My wife has been flirt texting another man - HELP!!

CGguy · 08-09-2012, 10:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by iheartlife

Well, my husband bawled his eyes out because he was losing his 'soulmate.' 3 weeks later he was back in contact (because I didn't know a thing about infidelity), and that lasted another 3 years until I caught him AGAIN. By then the affair had waned--it followed its arc of hot at the start, texting and calling constantly, to (as the phone records show) cutting down to one or two hours a month.

That was what my husband needed to see: she wasn't his soulmate, just someone he got along with extremely well. That she would likely cheat on him, too, and could never be fully trusted. That she had her own issues--a real relationship is not all fun and games.

We are recommitted and reconciling. There is a vast difference between how he is now, and how he was then. But I would never have "waited" for him to fall out of love with her--my self-respect would have been shot to pieces and I never could have stayed under those circumstances. It all happened without my knowledge. So he's able to have those frank discussions about what he got out of it and why he did it. Although he doesn't enjoy them any more than your wife does.

Our counselor so far has spent over 8 hours discussing the affair. There really isn't any focus on what I (as a wife) should be doing differently--because I'm already sensitized to that. Which reminds me, three other books for you (assuming she's not still in contact):

His Needs / Her Needs
5 Love Languages
Love Busters

these don't overlap much, they each serve a different purpose.

One more thing to discuss--the work gap and how you have little ability to monitor / verify what's going on there. What's the deal with facebook--is she still on FB? Do you have her password? How about emails--she uses her work email? Do you have a password for that?

I ordered the Shirley Glass book. I'll start there. She is addicted to FB. She is on there msging with her friend probably 1-2 hrs. a day. Her best GF not this guy. I don't have her pw yet. No she uses her yahoo email. She wouldn't use her work email. She is only busy during tax season, so right now, she has nothing to do at all. Alot of down time. Which makes me nervous as you can imagine. I read some msg's between her friend and her where she mentioned she was sad and that she fights off texting him again. I brought it up to her and she admitted feeling that way. But again, I had to drag it out of her.

CGguy · 08-09-2012, 10:43 AM

Ty Chapparal, I read most of this. I think this explains how I feel much better than than I ever could. It's amazing. Alot of what this says is what I am looking to her to do. I think the problem is she holds a lot of resentment towards me for not being emotionally available to her for many years. I have changed in that regard at great lengths in the last year. She still thinks its not "real" though. And I don't know how to prove it to her other than to just keep being me.

iheartlife · 08-09-2012, 10:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CGguy

Ty Chapparal, I read most of this. I think this explains how I feel much better than than I ever could. It's amazing. Alot of what this says is what I am looking to her to do. I think the problem is she holds a lot of resentment towards me for not being emotionally available to her for many years. I have changed in that regard at great lengths in the last year. She still thinks its not "real" though. And I don't know how to prove it to her other than to just keep being me.

Then you will get a lot out of the other 3 books (His Needs / Her Needs et al).

but, I have to say this...you don't have her FB password?....

CGguy · 08-09-2012, 10:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by iheartlife

Then you will get a lot out of the other 3 books (His Needs / Her Needs et al).

but, I have to say this...you don't have her FB password?....

Well she's on fb automatically on her phone. I can look at her account whenever. She de-friended him before the last time she said she wouldn't contact him. I know that much. I do believe her that there has been NC with him for the last 2 weeks with the you know what hit the fan.

Jellybeans · 08-09-2012, 10:57 AM

I have not read this thread in it's entirely but am just pointing out that I noticed you started this in December 2011. It's now August 2012 and you just posted "she has been no contact with him for 2 weeks now."

I am assuming that means this has been happening for a long time.

That sucks.

iheartlife · 08-09-2012, 10:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CGguy

Well she's on fb automatically on her phone. I can look at her account whenever. She de-friended him before the last time she said she wouldn't contact him. I know that much. I do believe her that there has been NC with him for the last 2 weeks with the you know what hit the fan.

No unfriend. He must be BLOCKED. You can also separately block all known emails that he used via facebook separately.

