So confused - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #1 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 03:03 PM Thread Starter
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So confused

W and I have have been together for 9 years, married for 3, we're both 29 and have no kids. I always thought we were happy and we had a strong connection, though in hindsight I guess we were pretty conflict avoidant. A few months ago she started having an EA with a coworker. I didn't know what an EA was at the time but I knew something was off about their relationship and our growing distance. I confronted her and she said they kissed and that she wanted to have an open relationship. I did everything wrong: begging, pleading, showering with affection and flowers. We went through a hyperbonding stage but she never stopped hanging out with OM and at the time I didn't know that this was a must. We started fighting about it and after a couple months she moved out with her parents giving me the ILYBNIL and "I need space" but agreed to do counseling which went nowhere really. When she came back I found out she had basically been cozying up to him the entire time.

All this time I was obsessing over how to get her to stop the EA and work with me to improve and deepen our relationship. She came back home and communication got way better, I started focusing on validating and not convincing. We are now able to have a deep conversation and we both take equal blame for the deterioration of the marriage. A couple weeks after she came back, though, EA turned PA when I caught them in my car undressed. Now I don't know if I want to continue working on R. She seems remorseful but I can't tell if it's genuine, just remorse over getting caught, or if she's trying to manipulate me (cake eating?). I am definitely getting trickle truths, finding out that one kiss was actually four, and I have a strong suspicion that PA happened while she was away at her parents'. She still wants to get her own place and claims she just wants to be alone but I think this has more to do with being available for OM because she hasn't made any solid commitment to NC or me for that matter. She also expresses difficulty in doing this so she's definitely ambivalent.

A couple days ago I found some messages on her facebook where she was basically trash talking me and saying she was in the process of moving out to her friends (one of which is OM, the other is some serial cheating b**** cheerleading her out of our marriage), while at home she'll be sweet and apologetic almost expressing interest in R. That was the last straw and now I think I just want to end it. I still love her very much but I have come to the realization that she is a compulsive liar, she has two faces and one of them has no love or respect for me, she doesn't do anything with her life and blames me for her overall unhappiness. I'm just so hurt, shocked, bewildered, and confused, and I can't take the uncertainty. Not only am I coping with her cheating (which I didn't think she would ever be capable of) but I'm also coping with her mind games and the fact that our entire relationship has been one big lie. I used to hold her up on a pedestal and now I don't think I want anything to do with her. If she came to me tomorrow, begging me not to leave her and promising to do whatever it takes to gain my trust back and R then I still would go that route, but I don't think she will.

At this moment I am getting divorce papers together and I think I'm going to move out. I feel bad because I know most of her inability to change her situation is due to extreme social anxiety and I feel bad leaving her to deal with it by herself because I want to support her, but she doesn't want to look to me for that kind of support and she doesn't think of us as a team. I kind of just want to cut my losses and move on with my life but something keeps me from doing it. I talked to her about it and she feels the exact same way. So we're both ambivalent I guess. Man this really sucks. Any thoughts?

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post #2 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 03:25 PM
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Re: So confused

Your path is easy... let her go.

There is nothing left but hurt for you with her.
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post #3 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 03:27 PM
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Re: So confused

File for divorce ASAP.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #4 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 03:28 PM
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Re: So confused

DO NOT MOVE OUT. Kick HER a$$ out. She's the one who deserves it, not you!!!!

Also get STD tested.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Our R
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post #5 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 03:28 PM
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Re: So confused

Dude - I could have written this 4 years ago. I stayed.

no kids RUN and DO NOT LOOK BACK!

You deserve better and will get better. She fired you - you have no reason to feel bad. Think she was feeling bad about "kissing" him? (BTW i can guarantee you they didn't "just kiss") dont buy that crap! (such a classic cheater line)

Get your anger my man. There should be anger - find it - tell her to F Off the next time shes sweet then 180 her hard.
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post #6 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 03:45 PM
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Re: So confused

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Originally Posted by stewart66 View Post
I kind of just want to cut my losses and move on with my life but something keeps me from doing it.
And that's exactly what you should do. That "something" that keeps you from doing it is normal fear of divorce. But you must respect yourself. Your wife broke her marriage vows and is not even trying to pretend she is remorseful.

