Re: My wife has been flirt texting another man - HELP!!
Tell her you don't buy a thing. Cut her money. Expose her to family nad GF. File.
Don you want mess things? Talk to OM, better, go to the bar and sit with him and a couple of beers, tell him you wish them well, tell him he can come home to help her with her stuff to move in with him. Tell her GF she was right with her advice, she deserves happyness and you are glad she helped your wife to realize it was with this kid.
Re: My wife has been flirt texting another man - HELP!!
Both times before this most recent one, she agreed to no contact, and both times you found out that she still was in contact. Will she break her "no contact" promise again this time?
Both times before this most recent one, she has told you that the other man means nothing to her. Both times you later found messages to the toxic friend revealing that she had deep feelings for the other man and was considering leaving you, except that she did not want to be labeled a cheater or thought bad of by her family. Will you find a similar message to toxic friend this time?
She has lied to you convincingly each time you confronted her. Each time you believed her, each time you have been proven wrong.
Have you bothered to read any of the other threads on this forum, going back for years? If so, have you found a single thread where the betrayed husband handled things the way you plan to where the marriage was saved?
The way you intend to handle this, you are not giving your marriage one last chance; the way you are handling this, you are giving your marriage NO chance.
Your wife will not change her lying cheating ways because she knows you will not divorce her. She has let you know, if you don't meet her conditions, of allowing her to remain in contact with her affair partner, that she will divorce you. That, apparently, is enough to keep you in line.
We are not all crazy out here in cyberspace. I think it was Einstein who said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. That Einstein was a pretty smart guy. You don't want to listen to us. Maybe you will listen to him.
Re: My wife has been flirt texting another man - HELP!!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Will_Kane
[B]
She has let you know, if you don't meet her conditions, of allowing her to remain in contact with her affair partner, that she will divorce you. That, apparently, is enough to keep you in line.
She's basically doing what you should be doing.See how effective it has been with you?
Re: My wife has been flirt texting another man - HELP!!
DO NOT down play what you are sensing here!!! My FWH started his whole affair by having "innocent" conversations with his best friend's wife. It started because he would call his friend and she would answer because the friend was asleep (he is a shift worker so the times were never the same). They started complaining to each other about their marriages and in a couple of weeks they started sexting and then Facebooking, and the having phone sex. From the first sexting to the point where he said he loved her and they plotted to get me out of town was two weeks. Then, once the plot was made it was only two and a half months later when she flew from 4 states away to screw my husband in a cheap hotel for two days. You may have stopped it before it went farther than flirting but that doesn't mean it wasn't headed in that direction. You have to do something now to make sure she knows the consequences of going there again. Do not sit on it! Best of luck.
Re: My wife has been flirt texting another man - HELP!!
He's gone again. I guess he never heard "No guts, no glory". He here talking abot giving it 100%, when she is only giving 2% and slo**y seconds. Hey, if you come back and can make it to this post, YOU GAVE 100% while in R. Look what that got you. She is already being cold to your daughter, so is that hurting her ??
Re: My wife has been flirt texting another man - HELP!!
Alright everyone. I have an updates, and I need a little more advice. So since the last time I posted, I found out she was still texting him. I put a tracker on her phone (not proud of that, and cancelled it right after) and caught some text messages between them. They started to get sexual on his end. He travels and he was inviting her to stay in his room yada yada...you get the point. Anyway. I wigged out. I had caught her...again....All of this happened while she was at work, so when she got home we talked all night. Long story short she had come to the decision that she wanted out of our marriage. In her mind, she realized when she hit send on the text message to him that she knew she was ready to walk away. And after hours of talking I left. When I got to my office, where I had decided to sleep, I called her. I basically let her have it. I told her I thought she was selfish, and that I wanted her out of my house tomorrow. I also made it clear that her "relationship" with this guy was nothing but a fantasy and that she was willing to break up a marriage for a guy that 1. has a girlfriend and is cheating on her, and will do the same to any other women 2. Talking sexual to another man's wife is scumbag material 3. Travels and is not even around half the time. And, I told her good luck in bringing him around her niece and nephew (who love me, and the feelings mutual), and family when they are all going to find out that she cheated on her husband with him. Did she think they'de actually accept him?
