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post #1 of 67 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 08:04 AM Thread Starter
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Question Question From Wayward Spouse

I'm not going to pretty this up, because there is nothing pretty about it. I had a several month emotional affair, email and phone (not that that makes a difference). I hurt the man who was my life and loved me so deeply. It's been over a year since he found out and we still deal with this and the pain ever day. He is doing better, but i'm not. I am so guilty and I hurt so bad for what i did. But here is my question.

He knows that the om had a picture of me wearing a particular shirt. I didn't give it to him, but he downloaded off my facebook page (I will never go on facebook again btw). My husband has asked me to get rid of it. Here is the question. What would you think if i made it kind of like a ceremony where i burned the shirt, Talk about how i feel that I am becoming a different person and how I want the person i was to die. Then i'll take the ashes of the shirt, mix them with dirt, and we can plant flower seeds to bring new life from the ashes?

I feel it symbolizes a lot, but do you think it would be upsetting to him? I am so afraid that i am going to do something else to cause him pain, that I am scared to do anything. We are both in Individual Therapy and Marriage Therapy, and Last week we talked about being more spontaneous. What do you think?

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post #2 of 67 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 08:09 AM
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Question From Wayward Spouse

Just throw the shirt out. Today.

You are already not doing what he requested. He asked you to "get rid of it".

Did you do it? No. Because you are not listening to him. You want to do what you want.

Get rid of it today.

Btw, when did H ask you to get rid of it? Today i hope.
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post #3 of 67 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 08:12 AM
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Re: Question From Wayward Spouse

Absolutely!!! Do this. Make it a ceremony. Burn it. Wear black, and a nice colored silk scarf representing your new life. I threw my OM's ring over the bridge he said I'D jump off of if I ever left him, and it was symbolic and beautiful and the beginning of my new life without him.

Your affair, however wrong, hurtful, and illicit it was, was still a relationship. There'd be something wrong with you if you could just end a relationship with no emotion, no feeling, no loss.

Here, please read this article I wrote and tell me if it helps you.

Good luck, be well, and please take time for yourself when you're not busy helping your husband.

Quote:
So, you’ve had an affair. You’ve ended it, and have either confessed to your betrayed partner or been caught. The truth is out. It’s early on, only a few weeks out from D-day, and you’ve been reading, posting, and studying everything you can get your hands on about how to help your Betrayed Spouse heal from your affair. There are thousands of books for Betrayed Spouses about surviving their partner’s selfish decision to be unfaithful. There are dozens of books written to Wayward Spouses about what their broken-hearted, shattered, traumatized Betrayed Spouse needs from them right now. You know they need you. You know you’ve done a horrible thing and that you have to change. The following advice will assume you’ve already read these articles.

In my search through half a dozen books, hundreds of articles, and thousands of forum posts on multiple websites dedicated to recovering from infidelity, I noticed that something was missing. There was a wealth of good advice on how to comfort your Betrayed Spouse, but very little on how to comfort yourself. So many Wayward Spouses, whilst trying to navigate the mess they made, find themselves biting their tongues in a herculean effort not to wail, “But what about ME?!! This hurts ME too, you know!!”

And if you, as a Wayward Spouse, have ever actually said that aloud, you’ve probably been made aware of how selfish it sounds. Almost everyone who finds out about the affair, from your Betrayed Spouse to their friends and family to your co-workers to strangers on the internet, are going to be judgmental and quite possibly a little hateful towards you. They couldn’t care less if they tried about your feelings, and might even want you to suffer. This is to be expected. After all, you broke your Betrayed Spouse’s heart and very likely traumatized them for life. At the same time, though, your needs are still valid. Your pain is still valid. You may not have a right to say so out loud to your partner, but you have a right to feel how you feel. You can’t control other people’s criticism or insults. But you can still control you, and if you treat yourself well you can make this a little less agonizing on yourself.

1) Take time for yourself if at all possible. Schedule time in. Mark it on your calendar.
Most people probably don’t have this much time, but an hour on weekdays, 2-3 days a week, and several hours on Saturday or Sunday is ideal if you can spare it. You should use 2/3 of your free time to focus on helping your spouse and rebuilding your bond, and the remaining 1/3 is yours to process and heal. For example, if you have 2 hours free on a certain weeknight, 40 minutes should be dedicated to processing and healing.

