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post #136 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 07:43 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

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You shouldn't have let her know until just before it was to happen.She will be googling how to beat a poly by now.Your best plan is to try thinking outside the box with the questions you ask her.Instead of asking her had she any physical interaction with the om,ask her how many times they had physically touched in the last fifteen years.Do not ask her has she sent him photos of her but ask her how many nude pics she has sent him.She will be expecting certain questions so don't ask her them.Ask her how many gifts he has given her or she given him.


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post #137 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 07:44 PM
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

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She said she would. However her words mean little to now its actions I need to see
Surely its best to do the poly now so that you know the truth before you decide what to do?
I guess the phone call with the OM's wife will be telling. She may even know more than you already, or can find out more than you know. I hope for you sake that she isn't lying yet again.
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post #138 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 08:17 PM
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Any way back from 2nd EA?

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Originally Posted by Andy1001 View Post
You shouldn't have let her know until just before it was to happen.She will be googling how to beat a poly by now.Your best plan is to try thinking outside the box with the questions you ask her.Instead of asking her had she any physical interaction with the om,ask her how many times they had physically touched in the last fifteen years.Do not ask her has she sent him photos of her but ask her how many nude pics she has sent him.She will be expecting certain questions so don't ask her them.Ask her how many gifts he has given her or she given him.


I had my H take a poly.... my main concern was verifying that his EA was never a PA.

One thing to keep in mind is that only yes or no questions are allowed and you will be limited to 3-4 questions.

Mine centered on whether he was still in contact with OW, had they gone PA, and were there any other OW I did not know about.

I did not tell him what the questions were in advance.

He was willing to take it and did pass. No parking lot confession.

One piece of advice I got here on TAM that made a lot of sense to me was to NOT do a poly if you don't think you will believe the results. If she passes, will you accept the results? If you think you will still have doubts, don't waste your money.

I was also clear with H that while I believe he never had a PA, he wasn't off the hook for the EA. We still had work to do (still do).

BTW, it was relatively affordable ... I think we paid $275-295. This past fall. Worth it if it helps your marriage.




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Last edited by heartbroken50; 02-14-2017 at 11:40 PM.
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post #139 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 01:20 AM
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

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I had my H take a poly.... my main concern was verifying that his EA was never a PA.

One thing to keep in mind is that only yes or no questions are allowed and you will be limited to 3-4 questions.

Mine centered on whether he was still in contact with OW, had they gone PA, and were there any other OW I did not know about.

I did not tell him what the questions were in advance.

He was willing to take it and did pass. No parking lot confession.

One piece of advice I got here on TAM that made a lot of sense to me was to NOT do a poly if you don't think you will believe the results. If she passes, will you accept the results? If you think you will still have doubts, don't waste your money.

I was also clear with H that while I believe he never had a PA, he wasn't off the hook for the EA. We still had work to do (still do).

BTW, it was relatively affordable ... I think we paid $275-295. This past fall. Worth it if it helps your marriage.




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Hi.That was why I made the point about being limited to three or four questions,you really are not going to find out a lot.The really good testers charge thousands but you may still get the same result.It is only by asking dozens,even hundreds of questions that a pattern will emerge.You have to ask completely innocuous questions during the test to compare readings.
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post #140 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 04:19 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

Well my lead on OMW turned cold. Back to the drawing board.
She has a Facebook account but aren't sure OM isn't going to see any private message and shut it down. Any suggestions on angles I can work? I know their home phone number but I see that as risky. He's semi retired and likely to be at home. I need her to be somewhere that she can composer herself after the news to focus her on the job at hand without OM catch on.
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post #141 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 06:19 AM
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

Don't get cute - just call the home number.

'My name is CJ, my wife worked with your husband at Big Company. Are you available to speak privately for a few moments?"

The important thing is that she knows. There will never be a perfect time for her to find out. He may get a sooner opportunity to lie his way out, but you have hard proof.

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post #142 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 06:57 AM
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

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Originally Posted by cjadek View Post
Well my lead on OMW turned cold. Back to the drawing board.
She has a Facebook account but aren't sure OM isn't going to see any private message and shut it down. Any suggestions on angles I can work? I know their home phone number but I see that as risky. He's semi retired and likely to be at home. I need her to be somewhere that she can composer herself after the news to focus her on the job at hand without OM catch on.
Call the home # from a pay phone, or block your number. If he answers, simply ask to speak to her. If he asks who's speaking, tell him it's Joe from work, or simply that it's work-related.

If she answers, there you go. As said above, ask her if she has a few minutes to speak in private, and that you're not selling anything.

Simply start the conversation by asking her if she knows your wife's name, or who she is. That will immediately tell you if she's aware that she even exists. If she is, then you can skip a lot of explaining and she's more likely to stay on the phone longer and listen to you.

IMO, if you, for whatever reason aren't able to reach her after a certain period of time (maybe give it a few weeks?), then just speak to HIM, man-to-man, without losing your cool (if you do, he'll likely hang up and you'll never be able to reach either of them).