Fast Forward 6 hours. I get a phone call at about 6 AM the next morning. It's her. Crying. Asking me if I could ever forgive her. I tell her I don't know. She then tells me she made a mistake and wants to go to councelling. I tell her I have to think about it. Which I do. All day. And I call her back and agreed if she could do 3 things. 1. End it with him in an email and copy me on it (which she did). 2. No more lies 3. Understand that this is not a quick fix, and will both need alot of time to trust each other again, and that it may get worse before it gets better. She agreed to all of them and for the most part has held up her end of the bargain. I think. But here is my current issue. Since this all went down two weeks ago, I've noticed a sadness about her. I spoke with her last night about it. She is sad about not being able to speak with him again. She says it is because she is losing a friend (which they were before it moved past friendship into an EA), but I'm weary of that being the truth. I'm not sure how to deal with it. It's hard not to wollow in the fact she seems more interested in being sad about losing him, then she is on worrying about my feelings and how bad she hurt me. I don't sleep, I've lost 25lbs in two months because of this bs. And she is still sitting there trying to talk herself out of calling this guy. Unbelievable. She still seems like she is being very cautious around me with her feelings, which scares me. Plus, the email she wrote breaking it off with him was more along the lines of my husband wants me to break it off. My husband thinks this is innapropriate and so on. She took very little responsibility that this whole thing was highly innapropriate. It's hard because she's the one that cheated, she should be there for me as I'm hurting. But it's almost like I'm the one that cheated here, I'm supposed to look out for all her emotional needs (which I am doing), but it feels like she could almost care less about mine. She feels like I am pushing her to talk about things she's not ready to talk about. And I can see her holding back so immediately I think the worst. Anyway. Any thoughts on what I should do here? We both still love each other very much. That has never been in question. But now, we're both left wounded. I think the counselor will help and we've been to one session, but its hard to know how to act around my wife now.
Re: My wife has been flirt texting another man - HELP!!
You are very, very right to be wary. You stopped this thing (we hope) after she became infatuated--a very powerful emotion that is never to be underestimated. That is why continued verification is a must.
Someone once said, if a drug addict visited a neighborhood where their dealer lived, would you "trust" them that they weren't using again? It is no different now. She has proved, all on her own, that she cannot be trusted with a phone with texting capability. His contact information needs to be removed and blocked, and you need to be checking the phone bill online. Also keylogger the computer. Regularly check the car for a prepaid phone and consider a voice activated recorder as well. This is only temporary so she can prove her loyalty. But the first 6 to 8 weeks after ending contact is when she's the most vulnerable to breaking contact.
Her sadness is mourning for this loss. Don't get upset about it. It's just another human emotion. She became attached enough to this loser that she very seriously contemplated leaving you, so you should not be surprised by this (instead, you should be verifying no contact--there is nothing to be ashamed of--she has violated your trust in a major way).
She was willing to leave you--which means there are things she wishes were different in your relationship. (That isn't putting blame for her stupid choice on you; it's just a fact.) So added to her sadness is this feeling that the relationship is just going to go on, being the same that it was before her fantasy escapist fling. Life in general will be the same. But the point of the fantasy was to get away from that. Now it all feels like a prison.
Do you have the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass? Get the book today, from the library if need be, and hand it to her and urge her to read it. It is primarily written for YOU (so you should read it too) but perhaps it will speak to her and help her.
Then what I'd do (if I were you) is sit down and tell her you understand how strong the addiction / compulsion / bad habit is to contact that man. That as wrong as it was, he made her feel special. And that you want to be the person to do that. And that you will work with her during marriage counseling and individual counseling. But that she has to see that the choice she has made was very wrong, and there was no way to justify it. And that if she contacts him, even once, all she is doing is reinforcing this very bad habit in a way that will spell the end of your marriage.
Make sure your marriage counselor is trained in infidelity.
Get your wife into individual counseling to treat her depression so that she doesn't "self-medicate" by texting you-know-who and getting right back to the place she was in. She needs to figure out why she thought it was a good idea to fix her problems in life by texting an unavailable man.
And, contact that man's girlfriend and tell him what's going on. Do not warn anyone in advance before you do this.
Re: My wife has been flirt texting another man - HELP!!
Thank you iheartlife. I have been keeping a very good eye on the phone logs still. She fully expects that. I had already put keylogger software on our home computer, but unfortunately, she was using her phone/work computer to go back and forth with this person. I suspect, mostly through email this last time until she basically didn't care about being caught any longer. She knew I would find out through the phone logs eventually because I was checking them periodically since this first happened. She knows that what she did was out of bounds. But she still doesn't understand the full brevity of what she has done. Or maybe she does, and I just don't feel like she does. She still downplays her feelings towards this person and relationship to no end though. I guess I still struggle with that. Since most of this happened while she was at work, it makes my work days very tough. Always wondering what she is doing, texting, msging etc. It's enough to drive you crazy. Right now I guess I should just be happy that she is still here, willing to work on it. But its hard for me because I want/need more than just that right now. And she can't or isn't willing to give me that much right now.
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Re: My wife has been flirt texting another man - HELP!! 
