Two months ago, I NEVER would have believed that I would need to solicit advice on such a forum. But, a facebook message from one of my wife’s ex-lovers, which I randomly, inadvertently happened to read, brought my world crashing down around me. My wife and I had been in a committed relationship for two years when the infidelity occurred. I thought everything was fine, and to this day my wife insists that there was nothing I could have done to prevent the cheating. The story is that they had always been friends (they were coworkers at the time), but nothing more. Then one night, as they had done previously, they got together after work with other coworkers for a late-night party (they were restaurant workers, often leaving work at 11:00 or later, and all the workers there were in college or of that age, so such a party was not uncommon.) Both had been drinking quite heavily when the party ended, and just the two of them were left. He started flirting, then kissing her, and she did not refuse his advances. Soon they were in her bed, doing the deed. My wife (then girlfriend) never told me about this until I inadvertently found the facebook message.
Okay, so that was 7 years ago, not really a huge deal now that we’ve been married 5 years and were quite happy. But this is where it gets complicated. We found out she was pregnant that summer. I had never had ANY reason to suspect that the father might be someone other than me, and she never gave me ANY indication that I should worry about that. I was only 21 at the time I found out, but I felt I was quite mature and I definitely wanted to support her and take responsibility for my child. In fact, I had some plans in the back of my mind to propose marriage that summer. At the very least, we both knew that when our college days were over, we would be moving into the next phase of our lives together. So when the baby news came, I was confident that I was ready to commit the rest of my life to this woman and our new family. I was at first a little embarrassed to reveal the news to my friends and family, but by several months into it I was embracing the father role wholeheartedly. I had always known that I wanted children, and had decided somewhere in there that this was the woman with whom I wanted to have those children.
Now, fast forward back to the facebook message. (Keep in mind I was NOT snooping on her – we share a computer and frequently one of us will stay signed into our various social networking and email accounts, with nothing to hide from the other. I opened the message initially thinking it was my own account that was signed in.) Once I opened the message, the reason it caught my attention was that the guy mentioned that my son “bears no resemblance” to the guy, so he wasn’t worried. Needless to say, I was pretty upset over this. I was a virgin when we started dating at the tender age of 19, and though I knew my wife had previous lovers I had never ever imagined that she had slept with anyone else after we started dating. We were pretty much head over heels from the day we met, and while we had some ups and downs as all couples do, we had discussed it and she had assured me that I was the only one since the day we met.
Anyway, after I read the message I took it pretty hard but we kept our communication open and we were dealing with it, I thought, pretty well. I questioned my wife repeatedly on different topics/angles, but I believed her that it was a one-time occurrence in our relationship. I think she felt like once it was out in the open, it was time to completely come clean on every last detail that I wanted to know about. Further, she assured me that I had nothing to be worried about as far as paternity; she swore up and down that it happened several months too early for him to be the father. Problem is, she was really drunk, and has a bad memory for past events anyway. So, I made a list of questions and asked her to call the other guy. I wanted to make sure it was cleared up so we could move on. During the phone call, he first said that he thought the fling occurred in April or May, (my son was conceived in mid-April), but after my wife said that was a problem and she thought it was cold outside at the time, he backtracked and agreed with her. He also was adamant that they had used a condom. Further, I believed that there was no possible way that my wife could have lied to me if there was even a tiny possibility that another man might have fathered the baby she was carrying back then.
Still, I thought that a paternity test would clear things up and help me move on. I have always lamented the fact that my son really doesn’t look much like me – he does look entirely like his mother, though, so I guess I just chalked it up to him being the spitting image of her. But once the infidelity news gave new doubt to the question, I felt like I would always be wondering and just wanted to get the scientific proof to put my mind at ease. My wife eagerly agreed to the test, as she too was confident that it would put to rest any lingering doubt and allow us to move on with our lives.
Well, obviously you know where I’m going with this. We got the results back last night, and unless they completely f***ed up the testing, there is ZERO chance that I am the biological father of this boy. Devastated doesn’t begin to describe how I felt after getting that news. She too was shocked, and now pretty much hates herself for being so manipulative and selfish. I try to comfort her in that regard, but I’m really not in the right emotional state to be very comforting.
Anyway, I now need to assess whether I can really be fully devoted to this family, and if so, how. I also need to mention that we’ve been happily married for 5 years, and have added two more children to our family (both mine, no doubt about it). Even after I found out about the cheating, as we moved on there were MANY moments when I felt so thankful to have her as my wife and life partner. While the issue still stung, I honestly believed that in the long run, after we had dealt with the infidelity, our relationship would benefit from a deeper emotional intimacy and greater appreciation for one another. She has so many redeeming qualities and, though as far from perfect as any other human, she’s as close to “perfect for me” as I would ever hope to find, I think. We really are a perfect fit for each other. But this paternity issue really diminishes my trust in her. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to love her, or she herself, as fully as before. It’s only 24 hours later, but I am really wondering whether we can recover.
I am committed to doing whatever I can to get through this. I love our family, my wife, the life we’ve built together, and the plans we have for the future. I never was the type to seek counseling, but I know that we’ll both need help to work this out. I'm going to give myself 100% to rebuilding this marriage. I guess maybe I answered my own question in stating how committed I am, but I’d really like to know what others think. Can we get past this? Can I love her as strongly as before? Or will I always resent her a little for the way that her selfish decision took away so many options in my life?
