Confused - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #1 of 35 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 10:29 AM Thread Starter
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Confused

I'm a married man who had sex with my female friend recently. Never intended anything to happen but we work together , we carpool twice a month about 30 miles to work. I had sex with her in the backseat of my truck, in the store room at work, and I've taken a few minutes at her house also when dropping her off. I can't bear to confess this all to my wife, ever. I would destroy her. I've been married 9 years now. We have two kids, both from this marriage. I am in counseling with my wife but honestly I've just been working the system, I don't think I truly want her but I dont know what else to do at this point. Can't afford divorce or child support so I feel I have to fake and play act everything in this relationship. Although the sex with my wife is good, I can't complain there. This girl from work makes me feel great. She is 4 years younger and has a personality that makes me feel like I have more connection to. I tell her about my marriage problems in the past and she is straight up honest - she tells me that my wife "needs to go". I don't know if I truly am at that point yet. I feel stuck.


Last edited by teddybear990; 02-17-2017 at 06:40 PM.
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post #2 of 35 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 11:14 AM
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Wow. If you feel this way about your wife, you need to go. If child support is an issue - man up. You either make things work with your wife and drop this other woman or move on. Your wife deserves to know about what you are doing. For all we know, she may not want to be with you after knowing this.
Also, you are exposing your wife to life threatening STDs. High risk HPV is one of them. You need to tell her so she can get tested.
There is a lot more to this than just your feelings. You have just opened a huge can of worms.
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post #3 of 35 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 11:17 AM
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Re: Confused

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Originally Posted by teddybear990 View Post
I'm a married man who had sex with my female friend recently. Never intended anything to happen but we work together a couple times a week, we carpool about 30 miles to work. I had sex with her in the backseat of my truck, in the store room at work, and I've taken a few minutes at her house also when dropping her off. I can't bear to confess this all to my wife, ever. I would destroy her. I've been married 9 years now. We have two kids, both from this marriage. I am in counseling with my wife but honestly I've just been working the system, I don't think I truly want her but I dont know what else to do at this point. Can't afford divorce or child support so I feel I have to fake and play act everything in this relationship. Although the sex with my wife is good, I can't complain there. This girl from work makes me feel great. She is 4 years younger and has a personality that makes me feel like I have more connection to. I tell her about my marriage problems in the past and she is straight up honest - she tells me that my wife "needs to go". I don't know if I truly am at that point yet. I feel stuck.
Tell your wife.
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post #4 of 35 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 11:35 AM
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Re: Confused

Dude, of course she makes you feel better and tells you your wife needs to go. Can't afford living without 50% of everything and child support, who can, but you've really already made that decision. Don't know what to do, you need to tell your wife and she'll tell you to get lost. The OW will probably tell you the same, she's probably just out for a thrill. You really made this hard for yourself.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #5 of 35 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 11:39 AM
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Re: Confused

Tell your wife. Tell her now. Do not do this to someone who is actively trying to make your marriage better with counselling and stuff. It's not fair. It's evil. It's disgusting. Don't be a coward.
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post #6 of 35 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 11:44 AM
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Re: Confused

OP your feelings for/relationship with your friend from work aren't any different from every other wayward spouse who cheated with a work buddy. It's the stereotypical workplace affair. Read the Chapter on Intimate Conversation from His Needs, Her Needs. Your story is in there, word for word. Of course you think this woman is perfect, she hasn't had to raise your children and put up with any of your crap and vice versa.

Tell your wife.
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post #7 of 35 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 11:47 AM
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Re: Confused

Further to Keke's post, please also take some time to read through the threads of people who are dealing with infidelity. Feel their hurt and pain and know that this is what you are doing to another human being who loves you. Ya, it's going to destroy her you are right. But read these threads and understand.
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post #8 of 35 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 11:53 AM
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Re: Confused

One life at work is fantasy good times no bills thrills. Another life at home with bills, kids and responsibilities. Of course the OW at work is wonderful with no responsibilities other than finding a place to do what you do.

Tell your W.

You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #9 of 35 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 12:05 PM
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Re: Confused

This is how it's going to play out...

OP will not tell his wife and will continue the affair.

His affair partner will continue to tell him to get rid of his wife.

OP will not get rid of his wife since having his cake and eating it is much easier.

Affair partner will turn into a bunny boilier and drop a dime on OP with his wife.

