Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 204 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 03:25 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

You're way past R my friend. Rip the bandaid off. Now. Don't wait - it will only be harder the longer you wait.


People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.


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post #17 of 204 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 03:27 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

I'm not sure how one can even expect fidelity in this situation, really. No sex for 3 years? Most normal people have needs, and she's apparently already getting hers met. Stop torturing yourself any further, and just pull the plug. This marriage flatlined 3 years ago.
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post #18 of 204 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 03:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

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Originally Posted by eric1 View Post
The one thing that is absolutely certain without a shadow of a doubt is that, at minimum, Matt is a pathetic orbiter trying to sneak his way in, if he has not already.
ABSOLUTELY.

I'm here. I've been reading all of your posts and thinking. I'm actually RELIEVED at finally getting to having this conversation. We've told each other even recently how much we care about each other and that NO MATTER WHAT we keep being awesome parents to our kids. Our deeper love is mutual. Just not the marital love.

At this point, I don't even want to be concerned with the OM. Like, I just want to let go. It's such a burden. I nearly lost myself a few times. Deep depression. Drinking. I can't go on letting my kids see this and think that life should be this way.

Thanks for being here.
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post #19 of 204 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 03:57 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

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Originally Posted by squid1035 View Post
At this point, I don't even want to be concerned with the OM. Like, I just want to let go. It's such a burden. I nearly lost myself a few times. Deep depression. Drinking. I can't go on letting my kids see this and think that life should be this way.

Thanks for being here.
Formulate an exit strategy first. Talk to a lawyer. Then tell her.

After you do, get to the gym, get counseling and if necessary, get meds for depression. Lean on family and friends. Look forward, not back. A better life awaits you.
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post #20 of 204 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 04:23 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

Affair. EA at least.

And seeing any counselor or therapist that makes it a point to call himself or herself a Christian whatever is a complete waste of time, because they're going to push marriage at all cost.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #21 of 204 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 04:42 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

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Originally Posted by eric1 View Post
The one thing that is absolutely certain without a shadow of a doubt is that, at minimum, Matt is a pathetic orbiter trying to sneak his way in, if he has not already.
Things have changed. Orbiters are now functioning drones.

In the old days drones were male bees servicing the Queen Bee.

Some lucky drones, especially those that did overtime and were extra doting, got to deliver their honey into the Big Gal.

Nowadays, drones are interactive, communicative via I-Phones and have buzzing Softer Ware that they can use on their female victims. They are ambidextrous and they have big cannons that can desolate most shaved forests.

They are remote controlled, but rarely use this function. Manual mode is normally more effective and more satisfying at close range.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #22 of 204 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 05:06 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

We're just "friends" is the biggest lie told. If you want to waste your life away on this knock yourself out.

When your kids grow up like most they'll have their own life and you'll be .......


Read up
http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=AwrBT...GZphcuD8LXk58-
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post #23 of 204 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 05:09 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

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Originally Posted by Hope1964 View Post
You're way past R my friend. Rip the bandaid off. Now. Don't wait - it will only be harder the longer you wait.
I agree with Hope.

From the North, she speaks.



Yes, but do not be surprised. Once the band-aid is removed, no flesh is beneath it. Just a hole.

A hole. And, at the bottom of the hole is an outline of a cutaneous filariasis, a parasitic worm.

In chemistry when you want to separate an element from a solution you precipitate it. You give that element solidity.

Your wife is in that hole; still in flux. Make her solid. Make her leave.

She must leave for you to Heal. Now, as your relationship presently Stands, you Heel, when she pulls your leash.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #24 of 204 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 05:09 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

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Originally Posted by squid1035 View Post
ABSOLUTELY.

I'm here. I've been reading all of your posts and thinking. I'm actually RELIEVED at finally getting to having this conversation. We've told each other even recently how much we care about each other and that NO MATTER WHAT we keep being awesome parents to our kids. Our deeper love is mutual. Just not the marital love.

At this point, I don't even want to be concerned with the OM. Like, I just want to let go. It's such a burden. I nearly lost myself a few times. Deep depression. Drinking. I can't go on letting my kids see this and think that life should be this way.

