I online-cheated on my husband from 7/2007 until he found out in 4/2008. I contacted someone I've had contact with before I got married and have been emailing/chatting/sending inappropriate photo. I didn't feel anything for the person I cheated with but I wanted the attention because it made me feel good about myself. I have "Daddy-Issues". There was also another sort of relationship with someone (also online), which I regarded as a mentor/father type figure and for which I, at some point, thought I had romantic feelings for.
When my husband found out, he went into a steep downward spiral, my entire family did (1 daughter, 2 dogs, 4 cats). I never stopped loving my husband. I stopped any contact with the person I cheated with immediately and haven't been in contact ever since. I told my husband everything I could think of about the affair. He also asked questions, which I answered but not to his satisfaction. Example: he asked how long it had been going on but didn't believe me when I told him and says I have therefore not been forthcoming. My husband became Sherlock Holmes. He bugged my computer to see what I was doing, which was fine with me because I understood he needed assurance that nothing was going on anymore.
I did not tell my husband about the mentor/father figure because it didn't occur to me as an affair because my romantic feelings were only temporarily, non-substantial (in my opinion), and it was a long time ago. My husband felt that there had to be more, that's when I told him about the mentor/father figure. He sees this as having been lied to.
Fast forward 3 years. My husband believes I'm not telling him the truth. He says he read a letter to the mentor/father figure mentioning someone named Terry. I did write that letter thanking him for listening to me, giving me advice and encouraging me career-wise. I also thanked his wife who had been giving me recipes here and there. I don't know anyone by the name Terry and I know I didn't write anything about "Terry". My husband says I did. Despite the fact that he has records about everything I have done on my computer (posts, emails, letters, chats, photos), he says he has no copy of this letter. I've been asked a million times who Terry is and I can't answer it. I've gone as far as making up a story about Terry, saying that I slept with Terry. When I couldn't provide any proof of Terry, my husband knew I had lied, which I admitted. I know, stupid thing!
We have just finished marriage counseling, (5 sessions, I believe) and it basically boils down to me not knowing how Terry is and my husband demanding I tell him who Terry is. Our therapist asked me husband if he would be able to start over and forgive me for what I have done, including the things he believes I'm lying about. He said "no way in hell". The therapist then asked me if I would be willing to live in a loveless marriage. My husband wants to stay married for the sake of our daugther. There is no sign of affection towards me, he doesn't not want to make love to me. He says he loves me and always will but it seems it's not the kind of love I'm looking for or the kind of love I need. My husband is my life. He is the sexiest man alive, he is the kindest man alive. I want to grow old with him. He means everything to me.
I feel that my husband enjoys pressuring me about Terry. He enjoys it when I can't answer the question. He seems satisfied when I end up being frustrated over not knowing who Terry is. I believe this is his way of punishing me. I also believe that he is using "Terry" to prevent himself from forgiving me.
That's my story. I'm sorry if I rambled on. I don't have anyone to talk to (my best friend is my husband) and guess I just had the need to talk. Any advise is welcomed.
It's possible that your husband saw something about Terry and is now fixated on solving the mystery. It's also possible that he imagined it, or simply made it up as something to punish you with.
I know that you are being truthful with your husband now, but you're like the boy who cried wolf. Before the affair, your husband would have trusted you and been satisfied with your answers. After the affair, there is no foundation of trust. He can't trust you anymore. And every time you change your story, you're right back at square one on whether you're being truthful or not.
Your position isn't that rare. It's not uncommon for disloyal spouses to lie about the affair, slowly reveal the truth of the affair, and then when they have finally admitted everything and are being truthful, become confused as to why the loyal spouse can't trust them.
Recovery from an affair can take up to five years. But if you haven't even seen any progress in 3.5 years, then it may be time to throw in the towel. You had a good thing, but you blew it up. Next time, don't sext other men.
Maybe Terry is someone you husband knows. Turn it around and ask him who Terry is since he's the one who brought the name out. Maybe you should be checking on him.
Tell him that until he provides proof that a Terry exits he needs to drop it. You don't know a Terry.
When a person hangs on to something like Terry they are gaining soemthing from it. It sounds like 'Terry' gives your husband power over you. He can beat you up verbally and get away with it. He has to drop it. I think Terry represents all the things your husband does not know about what you did.
We have made some progress in 3.5 years. It's small but it's there. In the beginning he said he doesn't trust me at all. In a recent session with the therapist he said he doesn't trust me completely. That's a big difference to me and it gave me a bunch of hope. He also said that he knows there wasn't any physical contact with OM, whereas before he insisted that there was. He has acknowledged that I go out of my way to be transparent in everything I do (I let him know where I go, when I'll be back and what I'm doing there. My job requires me to drive several hours each day).
I guess my question is: Is my husband going to leave me and what can I do to make him stay?
Funny thing is, I think I already know the answer.
