There is a difference between a 6mo A and a drunken ONS stand in response to it.
I disagree with you on the moral high ground. I did not draw first blood here. I did not rationalize some B.S. reasons to cheat. I felt emasculated, hurt, ashamed, embarrassed, angry, confused, and taken advantage of and I made a choice I thought would help me and simultaneously give her a taste of her own medicine. This was in direct response to her actions. It didn't turn out so well for me either. I had gut wrenching guilt about it and it damn sure didn't make me feel better about the situation. I don't think it hurt her as much as her A hurt me either. It didn't level the scales of justice at all.
Yes she did. But if you're going to use that as a justification why not have a bunch more ONS's? I mean, she drew first blood so now there's no standards of behavior for you, right?
As I said, I totally understand why you had one, I just think you gave up some moral high ground.
And to be honest I get a general tone from you of nothing is really your fault. Sure you admit that you aren't perfect but pretty much everything you've done has been in response to things she's done.
So she caused everything, you're at fault for nothing. How's that attitude going to work for you even if you move on to someone new? Probably not well.
So she went to birthday parties while you went to school? I get that you were working hard.....I've worked full time, gone to school, and raised kids at the same time (and my degree is in STEM-physics) so I understand what that's like. But you don't seem to have any real appreciation for the fact that your wife was raising three little kids essentially alone. Was it really that big of a deal that she wasn't doing laundry as often as you wanted? That was what you wanted to fight about? She was raising them alone and she certainly didn't have your company. Not your fault.....you were working and going to school, but did it ever occur to you that this was how she coped?
Did you get nasty with her when she didn't perform household tasks that you thought she should? When she says you were mean to her what exactly does that mean?
I'm trying to get a feel for the dynamics of the entire marriage. I think too often on TAM when there's an affair involved it tends to eclipse everything and the betrayed spouse is elevated to sainthood (I forget who here said that but someone did). That's not to say she dealt with things well because clearly she did not, and you had every right to lay down boundaries for moving forward and to dump her if you felt like you needed to. But you chose to stay.
And I don't sense any real ability to introspect from you, only anger at the evils that have been heaped upon you throughout your entire marriage. Yes her 6 month affair was lousy and you were rightfully angry about that, but it seems to me that you have a general angry victim mentality as it relates to all parts of your marriage.
It would be one thing if you had a balanced view of the whole marriage and were only angry about her affair.....that I could understand. But your anger permeates the entire marriage and you seem to think you're the only who who sacrificed and contributed.
If you can't get beyond this then do both of you a favor and end this.