Thanks for being here.
You can be an awesome dad and not live in infidelity. Why stay in this?
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post #25 of 204 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 05:35 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

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Everything you are saying is everything I have said to myself over the last 6 months. Yes, I'm seeing a Christian therapist who thinks reconciliation is possible. But even he has doubts. No self confidence, for sure.

I know what the hard choice is, I'm too chickens*** of the wreckage that will come. But in the end, it is probably for the best.
I think your confidence has a much better chance of returning once you get out of this abusive relationship.

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post #26 of 204 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 05:55 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

Squid. If you don't do anything then you don't care about your kids and their mental health.

I'm sorry to put such a rough edge on it, but the first step is really the hardest. You need to come back here and tell us the next concrete action that you are going to get you and your kids out of infidelity.

One action. I don't care if it's writing 'F U' over the garage door in crayon. One concrete action begets the next.

What's the first action?

----
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post #27 of 204 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 09:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

Whelp,

I know this will underwhelm everyone here but we had a long talk tonight. Pretty much told her that if you look at all the evidence, everything points to, at least, an EA. She says she agreed and acted totally naive but still flatly denied. And I said every bit of this relationship with OM is a total disrespect to myself, our kids, and this family. She insisted that boundaries have been set and that nothing has or will happen, and that they only meet in public places, never in private. I explained how much our crappy marriage is already affecting the older kids and how they're protecting the youngest one from it. She agreed and turned sad. I honestly don't think it's physical but it's headed that way. I told her to look up limerence and tell me if any of that sounds familiar. And that she's either not being truthful with me, herself or is in total denial, but she's headed for an EA if it's not there yet. She went quiet.

I know I look weak as hell.

I reached out to a guy from my men's group and he gave some advice on what to do before I went to a divorce attorney. He went through something like this recently with a woman that was full on crazy. He told me to get my financial accounts in order first before I mention anything to her about divorce. I'll be consulting with an attorney in a few days.

Look, I have no intention of kicking her to the curb and leaving her out in the cold. She's the mother of my children and I do genuinely care about her. I told her that I can't take this marriage anymore and living a lie like this, even for the sake of our kids. She looked very worried. And I left it at that.

That's all I have thus far.
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post #28 of 204 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 09:38 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

I don't think that was weak at all. In fact, I think being that direct and resolute without solid proof of an affair shows strength, but you CANNOT BE BLUFFING. She will test your resolve soon. People may say you should get solid evidence first, but if you truly feel this way (and you should based on what you've written here), you don't need it.

My guess is that she had some kind of previous affair 3 yrs ago, and you got the ILYBNILWY speech when she decided she was in lurve with that sancho. He probably dumped her when he got the sense she wanted more, but by then she had lost respect for you. She has been on the prowl since, and is smitten enough with this new guy to get careless.

Talk to a few good lawyers before making any financial moves or disclosing anything else about your intent. She has now become the enemy. It seems you have already mostly changed your view of her in this direction anyway. I would be pretty pissed off too at this point.

I wish you the best. This will be a tough ride, no matter the outcome.
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post #29 of 204 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 09:44 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

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I don't think that was weak at all. In fact, I think being that direct and resolute without solid proof of an affair shows strength, but you CANNOT BE BLUFFING. She will test your resolve soon. People may say you should get solid evidence first, but if you truly feel this way (and you should based on what you've written here), you don't need it.

My guess is that she had some kind of previous affair 3 yrs ago, and you got the ILYBNILWY speech when she decided she was in lurve with that sancho. He probably dumped her when he got the sense she wanted more, but by then she had lost respect for you. She has been on the prowl since, and is smitten enough with this new guy to get careless.

Talk to a few good lawyers before making any financial moves or disclosing anything else about your intent. She has now become the enemy. It seems you have already mostly changed your view of her in this direction anyway. I would be pretty pissed off too at this point.

I wish you the best. This will be a tough ride, no matter the outcome.
Why don't you say what the meltdown was over. I agree sounds like she cheated on you 3 years ago.

When your spouse says ILYBNILWY you give them papers the next day. That's the only course of action.
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post #30 of 204 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 09:47 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

I have two questions:

- What did she blame the meltdown on 3 years ago?

- Are you really surprised that at least one of you has sought affection elsewhere by now?
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