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post #46 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-11-2017, 05:20 AM
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

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Originally Posted by cjadek View Post
I haven't told the OM's W as I haven't been bothered until now to research where the poor woman lives or even what her name is.

I will follow up on this in due course it's just not a high priority for me right now.


If the OM were MY husband, I'd want to know PRONTO that my husband has been secretly "in love" with another, for all those years!!!

How can you leave her out of this???? She deserves to know!


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post #47 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-11-2017, 05:57 AM
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

I would consult a professional counselor if I were you, CJ. You are getting a lot of emotional feedback here on TAM. Combined with your own turbulent emotional state right now, that is unlikely to lead you to a healthy place.

Professional counseling, otoh, could be calming and clarifying.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #48 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-11-2017, 06:10 AM
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

OP I know your Life is shattered and you're in pain, and you are experiencing tremendous amount of fear OK stop and breathe take care yourself make sure you eat drink water and try to get sleep. Go to your doctor if you need help with anxiety or sleep aid. You really need to take the advice these good people are giving you.! Everyone here is either going through our been through this Hell you are in right now. So they know your pain. The sooner you start taking action like telling his wife right now.! You will start feeling better about your situation the more positive action you take. If you have any questions that's what we're here for.! keep posting and we will help walk you through this nightmare. Take the suggestions that were given to you by the good people of TAM and Keep posting...!!!

Spartans lay down your weapons.! "Persian come and get them"

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post #49 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-11-2017, 07:36 AM
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

Quote:
Originally Posted by cjadek View Post
She responds with something like "I told him I wasn't interested in anything but being his friend I told him I waited along time for you to come into my life and I would never do anything to harm that (sounds contradictory in the current context eh!). He said he can accept that but just wants to keep in contact just to know how I'm doing"
If you asked her, "did you sleep with him?" what was her response? If you haven't been this specific with your questions, do it and note her reaction. Your looking for an unequivocal, straight forward, and angry "no". Think about your response if your neighbor asked you if you stole his lawn mower.

If you don't embody controversy, what you say will become just another part of the media driven culture of stifling thought and debate about issues.
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post #50 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-11-2017, 07:56 AM
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Cool Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

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Originally Posted by Malaise View Post
Is this accurate?

This may be the case of her being honest for once. And lying about saying no?
I'd equate this dialogue of hers to being little more than just plain old "trickle-truthing!"

Truth be told, I'd absolutely love to have been a gnat on the wall to have heard the actual dialogue of what she told this POSOM of hers and the resultant, deceptive laughter that it evoked from the both of them!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #51 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-11-2017, 10:17 AM
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

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Originally Posted by cjadek View Post
Thanks all for your thoughtful and thought provoking replies, I've learnt allot about my situation and myself and how I plan to proceed.

I'm getting my W to write a timeline of the EA and encourage her to leave nothing out, obviously dates will be sketchy given the timeline but the interactions won't be whatever they were (PA).

Then I'm going to hit her with a poly to prove that timeline isn't more lies and half truths anything but full, frank and total honesty will be terminal for our marriage.

Anyway thanks to you all I am now much more comfortable with whatever and however this turns out. I read the 180 and have implement my version of it, I call it the 135. I woke up this morning full of purpose because no matter what happens I am awesome and I'll be just fine with or without her.

The more she's talked about it the more I'm being swaying by fact my W's father died in her mid teens which totally rocked her world as he was her world, and she viewed OM as a sympathetic father figure (he is 12-15 years older) who listened intently and told her the nice things she wanted to hear, things a Dad might say. Please comment on this as my bull**** filter is clearly not functioning 100%. The email trail from both of my discoveries align with this.

She has been at painful lengths to say there has been and never ever was any PA. Too me there is a possibility there was before we were married. She is convincing, but pathological liers are aren't they!!

The bottom line is I gave my W a 2nd chance when many wouldn't have and she slammed that goodwill/trust (some say naivety) back into my face then lied to my face to cover up detail.
I, for one, think you're doing the right thing. Your reactions may have started out a little rocky, but that's hard to prevent.

None of us, including you, can say for sure whether she had a PA with this man, but I simply don't see the signs. I think, at worst, they may have been physical before she met you. From what you've read (which is obviously not all of their interactions over these years, granted) you haven't seen anything that points to romantic love on her part, let alone anything sexual.

