W and I have have been together for 9 years, married for 3, we're both 29 and have no kids. I always thought we were happy and we had a strong connection, though in hindsight I guess we were pretty conflict avoidant. A few months ago she started having an EA with a coworker. I didn't know what an EA was at the time but I knew something was off about their relationship and our growing distance. I confronted her and she said they kissed and that she wanted to have an open relationship. I did everything wrong: begging, pleading, showering with affection and flowers. We went through a hyperbonding stage but she never stopped hanging out with OM and at the time I didn't know that this was a must. We started fighting about it and after a couple months she moved out with her parents giving me the ILYBNIL and "I need space" but agreed to do counseling which went nowhere really. When she came back I found out she had basically been cozying up to him the entire time.
All this time I was obsessing over how to get her to stop the EA and work with me to improve and deepen our relationship. She came back home and communication got way better, I started focusing on validating and not convincing. We are now able to have a deep conversation and we both take equal blame for the deterioration of the marriage. A couple weeks after she came back, though, EA turned PA when I caught them in my car undressed. Now I don't know if I want to continue working on R. She seems remorseful but I can't tell if it's genuine, just remorse over getting caught, or if she's trying to manipulate me (cake eating?). I am definitely getting trickle truths, finding out that one kiss was actually four, and I have a strong suspicion that PA happened while she was away at her parents'. She still wants to get her own place and claims she just wants to be alone but I think this has more to do with being available for OM because she hasn't made any solid commitment to NC or me for that matter. She also expresses difficulty in doing this so she's definitely ambivalent.
A couple days ago I found some messages on her facebook where she was basically trash talking me and saying she was in the process of moving out to her friends (one of which is OM, the other is some serial cheating b**** cheerleading her out of our marriage), while at home she'll be sweet and apologetic almost expressing interest in R. That was the last straw and now I think I just want to end it. I still love her very much but I have come to the realization that she is a compulsive liar, she has two faces and one of them has no love or respect for me, she doesn't do anything with her life and blames me for her overall unhappiness. I'm just so hurt, shocked, bewildered, and confused, and I can't take the uncertainty. Not only am I coping with her cheating (which I didn't think she would ever be capable of) but I'm also coping with her mind games and the fact that our entire relationship has been one big lie. I used to hold her up on a pedestal and now I don't think I want anything to do with her. If she came to me tomorrow, begging me not to leave her and promising to do whatever it takes to gain my trust back and R then I still would go that route, but I don't think she will.
At this moment I am getting divorce papers together and I think I'm going to move out. I feel bad because I know most of her inability to change her situation is due to extreme social anxiety and I feel bad leaving her to deal with it by herself because I want to support her, but she doesn't want to look to me for that kind of support and she doesn't think of us as a team. I kind of just want to cut my losses and move on with my life but something keeps me from doing it. I talked to her about it and she feels the exact same way. So we're both ambivalent I guess. Man this really sucks. Any thoughts?