A bit of background, I have been married for 8 years with two young children.
I am feeling awful after my husband told me last Monday that he got oral sex from a prostitute, back in September this year.
It was the morning after his 40th birthday party, he was still drunk and decided to look in the back of the local paper, ring a prostitute (or escort they advertise as). He then drove to this person's flat and paid for oral sex. Not that I believe for one moment that being drunk is an excuse for this.
He has got tested for HIV and various other STD's, they came back negative. I'm not sure if he just told me because I had been a bit ill lately (and he thought I had caught something from him), or just his guilt talking.
I am horrified and feel totally disrespected. We already had problems previously with his anger, where he had called me the 'c' word more than once.
Our sex life was quite good, seeing as we have two very young children.
I don't think I can move on from this, or look at him in the same way. He does seem to be very sorry and says he won't do it again, however how can I believe that.
I don't think I can move on from this, or look at him in the same way. He does seem to be very sorry and says he won't do it again, however how can I believe that.
You don't have to continue with the marriage if you believe that this is a deal breaker for you and that you will not be able to recover from. It can take anywhere from 2 to 5 years for a betrayed spouse to recover from the affair. Don't pressure yourself to either continue with the marriage or to divorce.
But if you want to give an honest effort to recover from your husband's betrayal, then you must be willing to walk if he does not agree to seek psychological counseling to resolve his issues and agree to marital counseling so that he can learn to do his part in helping to rebuild the marriage.
I am not ready to make a decision about divorce or reconciliation yet and I agree that I just need to take some time to think things over. However, I'm leaning towards a separation at least right now.
Marriage counselling could be an option, however we already went down that road because of his anger. I'm not really willing to go through another set of marriage counselling sessions at this point and think it would be better to cut my losses now.
I read the remorse thread, it was very helpful. At the moment he is showing some remorse but also is frustrated because I just cannot forgive and forget. He asks me every day if I am feeling any different towards him. I just answer no and ask him to give me space. He has also made some backhanded threats about how if we live in two separate houses he may have to default on our mortgage.
He has also made some backhanded threats about how if we live in two separate houses he may have to default on our mortgage.
In the newbie thread is a description of the 180, run it for as long as you need to gain emotional stability. Doing the 180 will cause him to reflect on his choice of words and actions. I suggest going to a lawyer, understanding your rights. I am not stating you should divorce him I am saying you must be prepared for any threats he makes against you.
Silence is golden , the less you say , the less conflict you have , the more he starts to react. Don't threaten , cajole , be a doormat , cry or grovel to him.
MC is not going to work if he is not prepared to change, admit his fault and do his everything to remedy what happened. The issue with many waywards is they want to rug sweep and get on with life without the effort to help you heal.
It was the morning after his 40th birthday party, he was still drunk and decided to look in the back of the local paper, ring a prostitute (or escort they advertise as). He then drove to this person's flat and paid for oral sex. Not that I believe for one moment that being drunk is an excuse for this.
Just out of curiosity how did he manage to convince you that he was too drunk to think clearly yet sober enough to drive?
Just out of curiosity how did he manage to convince you that he was too drunk to think clearly yet sober enough to drive?
He hasn't, he is making excuses. I believe he was still drunk, as I know how much he drank the night before (he was out till 4am). I also saw him when he came back from the prostitutes house, as myself and the children had returned by then and he was still drunk at midday. However he still clearly had the ability to look in the back of a paper, dial a prostitutes telephone number and then drive over to her apartment. He may have even used his sat nav, as the town he went to he is not that familiar with.
I'm not convinced at all, it isn't even comprehendable as an excuse.
Jen
Sorry you are going through this. How have things been in your relationship in general? You said your sex life is ok but would he agree with that?
There has obviously been something lacking for him to take that risk of getting sucked off by a prostitute. That is quite desperate in my book....
P
Jen
Sorry you are going through this. How have things been in your relationship in general? You said your sex life is ok but would he agree with that?
There has obviously been something lacking for him to take that risk of getting sucked off by a prostitute. That is quite desperate in my book....
P
Well I could *perhaps* understand if he hadn't had sex for a year because of illness or something or that I never gave gave him a bj, which I did. Even then surely he would need my permission to go see someone else for paid sex? We had sex every week, often more, so I'm not buying that he felt so darn neglected that he felt the desperate need to go see a prostitute.
If that was enough to push him to go see a ***** then I have lost faith completely I am afraid.
He said himself that because it was his 40th birthday he felt it was some right of passage or something? Just unbelievable. Trying to comprehend why he did this is beyond what I can understand. Why risk your family like that.
Jen
I'm not looking for you to excuse or condone his strange behavior but to maybe understand just where it came from...
If you have been looking after him sexually (as it sounds you have) then what he has done is even more difficult to understand......
Being unfaithful with a prostitiute is quite extreme....this isn't a chance encounter or accident it takes some forethought and planning to carry it through.
Has he shown any signs of waywardness before this incident?
P
He hasn't been wayward before (well I thought he hadn't) and is very shy with women. He was never the type to be a jack the lad and chat women up like some of his married friends do. But then, maybe that is why he went to a prostitute because he didn't have to chat her up and he knew he would get what he wanted.
He has said to me that when he gets very very drunk he always wakes up horny. I wasn't there that morning because it was his 40th birthday the night before. We had all said that we would stay at his mums house (including him) because it was near the party venue and we didn't have to worry about expensive taxi's back to our house. My husband decided however to get a taxi back to our house anyway, whilst he left me and the kids sleeping at his mums.
So his excuse is, he knows he has a real problem when he gets really drunk, he gets incredibly horny and that is why he went to a prostitute. Also he felt as though he had some right of passage or something, as it was his 40th?
Jen
No, it's a crap excuse....I'm sorry hun but I like a drink or two but I have NEVER been pissed enough (especially next day) to get up with a hard on and think "ah I'll go to a prostitute"...why didn't he come to you for sex? Did you ask him?
A prostitute is such a cold option...why?
I really don't know, I won't pretend that our marriage, or even our sex life was amazing.
But we really did care for each other and went out on dates from time to time, enjoyed each others company. We were affectionate.
There were problems, especially earlier on in our marriage with his anger though, I know his dad was a terrible example to him as a kid. I've always thought he must have some kind of psychological problems but regardless, I still cannot see what led him to this.
He couldn't come to me for sex that day (or the day after) as we had guests staying with us that weekend. Plus he went out the next night and got drunk again with his sister who was visiting and stayed over at his mum's house, so there wasn't an opportunity anyway.
Jen,
It sounds like,for whatever reason,l he wanted uncomplicated sex and perhaps thought a blow job from a prostitute was somehow not being unfaithful to you.
I wonder why,after all the trouble of going to a *****, he didn't go the whole way and just f**k her....did he say why only a BJ?
He has no history of doing this before so why then and then not the whole way with her....strange.....
P
My husband cheated with a prostitute. 