I stand by what I said in my previous post on page 1 - that she is fully aware of HIS feelings towards her, however she does not feel the same about him. She MAY have tried to go that route with him prior to her relationship with you, but that's neither her nor there, IMO.

That said - she should not still be in contact with him, constant or otherwise. But not because he's any type of threat to your marriage. More because this is entirely disrespectful to you, your feelings, and the marriage as a whole.

There are people out there who can maintain friendships with exes, or are comfortable with their partners doing so. However, in the vast majority of those cases, neither ex views the person in a romantic way. This guy does.

That alone should be enough for your wife to have put a stop to this years ago.

"Every time I read your posts about your wife I want to swallow strychnine."
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post #52 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-11-2017, 11:01 AM
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

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Originally Posted by jld View Post
I would consult a professional counselor if I were you, CJ. You are getting a lot of emotional feedback here on TAM. Combined with your own turbulent emotional state right now, that is unlikely to lead you to a healthy place.

Professional counseling, otoh, could be calming and clarifying.
Of course he is getting emotional feedback it is an emotional problem,he doesn't trust her.What would you suggest?
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post #53 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-11-2017, 12:22 PM
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

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Originally Posted by dianaelaine59 View Post
If the OM were MY husband, I'd want to know PRONTO that my husband has been secretly "in love" with another, for all those years!!!

How can you leave her out of this???? She deserves to know!


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if she was me I would definitely want to know.
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post #54 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-11-2017, 12:24 PM
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

Asking her to write a time line isnt going to help. You cant possible know if she is telling the truth. Cheaters always lie until you present them with proof.
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post #55 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-11-2017, 02:43 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

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Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
Asking her to write a time line isnt going to help. You cant possible know if she is telling the truth. Cheaters always lie until you present them with proof.
I guess all I can do is apply the blow-torch and follow that with the Poly and see what comes out of the wood work.

I have managed to at least find the OMs W on facebook (she looks lovely) and I know where she works and where they live.
I will phone her at work as phoning the home number may see OM answering the phone. I haven't been able to find email address.

I'm hoping that she will collaborate with me and stealth into OMs email and get all correspondence, lock stock and barrel.

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post #56 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-11-2017, 02:45 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

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Originally Posted by VladDracul View Post
If you asked her, "did you sleep with him?" what was her response? If you haven't been this specific with your questions, do it and note her reaction. Your looking for an unequivocal, straight forward, and angry "no". Think about your response if your neighbor asked you if you stole his lawn mower.
"No I f**king have not (angry and resilient tone) I have never thought of him in that way"
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post #57 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-11-2017, 02:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

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Originally Posted by alexm View Post
I think, at worst, they may have been physical before she met you. From what you've read (which is obviously not all of their interactions over these years, granted) you haven't seen anything that points to romantic love on her part, let alone anything sexual.
Just to be clear, they met after we started living together but before we were married.
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post #58 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-11-2017, 03:13 PM
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

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Originally Posted by cjadek View Post
I guess all I can do is apply the blow-torch and follow that with the Poly and see what comes out of the wood work.

I have managed to at least find the OMs W on facebook (she looks lovely) and I know where she works and where they live.
I will phone her at work as phoning the home number may see OM answering the phone. I haven't been able to find email address.

I'm hoping that she will collaborate with me and stealth into OMs email and get all correspondence, lock stock and barrel.
Have you mentioned the polygraph to your wife? Does she know that you are going to phone the OM's wife? If she does she has probably warned him.
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post #59 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-11-2017, 04:12 PM
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

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Originally Posted by cjadek View Post
I have managed to at least find the OMs W on facebook (she looks lovely) and I know where she works and where they live.
I will phone her at work as phoning the home number may see OM answering the phone.
Do not tell your wife that you’re going to contact the OMW. If you do your wife will warn him and the OM will tell his wife that some crazy man might contact her.

Introduce yourself. Give your name and contact information and tell her to feel free to contact you anytime. Have your proof ready. Dates are really good if you have them. If your wife was gone on a certain night she can see if her husband was gone on the same night.
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post #60 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-11-2017, 04:38 PM
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

I keep coming back to the "Trust me or we should separate" statement.

Is she continuing to say this? It is not uncommon for a wife in an affair (EA or PA) with another man to ask for a separation.
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