WW Posted on Another Site. Not Sure How to Proceed - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 83 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 03:17 PM
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Re: WW Posted on Another Site. Not Sure How to Proceed

I'd say you need to get off the fence.

After 18 years and a revenge affair of your own, and apparently still having lingering resentment for her A; it's about time you made a decision. Either commit to your marriage 100% or leave.

And by committing, I mean forgiving her and doing your best to meet her needs. At least she seems to be trying to repair the marriage from her end. (I'd recommend that you both read "His Needs, Her Needs" by Harley).

But as unfair as it might seem to divorce her so long after her A, it would be more unfair to waste more years of her life with a resentful husband who's just waiting to leave when it's more convenient.


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post #17 of 83 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 03:18 PM
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Re: WW Posted on Another Site. Not Sure How to Proceed

What a history man!

There is only 1 guarantee and its that no one can tell the future and you cannot control another human. Could you be wasting even more time in your life by staying, maybe yes maybe no. There is no way to know that.

You've kind of started it but you may benefit from the classic pros and cons list. Unfortunately this isnt a math equation with right or wrong answers. Its all grey man. The only constant is you and the answer is your happiness!

Just don't leave your kids.
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post #18 of 83 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 03:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: WW Posted on Another Site. Not Sure How to Proceed

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Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
I'm having a hard time understanding how it's ok for you to throw her affair in her face when you cheated too.

I can understand revenge affairs but the problem is that you lose your moral high ground. If you're going to engage in one it should really be an ok now we're even type thing.

I get that she had hers first, but would you not me throwing it in her face if it had been a ONS like yours?

If you're going to continue to stew over it when you had your own then yes, you are wasting your time.
There is a difference between a 6mo A and a drunken ONS stand in response to it.

I disagree with you on the moral high ground. I did not draw first blood here. I did not rationalize some B.S. reasons to cheat. I felt emasculated, hurt, ashamed, embarrassed, angry, confused, and taken advantage of and I made a choice I thought would help me and simultaneously give her a taste of her own medicine. This was in direct response to her actions. It didn't turn out so well for me either. I had gut wrenching guilt about it and it damn sure didn't make me feel better about the situation. I don't think it hurt her as much as her A hurt me either. It didn't level the scales of justice at all.
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post #19 of 83 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 03:27 PM Thread Starter
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Re: WW Posted on Another Site. Not Sure How to Proceed

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When would you say things started to take a positive turn? How many years ago?
2.5 years ago or so
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post #20 of 83 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 03:30 PM
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Re: WW Posted on Another Site. Not Sure How to Proceed

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2.5 years ago or so
Eh... nowhere near enough positive to put up w/ all that crap.

I mean... what's the point? What's the takeaway? Hang in there long enough and you might *eventually* have a decent spouse and marriage...?

No thanks.

I'd bail.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #21 of 83 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 03:36 PM Thread Starter
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Re: WW Posted on Another Site. Not Sure How to Proceed

Threelittlestars, I hear what you're saying. It's hard to end an almost 24yr marriage. The whole sunk cost thing screws with me. I know I won't have some of the positive things that I have with my WW in a new relationship. I know I won't have a bunch of the negative stuff either.

I know I need to commit or leave. It's easier said than done. I don't know where to start on connecting with her. Maybe it's a simple change in mindset. I don't know where to start.
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post #22 of 83 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 03:37 PM
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Re: WW Posted on Another Site. Not Sure How to Proceed

I read her story on SI a coupe of days ago. I thought she sounded...conveniently remorseful. In other words, I wasn't sure I believed her.

You are actually confirming her story, and her level of remorse.

I think both of you sound very honest and humble about this whole thing. Those are two necessary things for reconciliation.

Are you in a position where your heart is guarded? I would think so given the way you are testing her.

We don't test someone unless we want them to pass. That means somewhere you want to R.

So, what will it take, because she sounds like she is doing all the right things.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley

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post #23 of 83 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 03:42 PM
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Re: WW Posted on Another Site. Not Sure How to Proceed

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Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
I read her story on SI a coupe of days ago. I thought she sounded...conveniently remorseful. In other words, I wasn't sure I believed her.

You are actually confirming her story.

I think both of you sound very honest and humble about this whole thing. Those are two necessary things for reconciliation.

Are you in a position where your heart is guarded? I would think so given the way you are testing her.

We don't test someone unless we want them to pass. That means somewhere you want to R.

So, what will it take, because she sounds like she is doing all the right things.
I'll disagree w/ this.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #24 of 83 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 03:44 PM
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Re: WW Posted on Another Site. Not Sure How to Proceed

I see by your first post here last year that you said you were in R for a long time. From what I've read of both of your stories it seems you never made a true attempt at R at all. You made a decision to hold on for the kids to get older and it doesn't appear that you made that clear from the start. Your heart wasn't completely in it and I would assume,to a point,that your wife picked up on it over the years. So maybe that's why she wasn't putting in her best effort as well.

It seems that the amount of effort that she has put in over the last few years is the thing that is making you question the decision that you made years ago. I'm just wondering where your marriage would be right now if you had both put in a real effort for all those years... maybe,neither of you would be in need of these forums right now.

Try a real reconciliation or divorce,but try not to waste too many more years with you both being unhappy. Good luck.

