Any way back from 2nd EA? - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
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post #76 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 01:54 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

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Originally Posted by alexm View Post
Ah, okay.

I still stand by my thoughts, although I suppose it's possible she did carry on a brief physical affair at that point.

It just doesn't seem to me that she did, given what you've told us.

Once you moved far away from him, it likely would have ended entirely OR there would be occasional mention of their previous tryst.
Just to add some more context.
When I first discovered the relationship she said she would never have any contact with OM again and I'm pretty sure she didn't until OM bumped into Ws cousin, he asked Ws cousin to ask W to contact him just to let him know she was OK.
She obviously did that (at that point in time she broke her no more contact promise) and the EA started up again and they meet for lunch not long before we left the country. The time between these events was 3 years.
Once we had moved countries 18 months went by before any further contact, it was a few emails and a phone call. Then another year went by then a few emails and a phone call.
My W has had trouble settling into our new life as she is away from her family and was using him as sympathetic ear, to be fair OM was saying that's like "you owe it to yourself, your husband and family to accept where you are and to be happy". Which is good advice from a friend albeit an inappropriate one that shouldn't have been around to give said advice.

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post #77 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 01:54 PM
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

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It was an attempt to shut you up and control the narrative.
And it worked,he is rug sweeping at an Olympic level.She shows him some edited texts and he is lapping them up like a man lost in the desert who is given a can of coke.I think he will be back here in a few years with the same story.
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post #78 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 02:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

I'm certain there has been no further contact between W and OM since I rediscovered the EA.
1. I'm an IT pro and have pretty much everything covered from email, whatsapp, viber etc even with deleted messages.
2. W and OM are IT numpties (my wife isn't aware of recycle bin in her email for example)
3. I control both the home phone and her mobile phone bills so I have real time data.
4. I have iCloud backing up her phone daily so can see app chat data even deleted messages.

The time zones between where we live now and where OM lives is typically 12 hours so it really would be difficult for them talk. Previous phone call were carefully planned via email so OMs W and myself weren't about and there is only a small window in the morning and at night that those phone calls are possible.

We haven't been back to visit since we left but are planning a trip later this year. Unfortunately OM and W had planned to catch up for lunch during that trip.

Not sure where I'm going with this just giving more info.

Thanks to all for your input even the stuff I don't want to hear!!!! I am reading every post even though I may not be responding to every question.
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post #79 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 02:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

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And it worked,he is rug sweeping at an Olympic level.She shows him some edited texts and he is lapping them up like a man lost in the desert who is given a can of coke.I think he will be back here in a few years with the same story.
An attempt it may be but I am certainly not lapping it up on the contrary, nothing is being swept. I am now strong and have clarity (in no small part due to the advice and caring from this forum).

My favorite quote is. "cheat me once shame on you, cheat me twice shame on me"
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post #80 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 02:27 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

I'm also looking for some advice on how approach OMs W.
It will be a phone call to her place of work.

My current thinking is I will start off with something like "This is CJ (then spell my surname) my email address is CJ@gmail.com (my real email is very easy to remember) could you please write that down.
What I'm aiming for here is if she has a adverse response (which is highly likely) and hangs up then calms down later she will have a way of contacting me.

Then I'm going to say I have an disputable and undeniable email trail that proves your H and my W have been having, at best case, an EA on and off for the last 14 years and I'm happy to send her that email trail.

I want to convince her stay calm and not approach her H but to work with me to find more correspondence. If she can get access to her Hs email she could possibly get 95% of it.

This email trail will be harder for her to read than it has been for me as her H has been persistently declaring undying love for my W and my W has not once reciprocated feelings of love. (I differentiate "I love you" and "lots of love").

Any and all suggestions welcome.
CJ
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post #81 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 02:31 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

Forgot to mention I'm seeing an IC today and we have a MC session booked for tomorrow.

Does anyone think having the same person doing IC and MC is a conflict of interest?
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post #82 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 03:48 PM
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

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Originally Posted by cjadek View Post
I'm also looking for some advice on how approach OMs W.

It will be a phone call to her place of work.



My current thinking is I will start off with something like "This is CJ (then spell my surname) my email address is CJ@gmail.com (my real email is very easy to remember) could you please write that down.

What I'm aiming for here is if she has a adverse response (which is highly likely) and hangs up then calms down later she will have a way of contacting me.



Then I'm going to say I have an disputable and undeniable email trail that proves your H and my W have been having, at best case, an EA on and off for the last 14 years and I'm happy to send her that email trail.



I want to convince her stay calm and not approach her H but to work with me to find more correspondence. If she can get access to her Hs email she could possibly get 95% of it.



This email trail will be harder for her to read than it has been for me as her H has been persistently declaring undying love for my W and my W has not once reciprocated feelings of love. (I differentiate "I love you" and "lots of love").



Any and all suggestions welcome.

CJ


This is EXACTLY how you do it. Keep it short and sweet. It's going to be a very hard thing to do but you are a good man for doing this for her (and a brave one to be doing all of the right things in your own marriage at this point).

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post #83 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 03:50 PM
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

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Originally Posted by cjadek View Post
Forgot to mention I'm seeing an IC today and we have a MC session booked for tomorrow.



Does anyone think having the same person doing IC and MC is a conflict of interest?


Not necessarily - if you have the right one then no.

However, while this isn't a hard rule, MC can be frustrating at this point. She can lie to MC as well as she can to you. The recommended path is IC then MC. Again, this isn't a hard and fast rule like 'you must expose asap', this depends a lot on the people and the situation.

