Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship? - Page 10 - Talk About Marriage
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post #136 of 203 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 05:44 AM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

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These are good questions, but likely won't get asked because he's too busy rug sweeping.

Where would one find a bag of dicks? Grocery store? Health food store? Specialty shop? Farmer's market?
Costco has them in bulk.


“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
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post #137 of 203 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 10:37 AM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

WOW!

She's an impressive manipulator. 3 years spreading her legs for other men...homeless men at that. All while she wipes her feet on you and you support the family and her new 'lifestyle'.

And when the latest ********* drives off, she cries a little, talks a little, holds your hand and offers to reconcile with you...

And you immediately jump on it.

What exactly have you learned on TAM for the last 3 years that would lead you to believe that that is a good idea?

Find your anger Squid. She has treated you atrociously.
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post #138 of 203 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 11:15 AM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

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WOW!

She's an impressive manipulator. 3 years spreading her legs for other men...homeless men at that. All while she wipes her feet on you and you support the family and her new 'lifestyle'.

And when the latest ********* drives off, she cries a little, talks a little, holds your hand and offers to reconcile with you...

And you immediately jump on it.

What exactly have you learned on TAM for the last 3 years that would lead you to believe that that is a good idea?

Find your anger Squid. She has treated you atrociously.
He found his anger . He just misdirected it.
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post #139 of 203 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 06:39 AM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

Wow you go from ready for the marriage to be over. Then you find out she has FB's now you want to R.

The only reason you know is because the OM is leaving. Why hide it anymore.

Wish you the best OP but I really can't understand your thoughts right now.
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post #140 of 203 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 08:09 AM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

to be fair, Squid is going through his own fog right now, a euphoria of such, he feels like the OM is out of the picture and she said no to the other man the other night caught on the VAR so now he feels like he won in a way (the last man standing so to speak), for now....and that will carry him, sure right now there is little trust left with his wife, but she will turn on the charm, and make him feel secure over time, remind him how important he is in her life, basically half lies and fake it till you believe it approach because she got caught, and she will take her punishment of sorts and he will eventually rug sweep this on his own, no exposer, because he will think he is in control...until one day when something seems out of sorts again and starts to worry, concern or otherwise....than he might be back or not.... Or maybe she will fall back in love with him, and see him as someone who stood by her when she fell, that she will be become a better person for it, it has happen on here as well...who knows.... regardless, for now he is trying to hold on to what ever reality he can piece together maybe for the sake of the children, maybe because their is still love there, maybe because he does not have enough self worth to move on or maybe for some other reason, in the end it really is not our place to judge. Let's face guys, we are not living his life he is....he is not the first nor the last on here to do the same, it takes a degree testicular fortitude to disrupt your life completely with no guarantees.....the rest of them, they live knowing, and eventually there is a sense of peace, granted it's never the same, but perhaps the alternative might have been to great (mentally, physically or economically), and sometimes what emerges out this carnage is something even better.
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post #141 of 203 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 10:01 AM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

Hope is not misplaced while there is still breath in our bodies... what more can she surprise you with? You know the pain that has come from it and you know the pain you can withstand... this is your "eyes wide-open" moment my friend.

You can say "I was betrayed and I am angry", and you have every right... but it doesn't take a "man-card" any more than it takes a "woman-card" to pull yourselves out from where you are... it takes a "self-respect card" and if used, would be best used by both of you.

She lost it for herself when she chose such poor actions... did she lose faith in you? Perhaps... but she lost greater faith in herself and in a level of codependence you tried to right it while she was lost... a blind leading the blind path for those of us who take it.

It didn't work out well...no more surprises there.

What lessons were learned?

What is right or wrong for you is your path to walk... many trigger here at times, myself included, and it is hard to watch another make our mistakes and we are so sure that you are walking our path from the past yet we don't remember every rock we stubbed our toe on, every bush we were scratched from, every stream our shoes got soaked crossing... we just remember we were hurt from it's journey and issue general warnings not knowing exactly where you are on your journey, but even "exact" may be a best guess for yourself as we all walk a different trail on a different map even though the rocks, brush, and streams look kind of the same.

At some stage we all have shame in our past... now it the time to play that self-respect card with forgiveness, and boundaries.

You know what you will accept and what you will not.

Set those boundaries in place, question each with "does this build my self-respect or tear it down"? Set that self-worth up front because you are worthy of a true and committed partner from this day forth, and show her that before you can love her fully, you need to love yourself.

Then... simply... do.

However you both fell... time to work together with respect being the compass on your path.

If you find yourself alone, walk with confidence knowing you did your best... not all follow the right fork on the trail.

I wish you well... peace be with you on your journey.
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post #142 of 203 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 09:19 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

Thank you all. Sorry for my spite.
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post #143 of 203 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 11:19 AM
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post #144 of 203 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 12:46 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

Whelp,

I'm a couple days short of a month out from d-day. Mind's a mess.

