Big fight - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #16 of 61 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 07:07 AM
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Re: Big fight

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although we are fine today, we keep having the same fight it seems. Although it's been a while since the last one.
A 29 year old woman who apparently must be at the gym hubby works out at friended him on FB. Her husband always works out there as well and he and hubby are buddies. This was a few days ago. I saw the "so and so are now friends" feed on my FB. I just sighed to myself, wondering why she friended him. She is one year older than our son! The guy she married was her former teacher and is 50.
Then, at the bball game last night, they said hi to each other (ignoring me, I was her teacher in junior high) and then I saw him glancing at her again.

We proceeded to have a good evening out with our friends and when we got back I mentioned that it felt threatening to me that he is friends with her. I said you always mention everybody else at the gym, why not her? when he explained how he knew her.

so we went around and around, he told me I Was stalking him (he obviously doesn't understand how FB feed works). Then he said I caused my own pain by starting all this. and then he apologized and then not and said I drove him to say those things. And things were said and crap and I had had enough and left the bed. Then he apologized.

What the hell is the answer here? I don't think he's having an affair. But why even go there. I would NEVER be friends with someone like that on FB. She obviously looked him up as they have no shared friends. WTH?
You guys need to get on the same page. To do this, there has to be some communication without judgment. As it stands, you two have things that have been left unsaid, guarded by past hurt. You two should be brought closer for things like this (intimacy), not divided. On one side, you have to be able to just listen to him. On the other, he has to be able to listen to you. If he doesn't hear you out, then you use some strategies to show him that it is important for him to listen, but not in a way that threatens him with emotional punishment.



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post #17 of 61 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 07:15 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Big fight

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You guys need to get on the same page. To do this, there has to be some communication without judgment. As it stands, you two have things that have been left unsaid, guarded by past hurt. You two should be brought closer for things like this (intimacy), not divided. On one side, you have to be able to just listen to him. On the other, he has to be able to listen to you. If he doesn't hear you out, then you use some strategies to show him that it is important for him to listen, but not in a way that threatens him with emotional punishment.
We have said everything. It's just that we don't agree on some things. Can you have a marriage where you don't see eye to eye on critical issues?
We've discussed the affairs ad nauseum. I was also sexually assaulted in a hotel room, which devastated him and he was furious with me for not protecting myself.
He has NEVER had empathy with me for that and it gets thrown in my face as "sex with a guy." So if I think something is a rape and he thinks it's not, where do we go from there? If we don't talk about it, we're good. If we do, we don't come to any consensus but hurt.

What are these strategies that show him?
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post #18 of 61 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 07:32 AM
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Re: Big fight

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Last edited by Andy1001; 02-06-2017 at 07:39 AM.
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post #19 of 61 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 07:35 AM Thread Starter
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Ummm my husband is not a surgeon or doctor.
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post #20 of 61 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 08:48 PM
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Re: Big fight

Did he unfriend the woman from the gym?

Every now and then, you fall in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time. - unknown

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post #21 of 61 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 09:01 PM Thread Starter
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No I don't think so. I'm not going to make him do anything. Just sit back and watch his decisions.
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post #22 of 61 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 11:37 PM
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Re: Big fight

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We have said everything. It's just that we don't agree on some things. Can you have a marriage where you don't see eye to eye on critical issues?
We've discussed the affairs ad nauseum. I was also sexually assaulted in a hotel room, which devastated him and he was furious with me for not protecting myself.
He has NEVER had empathy with me for that and it gets thrown in my face as "sex with a guy." So if I think something is a rape and he thinks it's not, where do we go from there? If we don't talk about it, we're good. If we do, we don't come to any consensus but hurt.

What are these strategies that show him?
He didn't? I have a few choice words for your so called husband. He actually blamed you and throws it in your face as if you wanted it......

Why are you with him?