While there isn't a conflict it's also not a bad idea to taste test more than one. A bad counselor can do significant harm

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post #84 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 03:53 PM
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

Keep it short and to the point. If she knows nothing about this it will clearly upset her, especially the parts where her husband declared love for your wife.
I believe that you have told your wife of your intentions to tell his wife, if so she may have warned him and he may have told her anyway.
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post #85 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 04:04 PM
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

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Originally Posted by cjadek View Post
Forgot to mention I'm seeing an IC today and we have a MC session booked for tomorrow.



Does anyone think having the same person doing IC and MC is a conflict of interest?


My H and I had the same provider for IC and MC. I fired him as IC since I found he was trying to be too friendly and easy on our issues. I actually walked out of MC and told him to F off my H quit IC after that.

Didn't work so well for us, lol.


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post #86 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 04:25 PM
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

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Originally Posted by cjadek View Post
Just to add some more context.

When I first discovered the relationship she said she would never have any contact with OM again and I'm pretty sure she didn't until OM bumped into Ws cousin, he asked Ws cousin to ask W to contact him just to let him know she was OK.

She obviously did that (at that point in time she broke her no more contact promise) and the EA started up again and they meet for lunch not long before we left the country. The time between these events was 3 years.

Once we had moved countries 18 months went by before any further contact, it was a few emails and a phone call. Then another year went by then a few emails and a phone call.

My W has had trouble settling into our new life as she is away from her family and was using him as sympathetic ear, to be fair OM was saying that's like "you owe it to yourself, your husband and family to accept where you are and to be happy". Which is good advice from a friend albeit an inappropriate one that shouldn't have been around to give said advice.


Ummmm yes but .... if my husband tells me to stop talking to someone because it upsets him, and because this man told me he loved me, that would be it, I would stop immediately.

Immediately, and would never respond to any correspondence from him ever again. PERIOD!!!


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post #87 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 04:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

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Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
Keep it short and to the point. If she knows nothing about this it will clearly upset her, especially the parts where her husband declared love for your wife.
I believe that you have told your wife of your intentions to tell his wife, if so she may have warned him and he may have told her anyway.
I did say to W that I was going to inform OMs W but haven't mentioned it since and allot of water has passed under the bridge since then so I don't think it's even on her radar, plus I said I'd need her help as I don't where to start looking. Once I realised that I screwed up telling her that I taken it under ground which is what I should've done in the first place.

Secondly W is extremely unlikely to have contacted OM about this or anything else. A month ago she wrote him an email that I was apart of to OM outlining how much their correspondence had hurt me and jeopardized our M and she would never be in touch again and asked him to respect hers/ours wishes.
I am checking daily for any sign of comms and as expected nothing to date so highly improbable.

I did screw up though, I sent OM an email the day after Ws email outlining what I thought of him a married man constantly declaring undying love for my W and how would he think his family would feel reading the email trail. I did however say this as a question as opposed to a threat. The worst case here is he's gone and covered his tracks (deleted all emails from W) which wouldn't be great but not terminal as I still have the last 2 years worth safely storage in cloud. I certainly doubt he would've confess to his wife based on my email as it was non threatening just my feelings.

On a different note while researching OMW I did discover that OM and OMW were married early in 2013 (just a few weeks before we moved countries and close to time they meet for lunch) and as they have 2 adult children and W said he was already married but it wasn't a happy marriage I'm guessing this was a vow renewal, I guess that proves he was either feeding my W lies about the state of his marriage or he's a complete ****wit renewing his vows all the while actively declaring his love for my W at every opportunity. I've got a photo of OM and OMW on the day (from facebook) they renewed their vows smiling away, I'm going to swipe that smile of his smug face I was originally going to show my W the photo to show her the human face of the other victim a real human, but I've pulled my head in as that would alert her to the fact that I'm actually going to contact OMW. (See I'm learning!!!)
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post #88 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 04:30 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

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Originally Posted by dianaelaine59 View Post
Ummmm yes but .... if my husband tells me to stop talking to someone because it upsets him, and because this man told me he loved me, that would be it, I would stop immediately.

Immediately, and would never respond to any correspondence from him ever again. PERIOD!!!


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And this my friends is where I have the biggest problem. Not only did she not stop interactions with OM as soon as he declared his love, she took the 2nd chance I gave her and slapped me between the eyes with it and it's that I may never get over.
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post #89 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 04:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

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Originally Posted by heartbroken50 View Post
My H and I had the same provider for IC and MC. I fired him as IC since I found he was trying to be too friendly and easy on our issues. I actually walked out of MC and told him to F off my H quit IC after that.

Didn't work so well for us, lol.


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I will keep that firmly in mind in my IC session today. If he is to be effective in MC he needs to listen and understand my position as sugar coating this won't be acceptable.
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post #90 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 04:52 PM
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

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Originally Posted by cjadek View Post
"This is CJ (then spell my surname) my email address is CJ@gmail.com (my real email is very easy to remember) could you please write that down.
What I'm aiming for here is if she has a adverse response (which is highly likely) and hangs up then calms down later she will have a way of contacting me.
CJ
To me, that's a little bit too much sugar for a quarter. If you received a call from an unknown party asking that you write down their email in the first five seconds of the call, what would you do?
I'd be straight forward and tell her your calling her to seek her advice on a friendship that has gone on between her husband and your wife for the last 15 years that been too close for comfort for your taste. If she hangs up, call back in a couple of days.

If you don't embody controversy, what you say will become just another part of the media driven culture of stifling thought and debate about issues.
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