Question for the Forum - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #1 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 09:50 AM Thread Starter
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Question for the Forum

I wasn't totally sure where to put this as I really need someone to just tell me I'm an idiot but I want to know how I can get over these stupid thoughts in my head.

So I've been (and still am) very happily married to my wife for 11 years and we've known each other and/or dated each other for nearly all of our lives (we met at 7 years old). She has always been the best wife you could have ever asked for. As for me, for the beginning of our marriage I was a pretty lazy and absent husband. I mean, I was there but I was young and chose playing games for a lot of the time I should have been spending time with her. On top of that, I didn't really do much around the house and went from crappy job to crappy job while she head a good steady job. Now don't get me wrong here, I was a good father and when I did pry myself from the games, we did have a great marriage that any normal family would have. I was just a pretty lazy idiot for a long time.

So after going through college and getting a couple certifications, we've been doing great. She's moving up in her job and I've gotten a job in IT and was recently promoted. On top of that, I've really taken a look at myself and I've made a massive change. I do what I should be doing now around the house and hanging out with the family if I'm not studying for better certs or working. Now that I have made this change, I look back on my old self and thing of what an utterly crap husband I was. Throughout this whole time, I never even dreamed she would cheat on me. Wasn't even a thought. Now I see that it could have been very easy for her to cheat on me or find someone else to fill the void I left for her. I have no evidence whatsoever on her and anytime I've ever checked, nothing comes up. The only time it seems like she would ever have a chance to do anything is at work because if she ever did anything, there's no calls or texts being made (sadly, I checked).. We had a talk a couple weeks ago when I told her how I felt because of how bad I was and she assured me that she never did anything and that she was waiting for me because she knew I would change one day. The only weird thing she's ever said is that literally no one has ever approached her in any way to try to talk to her. Now I know some men say this, but my wife is beautiful. Like, I out kicked my coverage..

So I'm faced with one of two reality's. Either I have literally the greatest wife in the world or she's been a really, really convincing liar who stone faced told me nothing ever happened and she was just waiting for me because she knew I would change. I just don't know why I would deserve the greatest wife in the world as opposed to being what should be the reality that she could have understandably cheated on the husband I used to be. We've gotten through some tough times and now our life together is just starting to take off financially and I guess I'm just trying to make sure I didn't screw it all up with the person I used to be.

I'm sorry if this is more of rambling than a really well thought out post but I don't think I should be thinking this and really just want someone to tell me why I feel this way and then tell me to stfu and get over it.

Thanks in advance.

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post #2 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 10:07 AM
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Re: Question for the Forum

I'm a huge believer in trusting your gut. Your gut knows. But at the same time, if you don't have any evidence at all, then where is the gut feeling coming from? Is it just your own insecurities?
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post #3 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 10:16 AM
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Question for the Forum

Does it really matter if she cheated? She should have divorced you earlier.

But she didn't.
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post #4 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 10:23 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Question for the Forum

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I'm a huge believer in trusting your gut. Your gut knows. But at the same time, if you don't have any evidence at all, then where is the gut feeling coming from? Is it just your own insecurities?
I really think it's just my insecurities. The thought just won't leave my head. I don't want to talk to her about it again because she would think I don't trust her. It's hard to explain, I trust her completely, it's just I'm naturally a pessimist so my mind tends to harp on the negative outcomes sometimes.
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post #5 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 10:27 AM Thread Starter
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Does it really matter if she cheated? She should have divorced you earlier.

But she didn't.
You're right, she probably should have left. However, for me, cheating is the one thing I can't get passed. I would have understood if she chose to cheat, I still couldn't accept it. I'm a firm believer in commitment and being faithful. Could I get over a one time thing around this time frame? Maybe, but I don't know if I'd ever be able to trust her again even though I knew and understood her reasons. So it wouldn't be fair to either of us for me to think about that happening again. Who knows, maybe things got bad again, what if.... etc ? So I know where you're getting at and I get your question, it's just that for me it does matter.
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post #6 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 10:32 AM
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Re: Question for the Forum

Talk to a counsellor, or even just a friend. You need to work through this, and you need to deal with your insecurities. If you don't they will rip apart your marriage sooner or later

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.


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post #7 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 10:41 AM
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Re: Question for the Forum

So, did you cheat during your marriage?

