WW Posted on Another Site. Not Sure How to Proceed - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
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post #76 of 83 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 07:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: WW Posted on Another Site. Not Sure How to Proceed

I've become well acquainted with the thought of divorce. I don't have any fear about leaving. I am not afraid of being without her at all My ducks are all lined up. There was a time around the A I could not have left without major life consequences for myself. That's not the case today. I think about starting a new life constantly. I'm financially secure, career is great, and I know the world is full of women. She's not the only fish in the sea. The choice was a no-brainer before she began this journey of self-introspection and changed a lot of her faulty thought processes.

Now the issue is complicated and maybe it shouldn't be.

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post #77 of 83 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 02:34 AM
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Re: WW Posted on Another Site. Not Sure How to Proceed

I read a very similar thread a while ago by a WW. Was that the tread you mentioned? It was on SI.

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #78 of 83 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 02:22 PM
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Re: WW Posted on Another Site. Not Sure How to Proceed

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Originally Posted by fleek View Post
I've become well acquainted with the thought of divorce. I don't have any fear about leaving. I am not afraid of being without her at all My ducks are all lined up. There was a time around the A I could not have left without major life consequences for myself. That's not the case today. I think about starting a new life constantly. I'm financially secure, career is great, and I know the world is full of women. She's not the only fish in the sea. The choice was a no-brainer before she began this journey of self-introspection and changed a lot of her faulty thought processes.

Now the issue is complicated and maybe it shouldn't be.
But you probably still have some lingering bad habits and hang-ups which can cause you future problems. You will take a lot of baggage from this marriage into the next relationship. Get into I.C. and work on ditching the baggage and developing some personal boundaries when it comes to relationships.
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post #79 of 83 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 03:50 PM
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Re: WW Posted on Another Site. Not Sure How to Proceed

Greetings @fleek, I was going to compose a long and especially eloquent post (I have been reading your thread for a while now), but in the interests of getting you an introduction ASAP to the private club...

Quote:
Myth #3. Affairs prove that love has gone from the marriage.

The reasons for affairs are rich and varied. Most of the reasons have to do with the ego state of the person having the affair rather than the person against whom the infidelity is being committed. ...

Even if someone did not love the spouse, an infidelity would be a rather complicated and indirect way to say so, and an inefficient way to approach the problems in the marriage. The feelings one spouse has for another are complicated from the beginning. The degree of complexity of the emotions in long-standing marriages is staggering. To reduce this complexity to a question as adolescent as the presence or absence of "love" is idiocy of the highest order. That question is best left to the petals of daisies.

Everyone involved... must recognize that marriage abounds in love, hate, lust, disgust, envy, guilt, pity, admiration, dependency, fear, and all other emotions known and unknown.

from Private lies : infidelity and the betrayal of intimacy by Frank Pittman (chapter 2, titled "Some myths about infidelity")
When my husband cheated on me, I took this to mean that he did not love me, even could not love me. Surely cheating requires the absence of love? By definition, infidelity is the antonym of the clear, sweet promise we make to those we love... those we cherish. But, I have begin to realise that it is possible to both passionately love and despise someone. To want them with all my heart and to wish (except that this would unmake my children) that I had never met them. I am not comfortable governing my life with something so illogical, frail and changeable as emotions. But it seems that they are the energy source for all relationships.

Which sucks. (Batteries would be so much better.)

Discuss ... if you'd like.

[Disclaimer - I am an INTP]

I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more. ― C.S. Lewis

FINE PRINT: My post is simply my own opinion (unless indicated otherwise). Which I believe I am entitled to express, as best as I can.

Last edited by Mizzbak; 02-25-2017 at 08:55 PM.
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post #80 of 83 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 11:10 AM Thread Starter
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Re: WW Posted on Another Site. Not Sure How to Proceed

Thanks mizzbak.

I get the complicated feelings associated with a long term relationship. Saying it's complicated is a freaking understatement. Being cheated on sure doesn't make a person feel loved though. It's a blatant disregard actually. The casting aside of a partner that's put themselves out there by taking vows, forgoing others, intertwining finances, having children together, building a future, raising those children, leaning on and being leaned upon. It's willingly risking all of that plus not caring about your spouse's sexual health, personal health if the AP is a bunny boiler, your children's emotional well being, your finances or future plans, all while knowingly emotionally crushing your spouse. Giving them a burden to lug around forever - D or R. All for quickie car sex in parking lots and stupid conversations that amount to work gossip or meaningless platitudes. The risk/reward ratio just isn't there. It's betting it all for what seems to be something temporary and stupid.

The aftermath sucks. It's enduring years of crap afterwards - rages, emotional tirades, thousands of dollars in counselling, lost sleep, loss of security, tons of mental energy applied to "fix" this stupid choice. I am leaning towards D. The amount of people impacted by the dissolution of a long term marriage is shocking. Cheating is just absurdly stupid.
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post #81 of 83 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 11:47 AM
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Re: WW Posted on Another Site. Not Sure How to Proceed

@fleek

I think what you need now, more than anything, is to be able to accept how you feel about the situation and decide how you are going to go forward.

It doesn't have to feel good right now for you to be in control of where you are going. It doesn't have to feel good at all for you to work toward a marriage that you feel good in, or even to work toward a life without your wife.

Look up "Anthony DeMello, Awareness" on youtube. Or buy the ebook called awareness. The audio recordings that the book was written from are on youtube if you don't feel like buying it.

Listen to him, determine how you feel about your situation, accept how you feel about your situation, and then determine what you are going to do.

"The ecologist is continually having to look at the aspects of nature with which he is unfamiliar and perforce must be an amateur for much of his working time.... professionals may carp at omissions, misconstructions, or even downright errors in these pages. perhaps ultimately they may forgive them for the sake of the overall vision that only the amateur, or the ecologist, blithely sets out to experience."G. Evelyn Hutchinson

Last edited by As'laDain; 02-27-2017 at 01:22 PM.
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post #82 of 83 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 06:17 AM
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Re: WW Posted on Another Site. Not Sure How to Proceed

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Originally Posted by fleek View Post
The amount of people impacted by the dissolution of a long term marriage is shocking.
You speak truth @fleek - as much now as then.

I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more. ― C.S. Lewis

FINE PRINT: My post is simply my own opinion (unless indicated otherwise). Which I believe I am entitled to express, as best as I can.
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post #83 of 83 (permalink) Old 05-21-2017, 03:26 PM
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Re: WW Posted on Another Site. Not Sure How to Proceed

I think you are afraid of yourself.

Your wife has become a better person, and you are still stuck in the darkness of resentment and obsessive self-focused justifications.

This isn't a race, you are not falling behind, its an opportunity. Only you can decide if its worth the effort.

Do not buy into ANY of the idealistic relationship portrayals. If true they are outliers, and probably not a possibility for you under ANY circumstances (i.e. marriage or divorce).

Listen relationships are not about altruistic ideals, unconditional love, or romantic notions.

Relationships are about trading needs, they are performance based, and are preeminently conditional (religious conditioning not-withstanding).

But the character of you partner is the single greatest determiner of success and happiness.

The question on "why" she is doing it from a "her needs (i.e. self-interest)", perspective is less important than the "character, and, maturity" she brings to the table today.

Do not confound the two!

(btw there is nothing wrong with self-interest, it's basic human wiring.)

Be objective, how good can it be (with who she is today) if you match her speed and effort, and the two of you run the race as partners? Ask and resolve that question within yourself, and proceed accordingly.

I wish you well.

Take care.

Last edited by Decorum; 05-21-2017 at 03:30 PM.
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