This will be easier if your spouse has done the 180 and you're currently living alone. If you haven't been kicked out of the marital home, you will need to inform your Betrayed Spouse that you would like to spend X amount of time a week alone, thinking about what you've done. The fact that you’re asking for time to process will prove to them that you're trying, but you SHOULDN'T spend that time whipping yourself. Use the time to deal with the consequences of your actions, yes, but also to process and honor your emotions, and to relax and have some much-needed downtime.

You probably have restrictions now about where you can be and when and with whom. But you can work within them and carve out space for yourself even so. For example, your Betrayed Spouse might not want you to leave the house by yourself for anything other than work or errands. That’s okay. You can take up a spare bedroom with just yourself, a relaxing hobby, and/or a marriage book specifically for Wayward Spouses. Shut yourself in the bathroom and have a bubble bath with some relaxing music playing. Watch a light-hearted movie (No romances for now). If you ARE going out, offer to check in every hour, and send a text or a photo of yourself. In between check-ins, take the time to relax, pamper yourself, and process your feelings.

2) Take time to prepare for big tasks. If your spouse asks you to do something that makes you feel overwhelmed, hopeless and terrified (e.g. write a timeline, take a polygraph, or have a long conversation about the A) plan out when specifically- date and time- that you will be able to fulfill said request. Tell your spouse, "I will (insert request here), but I need some time to prepare. Can I (insert request here) for you on (date) at (time)?” Then take a break.

Process your feelings and relax until the specified time. Having a deadline or a specific time set means you can't avoid your partner's request. No excuses. It has to be done on time, but since you've taken time beforehand, you will hopefully be as relaxed and prepared as you can be when the time comes.

3) Validate yourself. During this time where it may feel like no one is there for you, be your own best friend. Be kind to yourself. Don’t lie to yourself or minimize what you’ve done, but don’t be overly harsh either. Heaven knows you get enough vitriol from everybody else. So acknowledge your successes, even if you’re the only one who will.

Validation does not mean that the affair was okay or that you should act on your feelings, only that you recognize the feelings are there. Address yourself comfortingly and soothingly without justifying the affair. For example, if you’ve gone two weeks without talking to your affair partner, you could say, “I’ve been through two weeks of missing my ex, and I survived! Someday soon, I won’t miss them anymore.” Or if your Betrayed Spouse lashes out at you, you might think to yourself, “This is really painful and difficult for me, but I’m doing the best I can, and can get through it.” If you miss your affair partner and want to call them, you might say to yourself, "It's natural to miss someone I've had a romantic/sexual relationship with, but I can't call them because I made a promise to my spouse not to hurt them anymore by contacting my ex."

4) Grieve. Most of the advice on infidelity websites states that you should never allow your feelings of sorrow to get in the way of helping your Betrayed Spouse to heal. That you should never allow your grief to be an excuse to resume the affair or to avoid personal accountability for the affair. This advice is absolutely correct, but despite what anyone else says, you do have a right to be upset.

The truth of the matter is, you’re grieving the loss of a relationship. It was a wrong relationship, an illegitimate relationship, a relationship you should never have had. But it was still something you lost. You broke up with your affair partner; it’s a breakup. Your Betrayed Spouse could very well divorce you in the aftermath of your infidelity, so you may be grieving the loss of your marriage as well.

So take some time for yourself (Preferably, the aforementioned alone time) to process your own pain. Go ahead, indulge. Eat half a pint of ice cream, play that one sad love song over and over, write your affair partner a letter and burn it. Break out the tissues and cry until you're totally spent, then wash your face and have some tea. Do all the things people do to move past a breakup, so long as nothing you’re doing is harmful (such as drinking, drugs, or texting your ex). This is a breakup, and you’re strong enough to get through it.

5) Name your feelings. An unfortunate part of being a Wayward Spouse is that you seem to forfeit the rights to your own feelings. You can’t go to your ex for comfort, your friends and family will probably be too furious with you to help you identify and process your emotions. Commonly, the advice is given that whatever you do, you can’t expect your spouse to be considerate of your feelings. Since you and your feelings for your affair partner have caused so much pain and suffering to your Betrayed Spouse, chances are pretty good that they couldn’t care less what your feelings are about your infidelity. That is valid. They have every right to be hurt, and it's a very bad idea to talk too openly and too much with your spouse about how you miss your affair partner.

