Not....again.... - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #1 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 10:48 PM Thread Starter
F82
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Not....again....

So, I apologize in advance for what I am sure is the 5,000th post regarding infidelity, but here goes. Thank you in advance for any input you all are able to provide. I have been sleuthing here in one form or another for a few years and have learned much; thus i trust the input of this community. So again, thank you in advance. I mean that.

Well, I'm going to keep this as fact based as possible and I will address any questions from there. My wife of 12 years, together 16, have had a fairly idyllic relationship. About 3 years ago, she decided that being a mother was not enough (no issues with that) and decided to pursue a career in the personal training industry. Fast forward to the latter half of 2016, and I'll bring us up to speed on our current situation.

I was working in law enforcement for the past decade. Recently retired, I have been enjoying retirement and, quite frankly, the fruits of a prosperous family. I say this not to be a d!ck or imprudent but to help show that finances are not an issue of concern. Hell, I'm adopted- if anyone understands how lucky they are (from a financial point of view) its me. I became a cop not out of necessity but because I wanted to serve the community. Anyway, I digress.

Let's fast forward to oh....August 2016. A new gym manager, also an ex cop, comes on the scene. Immediately, and I mean immediately, the hair on the back of my neck rises. I don't trust this guy- I worked with his type during my career. Ultimate alpha male in the sense that he will bang anything with a pulse. I didn't', and still do not, have any proof of this but if any of you know a cop, or an ex cop, can explain this feeling to them and they will know EXACTLY what I am talking about.

I mention to my wife that I have a weird vibe from this guy- I can't explain it but I just feel something is not right. So, after grabbing her phone and running a full LE diagnostic on it I determine that yes, she had been texting this guy from the gym. Not telling me about it, deleting the texts, etc. I confront and she says " I enjoyed the attention etc, I didn't know how to respond, etc.". Keep in mind I am a cop, so my proclivity for bull**** is at a minimum at all times. How she doesn't think I'll pick up on this after dealing with hundreds, if not thousands of domestic incidents, is beyond me but I digress. I ask if she had deleted any inappropriate text from this yahoo, and of course, she responds in the negative. I tell her I have grabbed all the texts from her phone and she then tells me that she thinks he has been flirtatious but she's handled it etc. I tell her ok (I'm really not ok but I'm a trained investigator- if you're gonna hang yourself with your own rope I can't help but watch) I'm glad she's got it under control.

Fast forward to......well, tonight. I have a sinking feeling that something is going on. Longer hours at work with no noticeable bump in income, buried in her phone- like all day when she's home. Changes password on her phone as well, I find this out because I go to use her phone and she tries to get it out of my hands first, until I realize the code she used no longer works. At this point she tells me that she changed the code because she doesn't want our 7 year old to be privy to inappropriate text messages. However, and again I fall back on my training in and general intelligence as a functional , observant human to realize that she didn't tell me about this until it as absolutely necessary. Red flag raised mentally, but I don't say anything....because now I've gone in to full investigative mode.

The week keeps staying busy, with her having longer hours at work- working nights when she didn't before, etc. Also, I start noticing changes in our bedroom activities., I will spare the details but I will say that anyone who is in tune with their partner knows when a new move or postilion turn up.
Enough said.

So, I decide to let a few months pass- she's due for a new phone for Xmas, etc. She gets the new phone but doesn't deactivate, or delete for that matter, the old Iphone. So I am able to see that EVERY SINGLE CONVERSATION she had with this ass hat, has been deleted. Every. Single. One. Now, keep in mind, I had already addressed this very issue months prior; and here we are, with her being secretive on the cell phone, hiding access, etc., and oh by the way there are innumerable Facebook messages I have yet to go through. I am assuming I am not crazy thinking something has happened....If I can provide any more details I will. I value the support and intelligence of this community and am open to any suggestions on next actions. Thanks in advance for reading yet another crappy story.

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post #2 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 10:56 PM
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Re: Not....again....

Let's see if we can speed things up a bit for you...

1. Google "Wondershare Dr. Fone".

2. Does she back her phone up to a Mac or PC at home?

3. Does she have an iPad or Mac associated w/ the Apple iTunes/iCloud account that she uses on her phone?

4. What kind of phone do you use? If you use an iPhone as well, are your texts to her blue or green?

5. Are you able to get your hands on the phone bill?

6. Any chance she's using an app like WhatsApp or Snapchat to talk w/ this guy?

7. Do you have the username (it will be an email address) and password associated w/ her iCloud account?

8. Do you have the password to the email account associated w/ her iCloud account?

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #3 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 10:56 PM
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Re: Not....again....

If it looks like a Duck. Just read through one of the 12 or something other active threads by men with assh*le wives at this point. You gonna get the same advice. Bottom line sneaky people like your wife are not worth the time and energy.
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post #4 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 10:59 PM
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Re: Not....again....

If you have the old phone you can recover the deleted texts
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post #5 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 11:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not....again....

Quote:
Originally Posted by GusPolinski View Post
Let's see if we can speed things up a bit for you...