WW has been saying all of the right things. Doing all of the right things. For the first week or so after her turnaround she kept alluding to previous faults in the M. I told her about blameshifting. She oddly hasn't brought anything up since. I've finally come to realize how she manipulates. I called her on that too. I know everybody here warned me. Sorry for not heeding.

I'm still a mess emotionally and am not ready to make big decisions yet. I am trying to prepare myself for D. I'm allowing my WW a little latitude and insist that she get some IC. She hasn't gotten there yet but says that she will. She tried to explain what was happening to her father (FOO issues there) and she described it to him as "she did something wrong" it was her fault and that "we're working it out". I told her "that's it?" And she immediately alluded to her dad the previously mentioned problems in our marriage. Blameshifting. I called her out on that too. Expressing remorse? Maybe. Showing remorse? Heck no.

Putting her stuff in trashbags and changing the locks is something I cannot do to the mother of my children. She simply has no resources to make it alone just yet. All of her family is abroad and she doesn't have much of a close network of friends to rely on. Her current monthly income would barely cover our groceries.

Yes, she's treated me horribly and eviscerated my soul. I have to allow her to at least get to where she could feasibly pay for her own apartment then I could help out with the rest. Call me weak but I'm just not that cold-hearted.

I'm trying to find a way I can reach her father and give him the heavy details as to why we are in such a precarious state. I believe he and her family have the right to know. I made a promise to him long ago that I would love and protect his daughter. I'm not looking to shame her, but she needs to own up to her sh**.

I am harboring no more hope for her, at this moment. I can see that she is a broken person. How someone I once regarded as so principled could betray her core values like that is still bewildering.

A couple weeks ago she was telling me "we owe it to ourselves and our families to give it one last try". I don't think she has the heart for that. And I certainly don't have the stomach for it.

Peace
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post #145 of 203 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 01:57 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

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Putting her stuff in trashbags and changing the locks is something I cannot do to the mother of my children. She simply has no resources to make it alone just yet. All of her family is abroad and she doesn't have much of a close network of friends to rely on. Her current monthly income would barely cover our groceries.

Yes, she's treated me horribly and eviscerated my soul. I have to allow her to at least get to where she could feasibly pay for her own apartment then I could help out with the rest. Call me weak but I'm just not that cold-hearted.

I'm trying to find a way I can reach her father and give him the heavy details as to why we are in such a precarious state. I believe he and her family have the right to know. I made a promise to him long ago that I would love and protect his daughter. I'm not looking to shame her, but she needs to own up to her sh**.

I am harboring no more hope for her, at this moment. I can see that she is a broken person. How someone I once regarded as so principled could betray her core values like that is still bewildering.

A couple weeks ago she was telling me "we owe it to ourselves and our families to give it one last try". I don't think she has the heart for that. And I certainly don't have the stomach for it.

Peace
"One last try" That about sums it up. Not a good chance of success.

Seems like you both are going thru the motions because you "should" not because you think it'll work or you love eachother. Might be better for a divorce and you pay support for a limited time and let her father or family pay the rest or take her back home until she can be on her own again.

It's good that you posted again and that you are giving yourself some time.
What you wrote ^ is brutally honest and indicates that you are ready to D and move on without her as you wife.
By staying together because she has no money friends or options is a recipe for disaster, you become her guardian not her husband.
It could take years for her become financially stable, and with you bailing her out it may never happen and you are left in limbo.

Good luck.

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post #146 of 203 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 02:15 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

Well at least now you know why she is considering R. She finally realized that she pushed you too far and you were ready to walk away and she cannot afford that with her lover taking his van and driving away.
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post #147 of 203 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 02:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

Micky and TDS,

Yup and yup. A gross sh*t show.

Last edited by squid1035; 03-16-2017 at 02:33 PM.
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post #148 of 203 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 02:36 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

the problem is that she feels remorse for getting caught and finding herself in a situation that has left her vulnerable both financially and be humiliated for her actions in the eyes of those that matter...her father and perhaps her children....when she says she "owes it to ourselves and family we give one last try" what she really means is herself and the kids....if she can do the least amount of work to get that done so she can move on with this ordeal she will...which is why she is trying to blame shift...so good for you Squid for picking up on that. I'll be honest i am not trilled with "supposedly stepping up"...it sounds false or half ass approach.

She is not feeling the pain yet, how old are the kids ? have you told them?
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post #149 of 203 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 02:51 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

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She is not feeling the pain yet, how old are the kids ? have you told them?

I have not told them. I know the older ones know something is up and I have been pondering what to tell them. It's kind of an important Spring around here as our oldest one is about to go off to college. I'd hate to have her leave amidst such chaos without an understanding of what's happening.
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post #150 of 203 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 02:53 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

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I have not told them. I know the older ones know something is up and I have been pondering what to tell them. It's kind of an important Spring around here as our oldest one is about to go off to college. I'd hate to have her leave amidst such chaos without an understanding of what's happening.
When I kicked my cheater husband out I made HIM tell the kids what was going on and answer their questions.

She needs to feel some of the PAIN here. She ISN'T right now. MAKE her.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Our R
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