BUT, your emotions are valid too, and you have a right- indeed, an obligation to yourself- to feel them in their entirety. During your aforementioned alone time, it can really help state your feelings out loud into a voice recorder, or write them down in a journal- especially if they are the sort of feelings that aren’t socially acceptable to share with others. Go into detail about your feelings. Examples might be, “I feel angry with my Betrayed Spouse because s/he isn't sympathetic towards me over the loss of my affair partner” Or, “I feel grieved because I heard a song on the radio that reminded me of my affair partner and I wish I could go see him/her”.

Your feelings may not be socially acceptable to talk about, and they may be wrong to act upon, but feelings, in and of themselves, are neither good nor bad. They are what they are, and you have the right to feel them.

If you are having trouble identifying or expressing your emotions, it would be VERY wise to get an individual counselor with experience in infidelity to vent to. They will help you process without judging you, yet still hold you accountable for your actions.

6) Practice empathy.
Sometimes self-care means doing difficult things, things that you dread doing, because you know it will make your life better in the long run. Once you have labeled your feelings and felt them, do your best to imagine what it would be like if the person you loved romantically cheated on you. Try to develop empathy for your Betrayed Spouse. Imagine if they felt for their affair partner what you feel for yours. Imagine if they told you they wished you’d stop complaining because they’re suffering too. Think about how this would make you feel. This is not to shame you, but to develop empathy and remorse. Yes, you’re hurting because of what you’ve done, but your Betrayed Spouse is hurting as well. They need you. So put yourself in their shoes, and go read all of those other books, the ones that tell you how to help your Betrayed Spouse, and take the advice on board. Even if it feels miserable to face up to what you’ve done or to have to comfort someone else when you’re in pain, it will make your marriage better in the long run.

7) Separate shame from remorse.
So much of the counsel in infidelity circles chastens the Wayward Spouse to become remorseful, and fast. The same advisors will tell the betrayed to look for remorse in their partner- and leave if they don’t see enough of it. But remorse isn’t shame. Shame involves self-loathing and it considers the fatal flaw to be you as a person, not the infidelity. Shame says, “I’m a terrible person. I’ll always be a terrible person. I’m worthless. Why even try?”

Remorse, on the other hand, knows that the flaw was in what you did, but not in who you are. Remorse says, “I made a terrible choice. I devastated my spouse, and that will take a long time to recover from. But I can and will recover from it because I am capable of being a better person than my actions have shown. From now on, I’m going to be the good person I know I can be.” Remorse is determined, rather than defeated. When you catch yourself calling yourself names or condemning yourself, try to re-frame the thought as hating your past behavior rather than hating who you are as a person.

8) Reward Yourself. You probably don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel right now, and the horrific reality of where your marriage now stands coupled with the pain of loss might make it that much harder for you to find motivation to do what’s right. You can light a candle or two in that tunnel yourself, though. Every week you don’t text your affair partner, every time you take a major step towards healing your Betrayed Spouse and yourself, every hurdle you overcome is cause to celebrate your progress. Reward yourself for sticking with it.
Perhaps give yourself X amount of money every week you don’t contact your ex affair partner, and save up to buy something extravagant. Examples might be a spa treatment, a new device of your choosing, or a new playlist from iTunes.

Another thing you might do is to reward yourself with something special after you’ve overcome a hurdle such as taking a polygraph, or reached a milestone such as 6 months without your affair partner. Especially when no one else is willing to acknowledge your accomplishments, do so yourself and treat yourself after doing something especially emotionally taxing.

The worst part about being a Wayward Spouse is that no one seems to care about your suffering. The Betrayed Spouse comes first, which leaves precious little room for your own hurt and healing. While it’s true that you must now put your spouse’s needs above your own, the good news is that you don’t have to neglect yourself in the process. If you have cheated on your spouse and are now trying to navigate the chaotic despair, I wish you good luck, better guidance, and healing. As an end note, please remember that this too shall pass, even if it looks from all angles that your life will be like this forever. It won't. As you and your Betrayed Spouse heal together, you can take comfort in knowing that you were part of their healing.

I hope you keep posting here and tell us about how it went.


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Last edited by EllaSuaveterre; 02-12-2017 at 08:24 AM.
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post #4 of 67 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 08:16 AM
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Question From Wayward Spouse

No. Those flowers will always remind him that you cheated.