It's good that you have two things going for you. You are young and you have no kids. Think what is would be like if you had 10 years more invested in the marriage with children to account for. To me, this a no-brainer. That doesn't make it hurt any less - I understand.

Lawyer up, formulate your exit plan and have her served with D papers. Expose her to friends and family so she doesn't re-write your marital history and make you the bad guy. If the POSOM has a wife or SO, expose him to her.

Then put her in your rear view mirror and get on with the next phase of your life.
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post #7 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 04:02 PM
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Re: So confused

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Originally Posted by stewart66 View Post
She still wants to get her own place and claims she just wants to be alone but I think this has more to do with being available for OM
Yes, off course that's what she's doing. Having sex with him while she sees you as a plan B back up. Straight out of the Cheater's handbook.
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post #8 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 04:05 PM
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Re: So confused

No kids? Hell, it doesn't matter. You divorce her anyways. But you are lucky my friend... no kids. Well done.

Divorce her, kick her out of the house and back to her parents, and find a new woman that loves you and only you.

Listen up. You need to find your man card. Begging in the early stages and being sad that you're "about" to divorce her? Did you kick the guy's ass when you found them naked in YOUR car or did you run away? Time to be No More Mr. Nice Guy. Go read that book, now. You need to start acting like a man and not a doormat. You should be pissed off. Kicking down doors and taking names. Don't let her back in your house. Notify the OM's girlfriend/wife/employer that he's been banging your wife. Why aren't you mad? You're confused. There is nothing to be confused about. You married a broken person. Learn from your mistake and find a better woman next time. It's really simple.

Last edited by GuyInColorado; 02-15-2017 at 04:10 PM.
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post #9 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 04:09 PM
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Re: So confused

The "her" that you love - she doesn't exist anymore. Maybe she never did.
Someone who cared about you (even a little) would never string you along while she waited to see if her other relationship panned out. She would never disrespect you in every possible way (in your car, the facebook messages, the extreme two-faced behaviour?). I feel sick on your behalf.

Walk away. If she ever extracts herself from the mess that she has made and begs you to take her back?
With no kids to make the waters blurry? Remember then how she is making you feel now.
(Distill it down into an amulet that you wear around your neck for your own protection.)

I am so sorry that you are here.

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.” ― C.S. Lewis

FINE PRINT: My post is simply my own opinion (unless indicated otherwise). Which I believe I am entitled to express, as best as I can.
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post #10 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 10:03 AM Thread Starter
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Re: So confused

Well, I did it. She's out. The day after was pretty painful but this morning I'm feeling surprisingly fine. Don't get me wrong, I still think about her and there is still that foolish glimmer that one of these days she'll come back and we can work things out but now that I have a clear head, I'm starting to see things more rationally.

You guys have definitely helped me out tremendously, especially Mizzbak and GuyInColorado by putting everything in perspective. When I think more about it, I realize that I wanted R and our relationship so bad because she was my first love and I refused to see the negative character attributes. For instance, I took a step back and realized for the first time that she was having an EA with me, that's how we met. She didn't break up with her exBF until two weeks or so into our courtship (once a cheater, always a cheater). She has always been a liar and hidden her true feelings from me while presenting the opposite. She has been extremely *****y and trying to exercise control during this false R. In fact, I think the main reason she came home was so she could continue to use my car for transportation.

I had an epiphany the other night when we were out on a "date". It was going terribly. One of these advice sites had posed me a question, "Take a look at your wife the way she is now, would you want to date this person if you two had just met?". My answer was a resounding NO. Mizzzbak, you are all too right when you say that I married a broken woman. Got my D papers, now I just need to save the money to process them. In the end, I have ridden myself of a toxic person in my life, I have learned some serious lessons on love and relationships, I have a sweet bachelor pad, a comfy bed, two cars, and two great dogs. Plus now I am more driven than ever to realize my career goals and I have a great plan to get them that won't be bogged down by having to consider someone else. The future is bright for me. Thank you everyone!


