Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship? - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
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post #76 of 204 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 03:35 AM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

Matt wants your wife. Because she is sexy and because she has sent up a signal flare of the type that sky writes in letters of fire "I am available. Please be patient."



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post #77 of 204 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 03:59 AM
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Cool Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

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I just noticed this. On one hand "she insisted that boundaries have been set", "and that they only meet in public places, never in private", and yet on the other hand you see texts from him to her "about a camper van project that he couldn't wait to show her." I could not imagine anything less public and more private than him showing her the inside of his camper van, where by definition there would be a bed and they would be alone in close quarters. Basically, this shows that she lied flat out about there ever being a boundary where they never meet in private. I know there are a lot of other things, but this just another confirmation.
Do rest assured that the two of them have already "been camping," and several times over, I might add!

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post #78 of 204 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 04:39 AM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

When my wayward was cheating - there was little to no actual sex talk in their texts. Changing of this name? Hovering over her phone, 3 years of no sex.

Your wife is done. Your marriage is done. File for D and celebrate.

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post #79 of 204 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 08:11 AM
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Cool Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

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Well, we had a fun weekend.

I planted a VAR in the wife's car on Saturday because she told me she was going to meet her female coworkers for an evening of bar-hopping. I went to hang with a buddy and told him my current woes.

Later when we were both home I asked what she did with the ladies and she said "ate. drank." Yeah. Super vague.

So I went to the VAR and, low and behold, there was evidence that she was with the guy. Nothing sexual, just them talking, where he's telling her how much he likes her and that he'll probably never meet anyone like her....really pouring on the charm. She pretty much rebuked him but did reiterate that she doesn't have feelings for me. Dagger through my heart.

Obviously, very upset, I woke her up at 3:30 in the morning and directly confronted her and asked her where she was and she immediately came clean. I stormed out and spent the rest of the night/morning at my mother's house. And returned later that morning to our house.

We talked for a really long time. She cried. Begged for forgiveness. Grovelled and pleaded that there was no sex, just talking and that that's all they ever do. That they had a list of things they wanted to do before he left town for good. Then the conversation steered towards how much she missed "us" and that the reason she was drawn to him is that he reminds her of me back when we met. Then we both cried and held each other and talked about how we missed each other and reminisced about how great our life was before and wondered if we could ever get that back.

She did say that at that moment was the first time she had felt something for me in many years. (i know)

Of course, I told her that what she did to me was so wrong on so many levels. I told her about trust being totally broken and that if I could ever forgive her I'd have to first really hate her for a really long time. I asked how she could possibly bring so much risk and upheaval into our house and family.

She expressed guilt and shame and was crying mess mostly over how much she knew she hurt me.

I will say that this was the first time since she checked out that she has ever seemed open to reconciliation. We both agreed that we let the marriage go on autopilot for a long time even when we saw it heading for the cliff. I told her that we need to step away from the marriage for a while, get our heads straight, learn some skills, and then rebuild our relationship from the ground up. Find a new happy. She said that scared her but was open to the idea.

Later in the day I told her that I needed one thing from her to make things better. She knew that I was going to tell her to cut off contact with OP. She freaked out a bit. Asked if she could say goodbye. I said maybe, but I'd have to listen to the conversation to make sure she followed through on it. It's non-negotiable. If she couldn't do this, she could go and be with him. She said that was never the plan and knew that their relationship, at least where could spend time together, had an expiration date.

I said it's either me and her in a relationship or nothing at all. This isn't an open marriage. You either stay here and work on the marriage or go. If we still are unable to work things out then we'll go our separate ways.

In the 2 plus years that she checked out we never really worked specifically on the marriage. I just played damage control and attempted to repair what I thought was broken and pretty much lost myself in that process.

I know that I cannot believe a single word she says. I know this. She's done so much back-pedaling it's very difficult to decipher what is real and what's not. I at least know that everything regarding him could be a bold-face lie. And that anything she says to me regarding our relationship could be a lie to have her cake and eat it too.

I'm going to insist upon total transparency or nothing at all. For the first time I have the power in the relationship and she knows it, and I intend to lead us through this towards reconciliation. If we can't make it work then at least I know I did everything I could.

I know you're all thinking how could I put up with so much bulls***. I believe there's something that can be saved here and so much to lose if we just gave up. That sounds really corny, I know. But that's where I'm at now.

Wounded as hell, but still here.
So exactly what "scintilla of truth" that escaped her quivering lips and "broken heart" now makes this whole situation reversible and repairable?

Those crocodile tears and heartfelt apologies of hers are only as good until whenever the "next time" comes rolling around!

