Those that stayed, what would you have done in hind sight? - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #1 of 31 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 04:01 PM Thread Starter
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Those that stayed, what would you have done in hind sight?

Thought this might help those going through hell on earth to help make a decision. Good or bad, all will help.

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post #2 of 31 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 04:12 PM
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Re: Those that stayed, what would you have done in hind sight?

We all stayed - until we didn't. Can you narrow down the topic a bit?

There are three kinds of business. Your business, my business and God's business. Whose business are you in? -Byron Katie
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post #3 of 31 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 04:25 PM
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Re: Those that stayed, what would you have done in hind sight?

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Originally Posted by ABHale View Post
Thought this might help those going through hell on earth to help make a decision. Good or bad, all will help.
I would have taken a few more weeks to make my decision while she was put out of the house. Better for me to contemplate, better for her to more fully absorb the possible consequences.

I would not have accepted any blame, like I did initially.

I would have been more succinct in stating what my expectations were.

I would have avoided the hysterical bonding until till she had an STD test.

Basically, I should have tested her remorse to the fullest - and I didn't at first. The mistakes I made effect my mind - as regret for not handling things perfectly, more than they have our current relationship. But I try to remind myself that almost every BS makes some mistakes, especially if they decide to R. And that 5 and a half years into R, so far, it looks like I made the right choice - for me.
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post #4 of 31 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 04:38 PM
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Re: Those that stayed, what would you have done in hind sight?

I assume you mean staying in a bad relationship. It always amuses me when people post assuming we know what they are thinking. In another forum I see a lot of sex and romance questions where people do not give their age or gender. I never know if it is a 13 year old virgin girl or a 17 year old guy, asking so I avoid answering.

Assuming you mean a relationships, I left my ex fiancee immediately upon finding out she cheated. I know that people seldom change and their past behavior is a very good indicator of their future behavior. Plus all the people I knew who cheated, kept on cheating even though they promised that they would not. My gut feeling saved the day for me.

My ex fiancee went on to cheat on the guy she cheated on me with. Then she had mental problems, joined a commune where she was passed from person to person stoned out of her mind and drugged on LSD. She got out of there only because the commune broke up. She started seeing angels and talking to them. One told her to do things and she did them. She thought she could see your future through her angels. She had a kid from no one knows who and found a guy who needed a green card to marry. She cheated on him too and finally married a woman who is much older than she is. She called me 47 year later to apologize and told me how lousy her life had been up to the point she married her wife. She went on to tell me how different things might have been had she not been so immature and cheated on me. I told her that sometimes just one thing we do wrong, can dictate the rest of your life. For her it was cheating. For me it was her cheating because had I married her as planned, I would never have met my wonderful wife who I proposed to 3 weeks after we met and are still married 44+ years later.

The second girlfriend who cheated on me and that I dumped, went on to a fantastic life of being a crack addicted prostitute. When she cleaned up after serving jail time, she became a stripper and married one of her steady lap dance customers who had some money, but was 11 years older than her. She emailed me once and told me that she was visiting her crack addicted daughter to try to get her to quit drugs. Another decision not to believe a cheating woman saved the day for me.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.

Last edited by Vinnydee; 02-14-2017 at 10:36 PM.
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post #5 of 31 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 05:50 PM
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Re: Those that stayed, what would you have done in hind sight?

Too many bad decisions to list... But here's a few of my 'corrections'

-Get in counseling - both parties - immediately. MC and IC.
-Take the counseling seriously. I ignored the initial requests to work on meditation, thought it was stupid. I didn't start to heal until I began that process in earnest.
-Learn to deal with anger more effectively.
-Take more time for myself.
-Been more forgiving to myself. This goes hand in hand with the meditation, and allows you to begin extending forgiveness to others.
-Thrown out all the alcohol in the house so it can't be used as a crutch
-Research things before flying off the handle. Get solid proof or solid 'lack of proof' first.
-Stay off internet marriage boards

badmemory is right. All BS make mistakes. This was my first time dealing with this issue, so mistakes were expected. That's where the self forgiveness is key.
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post #6 of 31 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 07:43 PM
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I would have filed for divorce when I caught him in the act the second time. I would have gone dark for a week. And then let him figure out how to get me back.
However, I was a Basket case and didn't do any of this.
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post #7 of 31 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 07:53 PM
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Re: Those that stayed, what would you have done in hind sight?

