Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Warm in the summer, cold in the winter
Re: Those that stayed, what would you have done in hind sight?
This is a difficult question to answer, as hind sight is 20/20. It would have been great if we could see the future, see if you appear happy or just surviving. Of course this is not reality and after we choose, the work begins. Trying to answer this question is something that will take time and many many words. It would be easy to say, no, I chose correctly, and end your answer. But in my opinion one learns very little from that answer, and I don't think that is why it was asked.
I chose to stay, went in to IC and began to work on myself. We were already in MC and it was very obvious my wife and I needed IC. IC had me realize how much work I needed to do for myself. Working on me was difficult, it's very hard to truly examine yourself and correct your flaws. Discovering how your flaws affected you was also difficult, but addressing them and repairing these flaws changes you. But the hardest part of IC, was being able to set aside what had brought me here, the I did nothing wrong. The betrayed spouse has to put the affair aside to truly reflect on themselves, and for the best possible healing to be healthy.
Looking back now I would have done the above regardless, but I most definitely made many mistakes. I confronted too soon, with too little evidence, I would have been better off being an asshat. I should have hired a PI, sadly I didn't. Instead of just filing the divorce papers with my lawyer, I should have had him file them in the court. I could stop the divorce any time I chose, I got lucky my wife has worked as hard as she has.
I would have also gone on a vacation, just me and the boys. This would have cleared my head, possibly changing much of what I did, but I chose not too. The separation would have been best for all of us, but again hind sight is 20/20. Instead I became cruel to my wife, I had her on the brink of a complete breakdown many times, which ultimately served no good purpose.
So I would have changed some things, but if my wife responded any differently then she had, I would have divorced. Reconciliation wouldn't have been possible, she had to work and go through what she has. This has made her a better person, enough to have earned the gift of reconciliation. And although it's not easy, we are getting better together, we are becoming better people, we are getting to be healthy.
Don't believe everything you hear, and only half of what you see.
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that's why they call it the present.