Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship? - Page 8 - Talk About Marriage
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post #106 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 10:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

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Did she admit the PA or did you find out on your own?
admitted

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post #107 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 10:40 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

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Changes nothing. Makes one wonder how many more PA she's had in the last 3 years! Poly would be an absolute must before I would consider reconciliation.
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post #108 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 11:05 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

Hi Squid. I think you have done very well considering everything. It sounds like she is growing as an individual, but not as a partner. I would recommend going to counselling as a couple either with someone who is trained in emotion focused couples therapy or possibly the satir approach as they both will assist in the identification of emotions and roles in relationships.

Kudos for being open and honest with her. I agree with you that her desire to hide things is a red flag (taking you at your word you are not typically a jealous type).

I agree with her ability and right to have friendships outside of work with her colleagues.

It comes to this imo. Do you trust her? This is not the question where "yes, but" or "i think so" cuts it be honest with yourself. If you do trust her, then keep the lines of communication open, and try dating her again. Ask her out on dates. Woo her. Reconnect that ways. If your answer is no, then you have three options. Live the facade of happy marriage as you are now. Pursue separate lives. Or can trust and the relationship be rebuilt? There is always a possibility for relationships and trust to be rebuilt. But both parties have to be 100_ committed to doing that.

I wish you the best of luck. Remember; relationships are not always sunshine and unicorns. Working hard on your relationship is admirable and honourable and an excwllent trait and quality to model for your children. However, if only ONE of you is working on the relationship, it wont get very far fast. I would propose to her that she either reinvest in the relationship, even in a new form where she can not lose herself again or she needs to be honest with herself and you, and respectful towards you and declare that she is unable and/or unwilling to put the work and effort into your marriage.

I hope ibwas able to help somewhat.

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post #109 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 11:08 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

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Originally Posted by zoodles_13 View Post
Hi Squid. I think you have done very well considering everything. It sounds like she is growing as an individual, but not as a partner. I would recommend going to counselling as a couple either with someone who is trained in emotion focused couples therapy or possibly the satir approach as they both will assist in the identification of emotions and roles in relationships.

Kudos for being open and honest with her. I agree with you that her desire to hide things is a red flag (taking you at your word you are not typically a jealous type).

I agree with her ability and right to have friendships outside of work with her colleagues.

It comes to this imo. Do you trust her? This is not the question where "yes, but" or "i think so" cuts it be honest with yourself. If you do trust her, then keep the lines of communication open, and try dating her again. Ask her out on dates. Woo her. Reconnect that ways. If your answer is no, then you have three options. Live the facade of happy marriage as you are now. Pursue separate lives. Or can trust and the relationship be rebuilt? There is always a possibility for relationships and trust to be rebuilt. But both parties have to be 100_ committed to doing that.

I wish you the best of luck. Remember; relationships are not always sunshine and unicorns. Working hard on your relationship is admirable and honourable and an excwllent trait and quality to model for your children. However, if only ONE of you is working on the relationship, it wont get very far fast. I would propose to her that she either reinvest in the relationship, even in a new form where she can not lose herself again or she needs to be honest with herself and you, and respectful towards you and declare that she is unable and/or unwilling to put the work and effort into your marriage.

I hope ibwas able to help somewhat.
Keep reading.

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Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #110 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-24-2017, 12:21 AM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

Quote:
Originally Posted by zoodles_13 View Post
Hi Squid. I think you have done very well considering everything. It sounds like she is growing as an individual, but not as a partner. I would recommend going to counselling as a couple either with someone who is trained in emotion focused couples therapy or possibly the satir approach as they both will assist in the identification of emotions and roles in relationships.

Kudos for being open and honest with her. I agree with you that her desire to hide things is a red flag (taking you at your word you are not typically a jealous type).

I agree with her ability and right to have friendships outside of work with her colleagues.

It comes to this imo. Do you trust her? This is not the question where "yes, but" or "i think so" cuts it be honest with yourself. If you do trust her, then keep the lines of communication open, and try dating her again. Ask her out on dates. Woo her. Reconnect that ways. If your answer is no, then you have three options. Live the facade of happy marriage as you are now. Pursue separate lives. Or can trust and the relationship be rebuilt? There is always a possibility for relationships and trust to be rebuilt. But both parties have to be 100_ committed to doing that.

I wish you the best of luck. Remember; relationships are not always sunshine and unicorns. Working hard on your relationship is admirable and honourable and an excwllent trait and quality to model for your children. However, if only ONE of you is working on the relationship, it wont get very far fast. I would propose to her that she either reinvest in the relationship, even in a new form where she can not lose herself again or she needs to be honest with herself and you, and respectful towards you and declare that she is unable and/or unwilling to put the work and effort into your marriage.

I hope ibwas able to help somewhat.

Sent from my SM-G920W8 using Tapatalk
um, well in case you missed it she's been getting **** therapy from a friend at work.

I don't know about Squid but you've helped me tremendously. I haven't laughed this hard in weeks!!!!!