Just curious because while I believe in "trust your gut," we don't always talk about the blame shift of cheaters.
To answer your question, there are people who believe in sticking it through to the end. Yes, even if they have every reason to move on. No, they don't always cheat, they are very good at compartmentalization.
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post #8 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 10:49 AM
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Re: Question for the Forum

Sounds to be like you are one of the lucky - and rare - ones around here. You got a spouse who really loves you - loves you enough to stick by you and believe in you no matter what.

Do yourself a favor and deal with your insecurity before you screw it up.

The road goes ever ever on, down from the door where it began... JRR Tolkien
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post #9 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 10:55 AM
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Re: Question for the Forum

So you have no red flags and your only rashionale is that you were a crap husband so she should've cheated?

Is that correct?

I too would like to know if you've cheated.
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post #10 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 10:55 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Question for the Forum

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So, did you cheat during your marriage?

Just curious because while I believe in "trust your gut," we don't always talk about the blame shift of cheaters.
To answer your question, there are people who believe in sticking it through to the end. Yes, even if they have every reason to move on. No, they don't always cheat, they are very good at compartmentalization.
I figured this question would pop up but the answer is no. Never cheated on her and never got close. The only thing that does scare me is that in her family, they have a lot of people who have cheated on their spouses. It's almost like the sidebar joke to them.

Shouldn't your gut feeling need something to go by or not really?

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post #11 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 10:59 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Question for the Forum

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So you have no red flags and your only rashionale is that you were a crap husband so she should've cheated?

Is that correct?

I too would like to know if you've cheated.
Well when you put it like this... lol

No I've never cheated and yes, as you can see by my name I know that I'm just being a really big idiot here but it's just a thought I want to get rid of.

The big thing is that my head doesn't want me to believe that I have the best wife in the world. Maybe because subconsciously I don't believe I deserve her.

Don't feel like you're being too harsh, I want people to tell me to shut up and enjoy what I have.
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post #12 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 11:00 AM Thread Starter
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Sounds to be like you are one of the lucky - and rare - ones around here. You got a spouse who really loves you - loves you enough to stick by you and believe in you no matter what.

Do yourself a favor and deal with your insecurity before you screw it up.
Thanks, this is what I needed.
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post #13 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 11:08 AM
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I figured this question would pop up but the answer is no. Never cheated on her and never got close. The only thing that does scare me is that in her family, they have a lot of people who have cheated on their spouses. It's almost like the sidebar joke to them.

Shouldn't your gut feeling need something to go by or not really?
I think your gut feeling needs something to go by- like in my case my husband accidentally sent a text to me that was meant for someone else, but he tried to convince me for years that it was actually meant for me. My gut didn't believe him, but I carried on as if I did. Years later, my gut was right. Obviously.

In your case you have seemingly nothing to justify your gut feeling. It's sad for your wife if you are acting in an untrusting manner (snooping in her phone and stuff) when she hasn't given you a reason to do so.

Just a side note- my husband went through MY emails and MY phone when he had no reason to do so. And guess what, he was the one who was cheating all along. So glad to hear you weren't doing that.
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post #14 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 11:19 AM Thread Starter
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I think your gut feeling needs something to go by- like in my case my husband accidentally sent a text to me that was meant for someone else, but he tried to convince me for years that it was actually meant for me. My gut didn't believe him, but I carried on as if I did. Years later, my gut was right. Obviously.

In your case you have seemingly nothing to justify your gut feeling. It's sad for your wife if you are acting in an untrusting manner (snooping in her phone and stuff) when she hasn't given you a reason to do so.

Just a side note- my husband went through MY emails and MY phone when he had no reason to do so. And guess what, he was the one who was cheating all along. So glad to hear you weren't doing that.
I completely understand the angle where the snooping person is really the cheater, I guess for me I'm just a cynical person. I see that I have to work on that and just let it go and enjoy what I have. I know it's hard to make this thread and say I trust her but I do trust her more than any person in the world. Ugh that sounds so contradicting.. Thanks for all the thoughts here from everyone. I've changed myself from being a terrible husband so I think this is something I can get over too.

Again, I really appreciate the comments here. I just needed more than myself to tell myself I'm being an irrational idiot.
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post #15 of 42 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 11:37 AM
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Re: Question for the Forum

So, her family is full of cheaters. This means they have told stories as to why their affairs happened. I bet many of the their reasons, echo the crap you did in your marriage. So, you are projecting their failures onto you wife. Projection is not the same as a gut feeling, it is insecurity. Here's the thing, a partner can choose to lead the marriage down the road of failure, but the spouse chooses to cheat on their own. Some people will just hang on because they have a good character and hope the other partner will come around. This is why someone suggested counseling.
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