Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship? - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 204 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 09:50 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

Three questions, actually:

- Where can I get a bunch of what SunCMars is smoking?

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post #32 of 204 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 09:50 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

Sounds like you are on the right track. Keep pushing forward and file for divorce.

Like you said she is in a EA with the OM. She has already stated she is gone when the youngest goes to college. Also that she doesn't see the two of you growing old together.

It's time, you have tried for three years now. You have done your best. You can not fix this marriage with her not even trying.
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post #33 of 204 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 09:56 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

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She has already stated she is gone when the youngest goes to college. Also that she doesn't see the two of you growing old together.
Damn, I totally forgot to rant about that part. Haha.

Why waste 6 more years of your life, with this on the horizon? As soon as you heard that, you should have filed. I'm not saying I would've had the strength myself when I was married for the first time with a young kid, but I would now. Life is way too short.
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post #34 of 204 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 10:04 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

What exactly are you hoping to accomplish by basically supporting her lifestyle and affair? Just pay her alimony and get it over with at least you wont' have to watch her as she builds a whole new life without you. At least she won't be doing it right in front of you and in front of her children's father while they watch. Seriously why in your right mind would you put up with this situation? Guilt?

Over and over, passive men get bullied. Over and over and over. Doesn't matter what site or how it starts, what the guys age, how long they have known each other, what religion, if they were soulmates, passive men get taken advantage of consistently. They get cheated on in the worst most disrespectful ways imaginable. The women don't even have the decency to not flaunt it. Nope they almost cerebrate it. Over and over. Just as water is wet. Parents raise your sons to be strong and have boundaries. No women is worth your own self respect.

People like your wife who do this kind of stuff are not worth the time and effort.
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post #35 of 204 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 10:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

Basically, the meltdown was due to deep depression, burnout and mid-life crisis. She blames me and our marriage for taking away her youth and that she wants to experience more.

There were suspicions of an affair then. But she literally had no other circles back then other than my friends and school families. She didn't really have any life back then. She saw herself as a weak person and somehow reconciling would mean she'd be going back to that person.

Twisted and sad. She's got a lot of issues that she's not willing to confront. The only good news is that she is finally willing to try going back to a therapist. I'm glad of that for her sake.

Good night, all.
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post #36 of 204 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 10:29 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

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Originally Posted by squid1035 View Post
Basically, the meltdown was due to deep depression, burnout and mid-life crisis. She blames me and our marriage for taking away her youth and that she wants to experience more.

There were suspicions of an affair then. But she literally had no other circles back then other than my friends and school families. She didn't really have any life back then. She saw herself as a weak person and somehow reconciling would mean she'd be going back to that person.

Twisted and sad. She's got a lot of issues that she's not willing to confront. The only good news is that she is finally willing to try going back to a therapist. I'm glad of that for her sake.

Good night, all.
Did she want to be a SAHM or did you force her to do that? You wife sound awfully entitled. Now at the very least she is having an EA, and she told you she was leaving when the kids grew up? What does it take for you to get she is just not that in to you and is using you for the financial security you provide? You are wasting years of your life you will never get back. Your too damn nice for your own good. There is no honor in letting someone take advantage of you.

Unless you get some fortitude you are going to end up one of these people going to your kids HS graduation alone while your wife is there married to her new affair partner. Bragging about her career that you bankrolled and undermining you with your kids. Never love someone so much that you allow them to take advantage of you with it.

Tell her you want a divorce. Then see what she says. Or open your marriage, I am against that but that is what you basically have now. You provide a home for her while she goes out on dates. Tell her you want the truth about her affair 3 years ago. Already you have allowed her to rewrite your marriage so that all her unfulfillment is your fault. You are not responsible for her fulfillment. You are responsible to be her husband.

Seriously you have gone about this all wrong for 3 years. Passive people get run over.
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post #37 of 204 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 10:53 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

Squid, you are moving in the right direction, cannot beleive you let her call all the shots for three years and put up with it. You have to pull up your big boy panties and be a man of action, a leader, the head of your household. YOur wife has you by the short and curlies and you have allowed it and for what exactly? You are not doing your kids any favours at all.

Your wife has showed you her hand, you don't feature in her life long term, why pay for everything, help her coparent and do all while she cavorts, fraternises or even worse with an OM?