My husband is my life. He is the sexiest man alive, he is the kindest man alive. I want to grow old with him. He means everything to me.
.
I'm assuming that this wasn't the case while you were cheating, so have you told your husband that this is how you feel now that you are committed to him? Really, I think time and the honest, regular re-assurances like this, which will finally tell him that he is enough of a man to meet your needs, are the only things you can really do at this time. Be consistent in the way you answer his doubts.
It sounds like his doubts and the comments about Terry are not something he enjoys. I think two things might be in play. One is that he knows you cheated, but an actual physical encounter would've given him a easier reason to justify divorcing. As long as he has doubts about the existence of this deal breaker, he'll keep digging. Another is that he probably really believed the words you stated in the quote above while you were cheating. He likely feels like the worlds biggest fool, or maybe he just has the doubts that came into play when he realized that he wasn't enough for you. If you can help him rationalize how you convincingly made him feel like he was the only one, while simultaneously carrying on a sexual relationship with another man online, then he might be able to make peace with it. I think that if a random guy on the internet has a problem rationalizing the quoted text above with such an affair, imagine how he must feel. And if it was only something you did for self-gratification, does that make a statement to him about the depth of your understanding of what love really is?
Now I know this is an internet site, and our feelings are much harder to process, but there seems to be an element where your tone implies that this isn't as big a deal because it was online. If you struggled with conveying remorse to him at the level that addressed his real hurt, he can also feel that cheating just sin't a big deal to you.
I don't mean this to sound harsh. Please understand that it is only offered to try to suggest what could conceivably be behind his actions. He will hopefully see that the way you convey your love for him now is a beautiful, and rare gift to a man. But he sounds like he has allowed it to make him retreat into a shell
EleGirl: My husband doesn't know anyone by that name. I know that for sure.
A few months ago, I was texting back and forth with one of my daugther's girlfriends over a few clothing items she had forgotten at her friends house and I was arranging to go pick them up because my daughter needed them the next day at school. I had just gotten the iphone and the keyboard for texting is touch-screen. I was texting while driving (I know, that's bad!). I accidently texted "Terry9" to my daugther's friend. Because her friend got sort of snippy with me, I showed the text conversation to my husband. Then he asked me "Who's Terry?" I told him what had happened, texting while driving on a new iphone. 2 weeks later I learned that he had read about Terry in that letter I wrote over 3 years earlier. Ever since, Terry has been a constant presence in my marriage.
Just one recommendation, please consider that commenting on dead threads like "Forever wearing the Scarlett Letter" is really not very productive for it is almost like talking to yourself.
Halien, you are right. I do make it a point that there was no physical contact and never the slightest chance of such. The OM didn't mean a thing to me. I didn't agree with his opinions, his view points, his taste. But he asked me how my day was, he told me I was smart. He listened to my bla bla bla. My husband didn't do any of these things for a long time before the affair started. Yes, I do tend to play down what I did because I never stopped loving my husband and I wanted nothing more than for him to be the one to ask me how my day was. And yes, I did reach out to him about these things before I started the affair. He says he recalls me doing this one time, I recall many other times. I know I didn't say it loud enough, I should have screamed it at him.
Just one recommendation, please consider that commenting on dead threads like "Forever wearing the Scarlett Letter" is really not very productive for it is almost like talking to yourself.
You mean I should not post on threads that are started by other cheaters?
You mean I should not post on threads that are started by other cheaters?
No you can post to Abraham Lincoln if that is what you wish - now whether he'll respond to you from beyond the grave is quite another matter altogether .
The thread can be on how not to burn a pot roast and it would still apply. The OP (original poster) is long gone, and commenting on a dead thread will not necessarily bring others to the thread.
Halien, you are right. I do make it a point that there was no physical contact and never the slightest chance of such. The OM didn't mean a thing to me. I didn't agree with his opinions, his view points, his taste. But he asked me how my day was, he told me I was smart. He listened to my bla bla bla. My husband didn't do any of these things for a long time before the affair started. Yes, I do tend to play down what I did because I never stopped loving my husband and I wanted nothing more than for him to be the one to ask me how my day was. And yes, I did reach out to him about these things before I started the affair. He says he recalls me doing this one time, I recall many other times. I know I didn't say it loud enough, I should have screamed it at him.
I have to admit that I've learned a thing or two from this response. For years, my wife hasn't been able to speak to me in the same affirming, supportive way that she speaks to others in her life, although she told me that I was a good husband, and deserved it when I pushed the issue. I never realized that finding this through another woman wouldn't be such a big deal, since I love my wife deeply.
... not! In my opinion, I think you have your answer on why your husband will not let this go. He'll never buy into the argument that what you did just isn't such a big deal since you loved him. I suspect that he hears it implied in your tone just as clearly as you stated it here. To him, the two acts, your love for him, and cheating, should prove that one of them is a falsehood. I'm assuming that he found proof of your affair, which seems to point him in the direction of his current mindset.
