Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship? - Page 9 - Talk About Marriage
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post #121 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-24-2017, 09:26 AM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

@squid1035, you should probably limit your responses to her from here on out to nothing more than...

"Noted."




Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #122 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-24-2017, 09:38 AM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

Squid, you need time to regroup right now.

If her screwing van guy is a deal breaker for you, then go ahead and file for divorce. There's nothing wrong or rash with making that decision.

But, if you're unsure what you want to do, or if you think you'd like to try to reconcile, don't make any promises or decisions. Don't have sex with her! In some places it is considered by the court to be forgiveness for her cheating if you have sex with her after finding out about the affair. And, in some places it can make a difference in a divorce. It may not where you live, but do some research before you jump in bed with her. Also, just as importantly, sex can totally cloud your judgement. Hoovering is a term used sometimes to describe how a woman will use sex and affection to derail a man's will to end the relationship. Many couples engage in hysterical bonding, which is having sex like crazy. And, quite importantly, she could get pregnant if you have sex.

Eat healthy, get exercise, cut out the booze, cigs, and sugary junk food.

You should consult with an attorney asap. Most will give a free 15 to 30 minute consultation where you can find out how things generally work where you live. You need this information.
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post #123 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 10:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

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Originally Posted by TX-SC View Post
It sounds to me like she feels she is giving you a gift in offering this R. I'd like to hear more about how this conversation came about and what was said. Is she remorseful or just "matter of fact" about this?

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She's seemed very remorseful. She was reluctant to give details but after fully explaining why I felt I needed to know, she gave a completely detailed timeline as to how the relationship unfolded. She was brutally honest and revealing...much to my discomfort. But I appreciate how transparent she is. I don't expect anyone here to understand why I want to try and and reconcile. And honestly I don't care. The person that I knew before she checked out (compared to the ghost of a person that's been present for the last 3 years) is clearly back in every way. Yes, I have a crapload of doubt and suspicion. And I made that abundantly clear to her. Every action and response is being placed under the highest scrutiny. Compared to how she was just a week ago...she's been nearly unashamedly open. It's clear that she'd rather not disclose information, but she does so because she understands it's what I need.

And the effort it takes to forgive and try and move forward is superhuman. Any emotion that I feel, I immediately tell her and try to process. Same with her.

Everybody here can eat a bag of d***s for all I care. No, we haven't simply reverted back to a happy normal life. We're both extremely nervous. Like at an moment this whole thing can come crashing down. We're trying to invest and fully respect the process of rebuilding. "No shortcuts" she said. At this point, only time will tell.
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post #124 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 10:30 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

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Originally Posted by squid1035 View Post
She's seemed very remorseful. She was reluctant to give details but after fully explaining why I felt I needed to know, she gave a completely detailed timeline as to how the relationship unfolded. She was brutally honest and revealing...much to my discomfort. But I appreciate how transparent she is. I don't expect anyone here to understand why I want to try and and reconcile. And honestly I don't care. The person that I knew before she checked out (compared to the ghost of a person that's been present for the last 3 years) is clearly back in every way. Yes, I have a crapload of doubt and suspicion. And I made that abundantly clear to her. Every action and response is being placed under the highest scrutiny. Compared to how she was just a week ago...she's been nearly unashamedly open. It's clear that she'd rather not disclose information, but she does so because she understands it's what I need.

And the effort it takes to forgive and try and move forward is superhuman. Any emotion that I feel, I immediately tell her and try to process. Same with her.

Everybody here can eat a bag of d***s for all I care. No, we haven't simply reverted back to a happy normal life. We're both extremely nervous. Like at an moment this whole thing can come crashing down. We're trying to invest and fully respect the process of rebuilding. "No shortcuts" she said. At this point, only time will tell.
That's a good start. If she is showing remorse and being truthful, you have a shot at fixing this. As you said, it does come down to trust right now. That will be the hard part. Well, that and the mind movies. But, it does sound like your marriage hasn't been good for the last few years, so perhaps that part won't be as bad.

Not sure if that last part about "eating a bag of dicks" was pointed at me, but if you read any of my posts, I generally am pro-R if the WS is remorseful and puts in the necessary effort. I do wish you luck. Just be wary of false R or other indescretions down the line. Perhaps you can even build a better marriage now?

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post #125 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 10:37 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

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Originally Posted by TX-SC View Post

Not sure if that last part about "eating a bag of dicks" was pointed at me, but if you read any of my posts, I generally am pro-R if the WS is remorseful and puts in the necessary effort. I do wish you luck. Just be wary of false R or other indescretions down the line. Perhaps you can even build a better marriage now?

