Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship? - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
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post #46 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 07:45 AM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

Squid:

Nothing changes until you get sick and tired of being sick and tired.


"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #47 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 07:58 AM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

Everything good, bad, indifferent and weird has been said {written}.

I own the weird.

Some more:

When I look at your marriage and the two notable characters, You and Mrs.Squid, all I see is slow motion.

Every facet of your life is done sloooowly. Slowly, is good if things end up well. Well, maybe always a little late. Three years in the desert, no kisses..save the Camel's.

If both of you eventually arrive at the well...to pucker, de-parch, parse/pare your problems. Its OK. But, you won't. Both of you are depressive.

You are both "low desire". LD. You can wait three years or more for the next eruption of Mount Etna. Somehow, you can avoid her Krakatoa under her Forested Mount for that long. Wow!

God Bless Ya. Not many men can do this. Not many women would wait that long for the farmer to plow her field and plant the seed. You have made her warm soil barren. She allows this also.

Maybe you practice Onanism to get you by, to get you off and "it" bye, bye.

Maybe she does it too. Her? I doubt it.

Stop being a snail. Life is zipping past you.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #48 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 08:00 AM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

Sq. your either fooling your self or she is fooling you...your being sucker punched and you don't even realize it...she is placating you, some people have to learn the hard way.
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post #49 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 09:32 AM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

squid.... Do you really see you and your wife having sex again? I bet you don't. I bet she doesn't. I bet the thought repulses both of you. Just end your sham of a marriage. It's a joke and you can't be loving life. I've been in your shoes. I was in a 100% sexless marriage for 4 years (married 8) before I left. Hell, I never even got a BJ from my ex before and after marriage. My Ex wanted to R and I looked her in the face and told her I will never have sex with you again, so I'm doing you a favor. I hated her. I resented her. I was not attracted to her. I'm 13 months since separation (7 months since divorce) and having the best sex of my life at age 35. You can too. Just have to tell your kids, family, and friends that it's over. Once everyone knows, it's easy to move on and put the nail in the coffin.
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post #50 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 10:04 AM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

There are many of us who did what you are doing. There are many,many people still doing it everyday of their lives.


Gus said "she is lying"
Almost all of can see the signs as clear as day.

She is lying straight to your face.
That sadness you noticed is not for you or your family. It is for her. You put a small dent in her fantasy.

I am not going to tell you to man up. I am not going to tell you to go nuclear. No checking of her phone. There is no need here

Just Divorce her now.

Take some time to recover. Be with your kids because she is going to skip off for a while..
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post #51 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 10:11 AM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

The only reason to jump when your spouse looks at your phone is because you think you're doing something they wouldn't like or you actually ARE doing something they wouldn't like. Either way it's bad news and I'd start getting things lined up for the day she confesses or the day you walk in on something/overhear something.
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post #52 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 10:23 AM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

Quote:
Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
Squid:

Nothing changes until you get sick and tired of being sick and tired.
So much this. Farside said this to me a while ago and there is alot of truth to it. It sounds like your approaching the point if being sick and tired of being sick and tired. Sick and tired is no way to live!


Quote:
Originally Posted by squid1035 View Post
Basically, the meltdown was due to deep depression, burnout and mid-life crisis. She blames me and our marriage for taking away her youth and that she wants to experience more.

There were suspicions of an affair then. But she literally had no other circles back then other than my friends and school families. She didn't really have any life back then. She saw herself as a weak person and somehow reconciling would mean she'd be going back to that person.

Twisted and sad. She's got a lot of issues that she's not willing to confront. The only good news is that she is finally willing to try going back to a therapist. I'm glad of that for her sake.

Good night, all.
Do NOT make the mistake of thinking this. In fact I would argue that because of this an A was more likely. Depression, lack of quality friends and a rocky marriage. All it would take is a little attention from a suitor and the rest is history.
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post #53 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 10:29 AM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

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Originally Posted by Sixlet View Post
The only reason to jump when your spouse looks at your phone is because you think you're doing something they wouldn't like or you actually ARE doing something they wouldn't like. Either way it's bad news and I'd start getting things lined up for the day she confesses or the day you walk in on something/overhear something.
Or you come home to divorce papers that are trying to take you to the cleaners. You may not want to do that to the mother of your children but if she is cheating she shows no such compunctions.
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post #54 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 10:44 AM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

You'd better do your due diligence research into divorce laws where you live. Especially alimony and division of retirement assets. I think you should consult with an attorney. Most will give a free 15 to 30 minute consultation where you can get your basic questions answered about how things usually go where you live. If you wait for her to have the balls to file for divorce it will probably be after the 20 year mark in your marriage which may trigger unpleasant surprises financially for you. In my state it triggers permanent alimony! You may have pension or 401k issues at 20 years. Your personal financial situation may be different in important ways when one of you eventually files. You need to know what the legal landscape is now and what it will be in a few years for you.

When your kids get into college there are significant financial issues tied into divorce. Child support and college financial aid are two of them.