OP will lose his wife and his "soulmate" when they realize what he is.
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post #10 of 35 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 12:20 PM
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Re: Confused

Be a man, grow up and tell your wife. Cut off all contact with the ow, look for another job and start to be a responsible husband and father. Stop travelling alone in the car together now. Tell her its over.
Yes your wife will be deeply hurt. Yes she may divorce you. Yes you will cause terrible disruption in your children's lives. That's what happens when you lie, cheat and put your own selfish desires first. There are bad consequences. Why anyone would be interested in a women who has no moral values, no integrity and and thinks nothing of having sex with another womans husband I will never know. She will almost certainly cheat on you as well, you do realise that. That's if she isn't now.

I doubt you will do what I have said above, I hope you do though. No marriage should have such deep secrets.

BTW you must get tested for STD's, and if you have had sex with your wife since, she must as well. Please don't have sex with your wife until you know you are clear. A woman who has sex with others womens husbands may well have an STD.They are so common now.


Last edited by Diana7; 02-17-2017 at 01:14 PM.
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post #11 of 35 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 12:37 PM
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Re: Confused

I understand you're probably feeling confused and torn up right now, but you do have to tell your wife. If she were having sex with a man from work, you'd want to know right? Same difference. Then the hard part: you need to tell your work friend that you don't want to see her anymore.

This is going to be a very difficult and confusing time for both of you, so be sure to look after yourself, eat well, read what other people here telling you, and take time everyday to do some soul-searching.

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post #12 of 35 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 12:45 PM
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Re: Confused

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Originally Posted by teddybear990 View Post
I'm a married man who had sex with my female friend recently. Never intended anything to happen but we work together a couple times a week, we carpool about 30 miles to work. I had sex with her in the backseat of my truck, in the store room at work, and I've taken a few minutes at her house also when dropping her off. I can't bear to confess this all to my wife, ever. I would destroy her. I've been married 9 years now. We have two kids, both from this marriage. I am in counseling with my wife but honestly I've just been working the system, I don't think I truly want her but I dont know what else to do at this point. Can't afford divorce or child support so I feel I have to fake and play act everything in this relationship. Although the sex with my wife is good, I can't complain there. This girl from work makes me feel great. She is 4 years younger and has a personality that makes me feel like I have more connection to. I tell her about my marriage problems in the past and she is straight up honest - she tells me that my wife "needs to go". I don't know if I truly am at that point yet. I feel stuck.
You are lying to us and to yourself. Your **** didn't just fall into her. You did this. It's going to come out. You can have some control in the blow up of your life or you can have it sprung on you. You are in for years of pain now so you might as well put on your big boy pants and attack the problem like a man.
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post #13 of 35 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 01:15 PM
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Re: Confused

TB,

You wrote, she is 4 years younger and has a personality that makes me feel like I have more connection to. I tell her about my marriage problems in the past and she is straight up honest - she tells me that my wife "needs to go". I don't know if I truly am at that point yet. I feel stuck.

Text book setup for an affair, complain about your spouse to someone who "UNDERSTANDS ME", if you ever end up with this woman not only will she have all the problems your wife has now, but you will be with a woman who is willing to break up a family and harm your children, think to yourself what kind of woman would ask a man to leave his children.

Confess to your W and make amends this is no way to live.

Tamat
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post #14 of 35 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 04:49 PM
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Re: Confused

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Originally Posted by TAMAT View Post
TB,

You wrote, she is 4 years younger and has a personality that makes me feel like I have more connection to. I tell her about my marriage problems in the past and she is straight up honest - she tells me that my wife "needs to go". I don't know if I truly am at that point yet. I feel stuck.

Text book setup for an affair, complain about your spouse to someone who "UNDERSTANDS ME", if you ever end up with this woman not only will she have all the problems your wife has now, but you will be with a woman who is willing to break up a family and harm your children, think to yourself what kind of woman would ask a man to leave his children.

Confess to your W and make amends this is no way to live.

Tamat
I agree, how dare this immoral home wrecker tell you that your wife 'needs to go'. That alone shows you what sort of person she is. Its she who 'needs to go'.
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post #15 of 35 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 05:30 PM
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Re: Confused

Dear confused;

Figure out what is really important to you today, in 10 years, in 30 years and on your death bed.

If you are honest, it will probably be the love of your wife and children. If it is, then you need to change what you are doing and your way of life.
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