Last edited by Marc878; 02-24-2017 at 12:33 AM.
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post #111 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-24-2017, 04:19 AM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

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Originally Posted by zoodles_13 View Post
Hi Squid. I think you have done very well considering everything. It sounds like she is growing as an individual, but not as a partner. I would recommend going to counselling as a couple either with someone who is trained in emotion focused couples therapy or possibly the satir approach as they both will assist in the identification of emotions and roles in relationships.

Kudos for being open and honest with her. I agree with you that her desire to hide things is a red flag (taking you at your word you are not typically a jealous type).

I agree with her ability and right to have friendships outside of work with her colleagues.

It comes to this imo. Do you trust her? This is not the question where "yes, but" or "i think so" cuts it be honest with yourself. If you do trust her, then keep the lines of communication open, and try dating her again. Ask her out on dates. Woo her. Reconnect that ways. If your answer is no, then you have three options. Live the facade of happy marriage as you are now. Pursue separate lives. Or can trust and the relationship be rebuilt? There is always a possibility for relationships and trust to be rebuilt. But both parties have to be 100_ committed to doing that.

I wish you the best of luck. Remember; relationships are not always sunshine and unicorns. Working hard on your relationship is admirable and honourable and an excwllent trait and quality to model for your children. However, if only ONE of you is working on the relationship, it wont get very far fast. I would propose to her that she either reinvest in the relationship, even in a new form where she can not lose herself again or she needs to be honest with herself and you, and respectful towards you and declare that she is unable and/or unwilling to put the work and effort into your marriage.

I hope ibwas able to help somewhat.

Sent from my SM-G920W8 using Tapatalk



I'm hoping you read a different thread and posted here in error. Otherwise.....
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post #112 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-24-2017, 04:27 AM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

It's pure damage control.

She knows without you she'd be up Schmidt's Creek without a paddle. Especially if her only other prospect is Mr. Van Down by the River.

Do not make any rash or hasty decisions.

Go get STD tested and insist she does, too.

Live in reality - your wife has just taken a royal poo on your marriage. You don't reward her with hugs and hands holding!

Or, are you codependent?

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post #113 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-24-2017, 07:36 AM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

Make her write a timeline of everything, and I mean everything, that happened between them. Let her know, up front, you will do your best to verify the truth and any absences to the timeline you uncover will have a massive affect on the situation. Be sure to let her know that by doing this, does not guarantee anything, and any efforts to protect you from the truth that are uncovered later will be worse for you than her current betrayal.

The worst thing you could have happen going forward is finding something new. Take this opportunity to rip the band-aid. Finding something new after all of this will reset your clock to zero and you'll have to start the process all over again.
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post #114 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-24-2017, 07:53 AM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

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Originally Posted by Marc878 View Post
She's in panic mode to regain her Plan B so she won't be high and dry.

Better get STD tests. Unless she cut you off for her boyfriend.
She was banking on her boyfriend committing to her. When he was leaving town she was holding out hope that he would stay for her. He's not.

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post #115 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-24-2017, 08:42 AM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

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She was banking on her boyfriend committing to her. When he was leaving town she was holding out hope that he would stay for her. He's not.
This....Do not give her an answer. Tell her you need time to think about things.

Because you do.

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post #116 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-24-2017, 08:47 AM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

Squid I think its worse than the others are saying.

She knew this guy was not a sure bet (he lived in a van for Christ's sake!) but ****ed him anyway. She needed you to be the constant safe bet in her life while she got her kicks from guys like him. What this means is that she wanted you around while she continued to find guys like him. Which would suggest that she was planning to do this many more times and have you as her safety net. Which in turn would suggest that she has probably done this in the past.

That is why a poly is a must.

Now, as to why she came clean about this is because you kind of discovered it and made life tough for her. So she didn't admit it - you discovered it. Else she would have moved on to hobo #2 and so on.

Be very careful here. You need to know that she is not that into you.

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No matter how hopeless, no matter how far
To fight for the right, without question or pause
To be willing to march into Hell, for a Heavenly cause
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post #117 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-24-2017, 08:49 AM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

What details has she given you so far ? How long ? How many times ? What did they do actually ? Has he been in your house ? Have they done anything that she hasn't done for you ? Did they profess love ? Did she talk about you to him ? The chances are you will not get all of these details but that is going to be the hurdle you will need to over come (and there will be others too) to even think about R.

This is my quest, to follow that star
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far
To fight for the right, without question or pause
To be willing to march into Hell, for a Heavenly cause
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post #118 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-24-2017, 09:14 AM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

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Originally Posted by Marc878 View Post
um, well in case you missed it she's been getting **** therapy from a friend at work.

I don't know about Squid but you've helped me tremendously. I haven't laughed this hard in weeks!!!!!
I'm thinking that @zoodles_13 was replying to OP's initial post.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #119 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-24-2017, 09:16 AM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

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Originally Posted by manfromlamancha View Post
What details has she given you so far ? How long ?
I'll save everyone some time here...

It's been going on just over 3 years, and probably not with just this OM.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #120 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-24-2017, 09:18 AM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

It sounds to me like she feels she is giving you a gift in offering this R. I'd like to hear more about how this conversation came about and what was said. Is she remorseful or just "matter of fact" about this?

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