You've got teens, and I understand that. I've recently divorced with my kids being 20 - 27 yrs old. I chose to not divorce while they were in high school. Looking back it was a mistake. The logic was good, and the reasons were real, but the kids already know your marriage is terrible. As someone posted, they are seeing your marriage and they will duplicate it when they get older. It is far better for them to see you two being healthily divorced.
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post #55 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 06:08 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

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Originally Posted by squid1035 View Post
Whelp,

I know this will underwhelm everyone here but we had a long talk tonight. Pretty much told her that if you look at all the evidence, everything points to, at least, an EA. She says she agreed and acted totally naive but still flatly denied. And I said every bit of this relationship with OM is a total disrespect to myself, our kids, and this family. She insisted that boundaries have been set and that nothing has or will happen, and that they only meet in public places, never in private. I explained how much our crappy marriage is already affecting the older kids and how they're protecting the youngest one from it. She agreed and turned sad. I honestly don't think it's physical but it's headed that way. I told her to look up limerence and tell me if any of that sounds familiar. And that she's either not being truthful with me, herself or is in total denial, but she's headed for an EA if it's not there yet. She went quiet.

Just about every betrayed spouse does this. Wanting to believe it's just an EA. Clinging to that small sliver of hope.

Cheaters lie a lot.

My friend you are the one that's in denial.


I know I look weak as hell.

If your son or brother was you what would you tell him? What do you think your kids think about you? Is this a good example for them? Kids are a lot smarter than you think.

I reached out to a guy from my men's group and he gave some advice on what to do before I went to a divorce attorney. He went through something like this recently with a woman that was full on crazy. He told me to get my financial accounts in order first before I mention anything to her about divorce. I'll be consulting with an attorney in a few days.

Look, I have no intention of kicking her to the curb and leaving her out in the cold. She's the mother of my children and I do genuinely care about her. I told her that I can't take this marriage anymore and living a lie like this, even for the sake of our kids. She looked very worried. And I left it at that.

That's all I have thus far.
You'd better start looking out for yourself no one else is are they?

Read up you need it badly
http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=A0LEV...Aaw1SBFa.K3rA-

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post #56 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 08:18 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

Quote:
Originally Posted by squid1035 View Post
Basically, the meltdown was due to deep depression, burnout and mid-life crisis. She blames me and our marriage for taking away her youth and that she wants to experience more.

There were suspicions of an affair then. But she literally had no other circles back then other than my friends and school families. She didn't really have any life back then. She saw herself as a weak person and somehow reconciling would mean she'd be going back to that person.

Twisted and sad. She's got a lot of issues that she's not willing to confront. The only good news is that she is finally willing to try going back to a therapist. I'm glad of that for her sake.

Good night, all.
To be blunt: You're just the live-in babysitter that pays for everything. That is NOT attractive at all. All the red flags all there. You're as beta as they come and its extremely painful to read your posts. You live in a hell of your own making. As others have said, until you decide to get off your butt, you will continue to live this way until you decide enough is enough. I speculate that she and OM just laugh at you. Read No More Mr. Nice Guy for starters and seek help for your codependency.
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post #57 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 12:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

Lordmayhem,

I just read "Just Let Them Go". That is exactly the state I am in right now. I am still setting up a conversation with an attorney and doing a bit of due diligence with a VAR and trying to check her text messages. But at this point, letting her go is the simplest way to go about it.

Yes, I have devolved into a weak POS. I've hit rock bottom. I can't explain how much lighter I feel about just thinking about letting her go.

Enacting 180. Keep it coming.
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post #58 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 12:43 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

@squid1035,

You've come a long way, my friend. You've put a lot of time and effort into this. There's no shame now, you tried. R takes more than one person.

You deserve better. We all deserve better. One foot in front of the other.

Best

"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." T.R.

Be a better man... / ADHD and Marriage

Last edited by anchorwatch; 02-16-2017 at 12:52 PM.
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post #59 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 06:24 AM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

With you not having sex with your wife in over 3 years, you really should already be detached from her. It's obvious that she's detached.

I strongly advise that you implement a modified 180. No hostility needed, just start doing your own thing. Reconnect with your male friends. Go out and do physical things like a team sport, take up a martial art, go hunting/fishing, go to a gun range. Just get out there and rediscover your inner warrior.

With 2 of your kids already in college and the other soon to be, you will be past having to pay child support to your wife. I hope she's working, if not, make her go get a job. You don't want to be punished by the "family" courts with having to support her. Most states don't take adultery into consideration for possible alimony. Remember that "no fault" divorce usually turns into his fault.
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post #60 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 11:33 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

Quote:
Originally Posted by squid1035 View Post
Lordmayhem,

I just read "Just Let Them Go". That is exactly the state I am in right now. I am still setting up a conversation with an attorney and doing a bit of due diligence with a VAR and trying to check her text messages. But at this point, letting her go is the simplest way to go about it.

Yes, I have devolved into a weak POS. I've hit rock bottom. I can't explain how much lighter I feel about just thinking about letting her go.

Enacting 180. Keep it coming.
Good job. Just keep in mind that the 180 is not for her or getting back at her or getting her back. It is a tool to help you detach so that you can make a decision to go on, with or without her.
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