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Not pointed at you at all. You've been one of very few commenters that seem to believe that R is possible. It's very difficult. And I express that to her and she tries to accommodate me in any away that she can. She understands that the burden of rebuilding trust lies solely on her. And she's making all the effort to meet those expectations.

That's got to mean something.
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post #126 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 10:37 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

Your unsubstantiated aggression toward everyone here that pressed you to push, Push, PUSH through the obvious lies (to say nothing of the very real prospect of perpetual limbo) aside, I wish you luck.

Still, I doubt you'll succeed in your endeavor to reconcile, and you certainly won't if you allow yourself to continue as the doormat that you've been for the past three years.

Either way, keep those floor mats and seat covers at the ready.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #127 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 10:46 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

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Originally Posted by squid1035 View Post
Not pointed at you at all. You've been one of very few commenters that seem to believe that R is possible. It's very difficult. And I express that to her and she tries to accommodate me in any away that she can. She understands that the burden of rebuilding trust lies solely on her. And she's making all the effort to meet those expectations.

That's got to mean something.
Unless she's confessed to cheating for the past three years, not really.

Also, when's the last time the two of you had sex? (Together, I mean.)

You're not going to be able to reconcile w/o it.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #128 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-26-2017, 03:17 AM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

I have not read your previous threads which I will do so shortly. My intial impression is in many ways your WW recent actions seem coached or you have been so mired in trying to save the marriage you might not fully understand the terms. So, for example what is a timeline to you?

Now being coached may indicate continuing deception or she took the advise I give WS when discussing weither they should confess. I tell them to prepare for what is to come. They need to Understand how TT is at this is point more destructive then the adultery. Know what triggers are, understand they are for life for the BS. That the BS may trigger over something completely unrelated to the subject at hand. Begin developing coping strategies, that the response get over it, it happened years ago is exactly the wrong thing to say. Accept they have re-written much of the marriage and blame shifted and gaslighted. Work with a therapist to deconstruct the myth they created. These actions have caused grave harm to not only the BS but chldren and friends. Seek ways to heal them. I only post this on Way Wards threads I get a clear sense of remorse.

Which brings up the question of regret vs remorse. Remorse starts with empathy and grows from that point.

Finally from a christian point of view the effort to help others seek forgiveness is very strong. But first comes revelation, repentance, redemption then forgiveness. There is one aspect missing, healing the victim. The victim is told to just let it go, not to think about it to forgive and forget. This attitude allows behavior that should have stopped decades ago to continue, creating victim after victim. Look at how the Cathoic Church sheitered priest that should have been sent to monasteries or deflocked. They got so caught up in saving the sinner and saving face some priests victimized hundreds of victims. I see much of the judicial system doing the same in the secular world too.

So I would tread lightly with your IC. The victim must be healed first. Marriage is not a suicide pact or a call for martyrdom. I will post more after reading your other threads.

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #129 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-26-2017, 03:41 AM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

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Originally Posted by squid1035 View Post
She's seemed very remorseful. She was reluctant to give details but after fully explaining why I felt I needed to know, she gave a completely detailed timeline as to how the relationship unfolded. She was brutally honest and revealing...much to my discomfort. But I appreciate how transparent she is. I don't expect anyone here to understand why I want to try and and reconcile. And honestly I don't care. The person that I knew before she checked out (compared to the ghost of a person that's been present for the last 3 years) is clearly back in every way. Yes, I have a crapload of doubt and suspicion. And I made that abundantly clear to her. Every action and response is being placed under the highest scrutiny. Compared to how she was just a week ago...she's been nearly unashamedly open. It's clear that she'd rather not disclose information, but she does so because she understands it's what I need.

And the effort it takes to forgive and try and move forward is superhuman. Any emotion that I feel, I immediately tell her and try to process. Same with her.

Everybody here can eat a bag of d***s for all I care. No, we haven't simply reverted back to a happy normal life. We're both extremely nervous. Like at an moment this whole thing can come crashing down. We're trying to invest and fully respect the process of rebuilding. "No shortcuts" she said. At this point, only time will tell.
Typical betrayed behavior. Mad at the world for any speculation that what you're seeing is regret of losing her meal ticket instead of remourse for what she's done.

Seen this many times but I hope it works out for you.
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post #130 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-26-2017, 04:07 AM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

You might want to read river rats threads http://talkaboutmarriage.com/search....rchid=70247514. He has several read them in order. Along the way he had planned on suicide on several occasions. Your postings have some echoes in tone with his. Towards the end he discovered the adultery and never said anying leading to BC (Betrayed child issues).


