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post #61 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 03:32 AM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

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And I said every bit of this relationship with OM is a total disrespect to myself, our kids, and this family. She insisted that boundaries have been set and that nothing has or will happen, and that they only meet in public places, never in private.
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When she finally gave back the phone, I went straight to her messages, with her hovering, and saw a string of texts from someone who’s initials are most likely that of Matt. They read about a camper van project that he couldn’t wait to show her. Prior to this she did mention that Matt was leaving in March to travel and settle west and that he wanted to hang out with her and other friends before he left. And on another occasion that a “friend” bought a campervan and was planning a trip out west.
I just noticed this. On one hand "she insisted that boundaries have been set", "and that they only meet in public places, never in private", and yet on the other hand you see texts from him to her "about a camper van project that he couldn't wait to show her." I could not imagine anything less public and more private than him showing her the inside of his camper van, where by definition there would be a bed and they would be alone in close quarters. Basically, this shows that she lied flat out about there ever being a boundary where they never meet in private. I know there are a lot of other things, but this just another confirmation.

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post #62 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 05:18 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

Platonic friendships can often end up in bed.

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http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
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post #63 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 08:38 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

This is how it looks to us...


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post #64 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 09:06 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

Sorry squid1035, but you have red flags, red flares and rail-road crossing signs with big red flashing lights.

Seems like she started checking herself out 3 years ago. You have a room-mate you don't even have sex with. You even checked out yourself to some degree and as you stated, the kids already know.
There is a chance that when she had her meltdown, what really happened is that she was having an affair - got found out, and the other man broke up with your wife and went back to his marriage.

Right now, she's getting intimacy and far more likely than not - sex. Her answers to your questions seems to show it. Her reactions to her phone prove it. Cheaters keep their phones next to them and lock them up.

So I'll repeat what the others are saying.

1 - Go to a lawyer and get your ducks in order, see what your options are and prepare to file. You want to file first, don't wait for her to do it to you. She now knows that YOU are suspicious and seeing that the end is near.

2 - Come up with two plans. A nice quick divorce... you tell her "go have your freedom with Matt or whoever or life" - and you get the kids. If she goes for quick and easy, she can start her new life now and let you be the primary, you get the house and get the kids to school and keep their friends. Optional, she can have the guest room when she is passing through town - but otherwise, doesn't live there.
Plan B : she becomes evil crazy woman and wants the kids, the house, the money, etc. Which means, more money, time and aggravation. Hope she goes for Plan A, makes it quick and less stressful for the kids... so much faster and you both can remain as "friends" and will present the divorce as a united front that things have been over for a while and it's not the kids' fault. She moves out and you start dating,etc.

If she agreed with this, say "okay I'll have the lawyer draw up papers, we go into mediation" and the whole thing may cost you about $2000 in lawyer paper work, $500~2500 for mediation and $200~400 to file.

3 - You do 180 today.

4 - Go to the gym... loose weight. Look for new social activities to do with other guys and meet people in general. Do the gym first for about a month to lose 10 lbs or so before hitting the social life. Since you have a 16 and 17 yr old, they can watch the 11yr old when you go out every other weekend-night or whatever.

5 - Go to a stripper bar, have fun. You deserve it. Go by yourself or go with friends. IMHO, this helps to reintroduce you to women... not so drooling on your first dates.

This looks good for you, your wayward wife and your children. They will prefer to see you both HAPPY than you both being miserable.

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post #65 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 02:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

Well, we had a fun weekend.

I planted a VAR in the wife's car on Saturday because she told me she was going to meet her female coworkers for an evening of bar-hopping. I went to hang with a buddy and told him my current woes.

Later when we were both home I asked what she did with the ladies and she said "ate. drank." Yeah. Super vague.

So I went to the VAR and, low and behold, there was evidence that she was with the guy. Nothing sexual, just them talking, where he's telling her how much he likes her and that he'll probably never meet anyone like her....really pouring on the charm. She pretty much rebuked him but did reiterate that she doesn't have feelings for me. Dagger through my heart.

Obviously, very upset, I woke her up at 3:30 in the morning and directly confronted her and asked her where she was and she immediately came clean. I stormed out and spent the rest of the night/morning at my mother's house. And returned later that morning to our house.

We talked for a really long time. She cried. Begged for forgiveness. Grovelled and pleaded that there was no sex, just talking and that that's all they ever do. That they had a list of things they wanted to do before he left town for good. Then the conversation steered towards how much she missed "us" and that the reason she was drawn to him is that he reminds her of me back when we met. Then we both cried and held each other and talked about how we missed each other and reminisced about how great our life was before and wondered if we could ever get that back.

She did say that at that moment was the first time she had felt something for me in many years. (i know)

Of course, I told her that what she did to me was so wrong on so many levels. I told her about trust being totally broken and that if I could ever forgive her I'd have to first really hate her for a really long time. I asked how she could possibly bring so much risk and upheaval into our house and family.

She expressed guilt and shame and was crying mess mostly over how much she knew she hurt me.