Every time he sees them. Do you want that?

Do what he needs, not what you want.

Actually do what he wants, not what you need.

He wants the shirt gone.
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post #5 of 67 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 08:19 AM
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Re: Question From Wayward Spouse

You want to feel better?

Divorce your betrayed husband.

Make it as easy as you can on him.

Let him have the majority of the assets.

Just take what you brought into the marriage.

Treat him with the respect you never gave him in the marriage, but don't tempt him to sleep with you.

Then, go and find him a really great woman he is really compatible with.

Wish them well and never come back into his life again.

Do all of this and the guilt will be gone.

You will have worked on yourself to become a better woman.

You will also have shown him that you love him. It's not the kind of love you are used to giving. It's real love. Love of another human being. Something you didn't have when you had your EA and online virtual PA.

While doing this, you can attend any counseling necessary to get through it and learn to respect yourself and form better boundaries in your own life.

Good luck. I know this will work. I don't know if you have the courage to actually do it.

Apologies for being harsh. Reality and the truth tend to be harsh.

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
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post #6 of 67 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 08:24 AM
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Re: Question From Wayward Spouse

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Originally Posted by 2ntnuf View Post
You want to feel better?



Divorce your betrayed husband.



Make it as easy as you can on him.



Let him have the majority of the assets.



Just take what you brought into the marriage.



Treat him with the respect you never gave him in the marriage, but don't tempt him to sleep with you.



Then, go and find him a really great woman he is really compatible with.



Wish them well and never come back into his life again.



Do all of this and the guilt will be gone.



You will have worked on yourself to become a better woman.



You will also have shown him that you love him. It's not the kind of love you are used to giving. It's real love. Love of another human being. Something you didn't have when you had your EA and online virtual PA.



While doing this, you can attend any counseling necessary to get through it and learn to respect yourself and form better boundaries in your own life.



Good luck. I know this will work. I don't know if you have the courage to actually do it.



Apologies for being harsh. Reality and the truth tend to be harsh.


Wow. Great way to chase off another new member who came here for help.

Didn't have your coffee this morning? You normally give much more helpful advice, 2. You were less hard on me and I did worse.
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post #7 of 67 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 08:26 AM
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Re: Question From Wayward Spouse

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Wow. Great way to chase off another new member who came here for help.

Didn't have your coffee this morning? You normally give much more helpful advice, 2. You were less hard on me and I did worse.
I know right? You've got to be gentle with the newbies, or you'll scare them and shame them away.

I hope you'll keep posting, Nevermore. I know you and your husband can get through this.


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post #8 of 67 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 08:28 AM
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Re: Question From Wayward Spouse

Far too melodramatic, IMO. Just throw out / burn the shirt and be done w/ it.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #9 of 67 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 08:34 AM
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Re: Question From Wayward Spouse

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Wow. Great way to chase off another new member who came here for help.

Didn't have your coffee this morning? You normally give much more helpful advice, 2. You were less hard on me and I did worse.


That was because I felt compassion for your wife.

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post #10 of 67 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 09:06 AM
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Re: Question From Wayward Spouse

I suggest you listen to the men here who have been betrayed and just toss the shirt. Burn it if you must. What purpose would doing this serve? He doesn't want to be reminded of the shirt or your affair, which is what flowers would do.

Making it a ceremony would only make him feel like you are grieving your lost relationship. This has nothing to do with making him feel better. If you want to burn the shirt, burn it by yourself. Do not plant flowers. Just put the ashes in the trash and be done with it.

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post #11 of 67 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 09:08 AM
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Re: Question From Wayward Spouse

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Originally Posted by Nevermoreagain View Post
I'm not going to pretty this up, because there is nothing pretty about it. I had a several month emotional affair, email and phone (not that that makes a difference). I hurt the man who was my life and loved me so deeply. It's been over a year since he found out and we still deal with this and the pain ever day. He is doing better, but i'm not. I am so guilty and I hurt so bad for what i did. But here is my question.

He knows that the om had a picture of me wearing a particular shirt. I didn't give it to him, but he downloaded off my facebook page (I will never go on facebook again btw). My husband has asked me to get rid of it. Here is the question. What would you think if i made it kind of like a ceremony where i burned the shirt, Talk about how i feel that I am becoming a different person and how I want the person i was to die. Then i'll take the ashes of the shirt, mix them with dirt, and we can plant flower seeds to bring new life from the ashes?