How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #131 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-26-2017, 06:07 AM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

So as per my last post, what were the details she provided ? How long ? How many times ? Where and when ? Did she do anything with him that she hasn't with you ? Protection worn ? In your house ever ? etc etc

This is my quest, to follow that star
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far
To fight for the right, without question or pause
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post #132 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-26-2017, 06:17 AM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

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So as per my last post, what were the details she provided ? How long ? How many times ? Where and when ? Did she do anything with him that she hasn't with you ? Protection worn ? In your house ever ? etc etc

These are good questions, but likely won't get asked because he's too busy rug sweeping.

Where would one find a bag of dicks? Grocery store? Health food store? Specialty shop? Farmer's market?
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post #133 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-26-2017, 08:41 AM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

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You call this a marriage? Seriously? She checked out a long time ago. Go find your man card. No sex in years? What's wrong with you? Do you not have any self confidence? Go find a woman that wants your d!ck every night. They are out there. You aren't getting any younger. Don't wait 7 years until the youngest turns 18. That's what she's doing, I guarantee it.

You need to be mad. Not just about the EA, but the fact that you let your POS wife walk over you. You are a doormat. You are a poor role model for your kids to show them what a successful and healthy relationship is. They are thinking your relationship is normal and will have an everlasting negative affect on them.

Please wake up. Let your sham of a marriage go. Sorry for being so blunt. But you are in serious denial or think you'll never find another woman again. Go find a new therapist, preferably a man. I'm curious.. are you seeing a Christian therapist that is anti-divorce?
I wish I could like this post 100 times!

OP, you've done more efforts than her to try R in this marriage, instead she should've done the biggest amount of effort.
As a woman, personally, I wouldn't have any respect left for my BH if he let me get away with little effort (supposing I was the cheater). I would think that no matter what I did, he'd still forgive me thus I'd keep on doing what I wanted to do until realizing I had no other choice.

The woman's mind wants to think that her H is strong and has personality. I can't be sexually attracted to a man who hasn't got a certain attitude to make me look up to him.

She found in OM what she didn't find in you. Probably you lost your self along the way in marriage or you never had it in the first place. It can't be described in words, but from your posts it screams you were desperate for R even at the cost of looking like a doormat in your woman's eyes.

I hope this works out for you, but as a woman myself, (without justifying her) I can see why your wife kept on being emotionally/physically detached from you.

Davelli0331: If a GNO, or alcohol, or an attractive coworker, or a past flame on FB were all that were needed for someone to cheat, then I think that person had that defect in their integrity all along. All they ever lacked was the opportunity to act on their lack of integrity and the circumstances required to rationalize it to themselves.
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post #134 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-26-2017, 08:50 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

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Everybody here can eat a bag of d***s for all I care.
"Everybody here " is not who you should be worried about "eating a bag of dicks". Comments like that turn the advice spigot right off. Not like it sounds like you'd listen to any of it anyway. Good luck and hope it all works out for you.
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post #135 of 173 (permalink) Old 02-26-2017, 09:16 PM
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Re: Possible EA or just me being paranoid about a platonic friendship?

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She's seemed very remorseful. She was reluctant to give details but after fully explaining why I felt I needed to know, she gave a completely detailed timeline as to how the relationship unfolded. She was brutally honest and revealing...much to my discomfort. But I appreciate how transparent she is. I don't expect anyone here to understand why I want to try and and reconcile. And honestly I don't care. The person that I knew before she checked out (compared to the ghost of a person that's been present for the last 3 years) is clearly back in every way. Yes, I have a crapload of doubt and suspicion. And I made that abundantly clear to her. Every action and response is being placed under the highest scrutiny. Compared to how she was just a week ago...she's been nearly unashamedly open. It's clear that she'd rather not disclose information, but she does so because she understands it's what I need.

And the effort it takes to forgive and try and move forward is superhuman. Any emotion that I feel, I immediately tell her and try to process. Same with her.

Everybody here can eat a bag of d***s for all I care. No, we haven't simply reverted back to a happy normal life. We're both extremely nervous. Like at an moment this whole thing can come crashing down. We're trying to invest and fully respect the process of rebuilding. "No shortcuts" she said. At this point, only time will tell.
Really doesn't take much for you does it. Then again you did live in a broken marriage for 3 years. If this is the life you want go for it. She will probably do it to you again.

Get back to us when your emotions catch up to reality.

It's interesting though that when you tell her you are ready to D, she decided to want to rekindle the relationship, oh and her boytoy is leaving. But you know that right?

OF COURSE SHE IS OPEN. Your all she has left.

Last edited by sokillme; 02-26-2017 at 09:26 PM.
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