1. Google "Wondershare Dr. Fone".

2. Does she back her phone up to a Mac or PC at home?

3. Does she have an iPad or Mac associated w/ the Apple iTunes/iCloud account that she uses on her phone?

4. What kind of phone do you use? If you use an iPhone as well, are your texts to her blue or green?

5. Are you able to get your hands on the phone bill?

6. Any chance she's using an app like WhatsApp or Snapchat to talk w/ this guy?

7. Do you have the username (it will be an email address) and password associated w/ her iCloud account?

8. Do you have the password to the email account associated w/ her iCloud account?
Thanks for the reply, Gus. Here goes:

I am familiar with that program, and I plan to use it on her old phone tonight. She currently has an Iphone 7, but I have her old Iphone 5. She recently changed the Itunes password (again, in her words to protect our 7 year old from innapropite texts).

I use an Iphone 6s plus. Luckily, since my name is the one on the phone bill, I have ATT providing me with a full, detailed call and message log associated with her number- I should have a hard copy tomorrow, hopefully. I do have her email address for her AppleId, however, she has changed it recently, and I am unsure what it is. I can most likely guesstimate her email password, if necessary. She has WhatsApp and Snapchat on her phone, but I don't think they are synced to her current new phone.
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post #6 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 11:13 PM Thread Starter
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post #7 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 11:31 PM
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Re: Not....again....

Regardless of what you can recover, just tell her you have backed up her phone and you are going to look through all her deleted texts. May save you a lot of time and her lying.
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post #8 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 11:34 PM
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Re: Not....again....

If you have ATT, why not just look online at the detailed call/texts?
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post #9 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 11:57 PM
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Re: Not....again....

I just keep repeating myself and here I go again. Once a wife learns that you are afraid to get divorced, she becomes emboldened. She knows that you are her safety net and has no incentive to stop cheating. What she will do though is to get better at hiding her cheating. She no longer has the same fear that she had the first time she cheated. She knows you rather forgive than divorce. Once a cheater, always a cheater is an expression that came into being not because it sounds good, but because it is true most of the time. That has also been my personal experience. It is your marriage to handle as you wish but I read so many posts by guys desperate to avoid what will eventually happen. You can tell by what they write that they are grasping at any straws that do not lead to divorce. Some cheating women are good at getting their husbands to feel like they were the reason they cheated. Many times the clues are so obvious to the rest of us that we wonder why the husband (or wife) did not get suspicious much sooner.

I think your post reads like a man who knows what will happen but is looking for a reason not to end it. Good luck.

The grass isn't always greener on the other side. The grass is greener where you water it.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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post #10 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 12:47 AM
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Re: Not....again....

If you knew several months ago that she was lying, why did you let it go on?

I'm trying to understand if you're waiting to gather evidence,and for what reason if so.

Would gathering evidence serve you at this point? Are you aiming to go for reconciliation if you get enough evidence? If so, that's your choice, but she's got no remorse in her now. What makes you think a full blown confrontation will make her remorse genuine?

If you're aiming to gather evidence to shame her to family /friends, my advice would be to redirect your energy into leaving her so you can get on with your happiness.



If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you.

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post #11 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 06:36 AM
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Re: Not....again....

In all of these months with this going on. Why have you not gone by her work to see what happens when she leaves?
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post #12 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 08:36 AM
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Re: Not....again....

I'm writing this as a wayward spouse. Believe me. Something that is not right is going on here. This is definitely and Emotional Affair, and possibly a Physical one. All the signs are there. You need to make some decisions. It sounds to me like she is not going to just come clean. I think you should step up the investigation. I don't where you get them or how much they cost, but i would put a recorder in her car so you could here her conversations. Sounds awful I know, but she is treating you worse than that. I am hoping you find out that we are wrong, but i don't think we are. take care.
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post #13 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 09:00 AM
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Re: Not....again....

Quote:
Originally Posted by ABHale View Post
In all of these months with this going on. Why have you not gone by her work to see what happens when she leaves?
I recommend he simply use a dog tracking device like Whistle. I have a redbone coon hound that wants to escape and explore once and awhile and I can track her within five feet of where she by map on a cell phone. Its like $50 bucks for the device and $10 a month service.
Personally, if you have a chick that wants other guys in her pants and willing to slip off and get it, what good is it to catch her red handed and get her to say she's not going to do it anymore. I thought they promised that when they married you. Old F82 admitted he has the bucks to keep her in pretty good live style. Can you blame her for wanting to keep him around for support.

If you don't embody controversy, what you say will become just another part of the media driven culture of stifling thought and debate about issues.
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post #14 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 09:04 AM
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Re: Not....again....

is the evidence so far pointing to EA or PA?
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post #15 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 09:21 AM
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Cool Re: Not....again....

It simply cannot be said enough: One's "gut instincts" are a preeminent gift from God! From your apt description, I'd say that you're being had! A projected EA is probably just the tip of the iceberg! The evidence that you will ultimately find, almost always, will prove far, far worse than you ever anticipated!

@F82 ~ while being in the midst of your investigatory mode, and provided that you haven't already done so, please start up an immediate dialogue with a good, "piranha" family attorney to advise you of your marital property rights and to set you up to literally kick her covert skankiness to the curb!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html

Last edited by arbitrator; 02-15-2017 at 09:28 AM. Reason: Edification
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