Last edited by stewart66; 02-19-2017 at 10:08 AM. Reason: forgot stuff
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post #11 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 10:22 AM
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Re: So confused

If you're smart you'll cut off all contact except for text or email about business or divorce. Do not do the "lets be friends" thing.

Friends are honest, trustworthy and loyal. She's not your friend.

Purge everything about her. Pics, mementos, etc. this will help you move on much faster.

You've wasted enough time on this
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post #12 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 10:46 AM
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Re: So confused

Quote:
Originally Posted by stewart66 View Post
Well, I did it. She's out. The day after was pretty painful but this morning I'm feeling surprisingly fine. Don't get me wrong, I still think about her and there is still that foolish glimmer that one of these days she'll come back and we can work things out but now that I have a clear head, I'm starting to see things more rationally.

You guys have definitely helped me out tremendously, especially Mizzbak and GuyInColorado by putting everything in perspective. When I think more about it, I realize that I wanted R and our relationship so bad because she was my first love and I refused to see the negative character attributes. For instance, I took a step back and realized for the first time that she was having an EA with me, that's how we met. She didn't break up with her exBF until two weeks or so into our courtship (once a cheater, always a cheater). She has always been a liar and hidden her true feelings from me while presenting the opposite. She has been extremely *****y and trying to exercise control during this false R. In fact, I think the main reason she came home was so she could continue to use my car for transportation.

I had an epiphany the other night when we were out on a "date". It was going terribly. One of these advice sites had posed me a question, "Take a look at your wife the way she is now, would you want to date this person if you two had just met?". My answer was a resounding NO. Mizzzbak, you are all too right when you say that I married a broken woman. Got my D papers, now I just need to save the money to process them. In the end, I have ridden myself of a toxic person in my life, I have learned some serious lessons on love and relationships, I have a sweet bachelor pad, a comfy bed, two cars, and two great dogs. Plus now I am more driven than ever to realize my career goals and I have a great plan to get them that won't be bogged down by having to consider someone else. The future is bright for me. Thank you everyone!

Keep this mindset and you will be fine!
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post #13 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 10:48 AM
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Re: So confused

It's best for you to just let her go without giving it a second thought
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post #14 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 10:25 PM
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Re: So confused

Yep... Run away. File the papers. Let her parents know that you are divorcing because she is cheating and you will be upgrading.

Cut her off ASAP. And glad she has moved out, rather than YOU move out. If you are in an apartment - you can move out when the lease is up. Your emotions will be all over the place, so you may still bounce back from D to R until things settle down. But thank GOD YOU DON'T have kids. Also, do NOT have sex with her again, ever. No "old times sake" or "one last time" or "we're drunk lets bump and grind", etc. Keep any proof of the affair. Text messages, photos, screenshots, recordings... anything in case you may need it for any possible reason.

When you meet your future serious relationship, state that you will not accept infidelity from either person.

You got your divorce papers? Okay, here is what you do:
Get your W2 and/or pay stubs. Maybe bring some bills (lease / car payments / etc).
Go to the courthouse and locate INFO or the LAW Library. The Law Library usually has generic forms you pay a dime for. You are looking for something that states your income is too low to pay for filing fees. You may also need an affidavit stating that too, notarized which the Law Library can do as well. In my country, it was a form that I simply filled out with my info and wrote in my income. They might have checked my taxes, I don't know. But the process took about 20 minutes. With that approval, all my filings were free. When I filed for RO, filed for divorce, filed for motions, filed final orders. Even having the country serve her with the papers from the constable. I paid $0. You can also ask for mediation help if you want and if its required. If she doesn't contest the divorce and there is no alimony - then its a matter of her signing the papers. File it with the court, likely require a hearing with a judge to sign it. May take 30 days to several months depending on your state.

Be done with her.

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
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post #15 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 10:52 PM
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Re: So confused

Good for you. Keep moving on with your life and file for divorce. You can do much better than this cheater.

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"You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind!" Victor Von Frankenstein
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