Maybe he would've preferred it if you found courage from the missing things in the relationship. Courage to tell him that you would cheat on him if certain needs weren't met, instead of letting him feel the shame of sharing his wife with another man.
I know that I'm just one guy. Other men might disagree. If you've come to this site in order to better understand why he is responding as he is, I hope you will take this accordingly.
I
When my husband found out, he went into a steep downward spiral, my entire family did (1 daughter, 2 dogs, 4 cats). I never stopped loving my husband.
Quote:
Fast forward 3 years. My husband believes I'm not telling him the truth.
But of course. Cheaters are liars by default. This is something you are just going to have to deal with until the day he may be able to fully get over it.
Because there really is no reason to trust you after what you did. You can't blame him for how he feels.
Quote:
We have just finished marriage counseling, (5 sessions, I believe) and it basically boils down to me not knowing how Terry is and my husband demanding I tell him who Terry is. Our therapist asked me husband if he would be able to start over and forgive me for what I have done, including the things he believes I'm lying about. He said "no way in hell". The therapist then asked me if I would be willing to live in a loveless marriage. My husband wants to stay married for the sake of our daugther. There is no sign of affection towards me, he doesn't not want to make love to me. He says he loves me and always will but it seems it's not the kind of love I'm looking for or the kind of love I need.
Well, what YOU need would have been good for discussion before you cheated. But now that you have, its a secondary consideration, at least until something can be resolved with your H.
Quote:
I feel that my husband enjoys pressuring me about Terry. He enjoys it when I can't answer the question. He seems satisfied when I end up being frustrated over not knowing who Terry is.
Trust me, he does NOT enjoy it. He is angry, upset, hurt. Even after 3 years, you have to know that you have given him a something horrible to think about. There is nothing enjoyable about it. Cheating is tantamount to mental/emotional abuse. And it has long lasting consequences.
Quote:
I believe this is his way of punishing me.
You may be partially correct. But take it from an x-BS, its his way of letting you know he isn't going to be played for a fool any longer.
Quote:
That's my story. I'm sorry if I rambled on. I don't have anyone to talk to (my best friend is my husband) and guess I just had the need to talk. Any advise is welcomed.
If counseling isn't working, and your husband doesn't seem like he can get over this, it may be time to move on. Not because you deserve it, but for his sake more than anything. And if you decide this, I guarantee he will not want to go for it because he wants his kids to be in an intact home.
We have made some progress in 3.5 years. It's small but it's there. In the beginning he said he doesn't trust me at all. In a recent session with the therapist he said he doesn't trust me completely. That's a big difference to me and it gave me a bunch of hope. He also said that he knows there wasn't any physical contact with OM, whereas before he insisted that there was.
Thats the part about being irrelevant to most people whether it was an emotional affair, or physical.
Because one knows that the odds are in the favor of a physical affair spawning from an EA if the opportunity presented itself.
clearly there are people that have betrayed trust again and again, only to wake up one day and turn everything around.
The first 7 years of my marriage my husband was an abusive drunk. I was "totally worthless **** to him", it was okay for him to crash my head into the walls, pour beer onto me and humiliate me infront of his friends at any opportunity. This is what alcohol can do. One day he woke up and he hasn't been drinking a drop of alcohol in almost 10 years. I didn't trust him the first few years, I took it day by day but there was a point where I knew he would never EVER drink again or hit me again. How did I know that? He changed his behavior, he changed his ways, he didn't come home drunk. Day by day by day.
I don't think we would have made it through this had I yelled at him "You're an abuser and wife beater!" on a daily basis the way you just had to inform me that I have cheated and lied to my husband.
I understand you must have been very hurt and I wish this world was a better place where nobody ever has to endure failure, pain and dispair.
I was the one to initiate counseling, I was the one to volunteer complete transparency without having to be told, I immediately stopped all contact without having to be told, I also willingly agreed to a lie detector test (which I passed). I'm doing it to this day and will for the rest of my life and it's absolutely fine by me because I have no desire to go down that road ever again. My husband knows this, my family knows this, his parents know it.
Of course, you can call me whatever you want. I don't know you and I honestly don't care for your advise. It doesn't help me or my husband at all other than transpire your bitterness, which I don't doubt for a moment, you don't deserve.
Sure didn't expect any sympathy from anyone here but I also didn't expect to be bashed.
Edited for the possibility of getting it wrong:
There are days where I feel like I need to concentrate on my job more than on my marriage because I need to make a living. On those days, I can't stand being called a liar. I lied to my husband and I cheated - it's a fact, it's the reason why I'm here. Today, I simply didn't feel that I needed to be told for the millionth time. I'm sorry that I yelled at you.
Online-cheated on my husband 
. 