2 weeks--as jellybeans said, early days, my friend. Right now I'd be concentrating on verification hard-core. In fact, I'd buy a VAR if I were you. I outlined my story above, so you see where I'm coming from. Don't repeat my mistakes.

CH · 08-09-2012, 11:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jellybeans

I have not read this thread in it's entirely but am just pointing out that I noticed you started this in December 2011. It's now August 2012 and you just posted "she has been no contact with him for 2 weeks now."

I am assuming that means this has been happening for a long time.

That sucks.

I guess that's some sort of progress, a victory of any kind is still a victory

turnera · 08-09-2012, 11:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CGguy

she just gets defensive and angry if I start to bring them up.

You've mentioned this a couple times and I want to point out that someone who easily gets defensive and angry when you point out a flaw of theirs has some serious self work to get done. MC isn't going to do much about that, so insist on IC, at least twice a month for a good couple of years.

CleanJerkSnatch · 08-09-2012, 11:04 AM

That daily hours use of facebook needs to stop. Watching some soap operas for your drama and not fb more so dont live them.
Posted via Mobile Device

turnera · 08-09-2012, 11:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CGguy

I'm trying not to take it personal. She's downplaying how sad she is about losing this "friendship".

I think this is a mistake.

If you can handle the ugly feelings you'll have, I would encourage you to encourage her to be completely honest, and bare ALL her feelings to you. She's been hiding her feelings for a long time, basically living a double life - and I'm not just talking about the EA, I mean not sharing with YOU for a long, long time.

If you can handle it, ask her to come to you with all her feelings, promise her that you will not react but will just listen, so that she starts to feel safe being honest with you.

If she goes down the road of downplaying her feelings, that's just setting up another marriage of putting on a 'face' for you. And that's not a marriage. Nor does it affair-proof the marriage.

Jellybeans · 08-09-2012, 11:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by iheartlife

No unfriend. He must be BLOCKED.

If she is serious about your marriage, she would'n be in any form of contact with him at all.

Quote:

Originally Posted by turnera

You've mentioned this a couple times and I want to point out that someone who easily gets defensive and angry when you point out a flaw of theirs has some serious self work to get done.

Agreed. And most of the times when someone gets defensive about something, it usually means you are, in fact, calling them out on a valid point.

turnera · 08-09-2012, 11:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CGguy

I don't have her pw yet. No she uses her yahoo email.

WTF?!

Why the hell not? You should never even have spoken to her again without that.

iheartlife · 08-09-2012, 11:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jellybeans

I have not read this thread in it's entirely but am just pointing out that I noticed you started this in December 2011. It's now August 2012 and you just posted "she has been no contact with him for 2 weeks now."

I am assuming that means this has been happening for a long time.

That sucks.

Yes, with large blocks of time at work where he doesn't know what she's up to--she could be calling from her work phone; messaging via FB (because I'd want full computer access to the page, not just via her phone)--and she can delete those messages; he isn't blocked, so he can read her page and message her; etc.

We are not trying to make you paranoid, CGguy. You just have to understand that She's been lying to you for a very long time, and she has every incentive to find a work-around. Prepaid phones can be bought at the corner drugstore nowadays. And if I recall correctly, this guy is schooled in that stuff and could easily suggest it if she's not thought of it already.

turnera · 08-09-2012, 11:12 AM

CG, you seriously need to address this nothing to do all day thing. I take it she just stays at home while you work?

IIWY, I would be having serious discussions about this, about how you expect her to either be getting another job outside the tax thing that takes up the rest of the year, or you expect her to start volunteering somewhere. IME, it's the SAHWs who are most likely to cheat, just BECAUSE they have all that time on their hands.

You have the power right now, she wants the marriage, you're questioning it. USE that power to set up new guidelines for your family. Or else you walk away.

CleanJerkSnatch · 08-09-2012, 11:15 AM

This is horrible, almost sounds as if she wants to leave but doesn't have enough guts to leave and is afraid, she may not be speaking to OM but she sure isn't opening up or sharing herself with you. Next time you make love to your wife, talk about things, oxytocin and all that bonding will make it slightly easier to open up. Another reality check should be in order if this persists, because last time you left her it seemed to have really moved the NC issue into effect, and explicitly showed your disapproval through your actions.