Get your ducks in a row, it is irrelevant whether she has cheated, she has told you she doesn't want you basically except as a money earner till kids grow up

1. Go 180 on the wife, tell her nothing about your plan,s discuss kids, household etc. Act like you don't care, emotionally detach from her. Start to dress better, lose weight, etc. Think about a future life with someone in it that loves you, appreciates you, understands you, she is out there.
2.Tell family and friends, ask for support from those who are close to you
3. Go do things for yourself, the gym, clubs, etc
4. Get IC to see why you would allow someone to walk over you for so long and take it.
5. Go see a lawyer, see what your options are, serve her as soon as possible.
She wants to find herself, give her wants she wants.
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post #38 of 204 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 11:00 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

Quote:
Originally Posted by squid1035 View Post
Basically, the meltdown was due to deep depression, burnout and mid-life crisis. She blames me and our marriage for taking away her youth and that she wants to experience more.

There were suspicions of an affair then. But she literally had no other circles back then other than my friends and school families. She didn't really have any life back then. She saw herself as a weak person and somehow reconciling would mean she'd be going back to that person.

Twisted and sad. She's got a lot of issues that she's not willing to confront. The only good news is that she is finally willing to try going back to a therapist. I'm glad of that for her sake.

Good night, all.
She told you what she wants (to experience more) 3 years ago. You've both lived in limbo since.

Social media existed 3 years ago. Women have FAR more opportunities than men to be unfaithful. Seriously, it's probably 10:1. Males are everywhere, and will go to great lengths for some strange. It's a seller's market.
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post #39 of 204 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 11:05 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

Possible EA? Come on, this is a full on sexual PA which includes declarations of love. Why do you think she guards her phone and tried to disguise OM's name? So you can't read of how much they "love" each other and nor see the highly probable naughty pics they send each other. Her going off the grid is when they're getting busy.

Why would you want to continue with this farce of a marriage? No sex in 3 years? You're being celibate while she's having a fulfilling sex life. I'd bet my next mortgage payment that this is a full on sexual PA. In stall a VAR in her car and you'll probably have your evidence within week.

Personally, I'd immediately cut her off financially. No whoring on your dime. Let her finance her lifestyle with the leftover money she has from her job, after paying her percentage of household income, share of the bills. Implement the 180 so you can start to detach, and file for D. You can co-parent better as a happy single guy than staying in such miserable marriage.
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post #40 of 204 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 12:36 AM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

Since we don't have her side, I can only speak to yours.

If she starts giving you sex again, are you going to be even more confused? I mean, it's been 3 years so if she is willing, does that mean therapy was a success? Or does it mean that she's in heavy damage mode?

While I think it was a good step to confront her with your boundaries, your brain still wants to look at her as a mother first. Because you want to see the good and hope it will overcome or make up for the bad. While you're giving her the benefit of the doubt, try to remember she gave no such consideration to you or your children as she was carrying on with Matt. Being a good guy might make you sleep better at night, but IMO it isn't going to show her anything but a man afraid of losing his marriage. She will use that fear to her advantage... Be careful.

You can call a spade a spade or you can call it a wrench or a basketball, if you so desire. If you want to save your marriage you must be willing to lose it and you must be ready to show her as much with your actions.

She may have had a legitimate breakdown, but she is responsible for her own happiness. Looking to another for the responsibility of providing happiness is not a long term solution. So many women (and men) make this error in life, then look back and realize they are still missing that real happiness. So, something new and shiny comes along (Matt) with availability, and off she goes to create a new happy, secret world with him. She will still fail to find happiness because she is yet again looking in the wrong place. She's just not that far along yet, because you confronted her, luckily.

Tread carefully is what I am trying to say. Own your faults, but hold her responsible for hers as well. You always have options. Even tough options are options.


"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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post #41 of 204 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 12:59 AM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

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Originally Posted by squid1035 View Post
Whelp,

I know this will underwhelm everyone here but we had a long talk tonight. Pretty much told her that if you look at all the evidence, everything points to, at least, an EA. She says she agreed and acted totally naive but still flatly denied. And I said every bit of this relationship with OM is a total disrespect to myself, our kids, and this family. She insisted that boundaries have been set and that nothing has or will happen, and that they only meet in public places, never in private. I explained how much our crappy marriage is already affecting the older kids and how they're protecting the youngest one from it. She agreed and turned sad. I honestly don't think it's physical but it's headed that way. I told her to look up limerence and tell me if any of that sounds familiar. And that she's either not being truthful with me, herself or is in total denial, but she's headed for an EA if it's not there yet. She went quiet.

