....

BUT...I have noticed that many women can be pretty damn oblivious to the attempted attention of males. It can be pretty funny to watch....some have trouble with it....others have no trouble shutting them down. If there is no reason to dis-believe your wife....why would you persist?

Could this be some projection?

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post #28 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 03:53 PM
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Re: Question for the Forum

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I wasn't totally sure where to put this as I really need someone to just tell me I'm an idiot but I want to know how I can get over these stupid thoughts in my head.

So I've been (and still am) very happily married to my wife for 11 years and we've known each other and/or dated each other for nearly all of our lives (we met at 7 years old). She has always been the best wife you could have ever asked for. As for me, for the beginning of our marriage I was a pretty lazy and absent husband. I mean, I was there but I was young and chose playing games for a lot of the time I should have been spending time with her. On top of that, I didn't really do much around the house and went from crappy job to crappy job while she head a good steady job. Now don't get me wrong here, I was a good father and when I did pry myself from the games, we did have a great marriage that any normal family would have. I was just a pretty lazy idiot for a long time.

So after going through college and getting a couple certifications, we've been doing great. She's moving up in her job and I've gotten a job in IT and was recently promoted. On top of that, I've really taken a look at myself and I've made a massive change. I do what I should be doing now around the house and hanging out with the family if I'm not studying for better certs or working. Now that I have made this change, I look back on my old self and thing of what an utterly crap husband I was. Throughout this whole time, I never even dreamed she would cheat on me. Wasn't even a thought. Now I see that it could have been very easy for her to cheat on me or find someone else to fill the void I left for her. I have no evidence whatsoever on her and anytime I've ever checked, nothing comes up. The only time it seems like she would ever have a chance to do anything is at work because if she ever did anything, there's no calls or texts being made (sadly, I checked).. We had a talk a couple weeks ago when I told her how I felt because of how bad I was and she assured me that she never did anything and that she was waiting for me because she knew I would change one day. The only weird thing she's ever said is that literally no one has ever approached her in any way to try to talk to her. Now I know some men say this, but my wife is beautiful. Like, I out kicked my coverage..

So I'm faced with one of two reality's. Either I have literally the greatest wife in the world or she's been a really, really convincing liar who stone faced told me nothing ever happened and she was just waiting for me because she knew I would change. I just don't know why I would deserve the greatest wife in the world as opposed to being what should be the reality that she could have understandably cheated on the husband I used to be. We've gotten through some tough times and now our life together is just starting to take off financially and I guess I'm just trying to make sure I didn't screw it all up with the person I used to be.

I'm sorry if this is more of rambling than a really well thought out post but I don't think I should be thinking this and really just want someone to tell me why I feel this way and then tell me to stfu and get over it.

Thanks in advance.
Dude,

You have the greatest wife in the world! You and I were in the same EXACT boat. EXACTLY. When I came to my senses and apologized stating the same thing(W could have found another but didn't) my W states she spent many a night crying silently in the bathroom but prayed everyday that I would be the husband she would hope I could be.

Cherish your W like crazy now! You got your second chance!

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post #29 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 06:11 AM
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Re: Question for the Forum

T

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post #30 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 07:50 AM
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Re: Question for the Forum

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Sounds to be like you are one of the lucky - and rare - ones around here. You got a spouse who really loves you - loves you enough to stick by you and believe in you no matter what.

Do yourself a favor and deal with your insecurity before you screw it up.
Thanks, this is what I needed.
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I'm being an irrational idiot.
ENJOY what the rest of us long for. You are right, no one deserves it because life does not care what you deserve but a lucky few get it.

Peace and long life
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