Any way back from 2nd EA? - Page 9 - Talk About Marriage
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post #121 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 03:39 PM
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

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Thoughts on showing her this thread when/if the time is right?
Like if she is faithful for 15 years. Right now if you want to make a point that was made here summarize it in a letter coming from you in your own words. Right now though it's better to keep her guessing, remember you never should give away your position when you are being strategic and getting out of infidelity take strategy.

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post #122 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 04:20 PM
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

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Thoughts on showing her this thread when/if the time is right?
When the time is right, yes.

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post #123 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 04:47 PM
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

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Thoughts on showing her this thread when/if the time is right?
Not if you need this place to help YOU.

Why don't you start by getting her the book "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass. It will very clearly show her that she was indeed cheating on YOU all those years. It will also show her that what this OM was indeed doing was grooming her and cheating on his wife by the language he used to refer to your wife. He is not her father, and her seeing him like that is wrong on so many levels that she needs her eyes opened wide. Dr. Shirley Glass will set her straight.

EAs are more damaging to marriages, in many instances, than PAs.

How would your wife feel if you wrote to another woman what she has allowed this weasel to write to her?

If she thinks that what she was doing was not wrong, she is not worth keeping. Physical affair or not, the damage is big. She has a faithful loving husband of 15 years and 3 kids that could be devastated because she couldn't put a stop to an old fart that disrespected his wife of 20 years to feed lies in your wife's ear. What is she made of? What decent woman would let a man disrespect their wife with what he professed to feel for a much younger married woman?

He has no respect what so ever. I can't believe she couldn't see past this?

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.

Last edited by Bibi1031; 02-13-2017 at 10:23 PM.
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post #124 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 05:13 PM
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

If you tell her about this thread then there is a real chance your wife will find out.

Honestly, these first few weeks are the busiest in terms of having things to do, but you'll have some pretty privileged monitoring information, etc perhaps compromised.

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post #125 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 08:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

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If you tell her about this thread then there is a real chance your wife will find out.

Honestly, these first few weeks are the busiest in terms of having things to do, but you'll have some pretty privileged monitoring information, etc perhaps compromised.
Heard you loud and clear.

Being able to get real advice from real people who have the battle scars is invaluable.
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post #126 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 10:02 PM
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

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Thoughts on showing her this thread when/if the time is right?
You are talking about showing OMW this thread and not your wife -- right.

I don't know if you should show OMW this thread, but you can certainly refer her to this website for help if she would like to start her own thread.
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post #127 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 07:14 AM
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

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I agree that it certainly shows bad very bad character from the OM.

He's not shown respect for her marriage OR her husband, at all!


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Nor has she, unfortunately.

But some people are just completely pig-headed with this sort of thing. Or also oblivious. Or a combination of the two.

But, as we all (should) know, he's not much of a friend to her if he's constantly wedging himself in on their marriage and professing his love to her. If he can't help but feel that way about her, fine, but keep it to yourself and respect not just her marriage, but HER. Professing your undying love to somebody who is not available is not respectful in the least. She should see that, but clearly she doesn't.

"Every time I read your posts about your wife I want to swallow strychnine."
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post #128 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 12:18 PM
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

CJ - everything working out as intended?

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post #129 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 12:32 PM
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

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It was clear from the text's that this man was madly in love with my wife saying things like 'You're the love of my life and I love you so much' she never told him she loved him but would sign off with things like "lots of love and hugs xxx" but never made an effort to repal these outbursts of undying love. I confronted her about this and she broke down begged me not to leave her and promised me on our childrens life that she would never have any contact with this man again and it was only ever a friendship and that it wasn't a PA.
But you saw right through her pity party and dumped her right?

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I took her word for that.
***Cringe***

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Fast forward 6 years and we now have 3 children and have moved back to the country of my birth. I was on our family laptop doing some work and I accidently click on her work gmail account instead of my gmail account to find an unread email sitting right there from the same man. I can't describe how I felt, I nearly vomitted into my mouth it was like deja-vu.
Well, at least you learned your lesson from the first time and you're ready to dump her now?

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Is there anyway back from this even though we love each other and have 3 children.
***Cringe***

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I feel so hurt and betrayed.
The first time you had every right to feel this way. The second time, it's on you friend.

You can't blame the flame for burning you, if you keep sticking your hand into the damn fire.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #130 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 03:37 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

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CJ - everything working out as intended?
I think so, I've read alot and feel educated in the dark art of infidelity.
I dropped the poly on W this morning and it got the desired reaction and reply.
I am calling OMW tonight so looking forward to that.
I'm starting to see what I think is true remorse from W. I'm a also now getting clarity on the Ws defects that allowed this mess to eventuate and and also mine. I'm sharing these with her IC in a well thought-out constructive manner and W is also seeing and acknowledging them, which I see as positive.

I'm not ready to R yet but I'm seeing a path that I and no one else is driving that may just get there.

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post #131 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 03:48 PM
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

You know what's worse than having your spouse cheat on you the first time? Giving them a second chance, and them betraying you again. Because that second chance should mean everything to them. And then you feel like such a fool for taking a chance that their remorse is genuine - after giving up more years of your life.

You're at another cross roads. This time it's "shame on me" if you give her a third chance.

Last edited by badmemory; 02-14-2017 at 04:02 PM.
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post #132 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 03:59 PM
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

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Originally Posted by cjadek View Post
I think so, I've read alot and feel educated in the dark art of infidelity.
I dropped the poly on W this morning and it got the desired reaction and reply.
I am calling OMW tonight so looking forward to that.
I'm starting to see what I think is true remorse from W. I'm a also now getting clarity on the Ws defects that allowed this mess to eventuate and and also mine. I'm sharing these with her IC in a well thought-out constructive manner and W is also seeing and acknowledging them, which I see as positive.

I'm not ready to R yet but I'm seeing a path that I and no one else is driving that may just get there.
Its easy to say sorry when you have been caught. Is she happy to do the poly?
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post #133 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 04:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

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Its easy to say sorry when you have been caught. Is she happy to do the poly?
She said she would. However her words mean little to now its actions I need to see
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post #134 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 05:05 PM
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

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She said she would. However her words mean little to now its actions I need to see
You shouldn't have let her know until just before it was to happen.She will be googling how to beat a poly by now.Your best plan is to try thinking outside the box with the questions you ask her.Instead of asking her had she any physical interaction with the om,ask her how many times they had physically touched in the last fifteen years.Do not ask her has she sent him photos of her but ask her how many nude pics she has sent him.She will be expecting certain questions so don't ask her them.Ask her how many gifts he has given her or she given him.
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post #135 of 224 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 06:02 PM
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Re: Any way back from 2nd EA?

I believe otherwise but I see the logic in your view. In my years of doing this a truly potentially remorseful wife will use the long lead in to a poly to really scare herself. Like if the marriage is in any way important to her it will eat at her soul.

Because let's face it, if she fails the poly the marriage is probably over. Giving her time for her soul to eat away at her is beneficial, both because you'll hear the truth before the truth will ruin everything and because it'll give you more conviction that a true poly reading is actually true.

Also let's face it, if there is enough hidden to fail a poly your gut will know anyways. It took NP5 two of em

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