I know I look weak as hell.

I reached out to a guy from my men's group and he gave some advice on what to do before I went to a divorce attorney. He went through something like this recently with a woman that was full on crazy. He told me to get my financial accounts in order first before I mention anything to her about divorce. I'll be consulting with an attorney in a few days.

Look, I have no intention of kicking her to the curb and leaving her out in the cold. She's the mother of my children and I do genuinely care about her. I told her that I can't take this marriage anymore and living a lie like this, even for the sake of our kids. She looked very worried. And I left it at that.

That's all I have thus far.
She's lying.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #42 of 204 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 01:44 AM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

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Pretty much told her that if you look at all the evidence, everything points to, at least, an EA. She says she agreed and acted totally naive but still flatly denied. And I said every bit of this relationship with OM is a total disrespect to myself, our kids, and this family. She insisted that boundaries have been set and that nothing has or will happen
You know in your heart that she is in at least an emotional affair (EA) with the other man (OM), but is telling you that sexually "nothing has or will happen" with him. Well guess what, since she has repeatedly told you that she will never have sex with you ever again, she is truthfully telling the OM that since meeting the OM that sexually "nothing has or will happen" with you.

Since she is emotionally involved with him instead of you, by definition their relationship is now the primary relationship, and your relationship with her had been reduced to nothing more than being her meal ticket, with the OM getting all the advantages of being the primary without any of the bills.
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post #43 of 204 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 02:35 AM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

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Now skip to a few weeks ago. She says she’s going to a lunch date with some friends and that she shouldn’t be long. I try texting her several times to get an update because I’m waiting at home with the kids to see what our plans should be, but she’s basically unreachable. I get a little worried because this is not like her to be gone for so long and without contact. Turns out she went to see the manatees in a marina not too far from home and that she was with just one of the 2 friends she originally planned to hang out with. Then a couple weeks later, while at work she texts me that she’s going to grab something where she works and will be home a little later than planned. I text back a little later, concerned because the weather reports show for tornado-type weather and that she should try to get home soon. No replies for about 2 hours. Then she arrives home. I asked her where she went for dinner and she said she went to happy hour and I asked where. She vaguely alludes to “over there”, which I kind of pick up on as a little evasive. That night, I’m sitting in our living room and her phone is on the coffee table at my feet. It lights up from a text message and I glance at it.

" Saw the manatee "


Is that what they're calling it nowadays ?

The time spent at the ' marina ' and 'happy hour' ... you know before I say it. And 'over there ', just call it his place for short.

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


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post #44 of 204 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 02:48 AM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

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She's lying.


I concur with what everyone is saying about squid moving in the right direction.

It doesn't matter if she is lying. Squid went to her, gave her his concerns and boundaries and she said NO.

If I were to go to my wife with concerns about some dude I'd expect the concerns to be addressed, not dismissed. He'd be lucky if this is just lying. Atleast that's simple. We have a woman who won't meet him halfway.

Squid has the right idea. He has a very simple boundary and needs to enforce it. Seeing a lawyer is a great next step.

Squid I do disagree with your friend. You need to see a lawyer before getting your finances straight in an ideal world. What you do with money can have consequences down the line. A lawyer will help you navigate that.

----
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post #45 of 204 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 05:49 AM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

@squid1035 I am in favour of reconciliation. And keeping a relationship going, I really am.

But! Not at any price.

Your wife has cheated. She has cheated on you emotionally and possibly physically. (Well, probably rather than possibly, now I think about it.)

But that's not the only cheating she has done.

She has cheated you out of the love and support of your wife.

But she has also cheated your children out of a good, decent family life, by distancing herself from you and, if you think hard, probably to some extent from the children, too?

She has made it perfectly clear that she doesn't want to be a real and functioning part of the family so, in that case, she must leave the family physically as well as mentally. And she must do it not in six years time, but now!

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