I feel it symbolizes a lot, but do you think it would be upsetting to him? I am so afraid that i am going to do something else to cause him pain, that I am scared to do anything. We are both in Individual Therapy and Marriage Therapy, and Last week we talked about being more spontaneous. What do you think?
Just throw the f****ng shirt out and quit with the melodrama,he has had enough of your crap, are you trying to punish him for putting up with you.
Just dump it allready.
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post #12 of 67 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 09:15 AM
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Re: Question From Wayward Spouse

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nevermoreagain View Post
I'm not going to pretty this up, because there is nothing pretty about it. I had a several month emotional affair, email and phone (not that that makes a difference). I hurt the man who was my life and loved me so deeply. It's been over a year since he found out and we still deal with this and the pain ever day. He is doing better, but i'm not. I am so guilty and I hurt so bad for what i did. But here is my question.

He knows that the om had a picture of me wearing a particular shirt. I didn't give it to him, but he downloaded off my facebook page (I will never go on facebook again btw). My husband has asked me to get rid of it. Here is the question. What would you think if i made it kind of like a ceremony where i burned the shirt, Talk about how i feel that I am becoming a different person and how I want the person i was to die. Then i'll take the ashes of the shirt, mix them with dirt, and we can plant flower seeds to bring new life from the ashes?

I feel it symbolizes a lot, but do you think it would be upsetting to him? I am so afraid that i am going to do something else to cause him pain, that I am scared to do anything. We are both in Individual Therapy and Marriage Therapy, and Last week we talked about being more spontaneous. What do you think?
You may be a distant relative of mine; back in my American Indian Medicine Man days. That was a number of Incarnations ago.

This is an excellent idea. When an Indian warrior killed a foe or beat him in battle, he took something from him as a totem. That gave the warrior special powers. The Africans and Carib-Africans used the same logic [using personal effects from the victim] in performing Voodoo.

The Persians burn Esfand seeds اسفند to ward off evil-eyes and thoughts, from others.

Ancient Assyrians, Babylonians and Egyptians. burned incense to ward off evil spirits. In Judaism, incense was included in the thanksgiving offerings of oil, rain, fruits, wine (cf. Numbers 7:13-17). The Lord instructed Moses to build a golden altar for the burning of incense (cf. Exodus 30:1-10), which was placed in front of the veil to the entrance of the meeting tent where the ark of the covenant was kept.

And Catholics burn incense for their rituals to add a sense of solemnity and mystery to the Mass..

Buddhists burn Incense as an offering. Incense, in particular, stands for ethics and morality. But these offerings only have meaning if the follower also has right conduct. Incense also reminds the practitioner of the path of the Middle Way, or moderation, and offers the key to enlightenment and Buddhahood. It creates a feeling of serenity.

By burning this shirt, [with your collective body cells and perspiration that are in-bedded in the fiber], you burn the physical link to your EA partner. And, you you will send a message to the "Great Ether" that surrounds us. You will break a tie to the other man and show your husband that his soul is still bound to you in that "Ether" and in the flesh.

The shirt is tainted with quilt. The Ancient Mariner was forced to wear the Albatross on a string around his neck.... for his sins.

You "chose" to wear that shirt that drapes over your' body..... over your' husbands precious bosoms. It tears at his mind. And it was "he?" that brought up the shirt. He took notice? Not good.

Yes, burn that shirt with incense. Your betrothed one is incensed at the sight of this two sleeved banner, this red flag in his vision. To see his wife in it, is to see "him" in her.
The Ashes from that shirt? Put them in a fast running stream....very fast and turbulent. The water will separate the deceit from the deceived. It will dilute the sin, the remnants eventually to the delta to be landed and to be absorbed as silt forgotten .


Ah, the agony.

As long as your husband grieves and pains you have a chance. It is his love [for you] that torments him.

Fear the naught.

When the frown turns straight and his eyes look straight...through you, then his passion for you is naught and your marriage be doomed.

I wish you the best. You are worthy.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #13 of 67 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 09:18 AM
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Re: Question From Wayward Spouse

Quote:
Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
You may be a distant relative of mine; back in my American Indian Medicine Man days. That was a number of Incarnations ago.