I think all you have to say to him is that if he ever contacts your wife again (or even replies to her attempts to contact him) you will immediately contact HIS wife. You DO actually have a paper trail, and you can directly quote from some of his messages if he needs proof.

You may have to BS him a little, and tell him your wife has given up all her passwords and you have full access to her devices, so even if he thinks he's smart and tries to contact her through alternative means, he'll be fearful you'll see them.

You could also let him know that the next time you're in his neck of the woods, you'll be more than happy to swing by their house (or her workplace) and say hi.

Last, you could go the old-school route and actually write a letter. Send it registered mail to her workplace (if you know it). Include printed-out screen caps of his and your wife's conversations.

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post #143 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 07:56 AM
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

@cjadek - a few comments from my side.

Good reasons to tell OM's W
From a moral perspective, she has the right to know.
From a consequences perspective, the affair needs to see the light of day.
From a preventative perspective, the affair is far less likely to go on in any way if both your wife and the OM are being monitored by their respective spouses.

Less good reason to tell OM's W
The OM's W is an asset to be exploited to get additional information/confirmation (and I really get this, believe me, I do).

You need to bear a few things in mind:

1. You are telling her something that might be devastating to her. A few hours to compose herself apart from her husband is not going to make a huge difference. (If I'd been phoned when my husband was not with me, then the first thing I would have done is call him after receiving that call. Remember that thinking strategically is not likely at that point)
2. Unless she has amazing coping skills, she isn't even going to be able to think about looking for more information for you. She will want to see what you have first. She also needs to have some say in how to proceed from that point on. It is her life too.
3. You are a complete stranger to her. If a stranger asked me to start spying on my husband (even with the information that you're going to tell her), I am far more likely to either confront my husband, or perhaps I may start snooping (but in my own way, at my own pace).
4. She has no inherent loyalty to you. She may share a desire to get to the truth. But, in truth, you do not have her best interests at heart - you have your own. (This is as it should be, by the way).

So, if you're hoping that by telling her, you're getting a spy in the enemy camp, then I think that you are going to be disappointed. Don't try and manipulate her, just call her at home. If you're worried that you might give yourself away if the OM answers, then get someone to play switchboard operator for you and ask to speak to her.

I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.
― C.S. Lewis
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post #144 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 08:07 AM
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

The app "text now" will give you a different phone number to call from.

But yes, just make the call to their home.


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post #145 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 08:33 AM
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

Quote:
Originally Posted by cjadek View Post
Well my lead on OMW turned cold. Back to the drawing board.
She has a Facebook account but aren't sure OM isn't going to see any private message and shut it down. Any suggestions on angles I can work? I know their home phone number but I see that as risky. He's semi retired and likely to be at home. I need her to be somewhere that she can composer herself after the news to focus her on the job at hand without OM catch on.
My advice is to don't do facebook, text, emails or any form of written communication. It has a way of coming back to haunt you. Call the woman at home. If a man answers, pretend you're calling about a car on craigslist or some other non-sense or keep saying "hello, can you hear me" two or three time and hang up. You can try facebook and linkedin to see if she has a place of employment listed.


If you don't embody controversy, what you say will become just another part of the media driven culture of stifling thought and debate about issues.
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post #146 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 09:32 AM
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

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Originally Posted by cjadek View Post
Well my lead on OMW turned cold. Back to the drawing board.
She has a Facebook account but aren't sure OM isn't going to see any private message and shut it down. Any suggestions on angles I can work? I know their home phone number but I see that as risky. He's semi retired and likely to be at home. I need her to be somewhere that she can composer herself after the news to focus her on the job at hand without OM catch on.
I made a whole post about this and got destroyed for it, but I will ask you directly do you really want to be married to someone you need to use a machine on to know if they are telling the truth. I mean if I had told you before you got married this is where you would be what would you have done. Are you so sure your life won't just be better moving on? What is your motive to stay married? If I ask you that question deep down what is it? Is it that this is just what you have known for 15 years or whatever and you feel safe and don't like change? What if I could guarantee you that you would be just as happy as you were before if you left? Are you sure you are not settling?
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post #147 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 09:58 AM
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

Whatjew mean, got destroyed by it? You didn't get destroyed. Other just didn't want to hear what you said, (look at the demonstrations that are going on), meaning you were probably on the money.

If you don't embody controversy, what you say will become just another part of the media driven culture of stifling thought and debate about issues.
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post #148 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 09:48 AM
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

Sooooo????


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post #149 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 11:14 AM
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

CJ, am I correct in understanding that English is not your, or your wife's, or the POSOM's first language - is that correct ? What language will the poly be in ?

This is my quest, to follow that star
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far
To fight for the right, without question or pause
To be willing to march into Hell, for a Heavenly cause
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post #150 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 12:45 PM
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

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Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
Are you sure you are not settling?
I especially liked your last question. Betrayed spouses often end up settling for continued marriage to a spouse that they can't trust. The fact that his wife has now put the OP through this twice has ruined any chance of real peace, closeness, and happiness in his marriage.
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