Got a little trickle truth yesterday as a result of snooping in emails. A meeting
had occurred between them that I didn't know about. It was during
A time that I knew the affair was going on but it still sucks to learn something
new. I explained to her what trickle truth does to my recovery. I don't need to know every little detail but I have asked her about when/where the meetings took place and she left two out. She said she didn't tell me about these because it was a time I thought we were okay and she didn't want to hurt me
anymore. I wasn't hurt. I was mad because she lied....again. I explained when I get the truth I can deal with it, process it
And move forward. She says that's it, that I know everything. We will see I guess. Posted via Mobile Device
I know exactly how you feel. At some point you will exhaust all of your information via snooping into the past and then you will wonder if you really have the full story or not. It's very frustrating because you keep explaining why you need to know everything and how them keeping something from you for whatever reason just makes it worse.
That's what I think to. How can I believe what she's saying now when stuff keeps coming up. The truth eventually comes out so she might as well lay it all out. This better be the last time this happens. Honest answers to straight out clear questions. Is that so hard for them. The thing is these meetings were not even a big deal. The ten months that this was going on is already a write off in my memory's and wasted time in my life so why hide these meetings. They were right in the middle of it all. I'll never understand how WS's think. Posted via Mobile Device
Could be any number of reasons why she keeps these segments to herself...my H is a liar by omission. I find it much much worse than being told the truth right away, and he hasn't even cheated (yet that I know of!). I don't know if they think we can't handle it, or are just too afraid or embarassed by it (the truth) to tell us. Like you, I'm sure, I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop...to find out what ELSE he hasn't been upfront about. The trust is shot. And also like you I've reached the point where there had better be nothing else waiting to come to light. Because I've had it.
You want to understand how DS's think? It's very easy. Think of only yourself. How can you get more pleasure, and avoid any pain. That's it. There you go.... Simple.
you already know her excuse for not telling you is another lie. she didnt lie to save you from hurt, she lied to save herself from the consequences. She will only 'cop' to what you discovery and can prove.
Just wait until all of the crap you have compartmentalized comes floating up to the surface and you dont have the benefit of pushing it down/away with the single minded urgency to 'save/fix'.
When all of those tiny little splinters in your heart from the trickle truths, lies, and deciet start getting infected and that strange rose colored light you've been seeing her in starts to fade...
Now imagine some beautiful, interesting girl smilies a genuine smile at you...
Patience. Waiting. Keen observation. Catch the inconsistencies in the explanations and bring them on in the discussions. I think this should work. They wont come clean in one go, dude. It takes a several sittings and conversations. Have patience.
Just wait until all of the crap you have compartmentalized comes floating up to the surface and you dont have the benefit of pushing it down/away with the single minded urgency to 'save/fix'.
When all of those tiny little splinters in your heart from the trickle truths, lies, and deciet start getting infected and that strange rose colored light you've been seeing her in starts to fade...
Now imagine some beautiful, interesting girl smilies a genuine smile at you...
That's when the test starts.
It is the ongoing lies that finish it. It eats at any love you have left. Then one day you just look up and see them for what they have become to you. You see the contempt.
The trickle-truth sure is a major obstacle in restoring not just a relationship but also your sanity. It wastes everyone's time. Dishonesty is difficult, but trickling the truth multiplies the dishonesty many times over.
On my dday I was told (aside from the provocative and partially nude photos I discovered) they kissed at a bar. Well of course that doesn't explain the hotel bookings, nor explain the emotional part of their ongoing text conversations. I can't believe I was such a doormat that I didn't even demand to see her phone right then, instead I decided to put my trust in her and bury my head in the sand hoping she would choose to do the right thing. From there the truth gradually trickled out that indeed they met at a hotel for sex, what it was like for her, that it was mostly just physical, but once she started with the details its like she enjoyed reliving it by telling me.
She remained doubtful we could fix it but said she would go to counseling and she held the tiniest chance of her getting back into the relationship over my head. Well eventually I smartened up and realized I wasn't getting the truth from her, could see she was still hiding her phone (even after she left the house to stay at a friends house) managed to get a hold of her phone and realized that despite everything she revealed she was still in the midst of affair and it wasn't even the same guy, all this time I was worried about one guy, then to find out it was multiple!
as soon as dday #2 came I let her go right there, took my ring off, and got the name of some lawyers. stopped caring about getting the truth from her, realized I never would, her friends that she confided in all had conflicting stories too. What a pity, what a shame. Can't believe I was feeling like the one who failed so badly.
Trickle truth can be disastrous when hoping to reconcile. Every time you think you have all the facts, you get hit with something else. It erodes any trust you had remaining. Eventually ALL trust fades. There is no marriage without trust.
A cheater is a very self-centered and selfish person. Don't ever belief they are withholding the truth to spare you the pain. They have already caused you the most pain possible by betraying you.
The trickle-truth sure is a major obstacle in restoring not just a relationship but also your sanity. It wastes everyone's time. Dishonesty is difficult, but trickling the truth multiplies the dishonesty many times over.
On my dday I was told (aside from the provocative and partially nude photos I discovered) they kissed at a bar. Well of course that doesn't explain the hotel bookings, nor explain the emotional part of their ongoing text conversations. I can't believe I was such a doormat that I didn't even demand to see her phone right then, instead I decided to put my trust in her and bury my head in the sand hoping she would choose to do the right thing. From there the truth gradually trickled out that indeed they met at a hotel for sex, what it was like for her, that it was mostly just physical, but once she started with the details its like she enjoyed reliving it by telling me.
She remained doubtful we could fix it but said she would go to counseling and she held the tiniest chance of her getting back into the relationship over my head. Well eventually I smartened up and realized I wasn't getting the truth from her, could see she was still hiding her phone (even after she left the house to stay at a friends house) managed to get a hold of her phone and realized that despite everything she revealed she was still in the midst of affair and it wasn't even the same guy, all this time I was worried about one guy, then to find out it was multiple!
as soon as dday #2 came I let her go right there, took my ring off, and got the name of some lawyers. stopped caring about getting the truth from her, realized I never would, her friends that she confided in all had conflicting stories too. What a pity, what a shame. Can't believe I was feeling like the one who failed so badly.
Wow Lon what ended up happening after the divorce did you even get a sincere apolgy or any effort on her part to fix things> she seems like a horrible person
Romeo, never really got a great apology from her, we mostly just text now (coparent) and she occasionally out of the blue will say "sorry for putting you through all this" but she never acknowledged that she made the wrong decision and I don't think she truly sees what she did as wrong, I doubt she ever will (only that the consequences of separating may cause extra hardship on her, but I think the trade-off in her mind far outweighs that). She was way out of the door.
I wouldn't say she is a horrible person, but what happened was horrible and how she treated me sure made me feel horrible. I was just reading a thread where one BS acknowledged his W was a great manipulator, and I am just coming to the realization that mine was also manipulative to a certain degree (and until just today never even considered her capable of that kind of thinking). I don't think she is great at manipulation but I think I was very susceptible to it.
Anyways, I didn't want to hijack this thread... since you ask, divorce is in process, my lawyer should have agreement ready to be served to her any day, though at this time of year I wouldn't mind a delay until after new years. Both myself and my ex seem to be focussed on doing the best job coparenting so it is not all bad.
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Trickle Truth 