If you’ve read this far, THANK YOU! Any comments will be appreciated. Just getting it all out on paper (cpu screen) has helped, but it would really help even more to feel like I have more allies in this and that others have successfully navigated through the turbulent waters I am dealing with now.
Okay, so that was 7 years ago, not really a huge deal now that we’ve been married 5 years and were quite happy. But this is where it gets complicated. We found out she was pregnant that summer. I had never had ANY reason to suspect that the father might be someone other than me, and she never gave me ANY indication that I should worry about that. I was only 21 at the time I found out, but I felt I was quite mature and I definitely wanted to support her and take responsibility for my child. In fact, I had some plans in the back of my mind to propose marriage that summer. At the very least, we both knew that when our college days were over, we would be moving into the next phase of our lives together. So when the baby news came, I was confident that I was ready to commit the rest of my life to this woman and our new family. I was at first a little embarrassed to reveal the news to my friends and family, but by several months into it I was embracing the father role wholeheartedly. I had always known that I wanted children, and had decided somewhere in there that this was the woman with whom I wanted to have those children.
Now, fast forward back to the facebook message. (Keep in mind I was NOT snooping on her – we share a computer and frequently one of us will stay signed into our various social networking and email accounts, with nothing to hide from the other. I opened the message initially thinking it was my own account that was signed in.) Once I opened the message, the reason it caught my attention was that the guy mentioned that my son “bears no resemblance” to the guy, so he wasn’t worried. Needless to say, I was pretty upset over this. I was a virgin when we started dating at the tender age of 19, and though I knew my wife had previous lovers I had never ever imagined that she had slept with anyone else after we started dating. We were pretty much head over heels from the day we met, and while we had some ups and downs as all couples do, we had discussed it and she had assured me that I was the only one since the day we met.
Anyway, after I read the message I took it pretty hard but we kept our communication open and we were dealing with it, I thought, pretty well. I questioned my wife repeatedly on different topics/angles, but I believed her that it was a one-time occurrence in our relationship. I think she felt like once it was out in the open, it was time to completely come clean on every last detail that I wanted to know about. Further, she assured me that I had nothing to be worried about as far as paternity; she swore up and down that it happened several months too early for him to be the father. Problem is, she was really drunk, and has a bad memory for past events anyway. So, I made a list of questions and asked her to call the other guy. I wanted to make sure it was cleared up so we could move on. During the phone call, he first said that he thought the fling occurred in April or May, (my son was conceived in mid-April), but after my wife said that was a problem and she thought it was cold outside at the time, he backtracked and agreed with her. He also was adamant that they had used a condom. Further, I believed that there was no possible way that my wife could have lied to me if there was even a tiny possibility that another man might have fathered the baby she was carrying back then.
Still, I thought that a paternity test would clear things up and help me move on. I have always lamented the fact that my son really doesn’t look much like me – he does look entirely like his mother, though, so I guess I just chalked it up to him being the spitting image of her. But once the infidelity news gave new doubt to the question, I felt like I would always be wondering and just wanted to get the scientific proof to put my mind at ease. My wife eagerly agreed to the test, as she too was confident that it would put to rest any lingering doubt and allow us to move on with our lives.
Well, obviously you know where I’m going with this. We got the results back last night, and unless they completely f***ed up the testing, there is ZERO chance that I am the biological father of this boy. Devastated doesn’t begin to describe how I felt after getting that news. She too was shocked, and now pretty much hates herself for being so manipulative and selfish. I try to comfort her in that regard, but I’m really not in the right emotional state to be very comforting.
Anyway, I now need to assess whether I can really be fully devoted to this family, and if so, how. I also need to mention that we’ve been happily married for 5 years, and have added two more children to our family (both mine, no doubt about it). Even after I found out about the cheating, as we moved on there were MANY moments when I felt so thankful to have her as my wife and life partner. While the issue still stung, I honestly believed that in the long run, after we had dealt with the infidelity, our relationship would benefit from a deeper emotional intimacy and greater appreciation for one another. She has so many redeeming qualities and, though as far from perfect as any other human, she’s as close to “perfect for me” as I would ever hope to find, I think. We really are a perfect fit for each other. But this paternity issue really diminishes my trust in her. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to love her, or she herself, as fully as before. It’s only 24 hours later, but I am really wondering whether we can recover.
I am committed to doing whatever I can to get through this. I love our family, my wife, the life we’ve built together, and the plans we have for the future. I never was the type to seek counseling, but I know that we’ll both need help to work this out. I'm going to give myself 100% to rebuilding this marriage. I guess maybe I answered my own question in stating how committed I am, but I’d really like to know what others think. Can we get past this? Can I love her as strongly as before? Or will I always resent her a little for the way that her selfish decision took away so many options in my life?
If you’ve read this far, THANK YOU! Any comments will be appreciated. Just getting it all out on paper (cpu screen) has helped, but it would really help even more to feel like I have more allies in this and that others have successfully navigated through the turbulent waters I am dealing with now.