She absolutely seems to be playing you for a blue haze fool!

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post #80 of 204 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 11:42 AM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

Rule #1: Never ever reveal your source of information.

Rule #2: See Rule #1.


I bet you'll feel a lot better when you get a divorce from her. Hey, I fought for my marriage for many years after xw gave up. I so desperately wanted back the girl I'd married and the marriage I thought I'd once had. Life is fine after divorce. Much less stress! Imperfect, yes. But gone is the craziness and emotional distress.
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post #81 of 204 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 03:45 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

So kind of a side note. We went to an impromptu MC last night. Her idea, not mine. Kind of re-hashed everything about our marriage. She got real defensive when she saw that me and the MC were on the same page and kind of teaming up on her.

He pointed out that she's going through a mid-life crisis and couldn't understand her need to want to leave. Blah, blah, blah. Same old s***. I was pretty much expecting that she was going to reveal a further aspect of her EA or that we'd end up spinning our wheels about our marriage/her wanting to be independent. It was the latter for sure.

Later, after we left and were sitting in the car to leave, I told her that I was really coming to terms with the marriage going under. I was ready for the divorce and kind of relieved to let go of the whole thing. She went quiet and acted scared. We then commenced to talk for another 2 hours in the parking lot about everything. The good times, the bad times. What we did wrong, encouraged each other for things we did right. No animosity whatsoever. Holding hands. Just really open communication. It was really weird. Maybe this is normal. She did say just before we went to bed that she felt like her walls were totally gone for the first time in forever. She even commented that tonight was really great. Later she asked if it had something to do with that we have both come to terms with letting go and not having the pressure of making the marriage work. I said most likely.

Even the next morning, she wanted to keep the conversation going but we had to get ready to take the kids to work.

She's agreed to 6 more MCs and IC and attending a women's group.

Either way, I'm starting to think ahead to what life apart will be like.

Last edited by squid1035; 02-22-2017 at 03:59 PM.
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post #82 of 204 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 04:17 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

Oh boy, 3 years? Well, we know the hysterical bonding is in full swing right now.

This is always interesting to me when it appears. The Betrayed at some point always subtly agrees with the wayward. So, she checked out and you did damage control. Explain to me how that is "we didn't work on the marriage." No, you are utterly wrong. Even damage control is working on the marriage. I am not saying you are perfect, but you can't repair a MARRIAGE if only one person is trying. Yes, even if the help is only damage control and repairing what is wrong. She let you run around, in the dark, trying to fix something with no input from her. No, there is no we in this scenario, it is just "me" in this instance.
Blaming yourself is only going to let her do the same thing again. No, right now, she is in fight or flight mode. You have no power at all.
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post #83 of 204 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 04:38 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

Squid, unless you really let go and start detaching (180 no contact) you'll continue to be in limbo.
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post #84 of 204 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 04:40 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

MC should have been 3 years ago...

You both rug-swept your marriage to death. On top of that... an EA and likely PA.

The MC and IC is a good - last ditch effort to see if anything is worth saving.

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post #85 of 204 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 05:41 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

I would file for divorce. I would show her your serious about her stepping back into the marriage 100% or her just leaving. I would bet the reason she is not showing you real remorse is because she is wondering what life will be like with the OM. I would let her go figure that out.

Never stay with a cheater. Who cares if they had sex or not. The moment she went to meet with him she showed you that you were no longer number one in her life. She backs that up with the way she has talked to you. I would file and start 180.

C

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post #86 of 204 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 06:37 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

She's probably happy that she's managed to make it through to the other side of this w/o her PA coming to light.

Image intact, yay!

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #87 of 204 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 03:53 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

My friend she is using you because she needs someone who is going to pay for her school and the house she is living in.

Every time you start conversation with your wife she goes back. She talks about history and your past. She refuses to talk about real problems and that is Matt.

Sure you had problems,I saw your old threads but she cant blame you for those. Even now when you want to talk about her Affair she blames you.

She wanted to travel with this guy or whatever. She went to dates with him,lied to you and your kids about it. You havent touched her in 3 years,didnt even see her naked. .

Stop destroying your life and life of your kids. Trust me they can see your pain. You dont want them to live life like you do,right ?

Stay strong.
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post #88 of 204 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 04:16 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

Well this took a weird turn. Proceeding with caution. Stand by.
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post #89 of 204 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 04:18 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

Ruh roh.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #90 of 204 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 05:01 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

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Well this took a weird turn. Proceeding with caution. Stand by.
Uh oh, another shape-shifting lizard person from the secret antarctic nazi base?


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Your marriage reminds me of a guy dragging a dead whale across the beach.
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