Hope the best for you. So sorry you went through what you did. I hope the POS that raped you gets what's coming to him.
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post #23 of 61 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 11:51 PM
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Re: Big fight

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Being we've been through 3 affairs between us, I think ours is a case of exercising extreme precaution. Always protecting boundaries, if not for ourselves, but the feelings of safety for our spouse.
Wow, then strong boundaries are vital, as is being open with all communications.
No wonder you are worried if there has been so much cheating.
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post #24 of 61 (permalink) Old 02-07-2017, 06:23 AM Thread Starter
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I think his two affairs were reactionary to my affair. But I also think that the lack of empathy and "you should be over this" attitude is disappointing, to say the least.
I talked to him again last night and said I wasn't happy with how things went the other night. I said I didn't know how to bring things up without him thinking he couldn't do anything right and being defensive. He said just bring things up and that's he trying hard and nothing is going on.
It would be a no bRainer to me to dump someone from Facebook.
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post #25 of 61 (permalink) Old 02-07-2017, 12:19 PM
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Re: Big fight

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When I call him on things, he gets defensive and super resentful.
Only thing I can add is to take a look at HOW you call him on things. Nobody likes to be told they're doing something wrong, and admiration is typically a high Emotional Need for most men, so if calling him out happens on a regular basis, you will have become a pain point to him - he thinks of you, he feels bad/unhappy. So be honest with yourself and try to see what it feels like to be on his side of this thing, and then see if you can make your point without pushing his buttons.

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post #26 of 61 (permalink) Old 02-07-2017, 12:44 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Big fight

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Only thing I can add is to take a look at HOW you call him on things. Nobody likes to be told they're doing something wrong, and admiration is typically a high Emotional Need for most men, so if calling him out happens on a regular basis, you will have become a pain point to him - he thinks of you, he feels bad/unhappy. So be honest with yourself and try to see what it feels like to be on his side of this thing, and then see if you can make your point without pushing his buttons.
I get what you're saying but this happens like once every 3-6 months. I really tried to phrase my point from a vulnerable position - "I feel threatened when you have young female friends."
I don't know how I could have said it otherwise.
If he said this to me I would think, wow, he still cares and is a little jealous.
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post #27 of 61 (permalink) Old 02-07-2017, 02:41 PM
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So what does the 29 yr old OW look like?
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post #28 of 61 (permalink) Old 02-07-2017, 02:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Big fight

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So what does the 29 yr old OW look like?
very cute! long blonde hair.
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post #29 of 61 (permalink) Old 02-07-2017, 05:37 PM
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Re: Big fight

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Only thing I can add is to take a look at HOW you call him on things. Nobody likes to be told they're doing something wrong, and admiration is typically a high Emotional Need for most men, so if calling him out happens on a regular basis, you will have become a pain point to him - he thinks of you, he feels bad/unhappy. So be honest with yourself and try to see what it feels like to be on his side of this thing, and then see if you can make your point without pushing his buttons.
lol This guy has had two affairs and now has friended a woman from the gym, and it makes his wife uncomfortable. And he doesn't care that it makes her uncomfortable.

Yes, the OP should be very careful not to push his buttons.

Every now and then, you fall in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time. - unknown

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post #30 of 61 (permalink) Old 02-07-2017, 05:40 PM
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Re: Big fight

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No I don't think so. I'm not going to make him do anything. Just sit back and watch his decisions.
I wouldn't make him do anything, I just wouldn't allow someone to make me feel as small as he's making you feel. That part, you can control. The fact that your husband had two affairs and now has friended a random woman much younger than him at the gym, is telling of what is important to him. Sometimes, we like to tell ourselves stories about those we love, that are easier stories to swallow, I guess. We keep telling ourselves that these people who keep hurting us really love us, and have so many good qualities. Reality is always a harder story to tell ourselves, so we sometimes opt for the easier story. I'm not suggesting you leave him - but you don't need to walk on eggshells for him or make excuses for him.

Every now and then, you fall in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time. - unknown

I'm newly married
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Last edited by *Deidre*; 02-07-2017 at 05:49 PM.
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