I will say that this was the first time since she checked out that she has ever seemed open to reconciliation. We both agreed that we let the marriage go on autopilot for a long time even when we saw it heading for the cliff. I told her that we need to step away from the marriage for a while, get our heads straight, learn some skills, and then rebuild our relationship from the ground up. Find a new happy. She said that scared her but was open to the idea.

Later in the day I told her that I needed one thing from her to make things better. She knew that I was going to tell her to cut off contact with OP. She freaked out a bit. Asked if she could say goodbye. I said maybe, but I'd have to listen to the conversation to make sure she followed through on it. It's non-negotiable. If she couldn't do this, she could go and be with him. She said that was never the plan and knew that their relationship, at least where could spend time together, had an expiration date.

I said it's either me and her in a relationship or nothing at all. This isn't an open marriage. You either stay here and work on the marriage or go. If we still are unable to work things out then we'll go our separate ways.

In the 2 plus years that she checked out we never really worked specifically on the marriage. I just played damage control and attempted to repair what I thought was broken and pretty much lost myself in that process.

I know that I cannot believe a single word she says. I know this. She's done so much back-pedaling it's very difficult to decipher what is real and what's not. I at least know that everything regarding him could be a bold-face lie. And that anything she says to me regarding our relationship could be a lie to have her cake and eat it too.

I'm going to insist upon total transparency or nothing at all. For the first time I have the power in the relationship and she knows it, and I intend to lead us through this towards reconciliation. If we can't make it work then at least I know I did everything I could.

I know you're all thinking how could I put up with so much bulls***. I believe there's something that can be saved here and so much to lose if we just gave up. That sounds really corny, I know. But that's where I'm at now.

Wounded as hell, but still here.
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post #66 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 02:52 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

She's lying.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #67 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 04:34 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

Hope you did not tell her about the VAR.

Get it back in the car and do not be surprised when you hear her talking to him again.

The only honest thing you have heard her say in 4 years was when she told him that she had no feelings for you. That did not change because she got caught.
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post #68 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 05:10 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

If you had been here for a while... you should have tried to calm down and not show your hand how you may know things.

2~3 years of no sex. You both really don't seem to care about each other. She has already checked out. You are fighting a major huge uphill battle.
If this type of thing has been going on for a few weeks or months, then something to go for. 3 years of being dead to each other?

At best, maybe go to MC together and see if a therapist can help figure out if you both should stay or go. But with the folks here... it seems your marriage is dead.

She wants to keep up appearances... she already told you she was ready to leave when the kids got older.

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post #69 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 06:58 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

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Originally Posted by TaDor View Post
She wants to keep up appearances... she already told you she was ready to leave when the kids got older.
Exactly correct.

If she "rebuffed" this guy at all, it's because she never intended to leave her family for him.

Yet.

Smart money says that didn't keep her from having sex with him, though.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #70 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 07:22 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

She's doing massive damage control.

And don't worry about her saying goodbye - she has already been in contact with him. But on the 1% chance she hasn't , of F'ing course she doesn't give this scum the courtesy of a goodbye. Don't even consider it.


----
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post #71 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 07:31 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

Quote:
Originally Posted by squid1035 View Post
Well, we had a fun weekend.

I planted a VAR in the wife's car on Saturday because she told me she was going to meet her female coworkers for an evening of bar-hopping. I went to hang with a buddy and told him my current woes.

Later when we were both home I asked what she did with the ladies and she said "ate. drank." Yeah. Super vague.

So I went to the VAR and, low and behold, there was evidence that she was with the guy. Nothing sexual, just them talking, where he's telling her how much he likes her and that he'll probably never meet anyone like her....really pouring on the charm. She pretty much rebuked him but did reiterate that she doesn't have feelings for me. Dagger through my heart.

Obviously, very upset, I woke her up at 3:30 in the morning and directly confronted her and asked her where she was and she immediately came clean. I stormed out and spent the rest of the night/morning at my mother's house. And returned later that morning to our house.

We talked for a really long time. She cried. Begged for forgiveness. Grovelled and pleaded that there was no sex, just talking and that that's all they ever do. That they had a list of things they wanted to do before he left town for good. Then the conversation steered towards how much she missed "us" and that the reason she was drawn to him is that he reminds her of me back when we met. Then we both cried and held each other and talked about how we missed each other and reminisced about how great our life was before and wondered if we could ever get that back.

She did say that at that moment was the first time she had felt something for me in many years. (i know)

Regret for getting caught only

Of course, I told her that what she did to me was so wrong on so many levels. I told her about trust being totally broken and that if I could ever forgive her I'd have to first really hate her for a really long time. I asked how she could possibly bring so much risk and upheaval into our house and family.

She expressed guilt and shame and was crying mess mostly over how much she knew she hurt me.

I will say that this was the first time since she checked out that she has ever seemed open to reconciliation. We both agreed that we let the marriage go on autopilot for a long time even when we saw it heading for the cliff. I told her that we need to step away from the marriage for a while, get our heads straight, learn some skills, and then rebuild our relationship from the ground up. Find a new happy. She said that scared her but was open to the idea.