A lady I know who stayed with her husband after discovering his years long affair stayed with him, but gradually sank into depression and eventually killed herself. So so sad. I wish she had left.
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post #8 of 31 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 08:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Those that stayed, what would you have done in hind sight?

No, any example of the things that worked or didn't.

Good R or bad R.

Anything that might help someone make a decision in their situation.

Why things worked.

Why they didn't.

If the WS actions during R helped or not.
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post #9 of 31 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 06:14 AM
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Re: Those that stayed, what would you have done in hind sight?

1. I should have left 18 years ago when he cheated the first time, i might have saved myself many years of misery
2. Got counselling instead of trying to handle everything myself
3. joined Al-Anon and made the kids join when they were younger, though those facilities were not available in the countries we lived in
4. Not given up my career to support his career
5. Told my family about the hell he was putting me through, they were in another country. I told his mum, she helped but still covered things up for the most part esp his drinking and behaviour

Last edited by aine; 02-15-2017 at 06:19 AM.
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post #10 of 31 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 08:17 AM
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Re: Those that stayed, what would you have done in hind sight?

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I would have avoided the hysterical bonding until till she had an STD test.
Yep, me too. In retrospect, that was dumb. She initially swore AP had used a condoms... Righttttt? In the end there had been 3 AP, years off and on cheating, and not the first thought of any kind of birth control.

Talk about rolling the dice?


I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living or get busy dying... Andy, Shawshank Redemption.
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post #11 of 31 (permalink) Old 02-24-2017, 03:19 PM
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Re: Those that stayed, what would you have done in hind sight?

I would not have gone to MC right after the discovery. That was a huge mistake. Massive setback and therapy assisted blameshifting.

I would have filed for D instead. Even if I stopped it later, I wish I would have filed.
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post #12 of 31 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 04:55 AM
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Re: Those that stayed, what would you have done in hind sight?

I would have cut back on my drinking alcohol and not had a revenge affair.


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post #13 of 31 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 11:35 AM
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Re: Those that stayed, what would you have done in hind sight?

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Originally Posted by MovingFrwrd View Post
Too many bad decisions to list... But here's a few of my 'corrections'

-Get in counseling - both parties - immediately. MC and IC.
-Take the counseling seriously. I ignored the initial requests to work on meditation, thought it was stupid. I didn't start to heal until I began that process in earnest.
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I would not have gone to MC right after the discovery. That was a huge mistake. Massive setback and therapy assisted blameshifting.

I would have filed for D instead. Even if I stopped it later, I wish I would have filed.
You two seems to have different views regarding MC, so I guess it depends on situation. Can each of you put more details/reasons? Thanks
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post #14 of 31 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 03:50 PM
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Re: Those that stayed, what would you have done in hind sight?

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You two seems to have different views regarding MC, so I guess it depends on situation. Can each of you put more details/reasons? Thanks

I can only suggest it in hindsight to my situation. I'm working at R now, and in my situation probably should have worked harder at MC and IC. I didn't take it as seriously as I should, for some reason my emotions were all jumbled and I was filled with anger, hate, confusion, to name a few. My first IC counselor was a joke now that I reflect on it. She was a nurse practitioner who specialized in behavioral therapy, and had the standard book responses with very little direction of how to truly help. I finally found a good guy local to me, out of insurance network, and have been seeing him regularly.

Our MC counselor I thought was very good, but I took the mindset that I was a good husband who didn't deserve this, and my wife had to atone. As you go through R, you realize how toxic that mindset is to recovery. Heck, how toxic it is for any marriage (regardless of adultery) if either spouse had that mindset towards the other.

Counseling is only a guide to help yourself. You've got to do all the heavy lifting, but it helps to have someone be empathetic and understand your situation.
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post #15 of 31 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 05:20 PM
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Re: Those that stayed, what would you have done in hind sight?

I think MovingFrwrd thread is a must read for anyone asking your question. It is long, but if you read it, then read twice more you will e a wiser person.

I think RiverRat threads are a must read. Wish I knew him personally. Worth reading them multiple times.

I think Drifting On threads and posts are worth reading multiple times.

Two of these posters reconciled, one divorced. They all have one thing in common: the journey not the outcome sometimes is the important point.

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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