"Truth is like the sun,you can shut it out for a time,but it ain't going away"-Elvis
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post #25 of 83 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 03:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: WW Posted on Another Site. Not Sure How to Proceed

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Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
I read her story on SI a coupe of days ago. I thought she sounded...conveniently remorseful. In other words, I wasn't sure I believed her.

You are actually confirming her story.

I think both of you sound very honest and humble about this whole thing. Those are two necessary things for reconciliation.

Are you in a position where your heart is guarded? I would think so given the way you are testing her.

We don't test someone unless we want them to pass. That means somewhere you want to R.

So, what will it take, because she sounds like she is doing all the right things.
I must admit, I was shocked at how she presented our story. She left out my misdeeds completely in her post. She didn't look for the "well that SOB cheated too" sympathy. The "old" her would have overstated my junk and understated hers.

I am absolutely guarding my heart. It terrifies me to think about opening myself up to her. R is a lot to consider. I coped with this by always thinking divorce was the answer. It was a no brainer when she was self centered, selfish, and blaming me. Now she is different. Now I have to come to terms with other aspects of the betrayal that I put off by punishing her and divorcing her when the time was right. I don't know where to start down the path of R. I really can't see myself doing MC ever again. I feel completely conflicted about the whole damn thing.

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post #26 of 83 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 04:00 PM
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Re: WW Posted on Another Site. Not Sure How to Proceed

Would you say that your wife really is a different person now, or just better at faking it? Honestly, given the amount of water under the bridge, it might be impossible for you to ever love her again. But, if she is genuinely a different person now, genuinely remorseful, etc. I might try to restart and rekindle the romance. You've been through a lot here. Don't underestimate what she has done. Physical and emotional abuse, cheating, lying, blameshifting, etc., any ONE of which could destroy a marriage. Only you can say if you have it in you to try again. There is no right answer, only what you feel is right for you.

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post #27 of 83 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 04:06 PM Thread Starter
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Re: WW Posted on Another Site. Not Sure How to Proceed

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I see by your first post here last year that you said you were in R for a long time. From what I've read of both of your stories it seems you never made a true attempt at R at all. You made a decision to hold on for the kids to get older and it doesn't appear that you made that clear from the start. Your heart wasn't completely in it and I would assume,to a point,that your wife picked up on it over the years. So maybe that's why she wasn't putting in her best effort as well.

It seems that the amount of effort that she has put in over the last few years is the thing that is making you question the decision that you made years ago. I'm just wondering where your marriage would be right now if you had both put in a real effort for all those years... maybe,neither of you would be in need of these forums right now.

Try a real reconciliation or divorce,but try not to waste too many more years with you both being unhappy. Good luck.
That is 100% true.

In retrospect, I don't think we made a true attempt at R either. I feel certain my wife did not pick up on my thoughts about leaving all these years. She was in her own little bubble. She thought I didn't divorce her so we were good. She rationalized away the rages and other issues we were having too. She was unaware of the EAs until recently too. She totally avoided any discussion about the A.
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post #28 of 83 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 04:18 PM
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Re: WW Posted on Another Site. Not Sure How to Proceed

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Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
I'm having a hard time understanding how it's ok for you to throw her affair in her face when you cheated too.

I can understand revenge affairs but the problem is that you lose your moral high ground. If you're going to engage in one it should really be an ok now we're even type thing.

I get that she had hers first, but would you not me throwing it in her face if it had been a ONS like yours?

If you're going to continue to stew over it when you had your own then yes, you are wasting your time.
I don't think he is stewing over the affair.

His point is that the affairs broke the bond that tied them together. He just stayed for the sake of the kids and now that the nest is empty he is ready to leave.

One problem, his wife has actually fallen in love with him and doing anything she can to keep him. This has confused the heck out of him.
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post #29 of 83 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 04:19 PM
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Re: WW Posted on Another Site. Not Sure How to Proceed

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Originally Posted by fleek View Post
There is a difference between a 6mo A and a drunken ONS stand in response to it.

I disagree with you on the moral high ground. I did not draw first blood here. I did not rationalize some B.S. reasons to cheat.
Yes, there is a difference. But you would be in a much better position to expect her to do the heaving lifting, if you didn't "rationalize" that a revenge affair would be the right response. So you did lose some moral high ground; just not all of it.
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post #30 of 83 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 04:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: WW Posted on Another Site. Not Sure How to Proceed

TX-SC, I doubted the changes too. I thought it was love bombing or hoovering. My mentioning D was what spawned this whole mess. I thought she was manipulating me and trying to engineer the outcome she wanted which was for us to stay married.

I lean the other way now. It's hard to explain but her demeanor is different. She approaches life situations differently. She has empathy now. She has taken a horrendous amount of verbal and emotional brow beating from me and not thrown any back my way. She beats herself up for what's she's done. She constantly apologizes. She's riddled with guilt and shame. You can see it in her eyes. I don't think she has it in her to fake all the changes she's made. Who knows, she fooled me once before...

Believe me, I don't underestimate what she has done. I've born the brunt of the consequences of her choices. MC probably could have fixed what was wrong in our marriage before she cheated. I loved her very much. Now, two families have been destroyed. Generations of lives, some yet to come, impacted by one woman's stupid choice to cheat. Untold amounts of mental energy, time, money, sleepless nights, and heartache for a bit of flattery and a few sexual encounters, the bulk of which were in a truck. The whole thing is absolutely asinine. Nobody involved escaped consequences in this tale of woe.
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