Later in the day I told her that I needed one thing from her to make things better. She knew that I was going to tell her to cut off contact with OP. She freaked out a bit. Asked if she could say goodbye. I said maybe, but I'd have to listen to the conversation to make sure she followed through on it. It's non-negotiable. If she couldn't do this, she could go and be with him. She said that was never the plan and knew that their relationship, at least where could spend time together, had an expiration date.

Stupid idea. Him or you take it or leave it. If you allow this its weakness on your part. Say goodbye to an affair partner that should have never happened? Really?

I said it's either me and her in a relationship or nothing at all. This isn't an open marriage. You either stay here and work on the marriage or go. If we still are unable to work things out then we'll go our separate ways.

In the 2 plus years that she checked out we never really worked specifically on the marriage. I just played damage control and attempted to repair what I thought was broken and pretty much lost myself in that process.

You can never work hard enough or nice them back enough to make a difference. Hope you get this now.

I know that I cannot believe a single word she says. I know this. She's done so much back-pedaling it's very difficult to decipher what is real and what's not. I at least know that everything regarding him could be a bold-face lie. And that anything she says to me regarding our relationship could be a lie to have her cake and eat it too.

Cheaters lie a lot. Actions will tell you what you need to know.

I'm going to insist upon total transparency or nothing at all. For the first time I have the power in the relationship and she knows it, and I intend to lead us through this towards reconciliation. If we can't make it work then at least I know I did everything I could.

I know you're all thinking how could I put up with so much bulls***. I believe there's something that can be saved here and so much to lose if we just gave up. That sounds really corny, I know. But that's where I'm at now.

You can't do it yourself. If she's not in then end it. Quit being played for a fool.

Wounded as hell, but still here.

Last edited by Marc878; 02-20-2017 at 07:37 PM.
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post #72 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 09:40 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

You need to read the MMSLP book below.........like four years ago to be honest.

No one has ever come her with this many red flags and especially the severity of the flags flying here and there not been an affair. As a matter of fact, google serial cheater and see how screwed up in the head they are.

She has stolen three years of your life for her own selfish reasons.......and let you pay for it. Do you not see how your reaction/inaction made you unfit husband material. Forget the morality of it, look at it biologically and how a woman sees a fitting mate.
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post #73 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 09:58 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

This is like watching a train wreck on repeat....

"The one who is most willing to walk away from the relationship, is the one who controls the relationship."
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post #74 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 10:58 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

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Nothing sexual, just them talking, where he's telling her how much he likes her and that he'll probably never meet anyone like her....really pouring on the charm. She pretty much rebuked him but did reiterate that she doesn't have feelings for me. Dagger through my heart.
It was sexual. A smart guy that wants sex with a married woman knows that talking dirty is not usually a good idea. When he told her "how much he likes her and that he'll probably never meet anyone like her", that was him telling her that he wants more than a platonic friend relationship with her. Her telling him that "she doesn't have feelings for" you was her telling him that she is no longer in a romantic relationship with you where the other man needs to consider her taken, and that she is romantically available if he keeps pursuing her. They may not have used sexual words, but him saying that he wants her, and her saying that she is available, was all about romance and the potential for a sexual relationship.
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post #75 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 01:53 AM
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Cool Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

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It was sexual. A smart guy that wants sex with a married woman knows that talking dirty is not usually a good idea. When he told her "how much he likes her and that he'll probably never meet anyone like her", that was him telling her that he wants more than a platonic friend relationship with her. Her telling him that "she doesn't have feelings for" you was her telling him that she is no longer in a romantic relationship with you where the other man needs to consider her taken, and that she is romantically available if he keeps pursuing her. They may not have used sexual words, but him saying that he wants her, and her saying that she is available, was all about romance and the potential for a sexual relationship.
Late to the party here, @squid1035 ~ but you unceremoniously became her "Plan B" several years back whenever she first vacated the sanctity of your boudoir! It was at that exact moment that you became her caregiver and chief financier rather than her H!

"Matt" conveniently came down the pike as her new "Plan A" candidate and has largely remained in that category ever since!

It's all so simple for her ~ if she wants something indicative of love and companionship, say from the kids, she gets that at the family home, even your nearness to her in bed seems awfully nice to her!

But whenever she wants her "ashes hauled," well that's Matts job now! Whatever the content is of her text messages to and from him will tell you more than you will ever want to know about that sordid, clandestine activity of theirs!

Remedy? Time for you to fully take the bull by the horns and to execute "the 180" by visiting with a good "piranha" family attorney to advise you on both your marital property and child custodial rights! And, perchance that he is indeed married, then "Mrs. Matt" needs to know all about it, as does the HR Department at their place of employment!

The better news here is that lacking any sex with her in these later years of your marriage, there is probably no need for you to procure a medical test for STD's, although getting one certainly wouldn't hurt!

Sorry to see you here at TAM, but you are now in the best counsel in the world from both respectable men and women who have trodden down the same unfortunate path that you are now on!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html

Last edited by arbitrator; 02-21-2017 at 04:06 AM. Reason: Edification
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