This is an excellent idea. When an Indian warrior killed a foe or beat him in battle, he took something from him as a totem. That gave the warrior special powers. The Africans and Carib-Africans used the same logic [using personal effects from the victim] in performing Voodoo.

The Persians burn Esfand seeds اسفند to ward off evil-eyes and thoughts, from others.

Ancient Assyrians, Babylonians and Egyptians. burned incense to ward off evil spirits. In Judaism, incense was included in the thanksgiving offerings of oil, rain, fruits, wine (cf. Numbers 7:13-17). The Lord instructed Moses to build a golden altar for the burning of incense (cf. Exodus 30:1-10), which was placed in front of the veil to the entrance of the meeting tent where the ark of the covenant was kept.

And Catholics burn incense for their rituals to add a sense of solemnity and mystery to the Mass..

Buddhists burn Incense as an offering. Incense, in particular, stands for ethics and morality. But these offerings only have meaning if the follower also has right conduct. Incense also reminds the practitioner of the path of the Middle Way, or moderation, and offers the key to enlightenment and Buddhahood. It creates a feeling of serenity.

By burning this shirt, [with your collective body cells and perspiration that are in-bedded in the fiber], you burn the physical link to your EA partner. And, you you will send a message to the "Great Ether" that surrounds us. You will break a tie to the other man and show your husband that his soul is still bound to you in that "Ether" and in the flesh.

The shirt is tainted with quilt. The Ancient Mariner was forced to wear the Albatross on a string around his neck.... for his sins.

You "chose" to wear that shirt that drapes over your' body..... over your' husbands precious bosoms. It tears at his mind. And it was "he?" that brought up the shirt. He took notice? Not good.

Yes, burn that shirt with incense. Your betrothed one is incensed at the sight of this two sleeved banner, this red flag in his vision. To see his wife in it, is to see "him" in her.
The Ashes from that shirt? Put them in a fast running stream....very fast and turbulent. The water will separate the deceit from the deceived. It will dilute the sin, the remnants eventually to the delta to be landed and to be absorbed as silt forgotten .


Ah, the agony.

As long as your husband grieves and pains you have a chance. It is his love [for you] that torments him.

Fear the naught.

When the frown turns straight and his eyes look straight...through you, then his passion for you is naught and your marriage be doomed.

I wish you the best. You are worthy.

This. Qft.


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post #14 of 67 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 09:25 AM
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Re: Question From Wayward Spouse

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Just throw the f****ng shirt out and quit with the melodrama,he has had enough of your crap, are you trying to punish him for putting up with you.
Just dump it allready.
Unfortunately, many waywards justified their actions long before their acts with the help of friends and/or family.

Part of the guilt she is feeling, and part of what she is talking about is the guilt she feels at swallowing the pride she built before she cheated. She has to bury that part and give it homage. She really doesn't feel as sorry about the infidelity as she does about losing her dreams. That's the reason for the melodrama and flowers and so forth. It's a kind of ceremony that will give her acceptance of what she believes she must do, rather than what she wants to do.

How can she ever fully put herself back into this marriage? It's impossible. Her husband is better off divorced than to be reminded of her "sacrifice" every time she doesn't get what she wants.

I won't be a part of helping her to ruin her life and his. Some of these other bleeding hearts can do that.

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"And this, too, shall pass away."
2ntnuf is offline  
post #15 of 67 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 09:36 AM
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Question From Wayward Spouse

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Originally Posted by 2ntnuf View Post
Unfortunately, many waywards justified their actions long before their acts with the help of friends and/or family.



Part of the guilt she is feeling, and part of what she is talking about is the guilt she feels at swallowing the pride she built before she cheated. She has to bury that part and give it homage. She really doesn't feel as sorry about the infidelity as she does about losing her dreams. That's the reason for the melodrama and flowers and so forth. It's a kind of ceremony that will give her acceptance of what she believes she must do, rather than what she wants to do.



How can she ever fully put herself back into this marriage? It's impossible. Her husband is better off divorced than to be reminded of her "sacrifice" every time she doesn't get what she wants.



I won't be a part of helping her to ruin her life and his. Some of these other bleeding hearts can do that.


You are reading far too much into her question and motives. She probably is thinking this because it is what she would want if the circumstances where reversed.

If her husband posts, you can give him advice.

The OP asked for advice only on the shirt.

Your words say "many waywards" not all. Have you already decided she is part of the many?
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